Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
282 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
when we're fighting about anything, my bf usually gets reeeeally quiet. especially when he is attacked or reproached. he tries to defend himself, but if that doesn't convince me he gets quiet. usually he get the quieter the more dramatic the fight gets.... until he says nothing for a long time. it seems to me that he doesn't want to solve the problem at hand at all. his face turns completely blank, or rather he seems to fix his gaze on something I don't know inwards or outwards. he doesn't make an effort to comfort. somehow I feel that he is really concerned about what's going on, in no way does he seem indifferent or something like that, but he just doesn't express it. But, on the other hand...when he doesnt say something I shut up as well after a while and don't want to make a move...
I was wondering if you'd think that this is rather typcial of INFPs or ISFPs. I don't know, but I'm completely different, and I find myself to be INFP or INFX. or maybe only an I-thing, or maybe nothing at all.
Sorry for this relationship chitchat, that wa not what I intended.
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
Could be either. It depends on what the fights are about, but both types will naturally seek harmony, or at least the immediate passive reduction of the emotional threat, as a higher priority than practical problem solving. Raising your voice, criticizing, blaming, or being visibly angry at someone who is Fi dominant is extremely damaging, and can easily trigger the freeze response if flight is not an option.
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
Like I said, it depends on what you're fighting about. If it is about values, we'll fight until we are badly damaged because it seems a worthwhile sacrifice. If it's personal, I'll defend myself, but if that doesn't work, the next option is avoidance and an attempt at achieving harmony through surrender, not by agreement, but by consciously choosing to reduce suffering by not giving the person anything he or she can attempt to use against me. When I'm not fighting back, the opponent eventually gives up and stops hurting me. Conflict is always hurtful, but especially when it becomes personal and causes me to feel unloved. I will do whatever I can to avoid it. If someone is being loud, throwing things, saying cruel things, etc. I stop thinking of it as a discussion about ideas and treat it like an immediate threat. If I can't neutralize it by calming the other person down, I will leave, or if that would make it worse, I will become silent or cry uncontrollably.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,151 Posts
I do this, and so does my ISFP roommate.

I don't know what's going on through her head. When I sense too much tension my response is to avoid it at all costs. It's not that I don't want to solve the problem at hand, but I want to do so calmly and rationally rather than emotionally charged. I don't do it deliberately that I can tell, but if I start to fear tension I fall into myself so to speak and introvert to protect myself, probably from either being attacked or even saying something hurtful in a fit. I think it is choosing flight over fight, just sometimes the only place to fly is into your own head.

This backfires when my silence then becomes the subject of tension which has happened on some occasions.

Only when the atmosphere calms will I come out.

Sometimes in a fight an INFP intentionally will not speak, because if they do...they'll shoot laserbeams, knives and daggers knowing they will cause maximum damage to the other party.
CRITICAL HIT!
(it's not very effective)

INFP uses WITHDRAW
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
282 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I do this, and so does my ISFP roommate.

I don't know what's going on through her head. When I sense too much tension my response is to avoid it at all costs. It's not that I don't want to solve the problem at hand, but I want to do so calmly and rationally rather than emotionally charged. I don't do it deliberately that I can tell, but if I start to fear tension I fall into myself so to speak and introvert to protect myself, probably from either being attacked or even saying something hurtful in a fit. I think it is choosing flight over fight, just sometimes the only place to fly is into your own head.

This backfires when my silence then becomes the subject of tension which has happened on some occasions.

Only when the atmosphere calms will I come out.
Oh, that's so so exactly like him....erhem...especially the comment about your silence :)....I always blame him for being silent, because it makes me so angry and helpless :( ..... and that makes it a lot worse....
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
That sucks for everyone involved, because his silence is probably to protect against anger.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,395 Posts
I do this, and so does my ISFP roommate.

I don't know what's going on through her head. When I sense too much tension my response is to avoid it at all costs. It's not that I don't want to solve the problem at hand, but I want to do so calmly and rationally rather than emotionally charged. I don't do it deliberately that I can tell, but if I start to fear tension I fall into myself so to speak and introvert to protect myself, probably from either being attacked or even saying something hurtful in a fit. I think it is choosing flight over fight, just sometimes the only place to fly is into your own head.

This backfires when my silence then becomes the subject of tension which has happened on some occasions.

Only when the atmosphere calms will I come out.

CRITICAL HIT!
(it's not very effective)

INFP uses WITHDRAW
Hahahahahaha why are INFP's being related to pokemon so much today?! Hahaha.
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
So, you say he does it when attacked. Why would you attack him? Of course hostility will make him defensive and eventually withdrawn. Is he hostile with you? How do you respond? I'm worried that your relationship may have more serious problems than the ones you are currently concerned with.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
282 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
So, you say he does it when attacked. Why would you attack him? Of course hostility will make him defensive and eventually withdrawn. Is he hostile with you? How do you respond? I'm worried that your relationship may have more serious problems than the ones you are currently concerned with.
Posted via Mobile Device

I know that my relationship has more serious problems than the ones I seem to be concerned with here. But then...maybe I don't....I mean...maybe I think about other serious problems than you imply. I guess you mean something that the attacking/hostility-aspect is only a symptom of.......however...I don't want to discuss those private things here. I know I did somehow started this thread....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Seems like a real Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus episode:
When an argument injures a man's self confidence (his ability to be a good, understanding partner being a factor of confidence) they can just retreat into their cave. In the cave one rehearses and remembers how one's skill in a certain area allows him to succeed. This allows him to gain perspective out of the heat of the moment and he eventually cools off and is prepared to risk having his efficacy challenged again by coming into affectionate range and opening up again a little.
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
Sorry. I didn't mean to pry. I was just concerned that there might be something bigger going on, but didn't have enough information to aid in its resolution.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
61 Posts
i remember one time my friends were pissing me off
and i told one of them "thats why your adopted" it hit a soft
spot with him. i mean it just came out but it was sure was satisfying.
but anyways he might be more isfp ish
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,276 Posts
I am an INFP and if someone was fighting with me what would be going through my mind is how to get this person out of my life. At first opportunity I would throw the person away like a piece of trash and not look back. Just a thought on what may be going through his mind. And I also get very quiet after I have learned this person will not discuss issues rationally or calmly.
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
While I might not give up on a person quite so easily, it is usually to my detriment. I do prefer for arguments to be non-threatening if possible, and take intentional hostility as a sign that my partner cannot provide the emotional security I require. If I'm not thinking about how to get out, I'm probably thinking about how to gently change my partner's attitude. If I did something so bad that I deserve to be attacked, I am less likely to defend myself or respond with fear.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
ISFP way a lot.

Check the ISFP forums. There are threads with good posts about how the type relates to others.

You can see if they apply to him, too.
Like snail said -- it depends.

If they're an INFP, they'll try to at least defuse it a bit, offering concessions and trying to keep it from turning into an actual argument. But if you don't offer that option, it's possible that they'll 1.) either give up, smile, and agree with you or 2.) completely shut down.

The easiest way to tell the difference between the two is, like snail said, what you fight about.

With an ISFP, you'll pretty much get the same reaction regardless of what it's about.

But with an INFP, you can hit certain hot topics, think of them as triggering landmines (because that's about what'll happen to you), and you might as well have just been Russia pressing the big red button. He'll go all psycho on your ass, and you really won't have much of a chance at all.

Even if you can survive the initial assault long enough to dig your heels in and keep from being blown away, you won't be able to fight back. He'll be completely irrational and be so emotionally driven he'll be impossible to sway.

I laugh at the other types who are so arrogant as to think this isn't a horrible monster they should know to flee-on-sight from.

The INFP monster tends to look... kind of like...



But I highly suggest you not try to type your boyfriend using this fishing method.

First of all, you'll be torturing him by bringing up fights about any and every little thing you can think of. INFP hate fights. ISFP too, so if you're wrong, you're doing it for no reason at all.

Second... just look at the picture as to why it's a bad idea to.

And third, he might not be an INFP at all, so you'd just be fighting with him for no reason.

And he'll probably dump your ass for being so volatile and abusive.

So...

Maybe have him take the type test?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
116 Posts
Seems like a real Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus episode:
[...]
Okay, slightly off-topic:

Have you read that book? I did and it made me actively angry. It's more like "Men are ISTJ, and Women are ENFP" or something. I felt really sorry for all the people who didn't fall into their gender assigned type. As a male INFP I was more typically identifying with the "venus" side of the equation (with some notable exceptions). It was an extremely irritating read.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,276 Posts
While I might not give up on a person quite so easily, it is usually to my detriment. I do prefer for arguments to be non-threatening if possible, and take intentional hostility as a sign that my partner cannot provide the emotional security I require. If I'm not thinking about how to get out, I'm probably thinking about how to gently change my partner's attitude. If I did something so bad that I deserve to be attacked, I am less likely to defend myself or respond with fear.
That is the way I used to be in my younger years. for me that tactic never worked. Maybe you can do something a bit different than I did and find a solution. Since that never worked for me now I don't care I jump them like the trash they are.
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Top