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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I for one find that I only avoid social situations if I know there's going to be potential for undesired exposure.

If I'm meeting close friends, or doing something where I know very well what is going to happen, then I'm totally fine with it. However if I'm going with those friends to meet a load of people I don't know, then I'll suddenly be nervous about what the situation might entail.

So maybe we don't hate social situations, we just hate lack of control over them.

Thoughts?
 

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l once had terrible social anxiety but it was more cannabis-related :tongue:

A family member who is basically incapacitated form social anxiety smokes about an acre of weed a day, and if people suggest he gives it up he completely freaks out.

ln my natural state, l can relate with what you said about a lack of control but that's because l actually do have generalized anxiety, but it doesn't ''feel'' bad to me like the social anxiety did. lt doesn't really feel like anything so l think it's just the way l function even if it's considered anxious from a clinical standpoint.

l'd say that it does manifest as a desire for some degree of control more so than obvious anxiety (most people don't see me as being anxious), but l do have a vague need for some kind of control/routine.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
ln my natural state, l can relate with what you said about a lack of control but that's because l actually do have generalized anxiety,
Yeah I think I can relate to that. I don't at all suffer from any kind of clinically definable anxiety, but I feel a certain tension when I consider situations - usually social - where I may lack control or be overly exposed.

Today is the first informal meeting of the physics society at my university. In another thread I said how I think such things are kind of pointless, but deep down I do want to go, just so I can integrate a little and meet other people in the school of physics and astronomy. But, because of the previously mentioned 'general anxiety', I probably won't go. There's too much room for something 'bad' to happen. I also think this because societies are more typically joined by the outgoing social types who actively enjoy such things, as if they need a thing like that in their life to make everything better. So I won't fit in anyway, and they'll do namby-pamby social things that don't even interest me so who cares.

As you can see, I'm quite typically finding every reason to not go to something, just because the social aspect is too much out of my control.

Update:

Here's why I don't want to go.

This is taken from the physics society facebook group:

A: Where is 'Geog: 1.26' for the Psi star informal meeting tomorrow?
B: Could I also ask WHEN? Cheers
C: Look for building 26.
B: Thanks!
D: Informal? Got my tux dry-cleaned for nothing!
E: Informal? I got my latex dildo suit back from the tailors for nothing...
D: Not for nothing, Joe. Not for nothing.
F: I hope we can keep up this level of banter
G:I hope I can keep my dick up to be fair
 

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For me, its a lil bit different. I don't rly get socially anxious anymore, but I will avoid situations and conversations with ppl I know I don't enjoy talking to.

My field of expertise is very SP SJ dominant. That being said, I don't like conversing with about 85% of the ppl here. They want to talk about typical sensor topics: sports, cars, gossip, what's new on tv, etc. I want to talk about the abstract, hypothetical, books I've read, discovery channel, foreign language, etc. So basically one of us is going to be unhappy so I just avoid them. They probably think I don't like em but fuk it. Ain't nobody got time 4 that.
 

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I don't like putting myself in social situations where I need to be "on", or expected to contribute to the conversation knowing I'm not going to be able to. Those situations make me feel out of place and a bit anxious wondering if people think I'm too stupid to carry on a conversation or just an ass.
 

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I totally understand you on this point. I've already accepted the fact that I'm awkward but this doesn't make it easier. Being an intp with 100% I and 95% T, it makes it very hard for me to relate to ppl. Its even more difficult when ur surrounded by a group of extroverts bouncing off of each others energy and ur sitting there like wtf.

I always say that I'm bad at first impressions. I'm the type of person who grows on u over time. I think most intps r like this and that's why we often have few but rly close friends who appreciate us.
 

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Yeah I think I can relate to that. I don't at all suffer from any kind of clinically definable anxiety, but I feel a certain tension when I consider situations - usually social - where I may lack control or be overly exposed.

Today is the first informal meeting of the physics society at my university. In another thread I said how I think such things are kind of pointless, but deep down I do want to go, just so I can integrate a little and meet other people in the school of physics and astronomy. But, because of the previously mentioned 'general anxiety', I probably won't go. There's too much room for something 'bad' to happen. I also think this because societies are more typically joined by the outgoing social types who actively enjoy such things, as if they need a thing like that in their life to make everything better. So I won't fit in anyway, and they'll do namby-pamby social things that don't even interest me so who cares.

As you can see, I'm quite typically finding every reason to not go to something, just because the social aspect is too much out of my control.

Update:

Here's why I don't want to go.

This is taken from the physics society facebook group:

A: Where is 'Geog: 1.26' for the Psi star informal meeting tomorrow?
B: Could I also ask WHEN? Cheers
C: Look for building 26.
B: Thanks!
D: Informal? Got my tux dry-cleaned for nothing!
E: Informal? I got my latex dildo suit back from the tailors for nothing...
D: Not for nothing, Joe. Not for nothing.
F: I hope we can keep up this level of banter
G:I hope I can keep my dick up to be fair
l think the way l've dealt with this over the years is to always manage to slip in periods of time for myself throughout the day when l can be alone or at least not be bothered.

lt is funny because l can seem very open-ended and definitely ''perceivery'' to people. l will agree to a lot of random things, even, but l usually have a vague picture in my mind of how things will play out and l don't hesitate to control things when l want to so it's not as random as it seems.

l don't hang out with people who l know l could end up stranded with for various reasons especially, l used to plan days ahead to make sure l didn't get caught up in alcohol related bullshit that would leave me dependent on someone else when l had no means of transportation.

Almost like writing myself as a character in a role , but being the director lol.
 

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It's one thing to avoid groups of people you don't want to be around. And it's fine to do so I suppose. But it's not cool at the same time. For example, if I have to ring a group of people at work, I could go into a staff room, where staff are at, and use the phone there. And there's another room with another phone, with more staff, and I could use that one. But I don't like talking in front of people. Some people have their phone lingo and professionalism down to a tee, I know I never will, and could say anything to someone, without thinking in 'what you should say' terms.

Basically, I want to be a hippy. The social anxiety I have had was directly as a result of a fall out with a best friend, who I haven't seen since 2008. It wasn't good, but these things happen I have more and more discovered.

It's as if anxious people have to be anxious about something. If it's not one thing it is another, and another, and another. That has been me anyway. And I would dealy love to just shake it all off and be free from anxiety. But I guess it is the brooding, ruminating, pondering, that acts as a breeding ground for anxiety. The only way to lose it is to shake i off, get visceral, but isn't that our problem, aren't we bad at 'dem feels'?
 

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Probably that and the lack of control over the situation in general, where it doesn't necessarily matter how much internal principles you have to the possibility of being rejected for anything but, internal principles. Almost as if people have invited you to play golf when you're wielding a tennis racket. You may feel isolated.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I always say that I'm bad at first impressions. I'm the type of person who grows on u over time. I think most intps r like this and that's why we often have few but rly close friends who appreciate us.
Definitely agree with this.

I have a twin brother who I think is possibly ISTP. Everyone tends to be drawn to him first, and he definitely has a wider general circle of friends. But on at least three separate occasions now I've been told by people that after getting to know me better they liked me more than they liked my brother.
 

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I wouldn't classify myself as having social anxiety.
I have gotten nervous hanging with people whom I don't know primarily because when I go out it's involving alcohol and you never know how people react with alcohol. You can have someone who is cool become a raging idiot or a loud mouthed idiot. And if you hang out with friends of friends then you need to hang out with them, so I don't like that. I am around drunken idiots all the time but if you're not associated with them you can just leave them behind with no repercussions.

I don't think mine is about control, I like being surprised when I go out as long as it's a good surprise like talking to some new ladies :D

My anxieties definitely come more from hanging around people whom I consider a risk to be around. People who use hard drugs, talk a lot of shit, create conflict, get out of control. I don't think that's unreasonable.
 

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I only feel anxious in social contexts if I feel there is a possibility of lasting negative consequences. I mean, people who should be closest to me. The more disposable the relationship, the more at ease I feel.
I don't like the idea that people I love should remember me badly, but if I can't reconcile what I want with what they want, then I already know that what will follow is long, uncomfortable, awkward, p.c., fuck all that. I don't want it.
When I goof up, I like having the option of disappearing--escaping the situation. When I don't have that, I feel uncomfortable, on guard, like I was exploring some ruins and the entrance gets sealed somehow.
Controlling my level of exposure to people spouting off about stupid bullshit that I am in some way responsible for, without interfering with my day to day too much.
 

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Basically I agree with y'all. I don't feel anxious about social situations unless I feel that people are wasting my time. For example, if people are talking about sports or their new curtains. Or the flip side of that--they don't want to hear what I have to say, which is also a waste of my time. Or if they're late, or I have no way of getting home, or if other things go wrong. So you're right, it is about lack of control, because so much can go wrong and it's usually not worth it. I like being sociable if all goes well, and sometimes I find myself with a nice social circle, but then I move or my work schedule changes, or it ends some other way and bye bye social life. For a couple of years a bunch of us used to hang out at the beach, and it was great, but then the local powers paved the beach over and put in a dock for rich folks. I suppose many of the old gang members still get together elsewhere, but I don't make the effort to see them. At one point in my life I did make an effort to put together a social circle, inviting people over and organizing outings, but it was sure a lot of work! And then you have no control over who shows up, where they spill their drinks, etc. Thanks for the thread.
 

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I think that being around too many people can be overwhelming. And I am not very socially awkward. I just prefer being around a very small group or I won't say a word. My brain doesn't have enough room or time to feel comfortable in a crowd and think about all of the complex things that I think about at the same time. I end up sitting in a corner away from the people wishing I weren't there. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make things more comfortable for yourself. You are right, it is nice to be able to control what is going to happen if you are unsure how you will adapt to that atmosphere or situation.
 

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I for one find that I only avoid social situations if I know there's going to be potential for undesired exposure.

If I'm meeting close friends, or doing something where I know very well what is going to happen, then I'm totally fine with it. However if I'm going with those friends to meet a load of people I don't know, then I'll suddenly be nervous about what the situation might entail.

So maybe we don't hate social situations, we just hate lack of control over them.

Thoughts?

I am not overly anxious around new people if they are kind/patient, the main problem is that I find it exhausting and overly futile if we don't get along/have common interests.
Also, it hard to conjure up topics that won't drain out before the socialization is over
 

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I think that my social anxiety stems from a totally misplaced sense of self. I simply feel judged, and on top of that I feel I shouldn't feel judged. So I go to extra lengths to disregard people and their opinions in my intellectual life, because it gives me the impression of my being flamboyantly blasé. I'm in a race to trivialize the world before it trivializes me, and so I'm perpetually running from my social anxiety.

I believe that this holds true for many INTPs besides myself, in addition to myself. Our first instinct is to pin this phantom nervousness on a need for autonomy, but really we're heavily dependent on the world and we refuse to acknowledge that we are; hence this instinct.
 

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I get very anxious when I feel that I don't have some control of where I am or what I am doing. For example, I get really anxious when I commute because I'm not the one driving and I don't have control over how crowded it might get; if the bus is late also makes me nervous or irritates me. Also, my brother and I used to go out together but I don't like to do so anymore because he goes where ever his friends want to go. Most of the time I don't like going to those places so I just don't go.

I avoid agreeing in advance (a week or so) to go out with friends. I hate the feeling that I'm going to be tied to an event days in advance.

I'm getting a little stressed now that I have realized that I depend on other people to get the job that I want. Someone out there has to hire me to do what they want to achieve. In other words, part of my happiness depends on other people; I hate the idea. Eventually I would like to start my own business to do the things I like doing.
 
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