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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
ISFJ ex boyfriend too nice to me. Why

First post here.

I have feelings for ISFJ ex but I don't know whether the feelings are mutual. He's too generous to me. I need to know why.

I dated an ISFJ guy a few months ago. I was just coming out of an unhealthy relationship at the time (I was bombarded with expensive gifts, constant text messages, phone calls---definitely not normal), so the relationship with the ISFJ began as a rebound. We dated for several months. When I did not get the attention/things I expected, I preemptively ended the relationship because I thought he was disinterested in me. So bottom line, it was me, not him.

Fast forward to today. I reconnected with ex for some reason. At that time he told me he was dating someone. He also emphasized that he was "casually" dating her and was willing to meet with me. Didn't meet. I thought it was BS so I was careful not to get attached to him.

But still, we started to keep in touch and talked a few times on the phone.

All those times, I initiated first. But every time we talk on the phone we talk for hours, talking about how things were great, how he thought was sweet certain things I did. It's also clear that our values line up nicely--we are both career-focused but family oriented and generally conservative. We work in the same industry so we get same career-related jokes. When talking about how our relationship ended, he was honest about things he did not like about me when dating, like he thought he was being taken advantage of. I apologized to him and explained the circumstances I was in when we were dating (I was very stressed for career reasons. didn't do much for relationship). He seemed to get it, and we just continued to talk about good things.

Each time we talk, conversations last 1.5, 2 hrs each time and he's got a busy work schedule. But I get it, ISFJs are nice and caring. Maybe he didn't wanna talk to me for that long but he did because he thought that I needed someone to talk to and that I had nobody else to talk to.

But whats driving me nuts is that he keeps complimenting me on how attractive I am and that guys want to bang me. Like, it came up in the context of talking about my unsuccessful dating adventures (all the guys turned out to be weird). He would say things like "when I first saw you I was like.. wow she's gorgeous" "you are striking. I know [my male friend] probably wants to ***."

What is this?

I still have more than friendly feelings towards him but I know he's "casually" dating someone. I can repress my feelings if I want to. But I need to know.
 

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But whats driving me nuts is that he keeps complimenting me on how attractive I am and that guys want to bang me. Like, it came up in the context of talking about my unsuccessful dating adventures (all the guys turned out to be weird). He would say things like "when I first saw you I was like.. wow she's gorgeous" "you are striking. I know [my male friend] probably wants to ***."

What is this?
This is a bit strange for an ISFJ (I think..because I'm an ISFJ) to be this forward when talking to a girl about her physical attractiveness. Maybe he is trying to manipulate you in some way, unhealthy ISFJ's can err to the side of being manipulative as they try to control their partners or potential partners with services or material goods.

I still have more than friendly feelings towards him but I know he's "casually" dating someone. I can repress my feelings if I want to. But I need to know.
Hmm..best is to talk it out with him. Its hard to tell where his intentions are coming from but it doesn't seem too healthy.
 

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Sounds like every day male "bravado" to me. I have to listen to similar shenanigans at work, while feigning a similar mindset, lest I be ridiculed as a "queer/faggot". God forbid there's a male who refrains from engaging in the act of sexually objectifying women behind their backs. We just simply can't allow that.

If you want my 2 cents, read the following:

If I had to guess, it sounds like he's put you up on a pedestal. By doing this, he's doing 2 things simultaneously: overcompensating and semi-bluffing. There's no doubt in my mind that he basically worships the ground that you stand/walk on -- that much is obvious enough as is. The "semi-bluff" is him letting you know what your "net worth" is. By letting you know that you're deeply desired by others, he's hoping to curry favor (by you) and be rewarded with a significant "advantage" over his "competitors" by keeping you "in the know". It's extremely flawed thinking, but there's nothing "manipulative" about it. Like I said, it's a form of overcompensation.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
best is to talk it out with him. Its hard to tell where his intentions are coming from but it doesn't seem too healthy.
he's doing 2 things simultaneously
Thank you all for your input.

I told him last night that his being too kind was making me second-guessing as to whether he still misses being with me, and he said he does.

Then I told him that "I have more than friendly feelings for him. I am not asking for anything, just wanted to let you know." And I made sure that he knows that I am okay with it if he does not feel the same, and that I am capable of just being friends with him (he knows I am not BS'ing. I'm pretty good at repressing emotions). Then he said blah blah "I think we should be friends for now" blah blah "I know it's probably not the answer you expected" blah blah but I think my brain went dead at that point. I did cheerfully tell him that I did not expect any answer from him when I told him of my feelings, but I would construe his response as "we should be friends forever." correct?

I thanked him for his honesty. We hugged for a longgggg time after. Wanted to kiss him but didn't and we agreed we shouldn't. We agreed to hang out in the future but so far we have no definitive plans.

But anyway, friends for now = friends forever, right? He's trying to string me along for ego boost? I should move on?

he's doing 2 things simultaneously: overcompensating and semi-bluffing. There's no doubt in my mind that he basically worships the ground that you stand/walk on -- that much is obvious enough as is. The "semi-bluff" is him letting you know what your "net worth" is. By letting you know that you're deeply desired by others, he's hoping to curry favor (by you) and be rewarded with a significant "advantage" over his "competitors" by keeping you "in the know".
If you don't mind me asking, what is he trying to overcompensate for? From what I see, he is "superior" to me in the sense that he has his shit together--same age but a job that pays well, more financial security. I may be good looking but other than that I am not so sure what my values are to him.

Also, if putting me (or anyone) on a pedestal is not his default way of trying to make someone feel good, I am not sure why he would go out of his way to say stuff like that, unless he still wants something from me. It could be sex, but my instincts tell me that he (or a normal ISFJ) is not someone who would use his ex for just for sex because he knows doing so would deeply hurt that person. I am so bad at reading people. Please let me know if I am mistaken.




More context: My career situation is uncertain in that I might have to move out of state after 1 year. Of course, I thought about this before acknowledging my feelings for him/deciding to make my feelings known. But I came to a conclusion that it doesn't matter because (1) there's always a chance that I get a job around here and (2) you never know how things will turn out while being a relationship for that year. But I Is it possible that he still has feelings for me but he doesn't wanna pursue it because of the uncertainty in my career situation? Or am I just in denial?
 

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If you don't mind me asking, what is he trying to overcompensate for? From what I see, he is "superior" to me in the sense that he has his shit together--same age but a job that pays well, more financial security. I may be good looking but other than that I am not so sure what my values are to him.

Also, if putting me (or anyone) on a pedestal is not his default way of trying to make someone feel good, I am not sure why he would go out of his way to say stuff like that, unless he still wants something from me. It could be sex, but my instincts tell me that he (or a normal ISFJ) is not someone who would use his ex for just for sex because he knows doing so would deeply hurt that person. I am so bad at reading people. Please let me know if I am mistaken.
To be rather blunt... which you need to know now that I seldomly am... he just sounds flat out insecure to me. Maybe I'm just reading the situation wrong. The one thing you need to know though, let alone understand, is that he is NOT "superior" to you. Just because he has a job, you shouldn't automatically assume that he's "financially stable"; for all you know, he could be in financial ruin, but simply has a good poker face. Guys tend to measure their "success" based on their sexual "conquests"/"expeditions". I don't know what it is or why that is, but that appears to be the "norm".

If you had a heart to heart with him and he used the phrase "Let's just be friends..." or anything similar to that, move on. That's almost as bad as "It's not you, it's me...". Even if you still have feelings for him, find a way to move on. I still have feelings for a girl I fell for a decade and a half ago. And yes, those feelings will NEVER go away. Unfortunately, you just need to find a way to carry on. You simply can't get someone (who doesn't love you the way you love them) to love you back. I know it hurts like hell, but life goes on. With or without you, it goes on.
 
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