ya fucked up girl... next time dont put project your own personal/subjective ideal relationship values onto other people. we live in the real world, not an ideal world.
ISFJ losing interest/How to get an ISFJ interested in me again?
This is a long story-
So I'm an INFP. I really liked this ISFJ guy that I met on this video game, and he seemed to like me too. Messaged me goodnight/good morning, always teased and flirted, always messaged me constantly, etc. I was on vacation in the Philippines while he lived in LA when all this started happening. This went on for a month or so, and out of no where I hear rumors about him being a play boy who likes to flirt a lot, and I was really shocked because he really didn't seem like that type of guy! I confronted him, and we seemed to have gotten into some sort of misunderstanding. I told him that I felt played, and that he needed to stop flirting with other girls if he really does like me, and he took it as "commit to me right here right now" so he declined. And he said he was really pained to do so as well. I didn't talk to him for 4 days, but he kept messaging me goodnight. One night he confronted me and said he heard the full rumor and wanted to clarify that he only ever liked me, and he never went around flirting with other girls. He thought I wanted to rush into a relationship with him, which is why he initially said no, not because he wanted to continue being a flirt (which he wasn't). At this point we get things kinda settled down and I ask him if we can start over again, and he agrees.
After this, he became a lot less flirty, but he did message me enthusiastically every day. It was basically the same, minus flirting. It's been 2 months now and he's been slowly, slowly, slowly withdrawing. I started to panic and get really paranoid. I think I started driving him away with emotional neediness, which I tried not to do. I told him I was frustrated that he wasn't flirting back and that I'm being really vulnerable but I only really feel shot down. He apologized and said he really wants to take things slowly, and so I back off from flirting. After this, all I really asked for were good morning and good night messages, which he used to do consistently without fail. He always forgot and it really hurt when he did. I asked him around 2 times to not forget, and he still forgets. Right now, he doesn't send them at all. We still talk every day but the messages are becoming less frequent. We still play other video games together and he always sounded enthusiastic, despite what our messages sound like. He's always genuinely laughing out loud and talking to me when we voice chat.
In the middle of all this, I even told him "I don't mean to move too fast but you're going to have to meet my parents if we're going to be hanging out a lot (and yes we talked about hanging out irl a few times)." I explained to him that they were really strict and old fashioned and never let me hang out with guys alone. But he said he really didn't mind at all. He even lives about an hour away.
I met him in person last Sunday when I got back from the Philippines, along with another mutual friend we met online. It was really fun! My friend took a picture of him and I told her to send it to me. He teased me and joked about me putting that picture as my wallpaper haha. At dinner he asked if I wanted to try his drink (I know this is small but I feel like small things matter with ISFJs). I really felt like we could've flirted so much but I was holding back because I didn't want to 3rd wheel our friend. I told him ahead of time that I'd be anxious bc of my social anxiety. Afterwards he checked up on me "How was your anxiety?" I was really anxious haha "Haha i could sorta tell but you were fine." He still checked up on me, which gave me some reassurance.
For entirely different reasons, I had a really bad anxiety day the next day or like the day after, and I shut off my phone for a day (I told only him though, but I told him the bare minimum). After I came back, that was when things seemed to have really died down. I was seriously panicking after this. He took hours to respond. No emojis. No enthusiasm. He'd give me the bare minimum response. He seemed stressed with his exams, so that might have been a factor. Today I checked up on him and asked him how his mental health was, just in case it was a factor (He has depression). He just said "i dunno. it's okay :shrug emoji:" then I said "Oh haha. You just seem a little off lately so I was wondering if things were okay." He took around 5 hours to respond (He had exams though) but eventually I snapchatted him and he replied to my snaps a few times enthusiastically. He even sent a selfie, which he's only done one other time in the past. (He doesn't like pictures I guess) I'm guessing he was planning on answering later and forgot. When he responded he said "haha thanks. I'm ok I guess." and I just let him know if he needed anything he could tell me. After this I asked him if he wanted to play some video games with me, and he invited me to play with a friend he was already playing with. He talked a little less enthusiastically, but I was thinking maybe he talks like that more with his friend. But when his friend left, his tone was still the same.
I'm going to give him some space from now on. I'm worried because I read that ISFJs aren't really pursuers, and if I fade out, chances are he will too. I don't want him to think I'm being clingy. Although truthfully I have been, but I've calmed down. Unfortunately really late, though. I don't know if he's still interested or if he's just stringing me along to spare my feelings. If he's still a little bit interested, I want to know how I can rebuild his attraction and make him remember how I was in the beginning when I was confident and flirty.
I was thinking I could give him some space, and then after a while ask if he wanted to hang out with me and our friend again, then slowly rebuild from there and try to hang with him in real life more.
So I'm an INFP. I really liked this ISFJ guy that I met on this video game, and he seemed to like me too. Messaged me goodnight/good morning, always teased and flirted, always messaged me constantly, etc. I was on vacation in the Philippines while he lived in LA when all this started happening. This went on for a month or so, and out of no where I hear rumors about him being a play boy who likes to flirt a lot, and I was really shocked because he really didn't seem like that type of guy! I confronted him, and we seemed to have gotten into some sort of misunderstanding. I told him that I felt played, and that he needed to stop flirting with other girls if he really does like me, and he took it as "commit to me right here right now" so he declined. And he said he was really pained to do so as well. I didn't talk to him for 4 days, but he kept messaging me goodnight. One night he confronted me and said he heard the full rumor and wanted to clarify that he only ever liked me, and he never went around flirting with other girls. He thought I wanted to rush into a relationship with him, which is why he initially said no, not because he wanted to continue being a flirt (which he wasn't). At this point we get things kinda settled down and I ask him if we can start over again, and he agrees.
After this, he became a lot less flirty, but he did message me enthusiastically every day. It was basically the same, minus flirting. It's been 2 months now and he's been slowly, slowly, slowly withdrawing. I started to panic and get really paranoid. I think I started driving him away with emotional neediness, which I tried not to do. I told him I was frustrated that he wasn't flirting back and that I'm being really vulnerable but I only really feel shot down. He apologized and said he really wants to take things slowly, and so I back off from flirting. After this, all I really asked for were good morning and good night messages, which he used to do consistently without fail. He always forgot and it really hurt when he did. I asked him around 2 times to not forget, and he still forgets. Right now, he doesn't send them at all. We still talk every day but the messages are becoming less frequent. We still play other video games together and he always sounded enthusiastic, despite what our messages sound like. He's always genuinely laughing out loud and talking to me when we voice chat.
In the middle of all this, I even told him "I don't mean to move too fast but you're going to have to meet my parents if we're going to be hanging out a lot (and yes we talked about hanging out irl a few times)." I explained to him that they were really strict and old fashioned and never let me hang out with guys alone. But he said he really didn't mind at all. He even lives about an hour away.
I met him in person last Sunday when I got back from the Philippines, along with another mutual friend we met online. It was really fun! My friend took a picture of him and I told her to send it to me. He teased me and joked about me putting that picture as my wallpaper haha. At dinner he asked if I wanted to try his drink (I know this is small but I feel like small things matter with ISFJs). I really felt like we could've flirted so much but I was holding back because I didn't want to 3rd wheel our friend. I told him ahead of time that I'd be anxious bc of my social anxiety. Afterwards he checked up on me "How was your anxiety?" I was really anxious haha "Haha i could sorta tell but you were fine." He still checked up on me, which gave me some reassurance.
For entirely different reasons, I had a really bad anxiety day the next day or like the day after, and I shut off my phone for a day (I told only him though, but I told him the bare minimum). After I came back, that was when things seemed to have really died down. I was seriously panicking after this. He took hours to respond. No emojis. No enthusiasm. He'd give me the bare minimum response. He seemed stressed with his exams, so that might have been a factor. Today I checked up on him and asked him how his mental health was, just in case it was a factor (He has depression). He just said "i dunno. it's okay :shrug emoji:" then I said "Oh haha. You just seem a little off lately so I was wondering if things were okay." He took around 5 hours to respond (He had exams though) but eventually I snapchatted him and he replied to my snaps a few times enthusiastically. He even sent a selfie, which he's only done one other time in the past. (He doesn't like pictures I guess) I'm guessing he was planning on answering later and forgot. When he responded he said "haha thanks. I'm ok I guess." and I just let him know if he needed anything he could tell me. After this I asked him if he wanted to play some video games with me, and he invited me to play with a friend he was already playing with. He talked a little less enthusiastically, but I was thinking maybe he talks like that more with his friend. But when his friend left, his tone was still the same.
I'm going to give him some space from now on. I'm worried because I read that ISFJs aren't really pursuers, and if I fade out, chances are he will too. I don't want him to think I'm being clingy. Although truthfully I have been, but I've calmed down. Unfortunately really late, though. I don't know if he's still interested or if he's just stringing me along to spare my feelings. If he's still a little bit interested, I want to know how I can rebuild his attraction and make him remember how I was in the beginning when I was confident and flirty.
I was thinking I could give him some space, and then after a while ask if he wanted to hang out with me and our friend again, then slowly rebuild from there and try to hang with him in real life more.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
That ISFJ seems to be playing mind games with you. As an INFJ, if I have someone playing those mind games on me, I will start going into vengeful mode and make sure to double or even triple back those mind games on them. So what should you do with this ISFJ guy? This is my advice. Do the same thing as him. Withdraw from him like what he is doing to you, continue to message him enthusiastically but without flirting with him. Mirror all his actions exactly. He took 5 hours to respond to you? Then you will take 5 days to respond to him. He doesn't use any emojis in his texts? Then you shouldn't use any emojis in yours either. He talked less enthusiastically? Then you should talk less enthusiastically back to him too, or maybe you should snub him even.This is a long story-
So I'm an INFP. I really liked this ISFJ guy that I met on this video game, and he seemed to like me too. Messaged me goodnight/good morning, always teased and flirted, always messaged me constantly, etc. I was on vacation in the Philippines while he lived in LA when all this started happening. This went on for a month or so, and out of no where I hear rumors about him being a play boy who likes to flirt a lot, and I was really shocked because he really didn't seem like that type of guy! I confronted him, and we seemed to have gotten into some sort of misunderstanding. I told him that I felt played, and that he needed to stop flirting with other girls if he really does like me, and he took it as "commit to me right here right now" so he declined. And he said he was really pained to do so as well. I didn't talk to him for 4 days, but he kept messaging me goodnight. One night he confronted me and said he heard the full rumor and wanted to clarify that he only ever liked me, and he never went around flirting with other girls. He thought I wanted to rush into a relationship with him, which is why he initially said no, not because he wanted to continue being a flirt (which he wasn't). At this point we get things kinda settled down and I ask him if we can start over again, and he agrees.
After this, he became a lot less flirty, but he did message me enthusiastically every day. It was basically the same, minus flirting. It's been 2 months now and he's been slowly, slowly, slowly withdrawing. I started to panic and get really paranoid. I think I started driving him away with emotional neediness, which I tried not to do. I told him I was frustrated that he wasn't flirting back and that I'm being really vulnerable but I only really feel shot down. He apologized and said he really wants to take things slowly, and so I back off from flirting. After this, all I really asked for were good morning and good night messages, which he used to do consistently without fail. He always forgot and it really hurt when he did. I asked him around 2 times to not forget, and he still forgets. Right now, he doesn't send them at all. We still talk every day but the messages are becoming less frequent. We still play other video games together and he always sounded enthusiastic, despite what our messages sound like. He's always genuinely laughing out loud and talking to me when we voice chat.
In the middle of all this, I even told him "I don't mean to move too fast but you're going to have to meet my parents if we're going to be hanging out a lot (and yes we talked about hanging out irl a few times)." I explained to him that they were really strict and old fashioned and never let me hang out with guys alone. But he said he really didn't mind at all. He even lives about an hour away.
I met him in person last Sunday when I got back from the Philippines, along with another mutual friend we met online. It was really fun! My friend took a picture of him and I told her to send it to me. He teased me and joked about me putting that picture as my wallpaper haha. At dinner he asked if I wanted to try his drink (I know this is small but I feel like small things matter with ISFJs). I really felt like we could've flirted so much but I was holding back because I didn't want to 3rd wheel our friend. I told him ahead of time that I'd be anxious bc of my social anxiety. Afterwards he checked up on me "How was your anxiety?" I was really anxious haha "Haha i could sorta tell but you were fine." He still checked up on me, which gave me some reassurance.
For entirely different reasons, I had a really bad anxiety day the next day or like the day after, and I shut off my phone for a day (I told only him though, but I told him the bare minimum). After I came back, that was when things seemed to have really died down. I was seriously panicking after this. He took hours to respond. No emojis. No enthusiasm. He'd give me the bare minimum response. He seemed stressed with his exams, so that might have been a factor. Today I checked up on him and asked him how his mental health was, just in case it was a factor (He has depression). He just said "i dunno. it's okay :shrug emoji:" then I said "Oh haha. You just seem a little off lately so I was wondering if things were okay." He took around 5 hours to respond (He had exams though) but eventually I snapchatted him and he replied to my snaps a few times enthusiastically. He even sent a selfie, which he's only done one other time in the past. (He doesn't like pictures I guess) I'm guessing he was planning on answering later and forgot. When he responded he said "haha thanks. I'm ok I guess." and I just let him know if he needed anything he could tell me. After this I asked him if he wanted to play some video games with me, and he invited me to play with a friend he was already playing with. He talked a little less enthusiastically, but I was thinking maybe he talks like that more with his friend. But when his friend left, his tone was still the same.
I'm going to give him some space from now on. I'm worried because I read that ISFJs aren't really pursuers, and if I fade out, chances are he will too. I don't want him to think I'm being clingy. Although truthfully I have been, but I've calmed down. Unfortunately really late, though. I don't know if he's still interested or if he's just stringing me along to spare my feelings. If he's still a little bit interested, I want to know how I can rebuild his attraction and make him remember how I was in the beginning when I was confident and flirty.
I was thinking I could give him some space, and then after a while ask if he wanted to hang out with me and our friend again, then slowly rebuild from there and try to hang with him in real life more.
But seriously, just cut him out of your life forever. Why waste your time on a guy who is flakey with you, who always act hot-and-cold with you and who never seemed to know what he wants? You deserve to have a guy who is always warm toward you, who knows what he wants, and who is always reliable and consistent.
I don't know that much about ISFJs. But there appears to be a pattern here: you ask him to do this or that, or you expect to hear back from him in a short time, and he lets you down again and again. I'm not saying either of you did anything wrong--just that you want more and he doesn't. I think you're reading too much meaning (i.e., hope) into the selfie he sent, his agreeing to meet your parents, etc. Obviously he likes you as a friend, but I don't think he's interested in more. Sorry!
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
- This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Personality Cafe
A forum community dedicated to all ranges of personality types and people. Come join the discussion about health, behavior, care, testing, personality types, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Top Contributors this Month
View All
ENTJudgement
1015 Replies
Ms. Aligned
688 Replies
WickerDeer
535 Replies
Join now to ask and comment!
