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Discussion Starter #1
Hi ISFJ males

Please can you help. I 'like' an ISFJ guy and he is really hard to fathom. I seem to get mixed messages from him, he tells me a lot about his concerns, his stresses, basically he is quite open with his feelings, over email. When we talk face-to-face he seems nervous and a little shy and he infers a lot. I find that I initiate contact a lot, in the beginning he did, so now it's the other way around. We are meeting up for a drink and chat tomorrow night - as 'friends' - I asked him and he said he'd love to - is that a good sign?
So, my question, how can I tell whether he is really interested? and are there any tips and advice that you'd like to share?

Thanks :)
 

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As always I can't speak for all ISFJ males for sure, only for myself. But as usual, my guess is that most ISFJ males can relate to my feelings.



For me, it takes me a lot of time to figure out whether or not I'm interested in starting a relationship with someone. Every girlfriend I've had has been a close friend first. And I think that's generally true for ISFJ's...they like to slowly ease into new situations rather than just jump right in.


So you're probably going to have to be patient and just take it slowly. I'm always really shy around people at first, but once I get comfortable with them, then I start opening up a lot, being really goofy, and just having a good time.

I think the key thing at first is just to be friendly, accepting and non-judgmental...you don't want to scare him away. :wink: He is an introvert, so don't worry if you're the one initiating the contact...just make sure you don't overwhelm him.


But like I said, you'll just have to be patient....it'll probably take you a while to find out his true feelings, and it's probably best not to rush him.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for your advice! I'm aware that being an Extrovert myself I just go forth and take the initiative but I do like it when guys take the initiative as I feel it's more romantic? He did take the initiative first (we've been friends for a couple of months now) but I wasn't sure about him as I didn't know him well enough - I like to be friends with a guy first also. I have been friendly towards him and get concerned when he is feeling low and he treats me the same too - I just need to find out (slowly) whether he's just being a nice friend or whether it might mean something more.
And he has said he goes along with his 'gut instinct' a lot.

No worries, I'm an ENFJ, I'm an accepting person and non-judgemental :) and yes very warm and friendly hehe.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
UPDATE: I'm giving up on him, I gave big hints but nothing he doesn't take the initiative, he doesn't make contact with me unless I'm outwardly say I'm upset, and even then he doesn't ring to ask how I am - he bloody messages me via fb or text to say 'I'm around if you ever need to anything from me or need someone to talk to' - that's not good enough for me or tell me that he cares enough because he's not making the effort - he even thinks it himself. To me, that means he's not interested so I'm moving on. I'm not going to waste my time and be extra nice with him. Yeah he appreciates it but that's just it.

Thanks for your advice.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks, although it didn't really make much sense to me tbh. That seems a little bit farfetched and taking the types too seriously.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thanks, it still goes to the same web page as the one before. I do relatively understand what he has been through as we have had similar experiences - it's not so much as not understanding but whether he senses that I like him more than a friend. It could be that a) he's really thick in the head b) he is getting the hints but not acting on them because he doesn't feel the same way or c) I've not been direct enough and some of my behaviours do not hint to him that I like him for e.g. I told him I had set up an account with a dating site.
 

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Are all ISFJ males like to be that extremely passive with women? or do they just show interest, in a direct manner, only to the ones they really want to be with? cause that seems to be the impression I got, but it might be misleading...
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Are all ISFJ males like to be that extremely passive with women? or do they just show interest, in a direct manner, only to the ones they really want to be with? cause that seems to be the impression I got, but it might be misleading...
I was thinking that myself, it could be. My sister is an ISFJ and she is very passive - it's hard to tell what she's going through sometimes and she doesn't reveal her emotions or worries unless I ask her directly.
I can't talk much myself on this cos I get very nervous about revealing my emotions to a guy who I don't know whether he likes me back or not. Yes I agree, it can be misleading. It could be that ISFJ's are quite shy too, I don't know...
 

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isfj males

It could be that he just doesn't know what he wants. ISFJ's including myself never do. We are horrible at making decisions( especially when it comes to relationships) because we're scared of making mistakes. This usually has nothing to do with the interested party involved, it's just us thinking to ourselves negative thoughts.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
It could be that he just doesn't know what he wants. ISFJ's including myself never do. We are horrible at making decisions( especially when it comes to relationships) because we're scared of making mistakes. This usually has nothing to do with the interested party involved, it's just us thinking to ourselves negative thoughts.
I asked my ISFJ sister and she said that if she were in his shoes then it's because he needs more time and he wants certainty. Like you said, he probably does not want to make another mistake because he's too afraid of taking another risk of getting hurt again - and yes he has told me that he has negative thoughts with dates in the past - he has this mental tick list in his head, he says he is ready to settle down and wants to be sure that the person he chooses is the right person for him - he knows what he wants in a life-long partner but is 'scared' due to negative thoughts in his head. Which all makes sense really. Ahhh....my ENFJ understanding-ness....
 

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It seems quite obvious to me, he likes you enough to send you messages and stuff that can be interpreted either as 'just being friends' or more than that. But he's not sure about your feelings, so when you meet him face to face, he puts up this mask that says "oh did you think I'm in love with you?".

I think he doesn't have this ability to pretend he's just a friend IRL. Where as if he's texting, he can take his time and word it carefully. Maybe also because he doesn't want any of the people around IRL to sense anything.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
It seems quite obvious to me, he likes you enough to send you messages and stuff that can be interpreted either as 'just being friends' or more than that. But he's not sure about your feelings, so when you meet him face to face, he puts up this mask that says "oh did you think I'm in love with you?".

I think he doesn't have this ability to pretend he's just a friend IRL. Where as if he's texting, he can take his time and word it carefully. Maybe also because he doesn't want any of the people around IRL to sense anything.
That's what I sense as well, and a little shyness too. I'd say I'm pretty good at reading people and esp sensing their emotions and usually I'm right, maybe not the actual thoughts but definitely the overall emotions.

Actually that first part - that kind of situation did happen! haha.

I was feeling quite low yesterday and then I was chatting to one of my friends online and he said that 'hints can be nothing, just being friendly' - but it's difficult as some guys show their interest in different ways - I told one of my other guy friends what this guy hints at and he said 'yeah those are DEFINITELY hints!'
I think I just go with the flow and try not to focus on it too much or else it'll drive me batty.
And then I read your post and my hopes went high haha.
 

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It could be that he just doesn't know what he wants. ISFJ's including myself never do. We are horrible at making decisions( especially when it comes to relationships) because we're scared of making mistakes. This usually has nothing to do with the interested party involved, it's just us thinking to ourselves negative thoughts.
That sounds about right. It seems like all the ISFJ's I know have had tragic relationship pasts with people screwing them over somehow. It's understandable that they'd be very cautious going into a new relationship.

A friend of mine, an ExFJ, had the same problem with an ISFJ and she just got frustrated and gave up because he wasn't upfront with her. She couldn't figure out if he wanted to go out with her or if she was just being jerked around. So no, they're not going to come right out and beat you over the head with "I WANNA GO OUT WITH YOU!!!1" especially if they've been hurt in the past. Even if he's talking with you now, he needs to be sure that you're not going to screw him over (not saying you would.) That's why ISFJ's tend to date people they've been good friends with in the past because they know that person well enough to be willing to bet that person won't hurt them.

You either need to be patient and take an initiative (Don't dance around it. Be frank), or you need to be honest with yourself and ask if it's worth it. In my opinion, it is.
 

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isfj's are passive-aggresive, just say what you want.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
That sounds about right. It seems like all the ISFJ's I know have had tragic relationship pasts with people screwing them over somehow. It's understandable that they'd be very cautious going into a new relationship.

A friend of mine, an ExFJ, had the same problem with an ISFJ and she just got frustrated and gave up because he wasn't upfront with her. She couldn't figure out if he wanted to go out with her or if she was just being jerked around. So no, they're not going to come right out and beat you over the head with "I WANNA GO OUT WITH YOU!!!1" especially if they've been hurt in the past. Even if he's talking with you now, he needs to be sure that you're not going to screw him over (not saying you would.) That's why ISFJ's tend to date people they've been good friends with in the past because they know that person well enough to be willing to bet that person won't hurt them.

You either need to be patient and take an initiative (Don't dance around it. Be frank), or you need to be honest with yourself and ask if it's worth it. In my opinion, it is.
Yes he has been hurt a lot in the past, but then so have I! Although I know that ISFJ's have more trouble letting go of the past. He has admitted that he is scared to go into a new relationship and prefers getting to know a girl better. Well for the past couple of weeks I think he has been showing an interest, ended a msg to me with 'x' - so I kind of followed with a msg with the same too, and also taken more of an initiative too in starting a conversation with me, as before I did most of the initiating.

He's actually been very open about me with his troubles and how he's been feeling stressed lately. He did mention tonight about astrology signs and made a fleeting comment that his sign and my sign are meant to get on really well together - I don't think he realised what he said cos he sort of got embarrassed! I think he's kind of hinting which is nice and I was seriously considering giving up and moving on - I actually told that part about giving up to a mutual friend and funnily enough a few days after I said that to this mutual friend, ISFJ guy completely changed his tune so I have a sneaking suspicion that mutual friend said something....even though he tells me he's not said anything to ISFJ guy.

I will keep you updated :laughing:
 

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He's actually been very open about me with his troubles and how he's been feeling stressed lately.
If this was me, this would be a sure sign of interest. I don't talk about these things with other people unless I really trust them, so to my mind this is a definite sign that you are at the very least a good friend. I focus very much on what other people need and are feeling, so for me to feel free enough to express this kind of thing with someone I have to feel a very deep connection.
 
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