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I notice many times my ISFJ tries to emulate my behavior. We have been seeing each other for almost 7 years so obviously we talked about it, and she says she wants to act in a way that I would be comfortable with. She just seems to be getting better and better at it which drives me crazy, because I do not want to go out with myself... trust me. She seems to adapt to everyone's behavior, wherever she goes but when she is with me... she is more blunt, more honest, more satirical. She is not naturally this way. Once I started reading philosophy, and she went out to B&N to buy about two dozen books on philosophy even though she had no interest in reading them. I prefer it much more when she is being herself, and I know precisely who that is. Obviously, otherwise I would have proposed to myself...

I am unsure if any of you do this, so perhaps your advice could be useful. How do you make it stop?
 

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Sunset Stripper
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That's odd. I don't know if this has to do with being an ISFJ, but maybe she's doing it so she has more stuff in common with you?

I sometimes emulate someone I really like but then it goes away, so maybe she really like you. But I really dont know how you could stop it. You've talked to her about it and she doesn't stop, so many try again and this time tell her to really stop.
 

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Charge'n Thru The Night
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I adapt to different situation, and modify the way I talk, behave, base on who is involved and where it is. not necessarily mimmicking someone. unless ofc if i feel that other people have more experience in an area, and I can learn by mimmicking the way they solve the problem. then yes, I will copy them and their persona.

the thing she does is more of a Leader/ follower relationship. where the follower mimicks the leader.
 

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Yes I do this too. It's my way of establishing rapport with somebody. I copy people's mannerisms, voice, like if somebody is talking quickly I'll start talking more quickly, if somebody if more extroverted I'll act more energetic. Sometimes I even copy accent.
 

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I'm a natural adapter, I want to have people comfortable in my presence, so I reflect to a degree whatever energy (and sometimes mannerisms) I'm getting. It seems her mirroring has gone deeper than the surface and into more of your inherent qualities, like bluntness and honesty. I'm guessing, based on why I would do such things, that she admires these things about you and is therefore working on bringing out these qualities more often in herself. If this behavior is genuinely annoying you, just have a kind, honest talk with her about it, and tell her why, and that you love her for who she is, not who she's trying to be.
 

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I tend to absorb people's facial expressions, mannerisms, speechisms, and mirror other people too! I do it unconsciously though and I can't really control it readily. It's my way to trying to connect with somebody. "Hey I'm just like you; I can relate to you by drawing comparisons to my experiences and yours; I want to talk like you so I can communicate on your level, etc." Upon realizing that I do this, I'm a wee bit more careful now since it makes me susceptible to being manipulated by others.

I like to think that as an individual goes on about experiencing life, every person that has ever been important to them becomes indelibly assimilated into their being. You carry a piece of everybody you come in contact with like a trinket of sorts, and that trinket represents a life lesson you've learned from them, how they influenced you somehow, etc; and you form this sort of mosaic that converges closer to a cohesive picture, a collection of experiences of what you have absorbed from other people. :happy: Perhaps a caveat would be that one has to a careful balance between having your own esteem/sense of self versus being motivated to fulfill a desparate want to be accepted.

Also not that I'm projecting my own experiences with INTJs or anything ahem...

Re: the philosophy thing. She just doesn't want to make you comfortable, she wants to connect with you. She probably feels inadequate from an intellectual level and hopes to compensate by taking an interest in what you take an interest in. However, it probably just ends up being a mere cursory interest out of politeness since the idea of engaging in it is far easier than the actual partaking of the intellectual endeavour. I suppose the advice I would offer would be to encourage her to find her own thing and take an interest in what she takes an interest, too. INTJs tend to occupy a very specific niche of interests and really only talks about that particular interest or two in great detail, and if really you're only talking about said interest and she can't contribute, would she not feel isolated and want to be a part of it, too?

Like I said, I am totally not speaking from experience for clearly, I have never fallen in the mindset of yearning l to be more like the INTJ-figure(s) in my life in order to win approval from them. XD
 

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I notice many times my ISFJ tries to emulate my behavior. We have been seeing each other for almost 7 years so obviously we talked about it, and she says she wants to act in a way that I would be comfortable with. She just seems to be getting better and better at it which drives me crazy, because I do not want to go out with myself... trust me. She seems to adapt to everyone's behavior, wherever she goes but when she is with me... she is more blunt, more honest, more satirical. She is not naturally this way. Once I started reading philosophy, and she went out to B&N to buy about two dozen books on philosophy even though she had no interest in reading them. I prefer it much more when she is being herself, and I know precisely who that is. Obviously, otherwise I would have proposed to myself...

I am unsure if any of you do this, so perhaps your advice could be useful. How do you make it stop?


In the past I have definitely done this a lot. I've improved so I don't do it as much as I used to, though there are times when I still do.

I do think it's related to type, even if type isn't the sole or even main cause. I also don't know the details behind her motivations, but I'll give my take on it.


Part of it is an Fe vs. Fi thing. In general, as a few others have mentioned, Fe users tend to want to have more in common with others and want to "connect". Everyone wants this to a degree, but I think Fi users tend to be more comfortable with people having differences in interests. Fe users tend to feel better when they find something they have in common with someone else and can enjoy those things at the same time.


However, part of it is just confidence related. Even though ISFJs have traits that can lead them to having confidence issues, the issues themselves are more individual.

If I had to guess, she may be like me in the aspect that she may not feel confident in her own traits or interests. She may not feel like they're as good as yours or she may feel inadequate. I used to feel this way a whole ton, and in some ways I still do...sometimes I feel like my interests are really weird and it can be lonely when no one else seems to like them.


NTJs sometimes tend to have trouble guiding along ISFJs in this regard, but sometimes it helps to just have support. If you tell her the things you like about her and reinforce the idea that you like her for who she is and what she likes, she'll probably feel more comfortable being herself. This is something that ISFJs usually don't do as naturally as a lot of other types...it helps us when other people boost our confidence too. We can have a hard time doing it ourselves. It's kind of like an external dependency that is very foreign to NTJ types. I'm not saying that all ISFJs have this in-born dependency, but I do think it tends to pop up in them more often.


So basically, I would just be very straightforward about telling her how you want her to be herself and that you like all of the things about her that are very different from you, and that you want her to embrace those things.



If it is about connecting, it would also probably help her if she found a way to connect with other people about her interests. In some cases you might be able to put in some extra effort to try to give her some of that connection. In other cases, it would be good if she had friends where she could connect with in those areas. If she can't find someone at all, she might feel lonely and disconnected in those areas of interest.
 
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