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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i thought i would reach out and see if any other isfp's have any advice.

i'm sociable and can easily be friends with most people. and i love that. i have a few close friends that have introduced so many new colors to my life. but once in a while that's not enough and i want to find a girl to be beside me. i'm above average in terms of intelligence and sociability (though as an isfp i do need "me" time as well :p) and at least average with respect to looks (as an occasional marathon runner i keep in shape). i usually shy away from girls i like but i'm getting better at that. i don't like taking drugs or hooking up (not my thing). im the type that can't like someone without getting to know them first and it takes me forever to like them. i'm not the type to ask a random girl out even if i think she's really cute because i think it's unfair for the girl to go in with such half-assed feelings even though i'd find asking a random girl out considerably easier than asking out a crush. and i can be quite good at flirting or even seducing others (as a few games of truth or dare have shown my friends) but i'm too shy to do so with crushes and it goes against my personal morals to flirt heavily (though i do flirt subtly and playfully quite often) with a random girl.

this leaves me with the problem of being 20 years old and not having had a single girlfriend despite true love being the thing i want most in my life. my reputation is the adventurous, compassionate, friendly, smart one in most of my groups of friends and i know i'd make a kickass boyfriend. and although i've been able to hide it pretty well as an isfp i am a lot more sensitive than most of my friends (which i really hate sometimes but that's another story). but the thing is no girl has liked me yet and the two that i've liked and told didn't reciprocate and i'm wondering why i'm left loveless. i'm starting to become cynical about the whole relationship thing, but i don't want to give up. i want to remain optimistic so that i can have my own cute little love story.

also i'd appreciate more than the generic "you're only 20" and "the right one will come eventually" answers if possible. it has taken a toll on my morale having made statements like that my mantra for the last few years. regardless, thanks for the advice fellow isfp's and others! :)
 

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You have to have a sack of nuts to date women. They're so easy for me to come by, and you have no idea how cheap they are. You aren't ruthless enough to attract women. too much mangina, I can just already tell.

Do things the politically correct way if you want women to see you as a polite boy, but learn to more ruthless and demanding and assertive and the cost of people calling you an ass behind your back if you want women to see you as a man.
 
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You have to have a sack of nuts to date women. They're so easy for me to come by, and you have no idea how cheap they are. You aren't ruthless enough to attract women. too much mangina, I can just already tell.

Do things the politically correct way if you want women to see you as a polite boy, but learn to more ruthless and demanding and assertive and the cost of people calling you an ass behind your back if you want women to see you as a man.
lmao. this post was hilarious....... in a weird way.......
 

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@Kytaari reading MGTOW propaganda? Guys do have some legitimate gripes, but it's not that we all want assholes for bf's. Just a guy being assertive, having some boundaries and respect for himself is good.

Having boundaries doesn't mean suddenly talking tough or being a jerk, you just need to balance being nice with not being too available. You can be honest, and nice, but have your own life and some goals or interests that are not about her. So even if you are crushing, just don't get clingy, or ahead of where she seems to be about the relationship.

If you are worried about being friend zoned it is okay to say that, after you go out or do some casual date-ish meeting about twice?
Let her get to know you, without making a big deal about it, but then don't let her string you along if she doesn't have serious interest when you do. You have to prepare yourself for some rejection, knowing everybody goes through it. If you are out there enough, meeting people, you can meet someone special.
 

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I have a question. You mentioned in another thread your ENFP friend... is there a reason you two aren't together? In my experience, and reading here, ISFPs do best being friends first. I know one ISFP guy, though, who was near 40 when some lady caught hold of him, and pretty much pushed him into marriage--not, mind you, that he didn't want it too, but at that age, he was just too socially inept to be assertive in a relationship. He's gained a lot since then, but at first, she did the asserting. Weird dynamic. But even there, I believe they were hanging out as friends before she got it in her head to push forward...

I know, dumb things, but who knows...
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I have a question. You mentioned in another thread your ENFP friend... is there a reason you two aren't together? In my experience, and reading here, ISFPs do best being friends first. I know one ISFP guy, though, who was near 40 when some lady caught hold of him, and pretty much pushed him into marriage--not, mind you, that he didn't want it too, but at that age, he was just too socially inept to be assertive in a relationship. He's gained a lot since then, but at first, she did the asserting. Weird dynamic. But even there, I believe they were hanging out as friends before she got it in her head to push forward...

I know, dumb things, but who knows...
oh yea haha she's super awesome but i feel like we both just work better as friends. like we're really close and all but we just don't feel that way about each other. but thanks for the thought!
 

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@bluesnow

You remind me of me - though I'm a female version, of course. :) So the key takeaway is this: You're smart, not bad looking, sociable and adaptable, and serious about commitment to relationships.

Solely from your first post, perhaps the problem here is "i usually shy away from girls i like..." - you need to overcome this (duh) because it's crucial. It seems to me that you're trying to play it safe because you're able to flirt with/ask out random girls but not those whom you like. This can be conflict-avoidance. :) Sometimes, you need to just force yourself to do it or step out of your comfort zone - even if the end result sucks. If you find it hard to 'just do it' when it comes to the dating scene, maybe this can be applied to other areas of your life first so you can slowly accept that facing conflict head-on sometimes can help you grow.

"but the thing is no girl has liked me yet and the two that i've liked and told didn't reciprocate and i'm wondering why i'm left loveless." <-- Hm. Maybe they just didn't feel chemistry for you. Maybe you sent them the wrong signals (I know I used to blow 'hot and cold' even with my friends back then). Maybe they're not meant for you - or it just isn't the right time. So many maybes. But why dwell on why you're 'left loveless' when you should be focusing on yourself? Expand your interests/hobbies. Meet new people. Do things you never would have thought of doing. Usually, attractive people (not necessarily in looks) have myriad experiences to share. :) Or learn magic tricks (haha - this was random!) but I find it's a nice ice-breaker and can help you elicit laughs from people, especially girls. Having a sense of humour helps, too.

Hopefully, you find this helpful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thanks for the advice. you're right the best way to handle it is to just tackle my conflict avoidance head on. also it's funny you bring up the magic tricks thing because i love them and have a small little repertoire of my own xD they're always good for a quick and random bit of entertainment. but yea most of the time i do pass time messing around with a few hobbies which is nice :)
 

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Tackle it head on, rip it off like a band-aid, get it all out right away:

Just unthinkingly force yourself in front of the chosen person and say, "I like you, will you go out with me?" Then just wait. The ball is in their court. If nothing happens, follow up with them in a few weeks or a month or so, and just say something like "Do you remember when I asked you out?" The rest is a lot easier.

(and I'm now married to them.)
 

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Heretic
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thanks for the advice. you're right the best way to handle it is to just tackle my conflict avoidance head on. also it's funny you bring up the magic tricks thing because i love them and have a small little repertoire of my own xD they're always good for a quick and random bit of entertainment. but yea most of the time i do pass time messing around with a few hobbies which is nice :)
This thread raises many valid points on many levels.
I could touch on many of them, but the topic is how to get a gf so I'll try to stick with that.

From your profile I can see that you are an 9w1.
That is probably the crux of the issue and not the ISFP part.
Conflict avoidance and an penchant to blaming your own lack of perfect action is the real culprint here.
Girls swoon if you show your Fi/Se side the right way.
If you try to hide it not so much.

i've been able to hide it pretty well as an isfp i am a lot more sensitive than most of my friends (which i really hate sometimes but that's another story). but the thing is no girl has liked me yet and the two that i've liked and told didn't reciprocate and i'm wondering why i'm left loveless.
Your ashamed of who you are...
How can anyone love you if you don't get over who you are yourself?

i don't like taking drugs or hooking up (not my thing). im the type that can't like someone without getting to know them first and it takes me forever to like them. i'm not the type to ask a random girl out even if i think she's really cute because i think it's unfair for the girl to go in with such half-assed feelings even though i'd find asking a random girl out considerably easier than asking out a crush. and i can be quite good at flirting or even seducing others (as a few games of truth or dare have shown my friends) but i'm too shy to do so with crushes and it goes against my personal morals to flirt heavily (though i do flirt subtly and playfully quite often) with a random girl.
Tell people around you about your standards.
Be open about you don't liking drugs.
Be open about you thinking hooking up is shallow.
Slam people who do. Be morally indignant if you feel like it.
I don't care what your stance it, but whatever it is embrace it a little more.
Then ask yourself what the ideal dating situation would be for you.
Go and create it.
Be vocal about this being the hoop girls must jump trough to get to be your girl.
Girls dig guys with standards and boundaries, create your own version of it.
Don't copy others or societal norms on the area.
After all the date is some sort of cultural script that we are expected to follow.

Now I get that this is a mouthfull and that you will have to work at being more honest about who you are.
The enneagram part is what will bite you in the ass.
The conflict avoidance thing will not magically disappear.
I sort of know how it is as a fellow ISFP and 9, even though I'm slanted towards 8 intead of 1.
My point is that if you hide who you are you are basically handicapping yourself.
You don't have to be any matcho ideal or nice guy ideal...
all you have to be is a strong version of the ideal you that feels right for you.
You are an ISFP you know what your values are.
Be who you are and finding a girl will follow more naturally for you.
 

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I'm not an ISFP but I am close :)
I agree with @hornet . Just be yourself really. Sure you should face your fears and such but don't pretend to be who you're not. So my advice is, don't actively find a girl and let it come naturally. Because I feel like actively trying to find someone makes the person try to adjust themselves to their interest so that they would go out with you. Relationships are built on honesty and long term friendship.
 

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I don't think it's that bad. Being 20 and never had a girlfriend. I'm 24 years old and never been in a relationship / had a girlfriend. I've heard a few things like what you said in your post. I'm not really sure why I've never had a girlfriend. I've been told I'm handsome, I have nice eyes. I think it's about being confidence. Girls do like confident guys.
 

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Heretic
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I don't think it's that bad. Being 20 and never had a girlfriend. I'm 24 years old and never been in a relationship / had a girlfriend. I've heard a few things like what you said in your post. I'm not really sure why I've never had a girlfriend. I've been told I'm handsome, I have nice eyes. I think it's about being confidence. Girls do like confident guys.
I didn't get my first girlfriend before I was about 30 so don't let age be any big thing for you,
(especially as a male)

Being a couple is basically an attempt to try to start building a nest to have children in.
Simple as that, either you go together well and make a good nest.
Or you don't and make a terrible nest or fail alltogether.

All the social labels like date, girlfriend/boyfriend etc etc are just nice labels to make you follow the program.
You have 3 options.

Get a girlfriend, house, car, job, kids and then you die.

Get multiple lovers all over the place with "lovechildren" in every town until you die.

Hijack the pleasure reward system that makes you do all this, watch porn until you die.

I'm only being half-serious :tongue:
 
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I didn't get my first girlfriend before I was about 30 so don't let age be any big thing for you,
(especially as a male)

Being a couple is basically an attempt to try to start building a nest to have children in.
Simple as that, either you go together well and make a good nest.
Or you don't and make a terrible nest or fail alltogether.

All the social labels like date, girlfriend/boyfriend etc etc are just nice labels to make you follow the program.
You have 3 options.

Get a girlfriend, house, car, job, kids and then you die.

Get multiple lovers all over the place with "lovechildren" in every town until you die.

Hijack the pleasure reward system that makes you do all this, watch porn until you die.

I'm only being half-serious :tongue:
I pick option three :p. Just kidding
 
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@hornet so you were 30 when you had your first girlfriend? How was it like?
 

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Heretic
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@hornet so you were 30 when you had your first girlfriend? How was it like?
Well at first I was clear with her that we where just lovers.
So we just did that stuff, and that was pretty nice.
She kept dropping these hints that it wouldn't be enough for her,
so one day I said okay lets be a couple then.

At first it seemed as nothing had really changed, but then all sorts of expectation creep in.
Cause you got to start telling everyone about the fact that you have a girlfriend.
The title and status has to be known by everyone.
Then parents want to meet and you got to introduce them etc etc.
It just becomes this long social thing.
People expect you to show up to events like a couple and soon you got to think about living together.
In other words responsibilities pile on fast.
I saw that it wouldn't work out for various typologic reasons.
For starters she was INFP, I wont dive into the rabbithole of that here though.
That I've done several other places on this site.
In the end, I told her that I couldn't give her what she wanted and moved on.
But don't take my relationship progression as a recipie of how things must go.
 
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