ISFP in relationships

628 Views 43 Replies 8 Participants Last post by ai.tran.75, 10 d ago

RuthBoaz

Discussion Starter · 12 d ago

First of all, I'm an INTJ female. I have never had a relationship with an ISFP and to my awareness don't have any friends who are ISFP. However, I'm in the beginning stages of getting to know a guy who is ISFP. We have been talking for 2 weeks so it is super new. We hung out alone for the 1st time the other night and I know he's interested in me. I haven't heard from him since but he hearted a response I put on his wall the next day. My sense is that he is a bit scared but is interested and that in time he'll emerge from the cave that he went back into. Anyways, I'd appreciate any thoughts to help me understand ISFP's in relationships.

Thank you

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shameless

· #2 · 12 d ago (Edited)

My experience with ISFPs has been cat & mouse or hot & cold stuff. Most ISFPs from my experience maintain high personal boundaries when they are on the fence. But they will still come out and play, out of the blue. At least the ones I have dealt with love to be chased. But only a little. Then when you move on because they appear either not or mildly interested, they pop up outta no where again

I have an ISFP friend who I am very close with but not in a talk everyday way. I will hit her up random scattered not all congested, she can be lost in whatever she is doing for months. Then outta no where appear and genuinely just be engaged and warm and involved. I know her social battery runs lower and she just tunes things out, then sometimes feels bad, then all of a sudden appears. I know she is just doing whatever.

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hayden_06

· #3 · 12 d ago (Edited)

I'm speaking from my limited experience with an ISFP close friend, but I hope my two cents could help here.

I agree with @shameless about personal boundaries part, as they have a Fi radar for scanning through a person. The component they're looking for varies, depending on the person, but once a person manages to get past the Fi assessment, they're pretty safe in that ISFP's friendship zone (under the circumstances that no boundaries are stepped upon after entering), or advance even further.
(Slightly edited as I had an impression that my ISFP friend has set up several zones to categorize people around her, with "friendship zone" being the passing line. I highly doubt it's an universal ISFP stuff, but I might as well include all traits that the sample possesses)

I believe that ISFPs tend to be slow-to-warm-up people, it takes time for them to open up. Forcing them out of their comfort zone could possibly take a toll on the process of building a relationship with them, so the best we can do is having casual conversations with them without haste. This actually applies for many people of other types, but selecting common preferences as the topic of conversation is a good way to attract their attention. If you eventually realize that you're the person that they find comfortable talking to or confiding in, don't ever disappoint them; if the everything remains the same, it's okay, our personality isn't made to be everyone's charmer.

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Three2VanGogh

· #4 · 12 d ago

I agree with the hot and cold assessment. It can also be quite confusing. When you are with him, he might be fully present, engaged, 100% in... then suddenly fall off the face of the Earth. He may appear completely self-sufficient, then suddenly all limp, in dire need of validation, pedestalling you, completely lacking his own 2 feet. He might have some version of a commitment phobia. Brace yourself-- impulse is God in his valley.

The good news: once you've passed through the great wall of Fi, you are genuinely accepted, your boundaries are respected, there is very little possessiveness, and you are reading an open book.

Word of caution: watch your Te. Soften wording, add padding, lengthen the fuse, spell things out to avoid assumptions.

Hope it works out!!

P.S.: present oriented, lacks planning skills, hyper-sensitive.

Reactions: 4

RuthBoaz

Discussion Starter · #5 · 11 d ago

shameless said:
My experience with ISFPs has been cat & mouse or hot & cold stuff. Most ISFPs from my experience maintain high personal boundaries when they are on the fence. But they will still come out and play, out of the blue. At least the ones I have dealt with love to be chased. But only a little. Then when you move on because they appear either not or mildly interested, they pop up outta no where again

I have an ISFP friend who I am very close with but not in a talk everyday way. I will hit her up random scattered not all congested, she can be lost in whatever she is doing for months. Then outta no where appear and genuinely just be engaged and warm and involved. I know her social battery runs lower and she just tunes things out, then sometimes feels bad, then all of a sudden appears. I know she is just doing whatever.

Thank you for your insight. It's been 4 days since he was over at my place being very sweet and clearly interested and then disappeared. My intuition tells me that this isn't due to his lack of interest but more due to personality, possibly fear and also he's dealing with recent PTSD issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Reactions: 1

RuthBoaz

Discussion Starter · #6 · 11 d ago

hayden_06 said:
I'm speaking from my limited experience with an ISFP close friend, but I hope my two cents could help here.

I agree with @shameless about personal boundaries part, as they have a Fi radar for scanning through a person. The component they're looking for varies, depending on the person, but once a person manages to get past the Fi assessment, they're pretty safe in that ISFP's friendship zone (under the circumstances that no boundaries are stepped upon after entering), or advance even further.
(Slightly edited as I had an impression that my ISFP friend has set up several zones to categorize people around her, with "friendship zone" being the passing line. I highly doubt it's an universal ISFP stuff, but I might as well include all traits that the sample possesses)

I believe that ISFPs tend to be slow-to-warm-up people, it takes time for them to open up. Forcing them out of their comfort zone could possibly take a toll on the process of building a relationship with them, so the best we can do is having casual conversations with them without haste. This actually applies for many people of other types, but selecting common preferences as the topic of conversation is a good way to attract their attention. If you eventually realize that you're the person that they find comfortable talking to or confiding in, don't ever disappoint them; if the everything remains the same, it's okay, our personality isn't made to be everyone's charmer.

Thank you. This is helpful. Can you please elaborate more on what you meant by scanning through a person and about a component that they're looking for?

Reactions: 1

RuthBoaz

Discussion Starter · #7 · 11 d ago

Three2VanGogh said:
I agree with the hot and cold assessment. It can also be quite confusing. When you are with him, he might be fully present, engaged, 100% in... then suddenly fall off the face of the Earth. He may appear completely self-sufficient, then suddenly all limp, in dire need of validation, pedestalling you, completely lacking his own 2 feet. He might have some version of a commitment phobia. Brace yourself-- impulse is God in his valley.

The good news: once you've passed through the great wall of Fi, you are genuinely accepted, your boundaries are respected, there is very little possessiveness, and you are reading an open book.

Word of caution: watch your Te. Soften wording, add padding, lengthen the fuse, spell things out to avoid assumptions.

Hope it works out!!

P.S.: present oriented, lacks planning skills, hyper-sensitive.

Thank you so much! Very helpful tips. I'm in uncharted waters here. So, far I've left him alone for 4 days with the exception of responding to a cryptic post he made on facebook with an obscure song which I responded to cryptically in kind. The others commenting did so about his video...I responded to the song in the background...which I knew was the real reason for the post. But, that's it. I'm leaving him to do whatever. I have no idea how long these "caves" typically last for male ISFP's...

Reactions: 1

Ms. Aligned

· #8 · 11 d ago

Get used to it. This shit can go on for months until one day he says he's coming over and then just leaves with no explanation whatsoever.

Sex is great though.

Reactions: 2

Three2VanGogh

· #9 · 11 d ago

Ms. Aligned said:
Get used to it. This shit can go on for months until one day he says he's coming over and then just leaves with no explanation whatsoever.

Sex is great though.

My mom had an ISFP boyfriend, who did this. At some point she gave him an ultimatum "either stay or go"... he disappeared for 4 days, then came back with a suitcase. They got married, were together for 9 years. He was a really good step-father to me, I learned a lot about jazz and photography from him. He was very sweet to my mom.

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ENTJudgement

· #10 · 11 d ago

Ms. Aligned said:
Get used to it. This shit can go on for months until one day he says he's coming over and then just leaves with no explanation whatsoever.

Sex is great though.

Have no idea how u deal with that inconsistency, would of red flagged the person after the first ghosting

Reactions: 1

hayden_06

· #11 · 11 d ago

RuthBoaz said:
Thank you. This is helpful. Can you please elaborate more on what you meant by scanning through a person and about a component that they're looking for?

As for my friend, she's constantly evaluating a stranger's personality traits based on her personal values. If she notices a quality that she can't accept from a person, then it's a turn off for her. She knows exactly what kind of people attracts/disgusts her, and her reactions towards that person are obvious enough to tell her impression on them. (eg. It's obvious that she doesn't like that person if she's distant or acting formal in front of them ). But then again, mutual understanding is one of the important aspects that she seeks in a long-term/deeper relationship. Her behavioural patterns are fairly consistent, including her tendency to bite her own tongue during our conversations. It was confusing at the beginning, but I was fortunate enough to have her explanations and understand her better. She still does that once in a while, but usually on something mundane - the frequency of her avoidance in communication has became less as our friendship grows. Respecting and affirming her emotional experiences could be a good way to make her feel secured in a relationship.

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RuthBoaz

Discussion Starter · #12 · 11 d ago

ENTJudgement said:
Have no idea how u deal with that inconsistency, would of red flagged the person after the first ghosting

It's early on and it actually gives ME time and space to process and analyze what I want and how I feel. Usually men bombard me and come on so strong that I run away so this is OK for now but if we get in deeper I'll have to have a conversation about it. Also, because I know what is going on with him, trauma wise, I'm extra understanding...

Reactions: 2

RuthBoaz

Discussion Starter · #13 · 11 d ago

hayden_06 said:
As for my friend, she's constantly evaluating a stranger's personality traits based on her personal values. If she notices a quality that she can't accept from a person, then it's a turn off for her. She knows exactly what kind of people attracts/disgusts her, and her reactions towards that person are obvious enough to tell her impression on them. (eg. It's obvious that she doesn't like that person if she's distant or acting formal in front of them ). But then again, mutual understanding is one of the important aspects that she seeks in a long-term/deeper relationship. Her behavioural patterns are fairly consistent, including her tendency to bite her own tongue during our conversations. It was confusing at the beginning, but I was fortunate enough to have her explanations and understand her better. She still does that once in a while, but usually on something mundane - the frequency of her avoidance in communication has became less as our friendship grows. Respecting and affirming her emotional experiences could be a good way to make her feel secured in a relationship.

I appreciate this feedback a lot. I think there is a general assumption that all female INTJ's are bitches and that isn't true. I do want to try to make the people I care about feel respected and know that I care. I often say things too harshly and offend people without having a clue that I did it and not even know unless someone tells me or I get an emotional blowback because I stated facts and it hurt peoples feelings. That situation literally just happened to me last night. Anyways, thanks

Reactions: 1

Three2VanGogh

· #14 · 11 d ago

ENTJudgement said:
Have no idea how u deal with that inconsistency, would of red flagged the person after the first ghosting

It doesn't have to be this way. Depends on the person, depends on the amount of personal space you give them. The issue of personal space is something most NTs can relate to. It's not ghosting to ghost, it's being immersed into something else for a while.

I know an ENTP who can disappear for months, not answer calls etc if he is immersed into a brand new field of study.

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Ms. Aligned

· #15 · 11 d ago

ENTJudgement said:
Have no idea how u deal with that inconsistency, would of red flagged the person after the first ghosting

It's almost verbatim what the OP posted. I'm not incredibly motivated to get into a long term relationship myself. Have my own issues to figure out. He comes and goes in a way that is complementary to my own hang ups. Except when he fails, it feel like everything fails.

I appreciate the distance and slowness of everything. But the lack of communication stops now. I'm at the precipice of knowing whether I want to continue with him in my life or not. How we handle conflict is a major part of that.

And the most consistent thing I've observed.

He doesn't >.<

Reactions: 1

Mark R

· #16 · 11 d ago

RuthBoaz said:
First of all, I'm an INTJ female. I have never had a relationship with an ISFP and to my awareness don't have any friends who are ISFP. However, I'm in the beginning stages of getting to know a guy who is ISFP. We have been talking for 2 weeks so it is super new. We hung out alone for the 1st time the other night and I know he's interested in me. I haven't heard from him since but he hearted a response I put on his wall the next day. My sense is that he is a bit scared but is interested and that in time he'll emerge from the cave that he went back into. Anyways, I'd appreciate any thoughts to help me understand ISFP's in relationships.

Thank you

I'm an ISFP magnet. My SO and 3 closest friends are ISFPs, well, one might be an ESFP. It sounds like the guys on the fence. They can be slow to warm up. Give it some time.

Reactions: 1

hayden_06

· #17 · 11 d ago

RuthBoaz said:
I appreciate this feedback a lot. I think there is a general assumption that all female INTJ's are bitches and that isn't true. I do want to try to make the people I care about feel respected and know that I care. I often say things too harshly and offend people without having a clue that I did it and not even know unless someone tells me or I get an emotional blowback because I stated facts and it hurt peoples feelings. That situation literally just happened to me last night. Anyways, thanks

Glad that my experiences could give some insights here. "INTJ" is merely an accustomed label that could roughly describe one's cognitive process, categorizing/stereotyping a specific population's behavioural patterns just by using four letters would be controversial. Stereotypes are for entertainment at best, so don't let them get to you.

Direct communication style is an effective method to convey messages clearly, but with an essence of diplomacy/tactfulness, the outcome could be slightly different, or even better. Personally I find forthright diplomacy an effective method to point out other people's errors/omissions and get away without triggering them, though it requires persistent interventions for a slight change in communication style.

I can't really anticipate how the situation will unfold - time is the solution for some of the answers. Your intent to understand your ISFP friend is there, as well as what you personally feel in such relationships, so all your best in your journey.

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ai.tran.75

· #18 · 11 d ago

Never been in a relationship with an isfp - however my best friend for the last 25 years is an isfp.
He’s very soft with his approach , it’s more common for me to see his exes /gf make the initiative to call him first . He’s always honest with his feelings and is attentive to his gf wants and needs . I do feel like he holds in a lot - hence when he decided to leave a relationship the partner often feel confused on why it was so sudden whereas the reality was he’s been tolerating a lot and it added up little by little.
It takes him a while to realize who he’s in love with - I don’t think he was aware that he was in love with his ex until she broke up with him due to miscommunication, they got back together the moment she realized that he has strong feelings for her . Once he loves someone- he’ll love them for life and wants the best for them . He’s no longer with the ex that he’s in love with ( she’s happily married with kids )- he never resented her for leaving him ( different values later on in their relationship). He’s still there to support her and only wish for her happiness and her wellbeing.

My isfp cousin otoh is very feisty - has hot and cold flashes and straight forward with what she wants . The common theme I see for both of them is that they both crave authenticity and are very honest with their feelings.

I didn’t read any of the other responses so I apologize if I repeated something or if I’m off topic

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Mark R

· #19 · 11 d ago

RuthBoaz said:
I appreciate this feedback a lot. I think there is a general assumption that all female INTJ's are bitches and that isn't true. I do want to try to make the people I care about feel respected and know that I care. I often say things too harshly and offend people without having a clue that I did it and not even know unless someone tells me or I get an emotional blowback because I stated facts and it hurt peoples feelings. That situation literally just happened to me last night. Anyways, thanks

While there is variation among INTJs, in my experience, many INTJs tend to possess a balance of competence and emotional intelligence along with a tender-hearted nature.

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Three2VanGogh

· #20 · 11 d ago

Mark R said:
I'm an ISFP magnet. My SO and 3 closest friends are ISFPs, well, one might be an ESFP. It sounds like the guys on the fence. They can be slow to warm up. Give it some time.

Did you grow up with an ISFP parent or sibling?

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