[faizafaiz]

Is isolation a theme for us INFPs? I find myself often feeling unable to connect with many people, even friends I've known for years. I see myself withdrawing because "those others don't really understand".

The isolation is paradoxical because it exists with a need to find that one person, or that small group, where I finally feel at home, connected, authentic.

Do other INFPs go through these issues -isolation, and a concurrent desire for contact? How do you deal with it?

I am 28 and I realise that I don't really have close friends. There are a few friends, some closer than others, but I don't share everything with them. Over the years, my closest friends have always been my intimate partners.

Do INFPs have many friends, deep friends?

 

[kaleidoscope]

You have to accept that no one is going to fully, completely understand you. No one is wired to interpret reality the way you do, let alone react to it the same way. It's just way too unrealistic. Personally, finding someone who's curious about me, willing to try to understand me despite seeing things in a different way is just as precious if not more. Even if they have different perspectives, even if we don't see things the exact same way, they're still willing to take me as I am and love me. If the interest is there, the connection, the closeness of feeling like this person sees beyond our differences, then I don't mind at all.

I've had more issues being with people who didn't accept me, and it's why I say that it's more essential and fulfilling. Is it delightful when someone knows EXACTLY how you feel/think? Of course, but it also constitutes less of challenge. It all depends on how you see things. Perspective matters.

 

[Kyo]

Although usually quiet, and a loner, I grow insane being alone in my thoughts for too long. Being in a massive group of people doesn't help much. But belonging to a smaller group who share the same core values, regardless of how different we could be in other things - I find it totally refreshing.

Having similar core values is a key. From time to time, I get surprised how the heck I get friends with the most unlikely people. But I do get them, because we have the same passion, ideals and goals, and we can set aside our differences for that.

Also I find that "deep relationship" could be a very subjective thing, at least for me. I treat and expect from people very indvidually. That often makes me look highly inconsistent, but whatever. Disclosing myself to other people could be likened to putting different files into different folders, into whichever I deem fit.

I honestly don't know if I already have that one close best friend, soulmate, or whatever. What I do know is that I'm hardly anything without my current set of close friends.

 

[succubus]

The perfect oxymoron.

I'm really conflicted with myself because I do yearn to be close and have that connection with my "friends" but, it's just never there. Also, at the same time, I have this need to be alone too so, I'm not too sure what I'm trying to do or what I'm thinking, ugh~

I have noticed that the ones that I have had real connections to and have gotten close with all ended up being love interests/serious relationships.

 

[infpblog]

I think connection is more about us then it is about them. Here's why:

-------------------------------------

source info: Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. Her topics of study include vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.

 

[The Hungry One]

I definitely seem to be a lonely person.

I don't feel lonely, per se, but maybe it's just because I have gotten used to it.

At first it seemed strange to me, when I compared myself to my INFJ and ENFP friends. Because I wasn't any less funny, or kind, or attractive. I realized it was a matter of attitude and behavior.

I think INFPs have this problem because they don't see any point in small talk, since it's superficial, and they are so cautious all the time. Furthermore, as introverts, they do not go out as much. Their Fi, also, is a judging function that serves to weed out people that they think will not go along well with them--sometimes justly, but oftentimes without giving the person a chance. To cap it all off, I feel like INFPs--perhaps because we are rare, perhaps because we are not the best oral communicators--tend to feel different from everyone else, inadequate, and misunderstood and so believe that they are destined to be lonely forever (our Si uses our past experiences of childhood alienation to generate this conclusion for the future). And thus they stop trying.

I agree, INFPs have a habit of isolating themselves.

I don't believe it is a bad thing, though! I've only had a few close friends, wherever I go, and I am happy with them. These relationships feel authentic and meaningful to me, and I end up feeling less lonely, sometimes, than my ENFP friend, who complains that though she has thousands of friends, few actually know her. (It could also be because I don't really need people to be happy. Maybe I'm an INTP.)

Yup, that was my spiel. My popular ENFJ friend said that no matter how many people you meet, you will only have two or three really good friends in your life. Which surprised me because he's Mr. Popularity.

But maybe that's how it is?

 

[Sanvean]

Isolation has become such a habit of mine it isn't even funny. I pretty much always feel unable to connect... yet I wonder what ''connection'' would finally be like for me. I mean, there have been people I relate to in WAYS, of course, but I wish these ways would expand. They do not. It probably is impossible to meet a mirrored person of oneself, but up till now, I don't think I've met that person that comes most close to all that is me. And I wonder if I'll ever find that person really because I don't even quite understand myself?

I don't feel I have many close friends and especially not at the moment. Most of them they come and go and in the end didn't do very much to me or didn't change me in memorable ways. I suppose I've gotten used to being alone and in most aspects I don't mind, because I've learnt how to be alone and I do enjoy it. Though yes, I get lonely at times and wish there would be a group of people or atleast someone with whom I could share myself fully with -- not having the awful feeling of being even more lonely being around that group/person than I am with being around only myself.

 

[Nightshade]

I isolate myself a lot, and can feel lonesome at times, but I think it's because I want to share my values with others. Sharing these things internally just isn't enough on some occasions. Connecting with others, can be draining, they rarely get my ideas or values. Often, I come across people who just want to talk about their problems all the time.

My resources end up being drained. Loneliness is the human condition and I concur with @infpblog that it is more about us than them. When I do experience company, there is a "quota" of how long I desire it. Once that quota relinquishes, I want to be alone again.

My Fe is weak, so sharing is often something I see as an ideal - where I feel lonely - and when it finally happens, I feel drained or regretful, and wished I kept my thoughts to myself do to a lack of understanding. It's bit of a paradox.

 

[ImnottheonlyINFP]

A lot of this rings true. I think that's why we hang out here - so we connect with people and get to be alone at the same time. It's the best of both worlds! (Actually, best would be finding my soul mate, but he seems to be elusive so far...)

 

[AnalogDreamer]

Yep I'm pretty sure I've made this same post here before (and got accused of being an ENFP for it...) :tongue:

I know what you mean about only being able to deeply connect to those I'm in a romantic relationship with. If you find the right person, this isn't such a bad thing.

However, I was once dating someone who saw it as smothering. I was explaining to my counselor at the time that I wish I had more friends so that I wasn't emotionally overwhelming my partner ... I went through a list of people I sometimes hung out with but for each listed reasons why I'd rather not hang out with them. She said I sounded "very critical of people". This totally caught me off guard (I see myself as a kind person) - I've tried to be more flexible in friendships since. Over on the Enneagram boards I was just talking about having multiple one-on-one friendships that fulfill different roles.

Anyway... glad to see I'm not the only INFP that craves companionship!

 

[Vivid Sunset]

Yes. When I'm alone I almost never feel lonely, when I'm with others and I start wanting to share, that's when I start feeling lonely. I do know that I tend to have extremely high expectations when determining if I'm willing to share myself with others. Even the few people I've developed friendships with, are all at a relatively shallow level (I do share, but what I share is not something I consider deeply personal).

At the moment I'm blaming the lack of development of good social skills that has now turned into a rut of turning outward, wanting to connect, seeing my lack of good social (and communication) skills, before finally turning back inward to console myself and get my mind off others. Knowing that I have this pattern, I've been working on breaking out of it using the friendships (and other outlets) I do have as practice, but often can't help but wonder just how much of an alien I come off as since I normally wear a drab persona and I typically dampen my reactions. The worst part is that I never actually learned how to initiate interactions, so I make every effort to avoid having to start an interaction.

 

[Harpocrates]

I go through this phase too often that, every now and then, I come to a bitter realisation that, perhaps, I am never going to find someone who "understands".

There are times when I feel as if there is a connection building between myself and an acquaintance, where my hopes begin to rise, and my spirits begin to flutter, all as though this could reach a deep emotional level ... The connections do not go well; and I later begin to question myself as to whether I am a horrible person because the conversation was merely a conversation - nothing more; nothing less. Never are there returns, where the other party organises time aside to spend with me, unless they are in desperate hopes to find someone at the last minute - and I am the last resort.

I can only imagine one person whom I had grown acquainted to; but having had to move to the other side of the country, the friendship slowly fell apart, and never have I made a close friend over the decade gone past. Since the departure, I have only been able to connect with people on a shallow level - the level of acquaintances. Nowadays I could be lucky to hear from someone once every three months, or perhaps once every six; and those hearings are very slim, they are perhaps better off to not exist at all.

Having said all this, I read an article that we are never going to be truly happy unless we are happy with who we ourselves are as an individual. I am not satisfied with who I am, yet; and I cannot say I am going to be any time soon. Perhaps if I became more in tune with how I perceive myself, and not how others perceive me; and perhaps if I became more reliant for me to understand myself, and not grow expectations for other people to understand me; then, maybe, I would feel a lesser need to isolate myself, and begin to divert my energy into the works that truly matter to me.

 

[entheos]

Yep, I've been like that my whole life. Isolating myself from family, from close friends, because I felt our relationship was meaningless. I thought If they're never going to fully accept me and understand me, then what's the friggin' purpose of this relationship? I always abandoned people in order to find someone better, but it never worked out. There was never someone better than the previous person, it was simply a copy of the previous person.

The isolation is paradoxical because it exists with a need to find that one person, or that small group, where I finally feel at home, connected, authentic

I am 28 now too, and I'm at a point where I have accepted that nobody is ever going to fully understand me or love me unconditionally (this includes family). I understand now that love is conditional, and that my relationships with people will always be temporary, a phase of my life, nothing that will last forever. This has resulted in me living life like this:

Not bothering to be extra social or meet people on purpose. I just live my life, do what I enjoy, travel as much as I can by myself, go here and there, & the people I encounter along the way are simply minor characters in the movie of my life, of which I am the protagonist (we all are the protagonists of our own movie). I never make friends because I simply don't care to know people, because I know it will not lead anywhere except chores (having to buy them stupid birthday gifts, and having to endure their drunkenness at 2am, having to listen to them tell me how my dreams and goals are ridiculous and impossible, etc). I have no time for people, no interest. Therefore, I live in complete isolation. I don't even have a close relationship with anyone in my family because they're always trying to bring be down, so I avoid them.

I don't get lonely often, but it happens every now and then, and it's reeeeally painful. I am of course a dreamer, always will be, and this dreamer wants close connection with at least a couple of humans. I want to trust and be trusted, love and be loved. So yes I get lonely because of these desires. However, I am not going to fuck up my life to accomodate people who don't believe in me. I believe 70% of the population of the world are not worth my time or energy, this sounds harsh, but after 28 years puttign up with crap... I woke up and said "No more BS". My trust in people is broken. So here I am a lone wolf by choice. However, I do keep a faith inside me of finding one person from the 30% one day. The faith is there, but I don't actively seek for people. I believe nobody can make me happy, only I can.

When I'm alone I almost never feel lonely, when I'm with others and I start wanting to share, that's when I start feeling lonely.

I kow that feeling so well I got tired and decided 'fuck em all'. Not as in 'it's their fault' cause it's nobody's fault. I said that phrase to myself as a statement of 'I don't freaking care about other anymore, I care about me and my own happiness and this happiness is never ever ever going to depend on finding someone to connect with'. My happiness depends on connecting with the Source of life, if you know what I mean, it's something bigger, more all-encompassing. It's a feeling of 'I belong in the world' even when I'm completely alone in the middle of the woods. All I feel is bliss in the middle of the woods with nobody around.

 

[Saldron]

I feel more lonely among people than when I'm alone.

Unless I can connect to those people, but that's rare. So rare I have no one of that right now.

After a really harsh breakup about a month ago I need people more than ever... people that I can connect with... I have some, mostly from PerC itself that have helped me. All internet friends of course. I end up feeling more comfortable in the internet I guess. But then again I have no one like that in real life...
I felt so comfortable with my lost love, in the internet and in real life, and that breaks my heart because I feel I might not find anyone like that ever again : /
I met some girl in real life from the internet today (not a date or anything... Didn't want/wasn't expecting any of that) but I felt so depressed and alone.. wanting to leave constantly as much as she was so pretty and nice (but very different from me still)
I felt just like the first days after the breakup... this emptiness inside of me and anxiety and feeling I'm sinking in an ocean of despair...

Now that I'm alone again at home, I feel so much better, connecting with my self...

Nirvana helped too. And I bring Catcher in the rye everywhere.

 

[Sily]

Make no doubt about it -- I am extremely detached, I'm isolated by choice, I'm very happy as loner. Yes, I am married and live with someone 24/7, but I desire very few friends, very little socialization and the saddest and most anxious you will find me is when I am with a bunch of touchers and chatters who create nothing but noise and blabber. I hate parties with a passion. I am at my strongest, happiest, most creative when I am alone. I'm like Samson, when alone and left to my own devices. I am NOT a social creature and if I read, one more time, "all humans are social creatures", I shall puke all over this forum.

Lucy Muir - You're very kind but, it's hard to explain. You can be much more alone with other people than you are by yourself, even if it's people you love. That sounds all mixed up, doesn't it?

 

[Monsieur Melancholy]

I've been so detached from other people for such a long time, that I've had to learn the hard way not to make strong connections with people, because I get very, very hurt when they leave.

 

[Kito]

Desire to connect > Attempt to connect > Bad experience > Isolation > Desire to connect.

It's really down to how you present yourself in that second step (and who you present yourself to), in my experience.

 

[GoldenDawn]

@Kito, that's spot on, it really makes sense, and the rest of the replays... yes guys makes me feel less weird, like I'm not the only one who is kinda isolated. I actually really like social things and being in good company but, I'm really shy and awkward, I don't have good social skills so it's kinda hard for me, making new friends, and keeping up with my old friends.

 

[bri5989]

I really enjoy being alone and often find people to be clingy, but its at the point (like many others said) where I literally don't know how to NOT be alone. I used to be better as a teenager bc I had more exposure to people but now that life is less structured I've gotten much worse. When anyone's around I'm constantly on edge, even if its a close friend or family member, which is a strange feeling.

The thing I think is so weird though is that everyone on here says that they can't find anyone "like them." I am the same, and always feel that everyone I'm introduced to is NOTHING like me and thus we have NOTHING to offer each other. Its seems like it happens so often I almost think its inevitable..but maybe we are being way too presumptuous..

What if some of the people we insist "are not like us" are actually fairly similar, but since they're not nearly as isolated as us, we have a hard time recognizing ourselves in them at all? Like for ppl with better Fe we immediately think 'opposite of me'.

Oh and also theres supposedly this thing in your temporal lobe that deems people "friend or foe" when you meet them. Some guy on youtube said that INFPs put too much emphasis on this. Hrmmmm... I wish a neuroscientist would just study our brains already.

 

[UnknownObservantTortoise]

Im sure its natural for us to feel isolated at some point in life, hell everyone probably goes through periods of isolation. But I do have to agree with you when you say that not even your closest platonic friends actually know that much. I think it has a silver lining. Im not sure whether this silver lining comes from a healthy mind or not, but regardless, I feel more secure knowing that I have saved some details, that perhaps these things cant either be pressed at endlessly by my friends, or used against me in the future (were such an occasion to arise). As for the number of friends, I have about 4 I would actually call friends, and all are relatively close. I kind of wish I knew more people better though, because i love learnign about people, and three of them arent too different from each other , or me, so variety would be epic. Not that similar people arent easyier to deal with, and amusing to be around.