[letsmosey]

I recently discovered that my little brother is an ISTJ, and reading the descriptions it really sounds like him. He is super dependable and reliable, and me and my other brother rely on him for a lot of things.
The thing is that he is damned unsociable. This is really saying something for me, because we come from an entire family of introverts. He goes to work, comes home, and spends all his time sitting in the basement on his computer. He only spends time with one friend. We had friends over for a party and he never left his computer once! Some of my friends are even creeped out by him because he never comes to socialize. They think he is one of those people that will some day just snap and go out an shoot people. I think they are being harsh and just don't understand him, though most of what he does is a mystery to me too.
I try to encourage him to get out more and meet people, but I don't want to force the issue, since I know I wouldn't appreciate that ind of meddling either.
I just worry that he will one day realize he is old and has missed out on a lot of things. Perhaps that is my SP nature coming though, but I don't want my brother to be a 40-year-old-virgin who still works some shitty job at a mall just because he was afraid to get out there. He's too smart to be working fast food and way too good a guy to never have a lady.
I hope some other ISTJs can give me some advice on home to help him come out of his shell a bit more.

 

[Flipit]

Not knowing how old he is, the short answer would be for you to give him time to figure it out. If he's still a teenager, he's changing constantly and I don't think you can force him to do anything he doesn't want to.

I used to be completely unsociable when I was younger as well. I always spent most of my time playing video games, because I felt like I achieved something, and I didn't find anything else much interesting. That was also why roleplaying games were my favorites, because I could keep developing my character, look back on the day and see that I actually made a difference to my character. I always went with the competitive aspect of games (be it sports, board or video games) when playing with others, because I thought the point of the game was to measure skill - to see who wins. I didn't care much for games where luck was the defining factor, because then I could possibly lose to random chance. People would call that way of living straight out nerdy, but it was all that made sense to me back then.

I still do think competitively, but I'm starting to learn that I should be easier on myself and actually spend time having fun - not see an immediate result, regardless of the costs. Being good at games isn't such a big part of me anymore, because I realize they don't have an impact on my personal life or future. Staying at home playing games, music, doing whatever is what gets me to relax, but it doesn't make an impact on my surroundings - I think that's way more important than feeding my own interests.

I know you hear all those "40-year-old-virgin" disaster stories, but I think it's more likely he'll realize that he actually has something to live for other than himself. He might also not realize, and I know this isn't that helpful if he's out in that field by now - I'm just trying to say that all it took for me was time.

 

[niss]

Flipit brings up some good points: His current age makes a difference, change does have to be his idea, role playing is a great way to get him thinking, and the fear of a 40 year old virgin is largely unfounded.

I have addressed some of your questions in a few threads. If you search for "ISTJ Scaffolding" you'll see a hit in the "So Alone" thread that talks quite a bit about how to get out of the loneliness spiral.

I will say that you are right to be concerned. An introvert can focus too much on the internal and cause themselves difficulty in relating to others--especially later in life.

Respect his need for privacy and alone time, but it shouldn't take up so much time that he seems a recluse. Find out what he likes to do, or help him find out what he likes to do that he hasn't discovered yet. A great way to get him going is to plea for his help in carefully crafted situations. Using his help in a limited social setting, where he would be interacting with 3-4 people would be ideal. Bringing him to help in a larger social function where he is interacting with 20-30 people will be a bit overwhelming, at first, but can be worked up to over a few months.

If you see he is struggling with a certain aspect--like knowing how to carry on a conversation when he doesn't know the other person--you are going to need to help him by showing him what to do.

What won't work is simply telling him that he needs to get a hobby, to get out more, or do something. Way too ambiguous. However, once he is engaged, you'll be able to step back a bit and he'll be fine.

As for snapping and doing something crazy--not likely. And get your friends to stop acting that way. Yes, acting. For what we speak, we do. If some of your friends are a little bit healthier, maybe they would be willing to openly talk to him. Needs to be considerate and not fearful--while they are helping with some chore around the house would be good.

BTW, thanks for being a kind and caring big sister. Sometimes a caring push can go a long way.:happy:

 

[Mercer]

I recently discovered that my little brother is an ISTJ, and reading the descriptions it really sounds like him. He is super dependable and reliable, and me and my other brother rely on him for a lot of things.
The thing is that he is damned unsociable. This is really saying something for me, because we come from an entire family of introverts. He goes to work, comes home, and spends all his time sitting in the basement on his computer. He only spends time with one friend. We had friends over for a party and he never left his computer once! Some of my friends are even creeped out by him because he never comes to socialize. They think he is one of those people that will some day just snap and go out an shoot people. I think they are being harsh and just don't understand him, though most of what he does is a mystery to me too.
I try to encourage him to get out more and meet people, but I don't want to force the issue, since I know I wouldn't appreciate that ind of meddling either.
I just worry that he will one day realize he is old and has missed out on a lot of things. Perhaps that is my SP nature coming though, but I don't want my brother to be a 40-year-old-virgin who still works some shitty job at a mall just because he was afraid to get out there. He's too smart to be working fast food and way too good a guy to never have a lady.
I hope some other ISTJs can give me some advice on home to help him come out of his shell a bit more.

i am the shell.

 

[Wake]

If someone has confidence then they're certain they're doing things correctly, and this leads to an outgoing nature which enables much more in terms of social matters. Thats something which must come internally though.

 

[Darkfiremat]

get to know what he like find an event about it and bring him at it enjoy

result may vary

 

[Caius20]

This is something that I actively have to force myself to do. How do I do it? I join clubs, groups, and things to that nature. I invite friends out to do social gatherings. I find that if I place myself at the hub of the events, I am forced to be more social. People come to me and ask what is going on this week, etc. I try and talk to everyone I see. I smile, if they smile back, I say Hi! It can get to be draining, and I need my alone time, but I find the more I do this, the more I enjoy it. People can be fascinating, and very enjoyable. You just need to meet those with similar interests to you.

Personally, I like to do things such as team sports (Rugby for me), Dancing (Salsa Dancing, for me), School Clubs (For your major), etc. It's so much better than going out on Friday/Saturday nights and trying to be those crazy Extroverted types. "So, how YOU doin'?" just doesn't work for me. =P

So, try to get him to join a group or club with you. Maybe set up a little Gaming tournament for his favorite video game. Even if you are just sitting next to someone, you can still shout over your monitor at them in the heat of battle. It's better than NOT socializing. Make sure you all go out for drinks after to gloat about who won, and who lost, to trade battle strats, etc. =P

 

[letsmosey]

My brother just turned 22, but he's a late bloomer like the rest of the family. I'm sure if I can convince him to join me in something fun but not too crowded he will open up a bit.
We do get him involved in a semi-weekly D&D game, though there are no new people there, just our current household and one friend. Maybe we could try inviting some new people to join our game? Then he doesn't have to go anywhere and may be more comfortable in his own home?
In any case, thanks for the advice.

 

[firedancer42]

My brother just turned 22, but he's a late bloomer like the rest of the family. I'm sure if I can convince him to join me in something fun but not too crowded he will open up a bit.
We do get him involved in a semi-weekly D&D game, though there are no new people there, just our current household and one friend. Maybe we could try inviting some new people to join our game? Then he doesn't have to go anywhere and may be more comfortable in his own home?
In any case, thanks for the advice.

I played D&D for the first time at my university this past year and absolutely loved it. I was the newcomer among several veterans and it seemed like they enjoyed teaching me as much as I liked learning. Your brother might enjoy that type of teaching role, one person at a time...in an otherwise comfortable area for him. He'll have the confidence of knowing the ins and outs of the game and be able to share that knowledge while getting to know someone else. It might lead to a domino effect, you can't be sure, but it could be worth a shot.

 

[Darkfiremat]

take him to a D&D con ?

 

[vocalist]

Something that helps get my ISTJ brother (in his early 20's) involved is to bring up a topic of interest, like music, politics, languages, then all of a sudden he becomes very lively and talkative. If we're talking about something that he's not interested in, though, he will leave the room or-- more likely recently-- pull out a sheet of manuscript paper and start composing music in his head, completely oblivious of the rest of us, until one of us says something interesting again.

 

[Darkfiremat]

istj are good in music ?

 

[niss]

istj are good in music ?

Absolutely!

 

[Flipit]

Absolutely!

I completely agree. My musical interest is growing and I'm going to pick up another instrument soon :wink:

 

[Sela]

istj are good in music ?

I was second chair violin all through high school. I was ALSO second chair French horn in band, as well as being self-taught on several other band instruments (to the point that the band director allowed me to play my second band instrument of choice once a week in class).
I also took (and enjoyed) Music Theory and got A's in the course.
I was in the choir for a while but the school corporation disallowed students to be in more than two music programs concurrently. When it was found out that I was trying to sneak in a third, they made me choose. :crazy:

 

[Caius20]

I played Clarinet in the honor band all through high school. I currently play guitar, and harmonica for fun.

 

[firedancer42]

I was first chair clarinet in middle school, and would surely be useless now, but loved it while I played. I didn't play in high school because of the ridiculous requirements from marching band that interfered with other things. I learned to read music quickly and still remember most of what I learned...it would be the skill I'd have to work on if I tried to pick it back up again. :wink: