[Indigo Aria]

Are any of you in a relationship with an INFJ? If so, how has that worked for you?

My mom is an ISTJ (hardcore...and probably the reason I love ISTJ's) and my dad is an INFJ. I think dad may be an unhealthy INFJ... but anyways, I don't know what keeps them together, I don't think I've ever seen a more mismatched pair. My dad is manipulative and controlling one minute, then goes on an Fe rampage the next (I'm a hardcore F and he makes me wanna puke). Mom is always like WTF man? It's a hard dynamic to explain, since I don't fully understand either of them.

 

[INXX]

Infj + istj

Are any of you in a relationship with an INFJ? If so, how has that worked for you?

My mom is an ISTJ (hardcore...and probably the reason I love ISTJ's) and my dad is an INFJ. I think dad may be an unhealthy INFJ... but anyways, I don't know what keeps them together, I don't think I've ever seen a more mismatched pair. My dad is manipulative and controlling one minute, then goes on an Fe rampage the next (I'm a hardcore F and he makes me wanna puke). Mom is always like WTF man? It's a hard dynamic to explain, since I don't fully understand either of them.

Hi there, sorry you have to exist in between such a difficult relationship. I am an INFJ who was married to an ISTJ for over ten years. It was very difficult, especially since neither of us knew our types. Are your parents aware of their type differences? It may help them to learn the other one's preferences, etc.

For me, the difficulty came from him seeming to be inscrutable, especially where feeling is involved. INFJs need to connect emotionally, and need positive feedback and the give and take of intimate conversations! ISTJs tend to keep their emotions to themselves... That's not to say that they don't have them! I understand that ISTJs can care very deeply in fact.

For me, my ISTJ husband seemed like a shell--with no real human being inside. Wow. That was difficult for me. On your mom's side, she may feel as you, that your father is being completely irrational because he may not be able to truthfully explain his needs in an objective manner. Could your dad possibly be an INFP? Just wondering.

Hope this helps.

God bless,

INFJ friend.

 

[Indigo Aria]

Hi there, sorry you have to exist in between such a difficult relationship. I am an INFJ who was married to an ISTJ for over ten years. It was very difficult, especially since neither of us knew our types. Are your parents aware of their type differences? It may help them to learn the other one's preferences, etc.

For me, the difficulty came from him seeming to be inscrutable, especially where feeling is involved. INFJs need to connect emotionally, and need positive feedback and the give and take of intimate conversations! ISTJs tend to keep their emotions to themselves... That's not to say that they don't have them! I understand that ISTJs can care very deeply in fact.

For me, my ISTJ husband seemed like a shell--with no real human being inside. Wow. That was difficult for me. On your mom's side, she may feel as you, that your father is being completely irrational because he may not be able to truthfully explain his needs in an objective manner. Could your dad possibly be an INFP? Just wondering.

Hope this helps.

God bless,

INFJ friend.

I can see where maybe he hasn't recieved the emotional connection he has craved, but I think that's only come about recently. It seems like he and my mother used to be much closer, and mom had opened up emotionally for a long time (as ISTJ's tend to do, this was the one person she opened up to). I think it went south though when he didn't defend her as she felt necesary in a family argument...gotta love in-laws :frustrating: His family never really liked my mom, and one day in a fight...in our kitchen...his mother slapped my mom. He just sat there with a blank look on his face (he's always been a momma's boy, to the point it causes trouble). I don't know what would have made him do that, but ever since, mom has basically shut down to him emotionally. And honestly, I can't stand being in a room with both of them anymore. They say they still love each other, but I know they don't. They just don't care enough to say anything anymore. Which is fine by me, because at least they don't fight.

My parents are slightly aware of their type differences, but neither one is interested enough in MBTI to put any effort into reading about it. And I'm sure my dad is INFJ, he has a raging Ni and his Fe isn't developed properly but he still uses it all the time.

I'd really like to meet a healthy INFJ IRL...
and thank you for replying

 

[INXX]

Hi Lucky,

Wow, I can't imagine my mother slapping my husband. I can imagine my father hitting him, but I have not had contact with him for many, many, years (my choice). If my father were around us and he did hit my husband however, I would absolutely defend my husband, and my father would be banned, most likely permanently. I am ferociously protective of my husband and son!

It may help you to accept the fact that you will probably not be able to control or change your parents. Sometimes, we can influence people, but the truth is that they have to really want to change of their own volition. The important thing to remember is that you are NOT them. You are your own, very unique individual, and you are absolutely free to be your own version of yourself!

Your type says "The Artists." Are you creating any art? I am an artist myself (I will try to figure out how to upload one of my paintings if you like). Painting/drawing, or any type of creative act is a very good stress reliever!

Your parents probably do love each other, but a lot of people confuse needing with loving. Love is SACRIFICIAL, it is the act of sacrificing for the benefit or well being of the beloved. Sometimes people confuse this with needing the other person. They "love" the other person, because they need them (usually to satisfy emotional needs). I don't know your age, but you seem young. Whenever you do form an intimate relationship with someone, especially a serious one, it is important to ensure that this person loves you in the sacrificial sense. This will be obvious in that the other person will tend to build you up, and not tear you down (even when they are angry). This is what a healthy relationship looks like. Even if your parents do not live this out, it doesn't mean that you are doomed to repeat it! I know that you have not said that you would repeat it, it's just a nugget thrown out there for you in case you need it.

I see that your mood on your profile is depressed right now. Try to take a break and go for a walk, or create something. It might help to lessen the sadness... Cliches, I know, but they do tend to work.

Finally, I hope that I'm not butting in too much, and if you want to write privately to me, you are more than welcome. I am happy to help if I can.

Warm regards,

INFJ friend

 

[INXX]

P.S. The thumbs up at the top of the page was accidental!

 

[INXX]

One other thing--- I should say that your parents are human! We all tend to expect our parents to be better and more perfect than than other people. It may help to remember that they are just as fallible, unstable, erroneous, and capable of rotten behaviour or emotional immaturity as the rest of us. In Christian terms, sinful. If any of us claims to be perfect, we are liars. Some people develop maturity, some people never seem to arrive. Your father may mature! Nonetheless, no one gets to choose their parents. The good news is that, whatever life throws at us, be it terrible parents, trauma, tragedy, disability, etc. we have the choice to allow it to make us better, stronger, more patient, etc. or we can allow it to make us bitter, angry, and perpetually unhappy. When we choose the latter, we allow the bad thing to continue its hold on us, continue to hurt us, continue to have power over us. Blimey, sound like Dr. Laura now, sorry, lol, even so, it bears consideration...

 

[Indigo Aria]

Hi Lucky,

Wow, I can't imagine my mother slapping my husband. I can imagine my father hitting him, but I have not had contact with him for many, many, years (my choice). If my father were around us and he did hit my husband however, I would absolutely defend my husband, and my father would be banned, most likely permanently. I am ferociously protective of my husband and son!

It may help you to accept the fact that you will probably not be able to control or change your parents. Sometimes, we can influence people, but the truth is that they have to really want to change of their own volition. The important thing to remember is that you are NOT them. You are your own, very unique individual, and you are absolutely free to be your own version of yourself!

Your type says "The Artists." Are you creating any art? I am an artist myself (I will try to figure out how to upload one of my paintings if you like). Painting/drawing, or any type of creative act is a very good stress reliever!

Your parents probably do love each other, but a lot of people confuse needing with loving. Love is SACRIFICIAL, it is the act of sacrificing for the benefit or well being of the beloved. Sometimes people confuse this with needing the other person. They "love" the other person, because they need them (usually to satisfy emotional needs). I don't know your age, but you seem young. Whenever you do form an intimate relationship with someone, especially a serious one, it is important to ensure that this person loves you in the sacrificial sense. This will be obvious in that the other person will tend to build you up, and not tear you down (even when they are angry). This is what a healthy relationship looks like. Even if your parents do not live this out, it doesn't mean that you are doomed to repeat it! I know that you have not said that you would repeat it, it's just a nugget thrown out there for you in case you need it.

I see that your mood on your profile is depressed right now. Try to take a break and go for a walk, or create something. It might help to lessen the sadness... Cliches, I know, but they do tend to work.

Finally, I hope that I'm not butting in too much, and if you want to write privately to me, you are more than welcome. I am happy to help if I can.

Warm regards,

INFJ friend

that's something I've noticed about my my father...he's not really protective of anything...except his money. And as far as controlling my parents goes, I would never even try, it's just not in my nature. I'm a physical manifestation of "live and let live" lol. the whole point of this was just to see if any other ISTJ + INFJ combinations had gone sour. I've read than ISTJ + INFP is good, and that ISTP + INFJ is good, but ISTJ + INFJ is not good, and I've seen how that can be the case.

Artistic? I'm a mechanical artist...which has caused me a lot of confusion actually. I thought I was an ISTP for a long time. But I take pride in the things I can do with nuts and bolts and gears.

I've more to say, but I think I'll pm you, since I've already gone way out of the scope of the ISTJ forum

 

[vel]

According to MBTI this is not such a good paring. All of the ISTJs I've known it was like a feeling of mutual cold respect between us, but not much interest otherwise.

What usually prompts INFJ to protect somebody is display of hurt feelings by that somebody. But ISTJs are not really good at showing their feelings especially if their tertiary function is underdeveloped. And if expressed, their feelings can appear to be self-centered and not very deep to us.

It seems that what prompts one person to find interest in another person is if their 3rd function is that other person's 1st or 2nd function. So for INFPs their third function is Si which is primary for ISTJs and for ISTJs their third function is Fi which is primary in INFPs. What creates understanding is having same primary function. But for INFJ and ISTJ there isn't any of these dynamics present. Both INFJs and ISTPs do share sense of duty however, duty to their family, which is probably why your mother and father are still keeping together.

 

[INXX]

Never mind.

 

[Anahata]

Hi there,

I was so fascinated to see this post because I thought I would read about other relationships like my own, and then I was very saddened to read such painful accounts! I want to say that I'm sorry for the INFJ's that have wound up on the wrong side of ISTJ's.

I want to posit an idea here, however! I have been married for 7 years very happily and very successfully to my ISTJ partner. My husband recently took the MBTI and discovered that his type preferences were very balanced on the S/N line and also on the T/F line so that makes our marriage much easier. He's still not well understood as a person by his family or my family. People tend to observe him as being detached, cold and sarcastic, but early on in our relationship it was easy for me to see that that was his shell and there was a very special and loving soul in there. I worry for him sometimes because I'm just about the only person whom he lets see his loving nature, though he's an angel with my mother! He's so gentle and kind to her. My husband is also a wonderful and loving father to our little boy.

I, myself, tend to be balanced on the F/T function and the J/P function. So he and I complement each other quite nicely, but I can easily see how two people who stack truer to the ISTJ and INFJ personalities than we do could match up poorly.

I hope this was of some use to you, and I'm sorry you're in that tense relationship.

Peace,
Ana

 

[niss]

Too bad you took it to PM. This was a good discussion.

FWIW, M-I-L would have been banished from our home--regardless of which M-I-L it was.

Milke Toast (MT) (for my mom) was never much of a cook. In fact, I am eternally grateful to the fella that invented the can opener. He saved our family from starvation. However, SWMBO is a wonderful cook, dreaming up new dishes in her head and serving them for the first time and getting raving reviews.

But, you know, you're 'sposed to like mama's cookin', right?

So one dark day, early in our marriage, MT asked me who was the better cook, her or SWMBO. Now SWMBO is in the room, and I've told SWMBO how I was able to survive and reach adulthood in spite of MT's cooking....so I really thought this is a no-win situation--answer honestly and straight forward and let the chips fall where they may. Without much hesitation, I told MT that SWMBO was the better cook.

I was right. It was a no-win situation. And long before the TV series came around, I was the biggest loser.

Ends up, MT is crying, SWMBO is consoling her while giving me dirty looks.

I go outside to cut the grass. *sigh*

SWMBO later says in private that it was a dumb question, and yes I was honest, but that sometimes it is better to not be quite so blunt with my honesty. Something I'm still working on.

Bottom line is: Yeah, you stick with your marriage partner and back them up against in-laws, out-laws, or any one else that comes around.

A little off topic--more directed toward parents of The Lucky One. Dumb behavior on Dad's part.

 

[Indigo Aria]

Too bad you took it to PM. This was a good discussion.

sorry. I've been scared out of such discussions by the ISTP board. I thought I was straying too far.

 

[Frannyy]

sorry. I've been scared out of such discussions by the ISTP board. I thought I was straying too far.

we don't mind it here. I have been scared to even post there because they yell at me haha.



anyways, if an ISTJ and INFJ are having difficulties, it could be because their functions are completely reversed:



ISTJ = Si Te Fi Ne Se Ti Fe Ni
INFJ = Ni Fe Ti Se Ne Fi Te Si


just something I noticed

 

[madhatter]

sorry. I've been scared out of such discussions by the ISTP board. I thought I was straying too far.

we don't mind it here. I have been scared to even post there because they yell at me haha.

Yeah...sorry about that, guys. :mellow: It's too bad, really. I like the diversity of different view points.

 

[curious0610]

I like the variety of views on here, too. Sometimes, I often post in non-INFJ threads, because I really want to hear from different perspectives. For those that are used to me peeking in their forum, I think they just think "Oh, it's curious again." But I think others are like "What the heck? Why is this on the XXXX forum, there's nothing about XXXX's on here...? . Uh this person needs to post in YYYY forum." (So I sort of know what you mean about being scared that you strayed too much).

Anyway, I hope everything works out. I agree with vel who wrote that there was always a cold, mutual respect between her and other ISTJs. However, this only applies to ISTJs I only know as acquaintances or as a friends' friend (and we only see each other momentarily or in big groups).

with ISTJs I know really well, I've become the best of friends with them. I think sometimes there's a lot of "missed" moments, in the sense that we use such different functions to process the world and sometimes we can be together, in the same place, witnessing the same things, but we draw such different experiences out of them. We also seem to have hide-and-go-seek "withdrawal" modes, where when I'm hiding, the other is looking, vice versa, if that makes sense. This probably more has to do with our I tendencies and our need to recharge in private though. That said, I really value my ISTJ close friends. And i really like the ISTJ forum here... !!! Anyway, I think it might help if you post on the INFJ thread about specific types of behaviors? there might be other INFJs that would be able to help you understand where your dad's coming from? Your post was pretty vague, so yeah, let us know if we can be of help!

 

[mistersir]

I dated an ISTJ for a while a few years ago but the biggest problem was just how we had so much trouble communicating. I'd give ISTJs a chance though if I could find one I could communicate with.

 

[curious0610]

Niss... thanks for sharing your experience.

It's interesting, but I was in a similar encounter with an ISTJ friend and his girlfriend (a mutual friend of ours) at that time. His girlfriend and I helped him cook a meal for his parents/family friends - this ISTJ and I were close family friends, hence him asking me to help him, especially since some of the dishes were ethnic dishes I had a knack for. His GF and I made the same dishes (using our separate recipes), but the point of two people cooking was to get more quantity served for everyone. I actually proposed we could just use the same recipe to make things simpler, but the girlfriend at that time wanted to do our own things.

His parents jokingly asked whose was better, mine or his GF's. I kind of thought this was obvious -- regardless of whose was better, I figured he would proudly say something along the lines of "Well, curious, I really liked this and this aspect of your dish, but I must say my GF!" I seriously would have understood if he said this.

SURPRISINGLY, he didn't respond ( i think it was in an attempt to be diplomatic and to avoid potentially hurt feelings). he sort of muttered something about how he thought my dish was cooked differently and tasted good. He kept eating spoonfuls of my dish and his GF's dish. and finally, he said nothing and the room atmosphere was awkward for a good five or so minutes.

His GF at that time (ENFx) got mad at him, lol. and I bugged him about this afterward, but he still didn't respond. I told him to just tell her he thought her dish was better, but didn't say anything cause he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. but he still wouldn't. :bored:

 

[Sela]

I dated an ISTJ for a while a few years ago but the biggest problem was just how we had so much trouble communicating. I'd give ISTJs a chance though if I could find one I could communicate with.

I don't believe that's always the case; while it's a friendship situation and not a dating situation in my case, if both people are honest with themselves and not trying to be something they are not, communication should be less of an issue. My INFJ coworker/friend called me a couple of nights ago at work; we talked for a few minutes but I wasn't in the mood for talking more than a few minutes at a time due to my cat being put to sleep just that morning. I told her that I wasn't up for talking (and explained why) and she let me go without hesitation. I'll call her back in a couple of days (before school starts) and we'll pick up where we left off.

 

[Indigo Aria]

Sorry I haven't taken the time to post a decent response, I've run myself ragged over the past few days. Actually...I was putting a dormer on a house for one of my friends who I believe is an ISxJ...probably T.

I like the variety of views on here, too. Sometimes, I often post in non-INFJ threads, because I really want to hear from different perspectives. For those that are used to me peeking in their forum, I think they just think "Oh, it's curious again." But I think others are like "What the heck? Why is this on the XXXX forum, there's nothing about XXXX's on here...? . Uh this person needs to post in YYYY forum." (So I sort of know what you mean about being scared that you strayed too much).

Anyway, I hope everything works out. I agree with vel who wrote that there was always a cold, mutual respect between her and other ISTJs. However, this only applies to ISTJs I only know as acquaintances or as a friends' friend (and we only see each other momentarily or in big groups).

with ISTJs I know really well, I've become the best of friends with them. I think sometimes there's a lot of "missed" moments, in the sense that we use such different functions to process the world and sometimes we can be together, in the same place, witnessing the same things, but we draw such different experiences out of them. We also seem to have hide-and-go-seek "withdrawal" modes, where when I'm hiding, the other is looking, vice versa, if that makes sense. This probably more has to do with our I tendencies and our need to recharge in private though. That said, I really value my ISTJ close friends. And i really like the ISTJ forum here... !!! Anyway, I think it might help if you post on the INFJ thread about specific types of behaviors? there might be other INFJs that would be able to help you understand where your dad's coming from? Your post was pretty vague, so yeah, let us know if we can be of help!

I love how concerned you INFJ's are...I never saw the good side of one until I came on here, but I love ya now. :crazy:

I did go to the INFJ forum about my dad once before. I believe we came to the conclusion that he is under stress and acting like an ESTP, but I don't know how much I believe in the whole shadow theory... I've stopped giving him chances and trying to understand, since he puts no effort at all into trying to understand me and mom. I very often have to ask him if he's even listening...and I don't talk that much. I'm nearly 20 years old, and he's been married to mom for 21 or 22 years and been with her for like 26 or 27, but he barely knows either of us...he's so self centered. I can see how he acts like an ESTP gone wrong out in public, though. He's just a dick...a loud, obnoxious, cold, spiteful dick with a blazingly fast Ti that ends up shooting mom and I down. And at the same time, I hate to say that about him, because there are a few moments, here and there, where his Fe shines through and it's really nice. but I guess this post wasn't about what I originally came here to ask. anyways...I'll post more when I get time. Thanks for the replies everyone

 

[fairytales]

Thanks TheLuckyOne for starting this thread, its been very useful in figuring out my new relationship with an ISTJ. Hes borderline on the S/N , as am I so its really just the F/T that we are so very different on. However, Ive realised that ISTJs tend to take their time with things? So Im not too concerned after a couple of months that the connection between us isnt as deep as I would like. I think knowing MBTI types is definetly a good way to modify certain areas in a relationship.