[nightowl]

One of my best friends who also has a love for personalities, the mind, and how people operate has dealt with some issues during his life.

It is understandable that no body's life if perfect. Yet, what my longtime friend has told me raises some issues about his stability. His family life was not what i thought it was. One of the parents was not inolved in his life ( the parents did not divorce) so instead of having a parental unit (two people) in his life to go two he had one. It is only when this parent chose to be in his life did that person make an effort to be somewhat of a parent. There seems to be issues of controlling, and verbal and emotional abuse.

My friend is quiet and very mellow. I have come to see that there is alot of distrust because of what he has gone through. You really have to earn his trust for him to let you in and get closer to him. Unfortunately he had to experience alot of things on his own.

Have any of you experienced or known someone that has gone through something similar and what have you observed?

 

[CallSignOWL]

I am ISTJ and have had a very rocky relationship with my step-dad (he is INTJ). He just assumed that we saw him as the "step-dad" and if we didn't love him, well, we sure as hell better obey him! He was very controlling (think having to ask permission to go outside, get a snack, open our windows or to take a shower) My entire childhood, he was either apathetic or angry. (i never got the sense he was actually listening or caring when I would try to make conversation with him). We never knew what to expect from him when we came home. he would often punish us severely for little things ( i once had to haul over 200 bricks from one side of the house to the other because I forgot to fold a basket of laundry)

but a lot of the emotional stuff was directed at my little brother. He has basically been grounded and confined to his room since he was 8 years old! (hes 16 now)

My actual dad (ESTJ) was much more loving in comparison, but my brother and I learned not to rely on him. His only reliability was in his un-reliability. He is a bit selfish, and only does things when it is convenient for him.

My mom (ESFJ) was the reliable one. She would always take care of us and stand up to my step dad when he was being cruel. She filed for divorce a few months ago and is very happy with her decision. She was sick of my Step-dads crap too, and had been miserable in the marriage for 8 years!



yeah...thats my sob story :dry:

Mom jokes that I will have "daddy issues" but I think I have two really good examples of what to watch out for in guys. I'm pretty quiet, and am just starting to come out of my shell now that I am away from home and at college. I am still slow to try new things and have a bit of a self-esteem issue (maybe because when we did something my step-dad found offence with, he would get really degrading and basically call us idiots) but am starting to work on my confidence. I think taking TaeKwonDo and enrolling in Air Force officer training has been helping!

OWL

 

[Rhee]

Mom jokes that I will have "daddy issues" but I think I have two really good examples of what to watch out for in guys. I'm pretty quiet, and am just starting to come out of my shell now that I am away from home and at college. I am still slow to try new things and have a bit of a self-esteem issue (maybe because when we did something my step-dad found offence with, he would get really degrading and basically call us idiots) but am starting to work on my confidence. I think taking TaeKwonDo and enrolling in Air Force officer training has been helping!

Thanks for sharing, OWL. For what it's worth I think you're being very, very smart and doing all the right things. I wish peace and happiness in your family's future.

 

[Mercer]

One of my best friends who also has a love for personalities, the mind, and how people operate has dealt with some issues during his life.

It is understandable that no body's life if perfect. Yet, what my longtime friend has told me raises some issues about his stability. His family life was not what i thought it was. One of the parents was not inolved in his life ( the parents did not divorce) so instead of having a parental unit (two people) in his life to go two he had one. It is only when this parent chose to be in his life did that person make an effort to be somewhat of a parent. There seems to be issues of controlling, and verbal and emotional abuse.

My friend is quiet and very mellow. I have come to see that there is alot of distrust because of what he has gone through. You really have to earn his trust for him to let you in and get closer to him. Unfortunately he had to experience alot of things on his own.

Have any of you experienced or known someone that has gone through something similar and what have you observed?

i had an abusive relationship with my entire nuclear family. my parents abused me physically, emotionally and psychologically. as well as my brothers and sisters. recently i have gained more muscle, now they know they can't smack me around anymore. my parents do an awful lot of conterproductive things. like when i wanted to be a psychologist my mom pretty much told me that i was socially retarded and that it would never happen. and beceause i was an idiot when i was 15, i believed her. my dad encouraged me to drop out of college and now he's trying to get me to avoid military service. they have held me back at every point which matters, they had done unforgivable things at my times of most vulnrebility and expended energy to make sure i ignored certain milestones in my life, so i've got to spend the time and money to fix what they've done.

 

[dagnytaggart]

I am ISTJ and have had a very rocky relationship with my step-dad (he is INTJ). He just assumed that we saw him as the "step-dad" and if we didn't love him, well, we sure as hell better obey him! He was very controlling (think having to ask permission to go outside, get a snack, open our windows or to take a shower) My entire childhood, he was either apathetic or angry. (i never got the sense he was actually listening or caring when I would try to make conversation with him). We never knew what to expect from him when we came home. he would often punish us severely for little things ( i once had to haul over 200 bricks from one side of the house to the other because I forgot to fold a basket of laundry)

...you sure he was INTJ? :mellow:

I just can't imagine INTJs being that strict. I'd think YOU ISTJs would be stricter parents.

 

[nightowl]

I am ISTJ and have had a very rocky relationship with my step-dad (he is INTJ). He just assumed that we saw him as the "step-dad" and if we didn't love him, well, we sure as hell better obey him! He was very controlling (think having to ask permission to go outside, get a snack, open our windows or to take a shower) My entire childhood, he was either apathetic or angry. (i never got the sense he was actually listening or caring when I would try to make conversation with him). We never knew what to expect from him when we came home. he would often punish us severely for little things ( i once had to haul over 200 bricks from one side of the house to the other because I forgot to fold a basket of laundry)

From what he has told me there were outburst over little things for example the family dog has thrown up and he was about to clean it and his father just blew up at him because he wasn't wearing rubber gloves to clean up the mess, even though he was going to clean up and clean his hands afterward.

I think the father for whatever reason did not put his son as number one priority as most parents would. Rarely was he there or give my friend and advice during trying times of his life. One could say you learn not what to do or how not to treat people from watching such behavior.

From what i have seen there was many things growing up he had to deal and learn on his own. Now it is hitting him again just how warped his life has been!

 

[CallSignOWL]

...you sure he was INTJ? :mellow:

I just can't imagine INTJs being that strict. I'd think YOU ISTJs would be stricter parents.

yeah, in one of his more agreeable moments we were able to use a test to type him. And reading the descriptions of INTJs, he fell strongly within the 'unhealthy' descriptions of the type! He too was raised in a strict environment, but somethings his even parents just don't know where that would come from. (they had mellowed over the years and did take some of the blame for causing him to be the way he is, but they are still amazed by some of the stuff he does...)

I picked up on the strictness I was raised in, and get upset if things are not "done right", but Ive been working on letting things go and trying not to be so anal about things.... College seems to be a great working ground for this type of thing. (do you know how many kids are underage drinking here?!?! Its absurd!!!) :tongue:

 

[niss]

From what he has told me there were outburst over little things for example the family dog has thrown up and he was about to clean it and his father just blew up at him because he wasn't wearing rubber gloves to clean up the mess, even though he was going to clean up and clean his hands afterward.

I think the father for whatever reason did not put his son as number one priority as most parents would. Rarely was he there or give my friend and advice during trying times of his life. One could say you learn not what to do or how not to treat people from watching such behavior.

From what i have seen there was many things growing up he had to deal and learn on his own. Now it is hitting him again just how warped his life has been!

Have any of you experienced or known someone that has gone through something similar and what have you observed?

Yes, my siblings and I had a pretty shabby childhood growing up. Similar to what you have described. I would suggest that your friend get some counseling to help him deal with the baggage that invariably results from such an upbringing.

 

[nightowl]

I would suggest that your friend get some counseling to help him deal with the baggage that invariably results from such an upbringing.

What type of effects have you personally seen?

 

[niss]

What type of effects have you personally seen?

So many...especially if you are asking about individual behaviors as opposed to driving factors.

• Extreme defensiveness to the point where constructive criticism of any type is viewed as an attack.
• Pronounced nervous tics--Things that take 20 years to overcome
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Fear of making a decision--being immobilized by this
• Depression--extreme to the point of attempting suicide
• Escapism--very pronounced. At times fuels the self-destructive behaviors
• Addictive Personality--Ties in with escapism. The addicitions become how escape is achieved. Spirals out of control until self-worth is undermined.
• Low or no self-esteem; view of self as completely worthless

HTH

 

[nightowl]

"So many...especially if you are asking about individual behaviors as opposed to driving factors."

Then what could "some" of the driving factors be?

 

[niss]

"So many...especially if you are asking about individual behaviors as opposed to driving factors."

Then what could "some" of the driving factors be?

I listed some of them above. As an example, seeking an alternate reality (escapism) would be a driving factor and alcoholism would be the individual behavior.

 

[nightowl]

Is it possible that a person that has experienced this type of trauma that person would develop not a split personality but two different mindsets that pop up.

 

[niss]

Is it possible that a person that has experienced this type of trauma that person would develop not a split personality but two different mindsets that pop up.

I honestly don't know. Maybe someone else would be able to chime in...

 

[seeker2011]

...you sure he was INTJ? :mellow:

I just can't imagine INTJs being that strict. I'd think YOU ISTJs would be stricter parents.

I had the exact same thought. But then I had to stop myself and remember that each type can be anything. But still, according to the general attributes of the types, I had the exact same thought. My two parents happen to be ISTJ and INTJ. And my ISTJ Mum was very anal and could be very harsh and had a very easy time punishing us. My INTJ Dad was far more reasonable and had a notion of what I would call "general fairness", because he didn't lose the big picture perspective. However, I have to learn not to assume every ISTJ is like my mum, nor every INTJ like my dad.

 

[SoftBoiledLife]

i had an abusive relationship with my entire nuclear family. my parents abused me physically, emotionally and psychologically. as well as my brothers and sisters. recently i have gained more muscle, now they know they can't smack me around anymore. my parents do an awful lot of conterproductive things. like when i wanted to be a psychologist my mom pretty much told me that i was socially retarded and that it would never happen. and beceause i was an idiot when i was 15, i believed her. my dad encouraged me to drop out of college and now he's trying to get me to avoid military service. they have held me back at every point which matters, they had done unforgivable things at my times of most vulnrebility and expended energy to make sure i ignored certain milestones in my life, so i've got to spend the time and money to fix what they've done.

Your parents are going to get old. When they do, I really hope/pray they realize what they've done and really make an effort to repent for it.


As for you...I don't know how you lived life. You managed to survive and live on. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but fight on! Find what you enjoy and stick to it. Don't let what you family says discourage you.


If it's any comfort, your family members don't seem like the type who'll ever be happy.

 

[Mercer]

Your parents are going to get old. When they do, I really hope/pray they realize what they've done and really make an effort to repent for it.


As for you...I don't know how you lived life. You managed to survive and live on. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but fight on! Find what you enjoy and stick to it. Don't let what you family says discourage you.


If it's any comfort, your family members don't seem like the type who'll ever be happy.

thanks zeth