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So I saw a thread that said this:

After 14 years of not knowing what was so wrong, finally the description and compatibility for INFPs and ISTJs spelled it out to the T. We are finally going separate ways, looking forward to be happy again!

peace to all,

R
And what followed was a lot of people saying they had similar, negative experiences with ISTJs in relationships. I'm pretty good at failing relationships, but maybe it's because I was trying to make something worth with the wrong personality type? Any info on this topic would be greatly appreciated.
 

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Harsh comments on that thread based on one side of a story and a smattering of stereotypes! That said, my husband is ISTJ and one of my closest friends is INFP, and she drives him batty :laughing: Our conversations after hanging out with INFP and her ISFP husband went something like, "Did you hear her say ___? That makes no sense! Where does she even come up with this stuff??" From her heart, Babe. All the Feels.

No real answer from me regarding compatibility as I'm no expert on the theory of socionics. It is interesting to Google. It is just a theory though. There is more to compatibility than MBTI types, and a lot more to making a relationship work than just compatibility.

I do believe you are headed in the right direction in beginning to wonder if compatibility has something to do with it (them being good for you, you being good for them), rather than just you being good at failing relationships.
 

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My closest friend is an INFP. It's not always easy to understand each other, but somehow it works really well...we're both a bit slow in the introverted way and have grown accustomed to our mannerisms and common interests....maybe even common way of seeing things (Si/Ne). I used to really look up to him and want to submit to his opinions and way of seeing things because I had low self-esteem and thought I was defective in general. That's another issue that affected all my relationships though for a long time.

I think in general I get along with NFs and SJs more than NTs and SPs. I may get along more with ISFPs and ENTJs in the two latter categories though. I am able to get along with anyone if I have to, but to develop relationship with an ESTP is a challenge, even though I envy them in reality. It's hard to communicate and maintain interest between each other on just a personal level. I have commissioned an art piece from an ESTP, and it's one of the my favorite things I've done.
 
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The differences experienced are more related to values, than strictly to type. While type can reflect some very broad values, it isn't the end all you would expect it to be after reading that thread.

The truth is that ISTJs can make excellent friends and lovers for all types, if both parties share similar values, life experiences, and intelligence. The further those three diverge, the less likely the relationship will last.
 

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Well, obviously it depends on your working definition of compatibility and also on the ISTJ in particular.


In terms of long-term stability and happiness, I'd probably vote ISFJ.
But, in terms of chemistry and romance, perhaps an INFP, ENFP, or ESFP.
 

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Isfj.
 
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The differences experienced are more related to values, than strictly to type. While type can reflect some very broad values, it isn't the end all you would expect it to be after reading that thread.

The truth is that ISTJs can make excellent friends and lovers for all types, if both parties share similar values, life experiences, and intelligence. The further those three diverge, the less likely the relationship will last.
Quality post. Everyone that asks "What's XXXX's best match?" "Who is XXXX most Compatible with?" should refer straight to this post
 

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I'm an ENTP married 12 years to an ISTJ and it turns out, based on threads in the ENTP database, that it is not an uncommon pairing. Not only that, most of us were married 10+ years to ISTJs. Believe me, the Ne to Si was big issue when we were dating. We fought ALOT until we figured out how the other one was thinking. He is will to go out and do and see new things with me; however, I learned that he needs to check off a few practical things from his list (or plan to be back in time for him to do those items) before we can go out and do it. Otherwise, he is a really distracted and overly critical because he is thinking about the things he needs to do. He has learned that I will only follow rules and organization if it makes sense to me (I cannot blindly follow anything), so he need to give me a concrete reason. Literally, I forget the rule if it makes no sense to me-he always thinks it is intentional but it is not. There have been times that his request still made no sense in my head so he has had to say "Can the reason be because you love me and it would make me happy if you do it?" It is so foreign to him because unless the rule is blatantly incorrect, ISTJs tend not to question rules, especially if they come from someone they know and trust.

I do think the ISTJ/ENTP pairing works because of the yin and yang. Our strengths are the other person's weaknesses. He keeps me organized (and out of debt) and I get him to not be so tightly wound and experience things beyond what he knows and is comfortable with. ENTPs tend to keep the line of communication open in relationships and ISTJ are willing to participate with neither party getting easily offended.
 

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Well, obviously it depends on your working definition of compatibility and also on the ISTJ in particular.


In terms of long-term stability and happiness, I'd probably vote ISFJ.
But, in terms of chemistry and romance, perhaps an INFP, ENFP, or ESFP.
Idk about that I have low tolerance for very J-ish ppl for example. :th_blush: especially any who can't process the emotional atmosphere around them :/.... avoid avoid avoid RUN.
 

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I do think the ISTJ/ENTP pairing works because of the yin and yang. Our strengths are the other person's weaknesses. He keeps me organized (and out of debt) and I get him to not be so tightly wound and experience things beyond what he knows and is comfortable with. ENTPs tend to keep the line of communication open in relationships and ISTJ are willing to participate with neither party getting easily offended.
I can see this. I seem to know a lot of NTs (I'm not sure I agree with the Keirsey definitions, but there's definitely an air about NTs that implies some commonality) and I tend to get on pretty well with them. Obviously there's a lot more to relationships (romantic or otherwise) than personality type alone - if type is nature then we are still a product of our nurture. However, I do think your comment about 'neither party getting easily offended' particularly rings true. I've seen NTs often come out with comments and you think "do they think they can get away with that without upsetting anyone?" and after a while you realise it's just the way they are. It isn't personal, it's not a dig, they're not actually trying to get one over on you and there's very rarely any malicious intent going on at all. And it's refreshing to actually be able to be completely honest (blunt) with them (no more tongue biting!) and there's never any offence taken back.
 

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Idk about that I have low tolerance for very J-ish ppl for example. :th_blush: especially any who can't process the emotional atmosphere around them :/.... avoid avoid avoid RUN.
I would say the INFP-ISTJ pairing would be difficult. I know personally how an NP/SJ go together and our saving grace is really that we are both Thinkers. We can logically work out relationship issues. ISTJs are not naturally romantic people. Often, when they are being romantic, it is more because they know it is good for their partner or the relationship, not because the have an overwhelming need to do it. That is perfectly fine for an ENTP, we aren't particularly gushy, but I am not seeing an INFP being ok with it. However, an ISTJ can be pretty relaxed, soft, and lovey at home when they are not stressed (although ISTJs seem to find stress even in unstressful situations so it can be a bit rare to see it). I can see the INFP way of floating around with your ideals and seeing things gray clashing with the ordered, loyal, black and white, rule-following of the ISTJs. ENTPs have that too but not nearly as pronounced as INFPs and ENTPs lead with our brains rather than our hearts so, with a good explanation, the ISTJs can understand our decisions. I think ISTJ would have a difficult time trying to deal with someone who leads with their intuition and their heart.
 
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The differences experienced are more related to values, than strictly to type. While type can reflect some very broad values, it isn't the end all you would expect it to be after reading that thread.

The truth is that ISTJs can make excellent friends and lovers for all types, if both parties share similar values, life experiences, and intelligence. The further those three diverge, the less likely the relationship will last.
I honestly believe any two healthy types can be together if their goals and values are similar. INFJ are supposed to be the most compatible with an ENTPs. I don't care how "perfect" those personality types are, if one wants to travel the world and never have children and the other wants to have two kids and live in the suburbs, they aren't going to last.
 

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I would say the INFP-ISTJ pairing would be difficult. I know personally how an NP/SJ go together and our saving grace is really that we are both Thinkers. We can logically work out relationship issues. ISTJs are not naturally romantic people. Often, when they are being romantic, it is more because they know it is good for their partner or the relationship, not because the have an overwhelming need to do it. That is perfectly fine for an ENTP, we aren't particularly gushy, but I am not seeing an INFP being ok with it. However, an ISTJ can be pretty relaxed, soft, and lovey at home when they are not stressed (although ISTJs seem to find stress even in unstressful situations so it can be a bit rare to see it). I can see the INFP way of floating around with your ideals and seeing things gray clashing with the ordered, loyal, black and white, rule-following of the ISTJs. ENTPs have that too but not nearly as pronounced as INFPs and ENTPs lead with our brains rather than our hearts so, with a good explanation, the ISTJs can understand our decisions. I think ISTJ would have a difficult time trying to deal with someone who leads with their intuition and their heart.
o.o well, technically I'm a Ne dom, which makes me ENFP, just that i'm not social (I speculate that its due to Ne-Fi and how I can't turn off my "people radar") so INFP seems a better fit...sort of ^^; they are more idealistic and mellow then I.

The one reason I can see me non compatible with thinking aux & dominants is that they seem asleep to their own internal and the external emotional landscape, while I can't sever myself from either (thou I wish I could). I do this whole subconscious pooling of various data sources which then gives me intuitive insight into whats going on with single individuals, groups of people, society etc. Its like I instinctively understand the emotional situation despite me not being emotional & not really requiring more then most ppl.

>.> anyway this can get tiresome after a while, as in other people's feelings will start bothering me especially if those are negative such as stress, anger etc.. and I'll need to retreat from them.

Most TJs I have met seem to have a blind spot when it come to their own and other people's emotional states, so they end up in self denial & screw up when interacting with others. Its painful to watch & be around, sort of like nails scratching on a blackboard. I know this one woman who is depressed >.> but she is type A, so she manifests this through being condescending, through stress, anger & criticism. She has these breakouts & fails to understand others around her, which then backfires and she regrets the consequences. Since she can't accept her internal emotional landscape due to some odd disconnect she is trapped in this vicious cycle of pain-denial-failing to interact-rejection-ain denial-failing to interact-rejection. This has a tremendous impact on her life :/ and I can barely stand to be in her general vicinity due to what her internal problem puts me through :p...its like watching a train crash over and over...

A lot depends on the individual however, no 2 ISTJs are alike, but I just don't see myself as compatible. I'm unaware if ISTJs enjoy my fickle, improvisational follow no rules & fly by the seat of my pants approach to life :p...and no I don't need a hug, I prefer peace ^^ and to just do photography or to mess around with technical stuff.

<.< there may be one other factor, but that mostly applies to ETJs. o_O I'm sort of a 6 and don't handle self imposed authority very well :p meaning I kind of can't comply and will attempt to screw them over for fun >.>....bossy ppl piss me off.
 

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o.o well, technically I'm a Ne dom, which makes me ENFP, just that i'm not social (I speculate that its due to Ne-Fi and how I can't turn off my "people radar") so INFP seems a better fit...sort of ^^; they are more idealistic and mellow then I.

The one reason I can see me non compatible with thinking aux & dominants is that they seem asleep to their own internal and the external emotional landscape, while I can't sever myself from either (thou I wish I could). I do this whole subconscious pooling of various data sources which then gives me intuitive insight into whats going on with single individuals, groups of people, society etc. Its like I instinctively understand the emotional situation despite me not being emotional & not really requiring more then most ppl.

>.> anyway this can get tiresome after a while, as in other people's feelings will start bothering me especially if those are negative such as stress, anger etc.. and I'll need to retreat from them.

Most TJs I have met seem to have a blind spot when it come to their own and other people's emotional states, so they end up in self denial & screw up when interacting with others. Its painful to watch & be around, sort of like nails scratching on a blackboard. I know this one woman who is depressed >.> but she is type A, so she manifests this through being condescending, through stress, anger & criticism. She has these breakouts & fails to understand others around her, which then backfires and she regrets the consequences. Since she can't accept her internal emotional landscape due to some odd disconnect she is trapped in this vicious cycle of pain-denial-failing to interact-rejection-ain denial-failing to interact-rejection. This has a tremendous impact on her life :/ and I can barely stand to be in her general vicinity due to what her internal problem puts me through :p...its like watching a train crash over and over...

A lot depends on the individual however, no 2 ISTJs are alike, but I just don't see myself as compatible. I'm unaware if ISTJs enjoy my fickle, improvisational follow no rules & fly by the seat of my pants approach to life :p...and no I don't need a hug, I prefer peace ^^ and to just do photography or to mess around with technical stuff.

<.< there may be one other factor, but that mostly applies to ETJs. o_O I'm sort of a 6 and don't handle self imposed authority very well :p meaning I kind of can't comply and will attempt to screw them over for fun >.>....bossy ppl piss me off.
ISTJs are not particularly bossy, they are more slightly followers and really want control when they are interested in something. They do take out stress by being overly critical and negative though. They also see things in other people that are not there, mainly because they have such high ideals for themselves, they assume everyone else has the same ideals for them. For example, if my husband has something go wrong on a work project that is only about 5% his fault and 95% the fault of others or just something that couldn't be controlled, he assumes that his boss thinks he is a terrible employee because he should have caught the mistake. He will be torn up about it all day and night and then when he addresses this issue with his boss, it is no big deal. No one is an ISTJ's worst enemy than themselves. The funny thing is ISTJs have really, almost impossible, ideals for themselves but are far less hard on those around them. I think that might be the difference between the ESTJs and ISTJs.

The negativity is something that we actually had to work on as a couple. I am optimistic and very little bothers me and his negatively would affect not just me but the household. He realized that it was affecting the kids and now when the negativity comes, he is aware and tries to keep it from getting out of hand. I honestly cannot imagine what it would be like to look around and see all that is wrong. All I see when I look around is possibilities.
 

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@FreeBeer Every time I see your name, it reminds me of a line from The Commitments, "There's a band around called Free Beer. They always pull a big crowd."
 

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If you're attracted to more like-minded types, then probably ISFJs or even ESTJs are your best bet

Or, if you're drawn to the "opposites attract" game, then go for ESFPs, ENFPs, or INFPs
 

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So I saw a thread that said this:



And what followed was a lot of people saying they had similar, negative experiences with ISTJs in relationships. I'm pretty good at failing relationships, but maybe it's because I was trying to make something worth with the wrong personality type? Any info on this topic would be greatly appreciated.
I thought the thread title was going to finish with 'books'
 

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“Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling.” ~C.G. Jung

Personally, I think this quote is applicable to any of the four MBTI dichotomies.
 
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