Personality Cafe banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 63 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
83 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have a feeling this is gonna be a novel... I've posted previously on some misunderstandings my boyfriend and I have, that were doing better as of late, but something new and unexpected has cropped up and is dampening my trust in him. Before I had complete faith and trust in him and this discovery came about and I will admit, I was livid.

My boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and he was applying for a job online and I was just goofing around trying to keep myself entertained. I just picked up his phone for a second and I noticed the screen on it was a touchscreen when I thought his phone was just a regular phone and I had never even looked at his phone before, so this is not a case of me being a snooper. I just was clicking and the first thing conveniently located was messages and I thought to myself oh it's just going to be my messages lalalala... and BAM right underneath my heading was the name of his ex. They were from before we met, but they were locked. We've been dating for 7 months so I was like WTF?! I put it down thinking "Oh it's probably just innocent cutesy texting from when they were together." Yet then it was eating me up, I just had to know what they said so when he went to use the bathroom... I took a quick glimpse; they were dirty, raunchy, nasty messages which included a picture message of her breasts and who knows what else! I was shocked. I wasn't even angry at first. Then I went home, woke up, thought it over and I was PISSED. 7 Months and these messages were still there!?! :angry:

I know a bit about there history; she was always around many guys while dating my bf. Then she got a scholarship to go to a university in North Carolina and they broke up because they thought they couldn't survive long distance. They only dated for 4 months. During the months after, she slept around, I presume they had a friends with benefits relationship, and she slept with a good friend of his. She also contracted chlamydia and told my bf it'd be best to get himself tested. Yet these messages from a month before we had our first date were overtly sexual. I do not believe they talk at all as they are not friends on facebook and he seems very angry with her, but the fact that they were there messes with me.

So I decided it'd be best to confront him because I just couldn't hold it in. I called him on my break at work and I said remember when we were on the couch and I was like "Oh hey, I didn't know your phone was a touchscreen..." and he was like "yeah" then I said "Well... I did some clicking and incidentally I saw some saved messages from a girl. I got a glimpse of them and didn't see everything but what I did see I didn't like" he played dumb and was like "What do you mean?" and I said "I think you know what I'm talking about." He did, of course. I was crying and I asked why they were still there, he said he didn't know, just never got around to unlocking them. I said in 7 months you couldn't unlock them?! I asked if she was more attractive to him than me and if he still loved her, he said no. I asked if he had anything else to confess, had he talked to any other girls like this, or cheated... he said no. I believe him on that and then my anger got the best of me and for the first time I yelled at him. I said I didn't feel like I knew him anymore and that this was totally unlike him. For awhile I could not get him to say a word. He is strange about confrontation. He doesn't grovel and beg for forgiveness... he's just silent. Not like I expected him to, though, I don't think that's necessary. He admitted he looked at them maybe once 3 or 4 months ago. It made me sick because hmmm... you wonder why, right!?! So I said you know this is a pretty good reason to break up with you... and he said I know. I asked him if he had anything to say and he said I don't know what to say, I can't justify what I did. When I was angry and yelled he told me I was "wildly angry" and then I said "You don't think I should be upset with you?" and he said "Yes, you have every right to be." So I asked him what he was going to do and he said delete them as soon as we get off the phone. I'm sure he did but the fact that as he's been texting me all this time, a nasty girl's sexual texts and photos are sitting right under mine and it sickens me. Just turns my stomach. I know it wasn't cheating but it weirds me out he kept them that long and that he even looked at them. I don't know what to do but my trust in him is definitely wavering as I see he is capable of being secretive like that. How can our relationship recover? Every time I think about him now there is anger and now I'm not so sure of his innocence. What ruins my trust is the fact that he is not wise enough to realize that he should have deleted them out of respect to me! I wonder if he really wants her back and if he still loves her? :frustrating:

Could someone please give me some piece of mind?
 
  • Like
Reactions: snail and Stephen

·
Registered
Joined
·
83 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I think you two lovebirds are done.

There are roughly 3,5 billion others males in the world, happy hunting.
Why exactly do you say that? Do you think it's me or him?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,145 Posts
Ok, not an ISTP here, and sorry to be harsh, but:

first of - DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, snoop around your boyfriend's private things. In addition to text messages this includes emails, voice messages, mails, etc. It is a violation of privacy, and TRUST, and is totally unacceptable. Your boyfriend trusted you enough to leave his phone around you while he's out of sight, and after debacle I wouldn't blame him if he no longer does that.

second - please get a sense of perspective; all of this happened and ended BEFORE your relationship with him started. Yes he may or may not look at those pictures when you're not around, but he's with YOU now...not his ex. Or maybe he's just simply too lazy to delete them or simply forgot about them. At any rate, he most likely doesn't attach any emotional/deeper 'spiritual' meanings to your messages being on top of his ex's messages. In other words; I'm pretty certain it means nothing. Yes, it is that simple. Your bf didn't do that to demean you.

he is not wise enough to realize that he should have deleted them out of respect to me
Please also lose that sense of entitlement.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,778 Posts
I thought SPs also half operate on an out of sight out of mind sort of deal - which was also, probably, why the ex section was locked. He probably forgot about it and when you flipped on him he really didn't have any idea what you got stuck up your twat. Seriously, the games you girls play sometimes is part of why things don't work out for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,225 Posts
My email inbox contains mails from '06.

Just saying.

EDIT: I gave you the courtesy of reading further, and I came to the conclusion that it may be good to tell you that the world isn't revolving around you, and never will. Since, as you've stated, the messages were from before you actually started dating, it's none of your business whatsoever, period. If you choose to make a big deal of it, feel free to, but it's you that brings trouble, discontent and problems into the relationship, not him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,365 Posts
I agree with dealwithit. Without even reading it i can say without a doubt.

You are done.

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing for an istp is trust. And you have breached that trust on multiple levels. And since you do not trust him at all you are done. You will do something, some day whenever and when he finds out and its over. Unless you can get your insecurities in check.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
335 Posts
Why exactly do you say that? Do you think it's me or him?
Both. And I don't say that to be cruel. I think you are justified to be angry and hurt. I think he handled you finding out very well. The problem is how you both view it ultimately. I don't think he would have kept those texts and pics if he truly thought it was wrong.

I think he knows that it would make you mad, but outside of that if he thought there was a problem with it, he wouldn't have done it. This type of thinking in a relationship will only damage your trust more as you continue. If the only thing he finds wrong is the hurt of you knowing, he's just going to hide it from you to keep you from knowing.

If he's hanging on to stuff like this 7 months later, what are the odds he's got other stuff that would bother you? This isn't really an argument of right and wrong. It's a situation of will you really be able to trust him with your moral views so far apart? If you continue with this relationship feeling the way you do, you will be the one to suffer. Just go into it with your eyes wide open, and take care of yourself. You both sound like good people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,800 Posts
huh? When these things happen its best to talk with him, not accuse him. I bet if you had asked instead of jumping on the bandwagon of assuming, he would have had more respect for you. My phone is private for me only, my life is in my phone. I don't have anything to hide, although wouldn't appreciate it if i knew anyone, including my husband was snooping around. Nothing is done by accident. You were perfectly aware you were crossing boundaries, that is a no no. I didn't read all of your post either, but i got the jest of what you were saying, or accusing him of. I think you at least owe him an apology for crossing those boundaries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
83 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Alright here, while I get attacked by everyone who thinks I'm crazy and insecure.... I still DO NOT THINK THERE IS A REASON FOR THEM TO BE THERE. PERIOD. And also, the locking I meant as in they were SAVED. They can be opened, looked at, read, blah blah blah. The only people who had text histories were me and her, no one else. That bugs me. It would to most girls, sorry to say. Whatever I have stuck up my twat, it's still wrong. Maybe I was overreacting but LIKE I SAID; I am not a snooper and this was the first time and I would like you all to think to yourselves what the hell you would do in the same situation. Would you not want to know what the eff those messages said?! You can turn it around all you want and say it's my problem but guess what, they still should not be there. I think I'm done with this little pseudo-psychology shit accounting for all of the little differences in people because wtf, you're not him don't tell me what he's going to do as an ISTP. Forget this crap. He's lied to me before, okay? He says he goes to bed and then I'm on facebook and there he is online. There he is posting stuff. He doesn't ever tell me the whole story on anything. And what trust on multiple levels!?! Yeah I snooped, there we go. Woohoo I'm evil. I didn't mean to snoop. I didn't think anything would be there, I swear. Breached his trust on multiple levels? Snooped, yelled at him, whatever. So I'm going to snoop and yell again? I think he would breach my trust before I would EVER breach his trust again! This is the FIRST and ONLY time this has happened. So I've been so nice to him, offered to help him out since he's having difficulties, he won't say he cares, he won't express anything. I'm left wondering what's up half the time. I am so nice to him, even he says so... you can't sit there and tell me if you were to find naked pictures of an ex on your bf's computer, cell phone, even if incidentally... and tell me that would not bother you. You're all liars. The reason I did it was because he's so freaking mysterious. I don't even know if he loves me.

I told him I was sorry I yelled at him and yes, I do feel bad for looking. I know it's wrong... I feel guilty enough. It wasn't intentional at first, it was just curiosity and there was something there and it upset me, okay?! AND lately he's been asking me who I'm talking to, what I'm looking at, etc. before this which prompted me to be uncomfortable. Like he didn't trust ME.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,800 Posts
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, yes you made it very clear why you don't or can't trust him. The trust is gone, so is the relationship. Like tupac said:

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.”
― Tupac Shakur

Good luck :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,144 Posts
He gave you his answers. He doesn't love her and he hasn't been actively texting her or sneaking around. I would believe him 100%. The fact that those past messages are still there is actually a good thing in my mind, because if he was trying to sneak around behind your back that shit would be wiped clean.

He kept some trophies, that's all there is to it. He looked at a picture of her tits while you were together, most likely out of sentiment. Nothing more. And if he said he deleted them, he fucking deleted them. I understand your reaction, but his actions after realizing it upset you is what is important. Not that he kept those on his phone.

Also, maybe respect his privacy in the future? 7 months is a long time, but not long enough to be sharing every text message you received since the beginning of time.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,283 Posts
Alright here, while I get attacked by everyone who thinks I'm crazy and insecure.... I still DO NOT THINK THERE IS A REASON FOR THEM TO BE THERE. PERIOD. And also, the locking I meant as in they were SAVED. They can be opened, looked at, read, blah blah blah. The only people who had text histories were me and her, no one else. That bugs me. It would to most girls, sorry to say. Whatever I have stuck up my twat, it's still wrong. Maybe I was overreacting but LIKE I SAID; I am not a snooper and this was the first time and I would like you all to think to yourselves what the hell you would do in the same situation. Would you not want to know what the eff those messages said?! You can turn it around all you want and say it's my problem but guess what, they still should not be there. I think I'm done with this little pseudo-psychology shit accounting for all of the little differences in people because wtf, you're not him don't tell me what he's going to do as an ISTP. Forget this crap. He's lied to me before, okay? He says he goes to bed and then I'm on facebook and there he is online. There he is posting stuff. He doesn't ever tell me the whole story on anything. And what trust on multiple levels!?! Yeah I snooped, there we go. Woohoo I'm evil. I didn't mean to snoop. I didn't think anything would be there, I swear. Breached his trust on multiple levels? Snooped, yelled at him, whatever. So I'm going to snoop and yell again? I think he would breach my trust before I would EVER breach his trust again! This is the FIRST and ONLY time this has happened. So I've been so nice to him, offered to help him out since he's having difficulties, he won't say he cares, he won't express anything. I'm left wondering what's up half the time. I am so nice to him, even he says so... you can't sit there and tell me if you were to find naked pictures of an ex on your bf's computer, cell phone, even if incidentally... and tell me that would not bother you. You're all liars. The reason I did it was because he's so freaking mysterious. I don't even know if he loves me.

I told him I was sorry I yelled at him and yes, I do feel bad for looking. I know it's wrong... I feel guilty enough. It wasn't intentional at first, it was just curiosity and there was something there and it upset me, okay?!
How old are you?

You need to chill the fuck out. Considering everyone here is pretty much along the same lines, I would take a step back and reconsider your attitude.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
83 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I think someone's mad.
I want to trust him, I do, okay? I love him a lot. I'll admit, I'm not a stable person. I have depression and I struggle every day. I struggle to like myself and to be confident. Maybe it is my problem. All I want is to love him and him love me, period. I would promise to never snoop again just to keep him in my life. I would promise not to be suspicious. I want to be the girl who can be independent but I'm failing miserably. I am sad that I can't seem to find it in myself. Is there any way I can save it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
335 Posts
I told him I was sorry I yelled at him and yes, I do feel bad for looking. I know it's wrong... I feel guilty enough. It wasn't intentional at first, it was just curiosity and there was something there and it upset me, okay?! AND lately he's been asking me who I'm talking to, what I'm looking at, etc. before this which prompted me to be uncomfortable. Like he didn't trust ME.
I believe this. If you were a real snooper those pics wouldn't have lasted 7 months before you found them. The problem you have on your hands now is - you know. Read dustydrill's post. If you can see it from his/your BF's perspective then do. If you can't, there's nothing wrong with that either. Just know it might be time to move on. If his actions make it too hard to trust him you may not be with the right person for you. It sucks, but it happens.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
83 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
How old are you?

You need to chill the fuck out. Considering everyone here is pretty much along the same lines, I would take a step back and reconsider your attitude.
Alright, I know I need to, like I said, I am not a stable person and that was the mentally sick me coming out. He doesn't know that I am mentally dysfunctional. I don't even know what's wrong with me!?!
 
1 - 20 of 63 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top