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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I met an ISTP (lets call him Peter) four years ago and I knew it was love at first sight. I'm an ENFP. This is a long one but I need to get it out!

July 2014-
We dated for one month before he had to leave the country and on the last day I went to say goodbye at 4am and his ex girlfriend was in the house. I told him the only reason I had come was because he seemed really sad and I didn't want him to leave the country without someone seeing him off.

September 2014-
We kept in touch on and off and I was kissing other people, until I moved to Europe and he came down for my birthday ( he was broke)- exactly a month after the ex girlfriend situation. He told me that his ex had gotten pregnant and lived really far away and that was the only reason she was there that night and ended up staying at his. I told him to be nicer to his ex who had just gotten an abortion and guided him through the conversations with her. I told him I had kissed a friend of his whom he had introduced me to. He got quite upset, but so was I and when he told me about the girlfriend situation all I did was hug him. Anyway, he stayed a week and it was fun and intense and then he went back to his country. He brought me the cutest card, mixtape and present and we were officially in a relationship. We spoke almost everyday, it was going well- he was looking for a job and unhappy living at his parents and I was there for him through all of it.

November 2014-
Fast forward three months, I was going to visit him in his country and he sends me a text a day before saying, " The end is inevitable." What even, I didn't have a place to stay so he said I could stay at his parents with him, but he wouldn't prefer it because it was quite far from the centre of the town. I booked a cheap hostel and he ended up staying with me. We ended up walking all around town for six hours because we both had no money and he wanted to show me around. I was in town for five days and on the first day, I just had to address what he had said- I broke up with him. For the last two days I stayed with a friend, he needed to go back early because he had work ( it really upset me because I was only in town for four days) and we spent the last afternoon cuddling and saying goodbye. He got an internship he had wanted forever and told me all about it and I was happy for him and that was it.

I didn't speak to him after that and I went on a trip around Europe on my own. He texted me around Christmas asking where I was and who I was with because he thought I was with my german ex. I told him I had slept with my ex and he told me he had hooked up with some girl he met. He said he understood why I slept with my ex and that there were emotions involved. We spoke on and off for the next couple of days and then I heard nothing from him.

April 2015-
I texted him because I was missing him out of the blue and I was so used to talking to him all the time. He told me about the internship and the workload. I didn't explicitly say I missed him, he told me he did. I had just applied for a job in his country and I was taking the second round interview.We spoke sparsely and then in August I got the call back for the final interview, I spent a lot of money to book a ticket to his country and he was really helpful in my preparation for the interview. Everything was set, we were talking often, he was telling me how much he loved me. Then, two days before I went to his country, I asked him if he had slept with anyone ( as a joke). He said yes, he had slept with five girls. That was it for me, I told him I didn't want to see him and that I'd be staying with my cousin, he was intensely apologetic for the time I was on the phone with him. But when I told him I didn't want to talk to him, he didn't contact me for two days. I reached his country and sent him a snap chat during my layover. When I was at the airport at immigrations in his country, he sent me a text saying he was waiting outside. I was excited, but I didn't want to get back into the mess.

So I tried to dodge out and make sure he didn't see me, but he caught me. We spent an hour on the train not talking and I questioned him asking him what he was thinking, he said he wasn't and that it didn't mean anything. I met another friend that day and he walked away. He didn't text me, I texted him to meet the next day. Then we went out and got tipsy and kissed and talked. I thought I wouldn't get attached again, but I did. He ended up meeting my cousin the next day and I ended up staying at his, he held me close and told me he loved me, in person, for the first time. My interview went terribly and we were both sad, but he said he had gone with a friend on a double date earlier that day. We spent the next day together, I slept over, we went out and then I had to go back home. We spoke on and off

October 2015- I don't remember what happened but we stopped talking. I had friends I surrounded myself with, I sent snapchats of me with my friends and it must have affected him. Then, one day, out of the blue in November I called him and asked him what was going on. He said he missed and loved me and that he wanted to be with me and that he was sorry. We started talking again, often. During this time his internship had just ended and he had lots of time off.

December 2015- I found out he had booked a trip to my part of the world and I got very upset because he wasn't coming to my city. He told me to book a ticket to the closest city and that he'd pay for it. I did, but my visa didn't come through. I told him it was something I couldn't help and that he was so close, so he should just come to my city. After all, it was about seeing me wasn't it. I stopped texting him for a day after he said he wouldn't come and it didn't fit his schedule. I got a text at 5 am in the morning, saying he'd be in by city at 2pm the same day.

I couldn't believe it, we had the best time ever. I paid for everything while he was there and it was just such a fun weekend. At the end of the weekend I asked him if he had hooked up with anyone since October, when we kind of got back together. He said no. I asked him if he had kissed anyone,he said yes. This was just as we were leaving to drop him to the airport, my heart stopped. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and that he just couldn't help himself physically so we should try and be friends. He cried as we were leaving, saying no one else would be like me and he couldn't talk to any of his friends about me.

I dropped him off and gave him a big hug and a kiss. I was heart broken, so I went to my home country to spend time with my friends and my family. We kept talking while I was there and quite frequently after, even though his responses weren't as frequent.

Feb 2016-

I hooked up with someone and ended up telling him about it. He got very upset based on the circumstances and told me we couldn't speak anymore.

I had arranged a really special, thoughtful 25th birthday present for him which reached him later that month. He tried calling me but I was with people. He said thank you and we didn't talk very much after, I would send him the occasional drunk text.

March 2016- he was in a country where there were terrorist attacks. I think I knew through his social media, I freaked out and tried contacting him. During our conversation, he slipped up by telling me he had been to belgium in jan too and it was safe. ( I didn't know he had gone in Jan) I found out through an instagram post that he was in belgium with a girl, I knew this was a girl he had slept with when he was younger. I put two and two together and told him I had figured it out and left him to be. He did say they had only recently started dating.

We barely spoke.

July 2016- I met a wonderful, kind, lovely human being, lets name him John. He changed his holidays and schedule for our first date. I was leaving the country in a month, so we kept it casual- he told me he didn't want to be serious. One night we went out together, when I told my colleagues I was resigning. I got drunk and met a tinder match, whom I was speaking to all day. Meanwhile Jack was just trying to talk to my colleagues and drinking ( he's very introverted.) All my colleagues left but Jack stayed on and took care of me when I was drunk. In the cab ride home I started crying and asked him why he didn't like me enough to be serious with me. He stayed over and said nothing along the lines of let's get into a serious relationship. The next day I went on a date with the guy I tinder matched with and it was terrible, I had to push him off me. That night in my tipsy anger, I texted Peter and asked him why he hadn't told me about the girl he was dating. He told me they had broken up because she found a poem I had written about him and because of me. I told him about my boyfriend Jack.

August 2016-

Jack and I spontaneously planned to go on holiday right before I left the country. I would've never done this, I knew this guy for less than a month. Right before I went on holiday, Peter and I started speaking and he stalked Jack on facebook and started talking absolute shit about him. He compared himself to Jack saying he was kind and lovely too and that Jack was bad looking. I got really upset and told him to stop, in a polite way. He asked me - " If you move to my country, would you be with me?" Jack and I left on holiday the next day and I started crying telling him what had happened and how hard it was for me to give up on Peter. On that trip Jack officially asked me out, even though I was leaving the country and said we'd work it out.

September 2016-
Jack and I were still together and talking everyday, we had already said we loved each other (!!) It was my birthday and he bought me the best present ever. But I was upset that Peter had not wished me, I called him out on it. He apologised. I told him I had moved back to my home country, he said that it sucked but he might visit. We spoke casually.

November 2016- I moved to a new country and needed some advice with tenancy. I reached out to Peter, who for some reason, instead of texting me called me. I told him how good it was with Jack and we ended the conversation cordially.

December 2016-
Peter initiated conversation to say Merry Christmas. I knew something was up because he never initiates conversation. He told me his ex ( the girl he was with in Belgium and broke up with in July) wanted to speak to me. I said no and my phone battery died. When I reached home, I rethought my decision and told Peter that if it would help him be happy and get the relationship back or get closure I'd speak to her. But I didn't realise that he had already put me in a facebook conversation with her. He asked me if the pictures I had put up in september 2016 of me and him were recent. I told him no, they were from years ago. Then this GIRL HE DATED, asked me, " Is it true that you always initiate conversation and that you still like him?" I said no and told her that he was the one who would ask me questions about whether we'd be together if I moved to his country, I also put in a long paragraph about how she was beautiful and didn't deserve to be with someone who didn't care about her.

She stopped talking to him after and he told me. I told him he really needed to figure out his feelings for her.

Jan 2017-
I went to my cousin's wedding. The one he had met and texted him about it. We spoke briefly.

Feb 2017-

I realised that the girl he had dated had texted me on instagram and I sent her a long message about our history and how me and Peter would always have each others backs. I texted him at night with a snapshot of my texts to her and told him I had swung it so he could get back with her if he wanted. We spoke about how he felt and then I asked him if he still loved me, he tried calling me but I didn't pick up. He told me he thought it was strange that I'd ask that because that girl had also just called him and told him he was complicated and she couldn't speak to him. He said he didn't still love me and I told him to stop sitting in a poker room with his feelings. He said he didn't know where it left us and I said, I needed to know and if he ever came to my country again, it was either all in or nothing.

March 2017-

I found out he had come to a country close to mine and got really upset that he hadn't come to see me. His argument was that I had a boyfriend. We had a brief conversation.

I kept trying to talk to him, but he barely ever responded. I got upset and texted him because he was going on holiday with a new girl and he said he didn't have a girlfriend. No responses.

August 2017-

I met Peter's friend who was becoming a borderline addict. I had a long conversation with his friend and his friend also brought up Peter and how he had broken his other ex's heart ( the girl he got pregnant but his friend didn't know about the pregnancy, only the heartbreak.) I only defended Peter the whole time and his friend told me, " How can you be so naive, what do you think he did on his holidays" and told me about the girls he had slept with. While I knew Peter had done these things, it made me feel so ashamed that people outside our relationship knew. After the conversation, I went back home and tried calling Peter many times. I texted him a lot about the fact that he had told everyone and also with concern that he may also be going through problems with substance abuse and didn't have anyone to talk to about it. He sent me a one line reply after my four calls to him and many paragraphs of text messages.

I didn't speak to him after that.

Late September 2017- I was back in my home country and out drinking and all my friends were asking about Peter. I drunk texted him if he ever thought about me, he replied saying yes sometimes he did. I never replied.

Late October- I texted him telling him that I had texted him in sept because my friends had asked about him and I couldn't tell them he was a disrespectful asshole. I said some rude things to him and called him a chauvinist. He called me a pig and I made a joke about it. After which he said," Girls got jokes" and I said," Because you sure left me feeling like one."

He didn't reply and we stopped texting. About a week later I saw that he was in one of my favourite countries so I sent him a snap saying," When you wish hell upon someone and they end up in heaven."

He didn't reply.

Early November 2017- ( Now)

He replied to my earlier text and told me he would be in the same city as me later that week. He said, "I know you'll say what can I do with this information" and I said, "Exactly". He said, " Talk to you later :)", I said," It's been two years, so maybe not." I freaked out and blocked him.

Last Wednesday.

I knew he was in town so I made plans to be out and about while he was. To keep myself occupied. I didn't text him, but he texted me with a picture of me on tinder saying, " Hey, don't you have a bf" ( I thought if you delete the tinder app, your profile gets taken down.) I sent him a random picture of a small plantain. He asked me how my search for plantains was going and I told him the plantain was for him. He told me he thought the little banana was my bf and that he was lost. I didn't reply.


I was at a gallery event. I texted him asking why he was still texting me. He said that he hadn't. I called him out on the day before- he said he thought it was funny that I was on tinder and if I meant for him to see it ( so full of himself) and that he still didn't know what I meant by the plantain joke. I didn't reply but ended up sending him my location- he asked if it was my home location. I just said, "Free drankz" in my tipsy fervour. He said he'd be close by. I told him I was leaving and he never showed up or texted me. I texted him telling him I was under the impression he wanted to meet because he had texted me. He asked me what address I had given him, I told him it was a gallery and then he said he was under the impression it was my home address. I told him I didn't know why he'd think I gave him my home address and that he should have fun. He sent me the hands up celebration emoji ( ew.) I stopped texting.


I went out with my friends and got terribly drunk because I was upset he was in town and hadn't met me. because Why would he tell me he's in town then? The purpose was to avoid him but a flaming shot later too much later, I didn't know what I was doing and I texted him asking him where he was. He said he was at another club and that he had a table so didn't want to leave his friends and that he could meet me outside. I asked my friends to come with me, but in the time they stopped for a smoke break I ran to see him. I don't remember much after except that we hugged and then I took him outside to a quite place to talk and I started by asking him why he had made me literally break up with his ex, I remember him saying lets go back in and me physically not letting him. I'm 100% sure we didn't hook up but I don't remember what I said to him. I remember him saying he had been upset about me dating Jack and I remember saying that sex with Jack was incredible. I got up the next morning, in bed next to him, with his hand wrapped around me. I woke up and said, "F***." He said, " Why did you say that and come back here." I reaffirmed that nothing had happened but he kept cuddling me. He held me and said that we were here now and that he forgot how huggable I was. I freaked out and asked him if he ever loved me. He said yes. I said I wanted to be there for him and that it was so rare to fall in love at first sight. He said what we had was beautiful. I asked him questions about what he had done, and he said I asked him all that last night and that I needed to stop living in past and what we had was beautiful but I needed to move on. I lay next to him and started crying and he wiped my tears and I said it was really hard to say goodbye. I got up and moved to the next room to lay in bed alone and he came with me and lay down next to me. I told him to get out of my house, and just as he was outside, I told him to come back in and that i just wanted to hold him. I asked him if he loved the girl he had been dating for a year+ and he said no, I called him a fuckboy and a terrible human being. I didn't want him to go and I know I'm dating Jack but I am Peter's person and a part of me will always want to end up with him. I don't remember what happened because I was still quite drunk but I made him get out of the house and slammed the door in his face.

I called him after and told him a piece of my heart would still be the person I was in 2014 when I met him and want to love and protect him and if a piece of his heart would be the same. He said, tbh I don't think so. I hung up on him.

After I sobered down I sent him a text saying I was sorry for attacking him and that I thought I needed to check his actions because I was his person and that it's always hard to move on romantically but I was glad he did and that his feelings were in the open. I told him to stay happy and nonchalant as ever and sent him hugs. He replied saying, " Thank you for the heartfelt message. Keep in mind what I said. It might be hard but it's best to be open- I guess we've both moved on in some sense. Have a good eve." I replied, out of reflex, saying " I don't remember much but I remember you said it was hard for you to deal with me being with Jack and kudos to you for being able to do that."

He didn't reply.

Now I'm in a difficult position, I thought that me and him would always end up together, no matter what. While I love Jack truly and deeply, there doesn't seem to be the same feeling as there was with Peter. I didn't want him to walk away and I want a piece of him to always be mine. I analysed the situation and I'm not sure if he was consoling me when he was hugging me or that he really cared alot and just didn't want to have to say it. I don't know if I should ask him if he's transiting back via my city. I don't know what to do, I feel like I don't want us to move on and I want us to end up together.

962 Posts
Wooooo honey sounds like you are in quite a mess!

That was a really long post (longest I've ever seen on here hahaha), and it's hard to process all of that information, but I'll try to do my best. I want you to understand that I'm going to have some honest criticisms, but I'm trying to help you, not to hurt or judge you.

First of all, you have got to stop getting drunk and doing things you regret later—alcohol can help people take the edge off in little bits, but getting drunk doesn't solve problems. Not saying that you personally are doing this, but many people get drunk to try to escape their problems and distract themselves—I believe that is a huge mistake, as it solves nothing.

If you want anyone to take you seriously, you have to be sober. The more you get drunk and do stupid/regrettable things, the less people are going to take you seriously.

Secondly, you need to make a choice. Honestly, Peter sounds like a bit of a jerk, and imho, you deserve better. Sometimes we picture ourselves with someone, but it's not meant to be. It hurts to move on, but it has to be done. When a bee stinger gets lodged inside your skin, it hurts to pull it out, but it needs to be done.

If you love Jack, then go with him. But if you do choose him, you need to give him 100% of your heart—anything short of that is unfair to him. If Jack is just a nice guy who ultimately serves to distract you/help you rebound from Peter, then let him go.

Either way, I say ditch Peter. He sounds like he has some jealously issues, which is not something you want a significant other to have (it isn't healthy, and it's rather immature). You may need to take a break from relationships altogether for a while, and do an "emotional detox" to figure out what it is that you truly want and what is best for you.

It's not healthy to talk to an ex while you're in another relationship. You're just gonna make things harder on yourself.

Also, Peter even told you you should move on—so move on. Stop living in the past, and face the present. If you're always looking behind you, you'll never see what's right in front of you.

I hope this helps. Best of luck to you!

11 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thanks a ton for that, yea I was in quite a mess after Peter left and it's just so emotionally overwhelming!
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