[Targus28]

SO i was talking with my ISTP girlfriend last night who ive been with for ayears, i kinda know what shes like.Last night we had a conversation around the shop about when we split up months ago.I blamed alot of it on myself, my behavour and issues etc and other people agree.She turned round and told me she thinks a little was her fault, because she is very fickle.She told me one day she can be sure of somthing, and the next not be.I tried to get her to explain more to me about this, but she told me even she doesnt get it.She also told me she would crap herself getting married, not that she wouldent but she would be very scared about it.

Im posting her to hopfully get more insight on this, so i can understand her a bit more and see if this is a normal ISTP thing

Any advice would be great guys, thanks

 

[reletative]

commitment is difficult, because when we commit, that's it. we dont change our minds. that's why we go into every decision we make so carefully and it can be scary to make a decision when we know how unreliable emotions can be.

it's like "ok i'm going to commit to stay with you even though i know my emotions will go up and down and try to trick me and some days i won't feel it and some days i will and i'm going to have to fight through every time the emotions (that i have so much trouble trusting as it is) start to mess with my head"

We're aware of that constantly. we are problem solvers and so we always forecast potential problems before we choose a path. its hard to choose an imperfect path, and in relationships it's always going to be imperfect.

 

[DustyDrill]

commitment is difficult, because when we commit, that's it. we dont change our minds. that's why we go into every decision we make so carefully and it can be scary to make a decision when we know how unreliable emotions can be.

it's like "ok i'm going to commit to stay with you even though i know my emotions will go up and down and try to trick me and some days i won't feel it and some days i will and i'm going to have to fight through every time the emotions (that i have so much trouble trusting as it is) start to mess with my head"

We're aware of that constantly. we are problem solvers and so we always forecast potential problems before we choose a path. its hard to choose an imperfect path, and in relationships it's always going to be imperfect.

I have nothing to add to this. Every day for 8 years I've experienced different levels of this "love" for my woman. I also realize that it's completely possible for this "love" thing to disappear. To pair "forever" with "love" is like investing in a sand castle. There has to be something more to it before a logical person sees marriage as the right choice.

 

[Targus28]

Is this like you guys are thinking 'Do i love this person'? All the time, or do you know you love them but different levels like you said.I also feel its hard to trust somone whos feelings go up and down like that, like maybe one day there feeling a low love for there partener and might cheat?

 

[chrisu]

some days i KNOW i love my partner, some days i FEEL i love him. i don't question the relationship or the existance of my feelings just because i don't feel it for a day or week.

but i keep my word and therefore don't promise if i can't be sure to keep it. and no one is able to promise neverending love. i hope to still love my partner in 20 or 40 years, but i can't know for sure. i can try my best not to give up, to work on problems, to be loyal and stand back, to put effort in keeping our relationship healthy ... a committed relationship is exactly that promise for me. i don't flippantly make promises that possibly concern the rest of my life.

 

[redhotchips]

hey targus,

you can go to my profile and look at the thread I started, we are same types and situation, i'm male INFP and had a relationship with a female ISTP.

everyone here gives good advice and insight. i know my thread isn't exactly your situation, but maybe you can dig through it and see what parts apply. also, if you have any insight from your own experience with the female ISTP, you can add your own comment on it.

if you ask specific questions in bulleted points, it makes it clearer how the ISTPs can answer you.

 

[DustyDrill]

Is this like you guys are thinking 'Do i love this person'? All the time, or do you know you love them but different levels like you said.I also feel its hard to trust somone whos feelings go up and down like that, like maybe one day there feeling a low love for there partener and might cheat?

I know I love her, always. It just goes up and down in terms of affection. I'd never cheat. Logically, cheating doesn't make sense. There's too much shit that goes along with it. It's much easier to simply break up if you don't care about the person enough to be faithful.

 

[BlueG]

Is this like you guys are thinking 'Do i love this person'? All the time

Once I love someone, I never think about that question again. Once it's established, it's established.

 

[Duck_of_Death]

SO i was talking with my ISTP girlfriend last night who ive been with for ayears, i kinda know what shes like.Last night we had a conversation around the shop about when we split up months ago.I blamed alot of it on myself, my behavour and issues etc and other people agree.She turned round and told me she thinks a little was her fault, because she is very fickle.She told me one day she can be sure of somthing, and the next not be.I tried to get her to explain more to me about this, but she told me even she doesnt get it.She also told me she would crap herself getting married, not that she wouldent but she would be very scared about it.

Im posting her to hopfully get more insight on this, so i can understand her a bit more and see if this is a normal ISTP thing

Any advice would be great guys, thanks

She is more than likely cheating on you.

*sips coffee*

 

[Targus28]

She is more than likely cheating on you.

*sips coffee*

Why do you think this?

 

[Duck_of_Death]

Oh, that was the hangover talking.
Don't mind me--commence.

 

[U-80]

ISTPs only have two modes of operation: interested, and not interested. Anything in-between means something fishy is going on.

Not necessarily cheating, but something isn't right.

 

[BlueG]

Why do you think this?

Why do you not think that?

 

[Targus28]

Oh, that was the hangover talking.
Don't mind me--commence.

Go on, you must of been thinking somthing?

 

[Duck_of_Death]

Okay. Who broke it off before?
You or her?

 

[Targus28]

I can be very neurotic, its calmed down since ive been taking tablets for anxiety, but shes told me she doesnt fancy me when im acting 'weird and neurotic', but shes likes me when im calm and acting normal.For example, about 14 months ago i once when very neurotic over her not wanting sex one night, being me i thought this was because she didnt fancy me anymore.So i made a massive deal out of it, and from then on she had big problem with sex because she felt like she couldent say no, or else, i would turn neurotic.That has since gone away and is fine now, since ive calmed down on these tablets my neurotic bahavour is more in control.So i would say, my behavour in the past, has made her dout if things will work, because she couldent stand this 'pycho' side of me.I dont know

 

[Duck_of_Death]

I don't know, man. Don't really care, either.
Wouldn't worry about it, if I were you.

*leaves*

 

[Targus28]

Okay. Who broke it off before?
You or her?

Me, after her taking me out for a meal, buying me **** and offering to lend me 50 pound, i was acting quite crazy in the car before hand, kinda slagging off my room mate for having no life goals, which she got annoy at saying, atleast he pays you rent and works more hour how can you speak about him like that'After me ranting on and on about it,and a past fight being brough up, she wanted to go home before the meal, i told her it will be fine and we had the meal, i was quite rude we didnt talk during the meal and she was still annoyed, on the way home she asked if i could drop her at home tonight, because she wanted to spend tonight at home.She asked for a lift in my car, i told her to get the bus, this annoyed her more.I took wanting to go home as shes not interested in me anymore, shes gonna break up with me.When she left i text her, saying its over and dont contact me ever again, she didnt take it serious at first, so i kept telling her.I never heard of her or tried to speak to her for 4 days, untill i started missing her and met her outside work 4 days after.She told me she had enough, she didnt wanna be with me anymore and didnt love me, in an angry way, and that how we broke up.6 weeks later, she seen me in town, come upto me saying how she keeps thinking of me and does care for me, and since we have been seeing eachother again.

 

[Targus28]

ISTPs only have two modes of operation: interested, and not interested. Anything in-between means something fishy is going on.

Not necessarily cheating, but something isn't right.

She IS interested when im acting normal, and everything is going well.When i act all crazy, shes told me she doesnt know or like that side, and she carnt stand it.She feels trapped in this 'weird world' and thinks its gonna happen again and again

 

[Duck_of_Death]

You're on your own.
I mean it.

Too much reading.
*leaves for good*