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Discussion Starter #1
Wow! Hope I can get some insight, because I have been married for 3 years to my ISTP husband and he has been stressed for the last 3 years due to the economy-less income and work conflicts, declining health in parents, health problems himself due to stress-sinus infection - where everyday with him has been ups and downs of depression. I have been supportive, loving, kind, patient, and kept holding onto this month when he was finished paying half his income to his ex spouse to be excited about our life going forward - a house rather than an apt. within our means, a vacation for 3-5 days to celebrate and have some down time with him (things we talked about - but he never made concrete plans). I couldn't pin him down for plans or goals and if I did vacation wise - (we never do anything-he can't make himself take time for himself to recharge) - they would get canceled for one reason or another - a few of them legit. It's like he never really had any intentions of moving forward. I was patient, patient, patient, and I finally spoke my mind - well I guess wrong thing to do. I guess I sent him over the edge or something because we rarely have words - and I left for a few hours I am so hurt - I know he has alot going on - but there is nothing left for me -ever. I went to the movies to just get away for a few hours, I come back - he has the car packed and says he is going to leave - I ask him leave leave or leave to work things out? I have had ISTJ relationships before - and basically I just can't do that control thing again - last time I got out of an ISTJ relationship I was a wreck. I can be as loving as I want to be - and my spouse has so many problems - anyway...so he left - I am trying to let him be gone as long as needed to as he says "calm himself down". It's been 2 days and he told me it would be at least a couple more days. I am full of anxiety, he says he loves me, but I secretly think he may be contemplating leaving me because I spoke my mind-but I am human too - and after I had a few hours - I was ready to try again. It's all focused on him - there is no place for me. Do you think he really is just needing time and will be back? He is staying about 10 minutes away at his parents house - which is fine if he wants to have the love and attention (or non attention) of being able to work through this, but I am a tradtional person who believes after a day we are a team and should be working on things together. I have told him we can put my needs aside for now, but I wish he would come home. He still wanted some days. I feel like he doesn't care and I feel abandoned. He is not a very good communicator and stonewalls - if he would just be concrete so I could have hope for the future when it comes to "our" future. We have not been able to move forward for 5 years for our life-and I thought now that the ex was paid off - we could, that was what I was lead to believe. I have told him for his health he needs to get away with me - to do things that appeal to his introverted style. He would never go. What am I doing wrong? I don't want to be a nobody in this marriage - I want us to be there for each other. My extrovertedness is sooo sad. Sorry this is so long. I wanted to try and give some kind of picture to my concern and question. Do you think he is contemplating divorce or just trying to "calm down" as he says. I am trying to take care of me and have a life - but I just don't know where he is coming from....and if he is like this - it's going to be a hard marriage to make it. Also, he drinks 2-3 (1.5 oz each) Jack Danials a day after work - he doesn't seem drunk at all - but wondering what that is doing for him. He likes to come home have his drinks, have dinner, watch TV and go to bed, get up at 6 AM (he is a prinicpal for an architecture company) and start again. thx u.
 

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Is your husband an ISTJ or an ISTP? You should post in our forums. You'll get more responses there.
 

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Well, I would say that you need to try and persuade him to come to counselling with you. It will be the last thing he wants to do, but you need to be heard, and you have a right to be. So if he does come back with flowers etc then don't breathe a sigh of relief, drag him to counselling.

Not really much to go on but this sounds like a watershed time for you both. You have been waiting for your life with him to begin properly, but maybe that isn't where he has been heading, in his mind. He may not have been aware that you have been suppressing unhappiness and holding out for this, and be utterly surprised that you have come out with this now.

The drinking...yes, it will have an adverse effect. Alcohol causes a lot of low-level depression and anxiety even if the drinker is not a traditional heavily dependent boozer (I have the T shirt....now I know if I want my mood to stay on an even keel I avoid wine at all costs and keep overall consumption really low). I would say though that tackling him over that one now will be another attack to him. It probably isn't the primary issue.

Good luck, anyway. Feelers in relationships with strong thinkers have a tough time of it....or so my husband tells me.....
 

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For what it's worth, I know that when in a relationship, if I asked for some time alone to calm down, I REALLY wanted some time alone. After a few days, my emotions would calm down, and I would be able to look at the situation rationally again.
I don't want to generalize too much, but our emotions aren't as easily accessible as yours, they take time to process.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you for asking, He is an ISTJ, sorry - I hit the wrong letter in my original letter. That was my first post-and now I see I need to make some paragraphs for others to be able to read it without eyes bugging out. Also, learning how to use this site. Not sure how to get to the forum-need to take time to read over the "how to" of this site. Getting some responses - and much appreciated!
 

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It seems like he's overwhelmed with his life right now and he's trying to cope with it by withdrawing from your relationship. Seeing as how he's an introvert it's probably just a natural response to want to be away from everything when under a lot of stress so he probably doesn't think the relationship is over.

In any event, alfreda is right. The two of you need counseling when things improve a bit because drinking every night and running away from problems isn't a good way to confront relationship issues. Also, next time use some paragraphs. It'll make things easier to read and you'll probably get more responses that way.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
@ alfreda-thank you for your helpful response. Your thoughts really helped. I haven't been a forum sort of person before - and it's so nice to hear from others whom understand or have been with certain personality types and can relate. I actually meant to say my husband is an ISTJ, not an ISTP (maybe a subconcious thought put down on paper). I am an ENFP. So to answer your response to me:

I went to counseling for me today for the first time. And after our session-she gave me alittle bit of advice and then she asked me if I was ADD...lol...she was about 10-15 years younger than me and I am wondering if she is ISTJ. =) I told her no I am not ADD, but I am still anxious and upset after months and months of trying to be cheery, thinking and expending time and energy for everyone else that has "needs" one being my ISTJ husband to no avail-trying to get a few of my needs met (let's go on a small vacation ot get our endorphins going and have some intimacy for just the two of us - for a break). I tend to unless I really think things through before sharing longer type discussions to want to give details before the bottomline. I have a hard time getting to the point-I hate it but I am just that way and I work on it. I realize this and that was not the problem above. It's not hard to state in a few sentences why we need a vacation, let's get a budget so we can buy a house (something we talked about until it came time to do it, and on and on on other subjects he doesn't want to talk about - if we don't talk about it, then he can control it. I need to find an Extroverted counselor. She is not a good fit for me. So I will do that.

ISTJ hubby did come home yesterday evening after 4 days. Not once did he say don't worry-I am just having some downtime. I asked him why he didn't have downtime with me-since I was the one supporting him day in and day out regarding him coming home from work depressed and still is everyday - as an architect he has several projects and has been at the same company for 30 years-but there was a shake up-his resp. downgraded and along with some other good things-incoming new projects to keep him employed-right now he is worried about being fired beause he is doing a project and doesn't get along with the client who is running the project up over thousands and thousands of dollars and blaming my ISTJ hubby. The client is an Extrovert, and not sure of the rest, but the client makes so many Change Requests, and holds long meetings that it keeps racking up. My husbands team is on my husbands side, but it's coming to a head. So, I do understand his stress, and that he needs the time off. I think I may just make plans and surprise him next time that we are going for the weekend or fly somewhere (finances or being watched closely as he is afriad of being laid off for 3 years now). I was working and making a decent salary, he stuck in savings alot of it, always talked about a vacation-but he never would. So does it matter if I work or not? My ENFP is not like ISTJ. I need to do some spontaneous, fun things to reenergize and stay my happy self. It helps me to bring more to the relationship. I tell him, it doesn't matter up until.....

He did bring me flowers yesterday. I told him they were really pretty and thanked him, and tried to be my jovial self-staying up - but it was hard. Oh, also news about vacation. We can go on vacation now - his choice of place (which at this point I will take it) and he can find the time off for about 4-1/2 days to recharge before he has to answer to the client from above (and I think he will come out fine) because that client will be gone at the same time we will on his vacation. I appreciate this-and am going to just give it all a rest - but my thoughts are this: the vacation is on his terms, now that he is back (said he was sorry-but I need counseling now because I don't trust him to leave like that without reassuring me he is not "leaving leaving") and for the most part things are pretty much on his terms. I told him we need to talk about things-so I can have hope etc. that I have no idea what to expect unless we do and I am stuck not moving forward and I am feeling down because of that).

Haven't had the house talk yet, but I bet it will be a couple years - which concerns me as house prices and rates will probably go up in my mind. I realize you have to afford a house to buy one, and we can afford a moderate home. I am thinking he is concerned about his job and being able to make payments because they will be about 2-3 times what his old house payment was - which I understand the worry - but why tell me we are going to do these things and then when we get there it's not happening at all?

I am sure I will do my usual and follow along being the private and he is the general - it's not a surprise. I swear though, this is my LAST marriage with or without my spouse. And I hope it does work out. What has happened is I am now depressed and my happy self is not.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
@MNiS - Yes, I agree, he is overwhelmed and he is trying to cope and you were spot on....I try to put myself in his ISTJ perspective, but after months of trying in a non agressive more happy excited kind of way and there is nothing after we had talked of doing this up to the point where we could start actually buying a house...and not paying attention to my pleas of going on a vacation to have some intimacy-I had just had it-never threatened divorce or leaving him-but said exactly what I thought and what he was doing in a more aggressive loud sort of way. =)

After years, months etc. I would think when he saw this kind of reaction in me and it was building up to this over the last few months it was all I could take-then to take it out on me by leaving whether he needs some time to calm himself down is fine-just do it in a healthier way. He is back and he says he loves me, I can see he is trying-but still, I know he is more of a general and he essentially wants to make all the decisions when and where and if....when he is his "normal" self. I tend to want to do a team player thing with intimacy and joy in the planning of things...he wants to decide on a vacation, and he gives me options, but it takes him forever to decide tonight to a degree, and I am kind and open, but inside I am so burned out and tired from the constant trying to get him to go, etc. that I very nicely told him you decide and I will love it, and next time maybe I can try and surprise him on a long weekend away not far from here--will see how that goes over. And I agree about the drinking-it bothers me-it runs in my family, my parents for one. I like to have a drink with dinner or once in great while, and that's it.

Too tired tonight-no caffience today, and I am sure other things. I ended up having to go to the docter because the second day he had left and didn't really know if he was coming back-he was kind, but still. I had myself so worked up-tried not to-to just take care of myself-but I started having digestive problems which was diagnosed as either a start of an ulcer or a hiatal hernia type of thing goin on-since he is back - it's pretty much gone away, but I am taking the Prilosec prescription anyway. Again thank you for responding.
 

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You poor thing.

He is being very controlling though, isn't he? You don't sound very free.

Do try to stand up more for what you want. And for sure ditch a counsellor who starts off by asking you if you have a problem.
 

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I think he is an enneagram 3.
 

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This makes me sad. You need to tell him everything even if he doesn't want to hear. He has the right to have some "me-time" but you also have the right to have some real reassurance, to cope. You are only human, flowers don't cut it. He needs to sort out his priorities.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Hi Crabby Paws - Thank you for being supportive. We did finally get to go on a vacation-to Sedona, AZ - if you have never gone before, I highly recommend it..we had a wonderful time-just the two of us and my husband was great. After our falling out, he went forward and planned it for us - it took that level to get him to actually do it, but once he did we had a great time.

I have been reading more about the ISTJ that he is, and the ENFP that I am to better understand (I am in my mid fifties and we have been married for 3 years. Second marriage - and the first one was 29 years and he was also an ISTJ. Didn't know I married the same type, but now understand many do that without knowing....

ISTJs are more compulsive and paranoid to a degree (lists, workaholics, only have fun if they have everything in order (or so they think it is-which could be never if they are stressed-and that is when they should vacation), etc. - On the other spectrum as an ENFP, I am more histronic from what I read - which if in check is fine, but both sides need to balace...so since I don't want to get married over and over - I never thought I would ever divorce-who does, right - really trying to recognize how to work around ISTJ for his needs and still get mine met. He saw how much it didn't kill him to go on vacation and he really needed to recharge some himself.

Will see how it goes....try Sedona if you haven't and want to get away!
 
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