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ISTP-ISTJ Relationship Experience?

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#1 ·
Have any of you ISTPs had any experience in a relationship with an ISTJ? I have been in a relationship ISTP for a few months now and so far things have been great, no complaints. However, I was surprised to hear that the two types have opposing cognitive functions because I would expect that to be cause for a lot of problems within the relationship. I know that ISTJs and ISTPs tend to be most compatible with the ENF types, so I never hear anything about the ISTJ-ISTP dynamic. I have tried many searches on the compatibility for this relationship type but have found nothing on the topic. If anyone has had experience in this arena I would be interested to hear your perspective on how the relationship turned out and if there was a lot of conflict or if the communication was successful. Thanks.
 
#2 ·
As goes my relationship with every ISTJ I've ever talked to (friends as well as romantic opponents), my experience with ISTJ's is that they think I'm totally relaxed and easy to live with, while I have to avoid discussing topics that the ISTJ would strongly defend. I find ISTJ's to be very loyal to a certain thing, idea, group or whatever, and if I say anything bad about those beliefs they flare up and explode with rage in my face.

So, it can be a fun dynamic, so long as the ISTJ somehow realizes that the ISTP is just trying to give their perspective on an issue and not talking trash about it. And the ISTP needs to understand how much those ideals mean to the ISTJ. I believe any relationship can work so long as both partners somehow come to terms with their differences in a mature manner. But sometimes the ideals can be so conflicting that it might not be worth the effort. I have plenty of ISTJ friends. My ISTP room mate dated an ISTJ for a couple years until he got sick of having to compromise on her beliefs and she started visiting ex boyfriends and stuff and he got mad and told her he didn't appreciate it and then she didn't stop and then bam no more relationship. But that sorta thing happens with everyone I guess, maybe there wasn't enough trust.
 
#3 ·
Thank you for your response. My ISTP and I have a lot of the same beliefs so disagreement isn't really an issue. I don't think I would blow up with rage in his face, however, if he challenged one of my beliefs. I am sure I would listen to what he had to say because I trust and respect his opinions. I am not sure if the rage is an ISTJ trait or just your experience.

So it looks like ISTJs like you for being laid back, and you like them as long as you don't question their beliefs? Hmm.
 
#4 ·
Does having an ISTJ sister count as experience in this department?
 
#6 ·
I've recently started studying Chinese closely alongside an ISTJ, and so far we've been getting on great! Occasionaly it gets annoying when I get told 'why not do it this well established and therefore BETTER way' and I think BACK OUTTA MY SPACE. But then, that sounds a lot like me sometimes...

All in all I find (in a friendship) that they're confident, interesting, logical, commited to a cause, loyal, and secretly quite caring. But yeah, I just wouldn't touch on one of those 'causes' they hold to so dogmatically.

Would it also be fair to say that they could use some help in the 'having fun' department of life, sometimes? :laughing:
 
#7 ·
I am strongly convinced that my husband is an ISTJ and I am a ISTP.

To me we are opposites and that's makes us work I think. I know that's a cheesy way to put it, but it really is the truth. He's very "buttoned up". Has to be on time, everything has to neat as a pin, he plans into the future and most always sticks to it. He's very good with money, although he can be a bit tight at times. On the other hand, he can let his hair down and can be very funny.We have the same sense of humor.

Everything he is, I am the exact opposite. The good thing is that he speeds me up, I slow him down. We used to fuss and fight in the beginning of our relationship. We both defended our point of view so much that we would make each other miserable. Finally we've just agreed to disagree on some topics and we really don't get into it if it can be avoided.

He's the good cop, I'm the bad cop...but his wrath is definitely a heck of a lot worse than mine. He has a very sharp tongue but it takes a while for him to really lay into someone. This is usually the reason why I handle the sticky situations because I have no qualms at all with telling it like it is. He doesn't want anyone to think ill of him, and could I care less really. In social situations, he is much better at small talk than I am. I can't stand it, and I would rather watch paint dry than to chit chat. He does plenty for both of us.

Oh! Oh man, we he is engrossed in something...look out. He doesn't wanna hear nothing, I mean nothing else besides what he believes is right. I stopped trying to change his mind long ago. It can be anything from bread to politics. Everything is the best simply because he likes it. It gets annoying but I'm used to it.
 
#8 ·
Thank you ClarifiedMind, this sounds a lot like the relationship I have with my ISTP. We are very much opposites as well. He definitely helps me to relax more and have more fun (which I need) while I help him make decisions and get things going.

I will admit that I get stressed out over stupid little things all the time and he is very good at calming me down, although I think he thinks it is funny that I get so worked up over the things that I do. I also worry about coming across as the bad guy to other people and he'll usually say something along the lines of 'bull shit' and tell is like it is, as you do (which I am secretly very thankful for because I hate having to do things like that). I usually take care of the social interactions while he takes a back seat and I don't mind it at all.

I don't see myself as dogmatic as a lot of you have described ISTJs, but maybe I will have to reevaluate myself. I would hate to be seen as stubborn and stuck in my beliefs. This looks to be the main reoccurring issue between the types. If anything I would think he is the stubborn one because of his Ti, but I am still learning functions and that could just be me.
 
#9 ·
I wouldn't say "dogmatic". That doesn't seem to be the right word to me. In my experience with my sister, she sets very high standards for herself. And she makes the mistake in believing that everyone should live up to them, when she herself cannot live up to them. We're only human after all. I am constantly telling her to relax and to find time for herself, because she is a workaholic.

There are some other issues with her, but I think that's just a maturity issue. She is older than me by several years, but there's always room for growth, whatever age you are.
 
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#10 ·
I as well have noticed that many SJs tend to make high standards for others when they themselves can't live up to them (I believe my dad is some sort of SFJ; he expects me to be impossibly 'perfect' :angry:). I can see it being a characteristic of the SJ groups. I surely have high standards for myself that are probably too high and I think I have learned from experience not to expect people to reach my standards (or, rather, not to set standards for them to reach). I only get let down that way and have learned not to expect certain behavior from others. It makes life a lot easier :proud:.

But, I will try to be mindful and aware of this behavior. I think that SJs do this without realizing it sometimes. I can see how it could create problems within a relationship.
 
#14 ·
That is one thing that I like about being with an ISTP; we are very much alike in the sense that we are both introverts, sensors, and thinkers. I think the J and P give enough of a balance for the two to compliment each other nicely with regards to the cognitive functions and without having to be opposite types. I know that an ENFP is theoretically the most compatible for an ISTJ, but I have always gotten along best with those similar to myself, rather than opposite. It really must depend on the preferences of the individuals.
 
#15 ·
I am currently in a relationship with what I believe is an ISTJ woman. She is very practical and level-headed. She compliments me well. I had always thought the opposing cognitive functions were meant to compliment the other because each can spot the weaknesses in the other and help to foster that growth. It's the best match I've ever had with a partner.
 
#16 ·
This is quite interesting. I'm actually in a relationship with an ISTJ right now, for about 3 mths. Although quite short, it seriously feels a lot longer than the actual time spent together. We get along extremely well, have multitudes of things in common and similar interests, and I don't think we ever really argue (except a couple small things). I think she's really caring and she takes mental notes of the things I like and don't like, puts thoughts into gifts, etc. She's also very mature and stands to her beliefs, which I like, and willing to do outdoor things with me.

But some things I noticed are that she isn't very adventurous, in fact, she has a very traditional mindset which I'm not so used to.. since I'm someone that is very spontaneous and likes to try new things, a bit of a risktaker, I suppose...a daredevil, if you will. She's not into stepping out of the box and sticks to what's most familiar.
Another thing is that she's a very tidy person (a bit anal?) and I... well, I guess I'm not so tidy,perhaps. :proud: heh.
She follows all the rules of the system while I follow my own beliefs as long as they seem to make sense.
She's also a hothead sometimes (especially on the road) while I'm the "easygoing" and laidback and patient one...hmm

Still I also haven't heard so much about ISTP/ISTJ relationships and would like to know more about people's dealings and experiences with them. So far it seems to go alright.. but personally I think things would be better if she was more willing to do more adventurous/active things with me at least. For me, that is just one of the main issues. It's nice when people step out from the norm.:tongue:
 
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#17 ·
@chinesefries, as far as my experiences with ISTJs go, they're not the jealous types so I'm guessing she would let you do the adventure stuff with someone wilder than her. They like to be conforming but they won't take it personally if you're not. :)
 
#18 ·
That is true, I don't tend to take many things personally.... It's not my natural tendency to try new and adventurous activities, however, I do enjoy tagging along with my ISTP when he is feeling spontaneous (most of the time, at least).

@cheesefries- As for my experience with an ISTP so far things have been really good. We both enjoy debating each other (in a both serious and joking manner) and don't take it personally. We find humor in making fun of the other and making fun of ourselves. Since both of us are Introverts and Thinkers we had to dig slow and deep for the emotional connection but that is somewhat of a good thing in my opinion. He slows me down and I speed him up for a happy medium and we can enjoy sitting in a comfortable silence. Thing only thing that has ever bothered my is when he shuts down and won't talk through things if we have an argument or unresolved issue. Thanks to MBTI I have better understanding for why this is.
 
#20 ·
#21 ·
My dad is ISTJ. The only thing that wears on me is that he's sort of an encyclopedia and likes to unload all of his knowledge on any given topic. I would say that he *cares* a great deal more than I do.. about almost everything.

I wonder if this pairing depends a great deal on how severe the P/J spread is.. My dad used to go to the moon if someone left a dirty fork in the sink, so it must depend on the individuals.
 
#22 ·
I don't know if the P/J terms are cause for OCD-like behavior, although I can see how it would be correlated. I consider myself pretty laid back in those areas and I know an ESFP and an ESTP who are both a lot more OCD than me with having a clean kitchen and staying away from germs.
 
#27 ·
an istj-istp relationship could work (any relationship could) but really would you want to be in a relationship for the rest of your life with someone who can't teach you anything? wouldn't that get kinda boring after a while?
 
#30 ·
I think it could work... with the P/J thing there just has to be a meeting of the minds.

I'm an ISTP and my husband is an ESTJ. I am extremely "P" and he's extremely "J". I think I do most of the compromising because I'm a little less rigid about things and I really don't mind cleaning up, being on time and minding the budget as long as he doesn't start policing me. In the beginning of our relationship we were both pretty damned stubborn about who was going to be doing the changing. The only thing I wanted was my space and the only thing he wanted was order. Thankfully we figured out how to come together and use our differences to our benefit. It took a while for him to trust that I was going to get the job done (he likes to check up all the time and I used to find it annoying...now I know just to give him a deadline and he lets me be until that time is up). We are in the process of buying a house and he deals with the day to day "upkeep" of that process. All that emailing, and telephoning, and following up...I just can't do it. I know once we are in the house I will be in charge of the improvement of it because he just doesn't get that stuff and really doesn't enjoy it. I do the research on what needs to be done and he does the management of it. He doesn't care for troubleshooting and problem solving too much. He knows that when it's time for me to jump in, I jump in with both feet. And for me, he benefits me because he likes to manage. So he deals with the money and all the stuff I don't like to do...it's not like I can't, he's just better at it and we both understand that.

Basically things stay in the balance. It's only when we get too extreme in our P's and J's do things get murky.
 
#34 ·
I guess that ENFJs also have opposing functions to an ISTJ so I can see that while an ENFP would have opposing functions to an ISTP. So, I think it is more about functions rather than the letter dichotomies. But, for me, my ISTP is a good match. I find it interesting that so many people say that an ENFJ would be the best match for an ISTJ. I had never heard that until I came here.
 
#38 ·
^ I also think that an ISTP's realism would seem like pessimism to an ENFP. But, with my Ti, I often do "hone in" on what's wrong with a situation before I see what's right or good with it.

I see myself as a realist as well. My ENFP friend often jokes that I crush her dreams. :crazy:
 
#39 ·
ha ha that's uncanny. i've said to mr.istp that he shits all over mine. but i've realised since that he's actually helping my dreams out by helping me to ground them in reality and make them more achieveable. remind her of that the next time you foil one of her ridiculous plans.

i remember before we were going out i was planning a housewarming party in my new place and wanted it to be fancy dress. he was like " a fancy dress party? in your house? are you mad? that's the most retarded thing i've ever heard of" i had forgotten to take into account the type of people i was inviting and how useless they all are with giving a shit about anything and of course no one dressed up only me. so i did end up looking like a retard. he was right i was wrong. althouigh in saying that a few years later i bumped into him at a house party where everyone had gotten dressed up in 20's style clothes, me and mr. istp were the only two who didn't. we pretended to be timetravellers from the year 2007. so maybe it wasn't such a hairbrained plan afterall,people do actually have fancy dress parties in their houses or though in saying that the people at the 20's style dress up party were a bunch of muppets so on second thoughts maybe it was a retarded plan.
 
#40 ·
The ISTP pessimism/optimism is a pretty difficult thing to figure out. I think it's because we're not the explosive-feelings type of people. I am a very very bright and happy person but I'll never get superenthusiastic about anything - just because you never know when something will get messed up or won't work. If I would really jump around happily for something that is supposed to happen and that would fail, other people would (have to) feel sorry for me and that would humiliate me (pride problem :D). Others do see it as a pessimistic feature but it really is just cold realism.
 
#44 ·
ISTP - ISTJ Relationship issues

My hubby is an ISTJ. I am an ISTP
Main differences between us:

When money is tight, I think of ways to make more money and he thinks of ways to spend less money.

When I clean a room, it looks like a magazine photo. When hubby cleans, he puts stuff into stacks and then cleans around them. However, his bathroom scrubbing skills are venerated.

He does not realize that if he stacks a box on top of a pile of clothes, the whole thing is going to fall over. It gets him every time! I can stack a truckload of oddball shaped items into a perfect square with no dead space between items (thank you Tetris)

When drivers on the road do stupid things, I imagine several reasons why they might behave that way, usually thinking of what would cause me to drive that way from time to time. Hubby, on the other hand, can't resist yelling out "you idiot" or maybe "MORON!" to anyone who even dares to make a turn in a "slightly too cautious" manor.

I might say "I was thinking maybe I would go to the gym today," He hears "I am definitely going to the gym today." And then when something else comes up and I don't go to the gym (which is more likely than not) he strongly feels that I have deceived him.

He likes to "police me" which never fails to turn me into a sarcastic turd. I can't even function if anyone is looking over my shoulder.

I am the Queen of starting projects but run out of interest before it is complete. He is very hesitant to begin a project, but is the king of stepping up and finishing it off for me.

I can multitask, but he can't even talk and drive.

I want to fix/improve issues in our relationship and he will avoid a conflict generally by blame shifting, denial, trivializing it, or changing the subject to all the ways I have irritated him. Eventually, if I can remain calm through all these tactics, gently dismantling them one by one, he will eventually calm down and understand the point I am making. Then, he is very willing to do what needs to be done to solve the problem.
 
#45 ·
I am an ISTP, my girlfriend is ISTJ. It's been 6 months together, here are some thoughts:

Each of us owns his apartment in different cities (30 mins apart). I live in a house in a gated neighborhood, away from the city in a calm place with open view to the sea. She lives in the city centre, last floor of an historic building. The city noise in her apartment drives me crazy and the constant commuting in the city emotionally tires me up. She thinks I live too far from the city and hates the fact we need to ride the car to go buy morning pastries or do activities. Her place is immaculate and looks like the cover of a home decoration magazine - I love how the place looks though and I feel right at home. My place is currently under restoration/remodelling and I'm living there and doing the restoring at the same time. As far as I rework each room individually, she is ok with it. Even though sometimes I have entire walls repainted or mosaics replaced to show off, what she remarks the most is stuff in the kitchen that needs cleaning or towels that "stink" and need washing. At the beginning it was hard hearing that some painting in the wall I love "is horrible and must go to the trash can" but now I learned to fully trust her for decoration and I'm really enjoying how my living room (which we picked together) is turning out to be.

We love spending time with each other, it feels so natural, we don't get tired of spending time with each other. There are many things we enjoy doing together and we value that. There is many stuff she dislikes, these are not subject to discussion or "improvement". Criticising any of those subjects immediately leads to her boiling on the inside, so I avoid that at all cost unless really needed. She tends to abuse the word "I hate XXX" a little bit, I am actively trying that she uses "I love XX" more often as I think it's less pessimistic and leads to a more enjoyable conversation. She tends to be a bit on the stressed side so that can help too.

I love the fact she is very emotionally stable, unlike me which is prone to sudden and unreasonable mood changes (borderline traits). In times of stress she totally loses direction but I'm able to calm her down, give her support and stability. She doesn't express much of her feelings, but when she does it's very meaningful and touching. Communication is what I value the most between us, I like it's blunt and straight to the point. Our conversation just flows naturally with no major effort.

I really enjoy she actively looks (months) ahead for planning the weekends, we plan great things in advance. At the beginning it was hard for her to understand the concept of arriving to Saturday and NOT having anything planned. She now understands a bit more the need to leaving things to spontaneity and chance and we too found ourselves enjoying great moments we (she) didn't plan for.

I realize I may have written the most about what it's different or difficult between us. In reality, there is so much between us that feels natural that I don't even realize and take for granted.

I love this girl.
 
#46 ·
Cool description. I don't know whether any the people around me are ISTJs, but I always imagine the type in a negative light - too rigid and boring. And I've occasionally wondered if an ISTP-ISTJ paring can work romantically.

You focus on the tension points between you two indeed, but do share the good, please. I'm really curious.
 
#47 ·
My sis is ISTJ, she is my opposite.
I'm more a quiet slacker, she is uptight hard worker.

What I hate about ISTJ they love to label somebody when they doesn't live up to their standard,
but when they don't live on their standard, ISTJ can't believe they screw up and often try to find others mistake.

You are not some corporate machine, you're a human. If you want 100% success rate, get a machine.

I hate her but I love her too... :D
 
#48 ·
sweet thread Necro.

married to an istj 14 years. horrible idea. Not a good match. perfectly nice guy, someone I still like as a human being but in terms of goals and personal energy, we were never in sync. Not a fan of the type overall, seem too boring by far for me I guess I’ve leveled up.
 
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