Hi, I'm a newbie here, decided to ask fellow ISTPs if they have similar issues. I moved to the United States 5 years ago, all of my family and a lot of my friends are in Russia. I feel that its very difficult for me to keep in touch, especially on the phone. Its like out of sight, out of mind... My mum, who is an INFJ, gets really hurt when I don't call at least once a week, but I just don't have a need for it! Does anyone have sthe same problem? How do you guys keep in touch with your long distance close people?
ISTPs and long distance relationships.
[ISTP]
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There's only one person I keep in touch with long distance, and she's my closest friend. We talk almost every morning on the phone - we're both wedding photographers, and we're both divorced and dating, so we tend to have a lot to discuss, and we've known one another for many years - there's always a story.
I talk to my mother maybe once every three to six months.
My sister, perhaps every other month, if that. And it's a struggle for me to keep up that frequency - she and I are so dissimilar that conversation is stilted and uncomfortable.
Everyone else, I've basically let go. It isn't so much "out of sight out of mind" for me, though. I just don't have the energy to invest in weekly or monthly check-in phone calls, particularly with people who require more frequent contact. You know, there really isn't anything to SAY to most people on a weekly basis. Even when I have news from my life, there's really only one or two people I care to tell the story to. I fucking hate repeating myself.
Because I'm erratic with my correspondence, some long distance friends have become angry/disillusioned with me over the years and I've gotten a lot of backlash. I just don't like to feel indebted to anyone - If I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk. But some people, especially those that live far away, feel like you have to *invest* in friendship with regularly scheduled communication. Makes no sense to me - I'll like you just as much three years from now as I like you today, whether we talk once or thirty six times between now and then. But I guess I'm really only speaking for myself.
The good news is, it never bothers me when people dump me as a friend. One less person to feel obligated to!
I talk to my mother maybe once every three to six months.
My sister, perhaps every other month, if that. And it's a struggle for me to keep up that frequency - she and I are so dissimilar that conversation is stilted and uncomfortable.
Everyone else, I've basically let go. It isn't so much "out of sight out of mind" for me, though. I just don't have the energy to invest in weekly or monthly check-in phone calls, particularly with people who require more frequent contact. You know, there really isn't anything to SAY to most people on a weekly basis. Even when I have news from my life, there's really only one or two people I care to tell the story to. I fucking hate repeating myself.
Because I'm erratic with my correspondence, some long distance friends have become angry/disillusioned with me over the years and I've gotten a lot of backlash. I just don't like to feel indebted to anyone - If I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk. But some people, especially those that live far away, feel like you have to *invest* in friendship with regularly scheduled communication. Makes no sense to me - I'll like you just as much three years from now as I like you today, whether we talk once or thirty six times between now and then. But I guess I'm really only speaking for myself.
The good news is, it never bothers me when people dump me as a friend. One less person to feel obligated to!
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None of my long term relationships have worked out, they have all been friends so I guess I'm not sure how family or a romantic relationship would work out.
Same problem here - family in Poland, me in UK.
I'm talking with my mother once in a month maybe, and I guess, she finally get used to that. But it was quite hard at the beginning. She still ringing me more often, but I just don't answer. Because "I'm at work, mum". Maybe not very ethical, but saves problems.
Sister - well. If we speak once in a three months, it's often.
And there are my friends, we keep in touch online. They know me well enough to understand, that I sometimes have to cut myself off from a people, and it's nothing personal. It's just the way I am. "Sorry girls, I'm in antisocial mode right now, c u in a month time" or something.
I'm talking with my mother once in a month maybe, and I guess, she finally get used to that. But it was quite hard at the beginning. She still ringing me more often, but I just don't answer. Because "I'm at work, mum". Maybe not very ethical, but saves problems.
Sister - well. If we speak once in a three months, it's often.
And there are my friends, we keep in touch online. They know me well enough to understand, that I sometimes have to cut myself off from a people, and it's nothing personal. It's just the way I am. "Sorry girls, I'm in antisocial mode right now, c u in a month time" or something.
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Pretty much identical to what Chia said.
Long-distance (romantic) relationships, I work harder at. But, I'm a very visual, physical person. I'm never going to be as into it as if the person were standing right in front of me. In my opinion, LDRs are hardly worth it. Lot of pain, no gain if it doesn't work out, and it probably won't.
Long-distance (family) relationships, non-existent unless they initiate contact. If something happens that I need to know about, I'm sure someone will clue me in. Most stuff isn't worth knowing. As long as they're breathing, I'm not sure I care what they're up to. Plus, I see most of them every year, or every few years. We'll have a good time together and catch up then.
Long-distance (friend) relationships, just non-existent. If I know I'm never going to see them, there's really no incentive for me. I have some of those people on Facebook, only because I'd care if something bad happened to them.
I'm always in the moment. Take PerC, for example. I like some people here, I really do. I like interacting with them. But, there's a chance I could just leave one day, no goodbye, nothing. That's just how I am. I don't mean to be callous about it.
I think I lost my best friend because... I don't even know how to explain it. I suppose I just wasn't sociable enough for her. We'd been friends for 12 years. I'd been there for her in all sorts of ways. Last year, I was going through a really, really difficult time. I didn't leave the house, I didn't have any communication with anyone. I had been in a car accident, hurt my back, was in constant pain, couldn't walk or stand for any significant time, forced to quit my job... After a couple months, she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I reminded her what I was going through and she said she didn't care about my "pity party".
She was a worthless bitch, but the point is, some people require more attention than others. Fawn over me, tell me how great I am, listen to me talk about my boyfriend for the billionth time. All the time! Fuck that.
Yup.
Long-distance (romantic) relationships, I work harder at. But, I'm a very visual, physical person. I'm never going to be as into it as if the person were standing right in front of me. In my opinion, LDRs are hardly worth it. Lot of pain, no gain if it doesn't work out, and it probably won't.
Long-distance (family) relationships, non-existent unless they initiate contact. If something happens that I need to know about, I'm sure someone will clue me in. Most stuff isn't worth knowing. As long as they're breathing, I'm not sure I care what they're up to. Plus, I see most of them every year, or every few years. We'll have a good time together and catch up then.
Long-distance (friend) relationships, just non-existent. If I know I'm never going to see them, there's really no incentive for me. I have some of those people on Facebook, only because I'd care if something bad happened to them.
I'm always in the moment. Take PerC, for example. I like some people here, I really do. I like interacting with them. But, there's a chance I could just leave one day, no goodbye, nothing. That's just how I am. I don't mean to be callous about it.
I think I lost my best friend because... I don't even know how to explain it. I suppose I just wasn't sociable enough for her. We'd been friends for 12 years. I'd been there for her in all sorts of ways. Last year, I was going through a really, really difficult time. I didn't leave the house, I didn't have any communication with anyone. I had been in a car accident, hurt my back, was in constant pain, couldn't walk or stand for any significant time, forced to quit my job... After a couple months, she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I reminded her what I was going through and she said she didn't care about my "pity party".
She was a worthless bitch, but the point is, some people require more attention than others. Fawn over me, tell me how great I am, listen to me talk about my boyfriend for the billionth time. All the time! Fuck that.
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I also agree with Chia and October.
I'm getting to know "long lost" siblings over the internet and it's challenging for me. Hell, my mom lives 20 minutes away and I only talk to her once every two weeks or so. For that fact, I don't even always have something to say to my wife when she's in the same room. But, when I'm on the road we keep in contact by texting and IM'ing when I'm in a hotel with a good enough connection and we're up and available at the same time. The lack of physical contact does suck but, we have a strong friendship and I always take something small of hers with me.
Reminded of October's injury story. I injured my right rotater cuff while putting a fence back up after a big storm, just a few hours before band rehearsal several years ago. I got fired for being unable to even play drums for almost two weeks. Only, they did it behind my back and I only found out after a friend told me somebody else's drums were setup in place of mine. I called to see what was up, got told that I was faking, and then went to pick my gear up. When the "band leader" saw that I actually was in a lot of pain he offered to help and I said "no, dude, I'm apparently fine, I don't need your fucking help". I didn't talk to him for almost a year afterward.
I'm getting to know "long lost" siblings over the internet and it's challenging for me. Hell, my mom lives 20 minutes away and I only talk to her once every two weeks or so. For that fact, I don't even always have something to say to my wife when she's in the same room. But, when I'm on the road we keep in contact by texting and IM'ing when I'm in a hotel with a good enough connection and we're up and available at the same time. The lack of physical contact does suck but, we have a strong friendship and I always take something small of hers with me.
Reminded of October's injury story. I injured my right rotater cuff while putting a fence back up after a big storm, just a few hours before band rehearsal several years ago. I got fired for being unable to even play drums for almost two weeks. Only, they did it behind my back and I only found out after a friend told me somebody else's drums were setup in place of mine. I called to see what was up, got told that I was faking, and then went to pick my gear up. When the "band leader" saw that I actually was in a lot of pain he offered to help and I said "no, dude, I'm apparently fine, I don't need your fucking help". I didn't talk to him for almost a year afterward.
that happened when i joined the army and moved away. my mom would call me every day once i got my own room and a phone. i just never called her back. i just kept touch if i were to visit or holidays. i know it hurt her, but what am i to do? that's one thing that bothers me most in my life is how i treat family. so i know where you're coming from. i think people just get used to it. just tell her that even though you don't call, that you occasionally think about them and love them very much. but you have no need to talk to know that you love them. i dont know, it's tricky, im not sure ive figured it out yet either.
Pretty much exactly what everyone said. In the last 20 years I started 5 schools, without ever knowing a single other person there, I was in a loooot of camps and activities. I never keep any contacts. I just don't feel like it. Like once I was in an international summer camp, make one really good acquainance, she visited my country about half a year later and came to my town and an hour before our meeting I canceled it because I didn't feel like hanging out. And this is too frequent for me and I hate it.
There is only one person I still keep contact although we're around 1300 km apart. She's such a good friend that I was afraid the same as always will happen and I warned her that I tend to lose contact. She's an INFP so she took it quite bad
But I have the motivation to really try to write at least a mail per week.
There is only one person I still keep contact although we're around 1300 km apart. She's such a good friend that I was afraid the same as always will happen and I warned her that I tend to lose contact. She's an INFP so she took it quite bad
But I have the motivation to really try to write at least a mail per week.
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Yeah I live only 10 minutes from my mum but she is usually the one who calls me once a week. Usually it takes me about two to three weeks of no contact before I call her. I prefer being in person with someone so I don't know what would would happen if I were to move across the country or overseas.
Same here.
Long distance relationships are fine. When I was younger I had at least a couple of sexual/romantic relationships on at pretty much any given time. Then I moved abroad and everything became long distance. First I travelled a lot to my family and friends, but it kind of died away when I got tired of that it was always me doing the chore. During my university years I saw my family four times a year: Christmas, Easter, summer and maybe a random one in between. They were the only times I had enough days off to bother to travel so far (15+ hours).
After all those years I've grown quite distant to pretty much everyone I once had. My parents have started to call quite frequently, but I seldomly see anyone. Heck, it took a year to schedule a lunch with my comprehensive school friend that lives close by and now it's been 8-9 months time that I've been trying to schedule a short cup of coffee with a junior high friend who lives 2 hours away.. And these people are at least those I change a couple of IMs every now and then.
In short: I have no problem with long distances, several years of that does seem to affect the other people.
Long distance relationships are fine. When I was younger I had at least a couple of sexual/romantic relationships on at pretty much any given time. Then I moved abroad and everything became long distance. First I travelled a lot to my family and friends, but it kind of died away when I got tired of that it was always me doing the chore. During my university years I saw my family four times a year: Christmas, Easter, summer and maybe a random one in between. They were the only times I had enough days off to bother to travel so far (15+ hours).
After all those years I've grown quite distant to pretty much everyone I once had. My parents have started to call quite frequently, but I seldomly see anyone. Heck, it took a year to schedule a lunch with my comprehensive school friend that lives close by and now it's been 8-9 months time that I've been trying to schedule a short cup of coffee with a junior high friend who lives 2 hours away.. And these people are at least those I change a couple of IMs every now and then.
In short: I have no problem with long distances, several years of that does seem to affect the other people.
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