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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My boyfriend is ISTP and I severely broke his trust. He's a bit stoic and it's hard for me to understand him, so I was hoping some of you could help me have some ideas of how to do this in a way that he will recognize it. I feel so bad that it's hard to admit this, but I guess I need to for you to know how to help me out.

Basically, what happened was some drama with my ex-boyfriend. About a year ago, me and my ISTP boyfriend's relationship wasn't in a good place (it's a long distance relationship, by the way). And I got to know a guy pretty well who actually gave me the attention I needed, so I broke it off and ended up with this new guy for a bit. It didn't work out, and I went back to my ISTP guy and asked for forgiveness, etc. He was smitten over me and I cared about him, so we got back together. However I lied to myself, and thus, to him that I didn't have any more feelings for the guy. I shut him out of my life completely.

And then, I went back to school, and he was there still. I was freaked out every time I saw him or his car, and my friend suggested I talk to him to clear the air. So I did. And here's the bad part. He asked me if I was single and I said yes. It was kind of a knee-jerk thing. I remembered how much he hated my boyfriend, and he got pissed off about anything related to him. My lie was originally intended to protect myself from being hated. And then I found out my ex wanted me. So I have had to keep piling up lies as to why I won't be with him.

I told my boyfriend about all this and he wants me to tell him the truth. But at this point, I just can't. I know how to completely avoid him so I promised my boyfriend that I would not talk to or see this guy ever again. But even if I do this, I still violated his trust. Is there anything I can do to make it at least somewhat better?
 

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Is there anything I can do to make it at least somewhat better?
Nope.

You tried to have your cake and eat it too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeah I did. The thing about this, though, is I didn't do anything with the guy. It was just the lie that escalated into many excuses. And my boyfriend doesn't see it as an option to break it off with me, even though I've told him he deserves better than this shittiness. So he wants to be with me. I guess that means he wants to trust me eventually. And I'd like to earn that back. I know you might think I shouldn't be able to, but seeing as he wants me still, there must be some way. Cuz why would you be with someone you know you could never trust?
 

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Yeah I did. The thing about this, though, is I didn't do anything with the guy. It was just the lie that escalated into many excuses. And my boyfriend doesn't see it as an option to break it off with me, even though I've told him he deserves better than this shittiness. So he wants to be with me. I guess that means he wants to trust me eventually. And I'd like to earn that back. I know you might think I shouldn't be able to, but seeing as he wants me still, there must be some way. Cuz why would you be with someone you know you could never trust?
Well if he still wants you he still wants you.

Personally I'd feel cheated and never want to see a girl again if she did that, but he obviously doesn't mind what is starting to look like a script from an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful

So what exactly do you want help with? It seems as though you're in the clear.
 

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If I were in a long distance relationship with you and you were wishy washy about it, I'd be through with you quickly. I might maintain some communications with you, but that would be the end of the relationship. We ISTPs usually like our dignity and the people that will respect it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Well if he still wants you he still wants you.

Personally I'd feel cheated and never want to see a girl again if she did that, but he obviously doesn't mind what is starting to look like a script from an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful

So what exactly do you want help with? It seems as though you're in the clear.
I'd like to know what kind of gestures would go a long way for him. It's hard for me to see what means most to him, so I thought maybe you of the ISTP type might have a better understanding of what does.
 

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I'd like to know what kind of gestures would go a long way for him. It's hard for me to see what means most to him, so I thought maybe you of the ISTP type might have a better understanding of what does.
AEIOU and I both said we'd have nothing to do with you if we were in the position of your boyfriend... I'm surprised this ISTP still wants things to continue.

As far as I know there'd be no gesture that would make it all better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
AEIOU and I both said we'd have nothing to do with you if we were in the position of your boyfriend... I'm surprised this ISTP still wants things to continue.

As far as I know there'd be no gesture that would make it all better.
I am too. I have to say, I royally f***** up, and I don't know of anything that would make it better either. I suggested he find someone better than me, but he won't have it. I guess it's because he loves me really deeply despite this.

But thanks. I appreciate your two cents, Capsicum. You too, AEIOU.
 

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I'm thirding with Capsicum and AEIOU.

There's nothing you can do to "improve" the situation. For me, it would have been the end. The fact that he still wants you is enough. You don't need to do anything... other than not lie.

The fact that you instinctively lied to your ex, makes me think you do not deserve this ISTP one bit. And since you did leave your bf before, it sounds almost like he's there for your relationship needs, but not enough. Maybe time to consider moving on?

(this post was not to offend... just putting it out there straight)
 

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Ok. I have a few directions I want to go into here.

Seems to me you are being very honest with the ISTP. You broke it off to pursue another guy and told the ISTP.

This is on the up and up in my book. You can't help how you feel and you have every right to change your mind and pursue another option. You handled it responsibly provided you did not cheat on him. If I were that ISTP I'd respect it even if I didn't like it. In my mind I'm thinking, "This fucking sucks but at least she's straight up about it. No harm. No foul."

Here's where the problem lies:

So you get back with the ISTP. Bump into the other guy and lie when he asked if you were single but you haven't had any physical relationship with the other guy. Then you told the ISTP you did this? Ok.....

1) If it was a knee-jerk reaction and this guy is not something you want to pursue again then hey, mistakes happen, you regret doing it. Just stop disclosing anything more about it to your ISTP. It's a non-issue so don't make it one.

2) If you still have feelings for the other guy then figure out what you want and stick with it.. Draw a firm line in the sand with this other guy and if the subject gets brought up tell him you now have a boyfriend. Or break up with the ISTP once and for all and pursue the other guy.

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There's another part to your post that I get a strange feeling about and I'd like to know:

Why doesn't the other guy like this ISTP?

I can't help but get the feeling there's something on the ISTP side that's not right. What has the ISTP said about all this? Is he angry? Hurt? Nonchalant?
 

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Best shot, if there's any chance at all anymore, talk to your ISTP mate and talk it out, as honest as possible. Things should sort themselves out from there out on, may it be to the better or worse.
 

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I'm with VroomVroom.
The gesture your looking for is to say what you want and stick to it. At the end of the day I think that is all ISTPs want - for you to be upfront. If you want out, go; if you want in, say so and act accordingly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks guys. And kernel panic, I'm not offended whatsoever. I know ISTP's are straight up about things, so I was expecting there might be some things that are hard to hear.
Ok. I have a few directions I want to go into here.

Seems to me you are being very honest with the ISTP. You broke it off to pursue another guy and told the ISTP.

This is on the up and up in my book. You can't help how you feel and you have every right to change your mind and pursue another option. You handled it responsibly provided you did not cheat on him. If I were that ISTP I'd respect it even if I didn't like it. In my mind I'm thinking, "This fucking sucks but at least she's straight up about it. No harm. No foul."

Here's where the problem lies:

So you get back with the ISTP. Bump into the other guy and lie when he asked if you were single but you haven't had any physical relationship with the other guy. Then you told the ISTP you did this? Ok.....

1) If it was a knee-jerk reaction and this guy is not something you want to pursue again then hey, mistakes happen, you regret doing it. Just stop disclosing anything more about it to your ISTP. It's a non-issue so don't make it one.

2) If you still have feelings for the other guy then figure out what you want and stick with it.. Draw a firm line in the sand with this other guy and if the subject gets brought up tell him you now have a boyfriend. Or break up with the ISTP once and for all and pursue the other guy.

-------

There's another part to your post that I get a strange feeling about and I'd like to know:

Why doesn't the other guy like this ISTP?

I can't help but get the feeling there's something on the ISTP side that's not right. What has the ISTP said about all this? Is he angry? Hurt? Nonchalant?
I'm mostly relating to #1. He hates when I bring up the same issue again and again, which I do because I feel it isn't resolved. So I just need to resolve this with him once and for all, and move on.

I don't feel strongly at all for the other guy. I really just enjoyed talking with him. It's hard to connect on a deep level with my boyfriend, but I can with this other guy. It's not enough for me to want him as anything more than a friend, because of issues I had with him in the past. I'd give even that up in a heartbeat for my boyfriend, because when all's said and done, he's the one I love and care most about.

The other guy didn't like my boyfriend because he was jealous. The only thing negative I said about my boyfriend to him is "He's a really good guy, but it isn't really working." Which isn't enough on its own to make someone hate another person. He was an emotional guy, which is why I could connect well with him, but he was just kind of explosive when it came to negative emotions.

As for my ISTP, he's completely and utterly hurt by all this. I can't stand that, but I don't know what I can do to make him feel better. I gave him my word I wouldn't talk to this guy anymore (I know how to completely avoid running into him, so that helps), but I would like to do more.

I'm not sure what doesn't sit right to you about my boyfriend, but I can assure you he is one of the nicest, best guys I've met. The only issue we ever have is that I am a talker and it is hard for me to connect well with him in that way. But that has been getting better since I learned about his type. I have been trying to talk more directly with him and it helps him understand me and helps me get more out of him. This was the issue when we broke up the first time. I couldn't tell he loved me because our communication was so bad. But like I said, that's getting much better.

So yes, my line is I want my boyfriend.
 

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What would he need to do or say before you can feel that the issue is resolved?

I sometimes get annoyed when people reiterate the same thing over and over with nothing different.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
What would he need to do or say before you can feel that the issue is resolved?

I sometimes get annoyed when people reiterate the same thing over and over with nothing different.
I honestly don't know. I need to think about that. I rely on "it doesn't FEEL settled" without having direct thoughts/reasons to back it up. I never realized this before you said this, so thank you.
 

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This is along the same vein that others have said, but the best thing for you to do is keep your word to your boyfriend. Don't stay friends with the ex. That's just asking for complications and more hurt along the road. Cut off your association with him and if he confronts you about it, be straight with him. If your ex hates you for wanting to mend and strengthen your relationship with your current boyfriend, then he's not worth your time.

Don't keep apologizing and rehashing the issue. If your boyfriend has decided to forgive, then it's resolved. Water under the bridge. Learn from your mistakes, move on. Don't carry your shame and guilt with you, because that will only taint the relationship. If he has forgiven you, the next step is to forgive yourself. Accept the forgiveness and become worthy of the trust and love he has placed in you. If you stay on target and don't allow your emotions to blind or mislead you, I have a feeling that you will be on your way to mending the situation and the relationship.
 

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Was it your boyfriend's or your idea that you avoid the other guy? Because maybe it would make you feel better if you tell the other guy you now have a boyfriend and aren't interested in him anymore:unsure:
 

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Don't fall in the trap of looking for resolution. If your bf is willing to stay with you, then all you have to do is show in your actions little by little that you're honst and trust worthy. Don't talk about it over and over. It's going to make him more angry than anything and may even push him into making a decision that you don't want. If you're looking to help HIM with the situation, just try to let it go and move on. The resolution you're looking for is to help yourself not him. (Not trying to sound harsh. Sorry if it does!)
 

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I'm mostly relating to #1. He hates when I bring up the same issue again and again, which I do because I feel it isn't resolved. So I just need to resolve this with him once and for all, and move on.

.....

So yes, my line is I want my boyfriend.
You already have your boyfriend. What you need to do is to stop pestering him with that mistake of yours and concentrate to him and your life from now on.

I respect your straightforwardness and honesty; it's not easy thing to do to come clean. However, you still seem to feel bad about what you did. It looks like you are trying to find some kind of peace for yourself by dumping your bad feelings over him over and over and expecting him to do something with it. Don't you think it's a bit unfair to him?

If you need to mull over some more, do it with someone else.

Honestly, lot of that what you're doing looks like an attempt to confession - penance - absolution, only that the penance part is missing. If that's what you'd need to feel "resolved", go to a church, or, decide that "living on without mentioning that stuff" is your penance.
 
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Thanks for answering my questions.

Ok. I was wondering if he was hurt or not and I could not gauge by your original post.

I'll reiterate. I'm glad to hear you are totally devoted to the ISTP. I think you've been almost too honest and that's caused some issues. If you aren't into this other dude and your guilt has caused you to report to the ISTP it's almost common sense that he would expect more to happen than you are admitting did. Anyway. Lesson learned. Your intent is powerful. If you have good intentions with your BF then trust that. No need to report the smallest thing to him. He will probably think there is something bigger brewing even when there isn't. Which would cause the mistrust issue to arise.

I would trust your instincts first and foremost and any fears he has belay them.

Sometimes being too honest is just as bad as being not honest enough. ;)

Just keep being his friend and supporting him and things should work out fine. Basically. Only tell him stuff that is detrimental to your relationship. I think that your are just a super honest person. Not everything needs to be said to an SO.

The reason why I had a strange feeling about the ISTP is twofold. 1) Long distance relationships aren't something we normally deal with and 2) what others have already stated.

I was suspecting that ISTP of some indiscretion in and of himself. Carry on. ;)
 
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