What age range are you in?
17, close to 18 for what little difference that makes.
Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
Nothing diagnosed other than high intelligence (professionally) and soft-heartedness (personally and socially).
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
Umm.. (Wow this is a pretty far-reaching question, if I'm honest I have no idea how to start answering) I really just want to reach a position in life where I have ample resources to live in a personal style of comfort. Like most human beings, I hope for true love a lot, mainly for the idea of having a true connection with somebody, a connection transcending the limited nature of language. I hope to have a lot of time to dream and read. I'd like a small, minimalist home- clutter seems to go hand in hand with some weird weariness of mind, for me anyway.
2. What were you like as a kid?
Apparently, according to family, I was a very bright, vivacious child, always smiling, always happy. To be frank, I remember being happiest alone, I adored those hours where I was left completely alone with books and my video games ^_^ According to friends, I was usually nice, perhaps occasionally a little stand-offish, especially if interrupted while doing something I enjoyed, or if I had had enough of being social (I'm an introvert in a large way). I also remember hating, really fucking HATING fights of any kind. I have a few funny memories from this actually ^_^
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
The relationships have always been very plain. Very civil, trusting and respectful on both sides. I can't recall a single fight. I'm pretty sure that, at least by there standards, I'm lacking in ambition or drive. I can't say I have any right to disagree I have dreams, not goals. Try hard as I might, I never can make flimsy aims consolidate to goals. If I recall correctly, this seems to be an INFJ commonality? Anyway, I'm rambling. The only additional details are that my ESTP dad is perhaps a little emotionally estranged from me, and my Si/Fi-dom mother takes advantage of my malleability to force me onto some semblance of a life path.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I value kindness, harmony, beautiful things, compassion- I very much err on the side of compassion over justice/vengeance. I hope to avoid becoming a hypocrite, I don't want to be an old man who looks back at his youth and scoffs at his most earnest attempt at self- and life-awareness in his whole existence. I also hope to never to become an old dog who can't learn new tricks/ways of thinking. I never want to be intolerant.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I've always felt a little ill at ease around people, especially people of my own peer group. I've found it hard to find common ground, and I've never known how to carry a superficial conversation well- I become clunky and erratic with how I speak. Dealing with it means asking questions, adopting the role of the listener, the questioner, and assuming a benevolent/ambivalent appearance.
As I mentioned above, I hate fighting and raised voices, though I wouldn't go so far as to call it a fear. I'm quite sensitive to loudness and too much going on anyway, I dislike sensory overload. Large parties and even busy supermarkets can be too much. I don't know if that's a factor or not
6. I'll do these as sets of words.
a.) How do you see yourself?
Tranquil, sensitive, malleable, lacklustre, thoughtful (in the "cerebral" sense, not the generous sense)
b.) How do you want others to see you?
As: good-natured, refreshing, kind, sensitive, intelligent. (Wow I think I just summed up a generation's worth of romanticised characters in literature)
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
Arrogance, vaingloriousness, bluntness, bitterness, tactlessness.
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others.
I'll give it a two. I am in no way selfless, though I believe, and hope, that I could not be called a selfish person in very many ways. I work to compromise!
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you
One. I do it with varying degrees of conscientiousness and awareness, but it always is a factor in my life. I notice it clearer in hindsight than in any time in the present. It probably really is one of my biggest concerns, if I really think on it (like what I'm doing now ^_^)
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else.
This is a funny one. Mentally, one, through the lens of what action I take: about one million. I have an opinion on 90% of what I see, but simultaneously I can see differing viewpoints; with equal or greater logic with which to give opinions weight. I also don't believe I have any right to tell another being's right from wrong. At least, in moral nitpickings I don't. If I saw a murder about to happen, I'd probably find it in me to tell the murderer's right from wrong for him/her.
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
I dream of weird worlds, some weird intermeshing of fantasy, real, ideal and religious worlds take place, so I kind of bounce along in that transient world that I have no idea how to begin describing to you. I also consider many moral dilemma's ("what if..") and simulate interesting possible real life scenarios. Possibly my favourite daydreams though are more spiritual and abstract than I have words with which to describe.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Best: Being alone with quiet for 6+ hours, my head loses some of it's clogging haziness and muscle tension eases out. Also book buying, music finding, poem/prose writing and friend making feel fantastic
Worst: Once I was invited to two large parties in one week with many people I didn't know and alcohol and loud, bad music present. That was pretty bad, plus add the fact that some friends were pissed because I got invited & couldn't back out, while they were uninvited. That week sucked. Also once I had to cut contact with a friend (he caused too much pain to me emotionally and it took me a long time to realise that) and it was, and still is, pretty messy and bitter on his part.
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
Anger feels pretty damn scary. Where my ambivalent state feels almost like a T.V. showing static while turned up on loud, anger feels like the static shaking, turning red, threatening to escape the boundaries of the screen and cause chaos and unhappiness. Did that make any sense at all? I can usually just wait anger out, but if I really get riled I'll punch something (my leg sometimes) or bite my lip. Once or twice it's leaked out, my friends still laugh about it to this day, the way "innocent, little" me became "terrifying and loud and the hulk".
I haven't had much of an issue with shame. Perhaps I've never truly been acquainted with it. What little things have brought me light shame, quickly transmuted to heavy embarrassment. I've never done anything truly shameful. Watch this space, when I have, I'll tell you!
Bit of a problem for me. It feels like breathlessness, like the wind might feel on a still day. I turn to distraction after distraction, as long as these divertions leave me some mental capacity to work through the feeling. I think it's like a partial muting of the feeling, by shutting half my brain onto some menial game or undemanding reading, I leave only half my brain for feeling, meaning I feel only a stunted version of what otherwise might have been an onslaught of unmanageable feelings.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
Procrastinate, then feel sad, then find work ethic and push through. Always in that order.
b.) negative unexpected change
My mind envelopes in deep haze, and I just stumble/fall through the tough time.
If it's involving others, I will either seek solitude, away from the commotion, or I will stay there and enter a daydream/simply blank my mind, I seem to zone out while my body handles being alive, and minutes/hours later I "wake".
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
I fit many roles. I prefer to be a listener/keeper of morale, but if nobody takes responsibility or leadership, I will willingly step into the role. As soon as someone vies for top spot though, I step down again. Competition simply is not a process I know, care or want to go through.
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
I state clearly what I want to happen, I designate roles, then lead by example. If anyone has suggestions, I gladly take them, seeing how I'm pretty diffident by that time anyway. If there's questions, I answer calmly. I tend to trust people to know what they're doing better than I do, so I let autonomy spread throughout. Why? Simply because that's what's easiest, efficient and it runs smoother.
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
Not at all, I find those relations really easy to maintain. Being led and remaining happy is simply a matter of showing respect where it's due, asking plenty of honest, unloaded questions and, if all else fails, going to chameleon-mode.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I get the measure of people really fast and easily. If I was to say that everyone has some aura or emotional atmosphere that I kinda feel, would I sound totally boastful and judgemental?
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I trust those who seem trustworthy, though I only trust ANYone to a quite limited extent. It's not that I believe they would consciously choose to hurt me, it's that all people are lax and gossiping, and life can change circumstances to a very unfavourable stance. Even those who I know, consciously, are not in any way trustworthy, I still find it hard to turn my trust against anyone. I'm trusting, forgiving and idealistic to the core, resulting in a lot of naivety and gullibility.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
My religious beliefs are a mixture of new age ideas, buddhist values and christian ideals. Ultimately I have found spirituality in any place that made sense to me. In politics, I am very unlearned, it's competitive way seems so odd to me, but I basically believe in liberty, free speech, free thought, mercy over justice, etc. I believe I'm quite liberal, though I don't know anything about american political parties.
Optional Question (due to personal nature)
Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)
- To constantly push yourself to be “the best”
- To be without needs, well-intentioned
- To replace direct experience with concepts
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient
I relate strongly to the third and eighth statement there. I don't know why, it's simply what feels right to me, and the natural temptation to indulge whims often gets me here. (Sorry for the non-answer. I'm tired!)
I hope this made sense, and I hope somebody actually took time from their day to read about some anonymous near-stranger online!