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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
well sort of depressing. I am happy being wrapped up in my own pursuits and I am very busy with school, but it seems like everyone else is dating or in a relationship and I never am. Im 20 and Ive been single for ages. It doesnt usually bother me but lately Ive gotten a lot of attention and Idk I don't like it, I mean I do but it makes me sad because I cant be with any of them, also there are so few who appeal to me, but when they do appeal to me I want them more than I should. there have only been 2 in my life who I have ever wanted to be with. the first was in 7th grade and the second was last year. he was on my organismal biology lab, really smart, but shy, I think most of that was lust, he obviously worked out, biceps are my weakness, long story short I couldn't say anything to him, he never said anything to me but I knew he at least was attracted to me, or I think he was I mean he would stare at me all through lecture Id catch him at it everyday, and then he'd just look away, and when we were lab partners hed look at my face while I wrote etc. the point is I'm ok looking I keep fit and Im friendly when approached, so does me being INFJ keep others at bay, or is it me? It would be nice to not always be alone, do you guys feel this way? or do you go through this too?
 

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I'm 22 and I've never had a boyfriend. I started University 6 weeks ago and I have made a good group of friends. When we go out I see how guys look at my girlfriends but they never look at me. It's like I'm invisible. The two girls I go out with a lot have both been approached by guys but I haven't been approached once.

I've only ever had one guy show an interest in me and that was when I was 17. I worked out that he wasn't really interested in me he was desperate for a girlfriend.

I'm beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me or if I give off the wrong kind of vibe...I wish I could see how other people see me.
 

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Ahh.. the proverbial loneliness. This used to bother me quite a bit.. and it still does.. just not nearly as much. (heartbreak) :unsure: Anywhooooo... It's just a waiting game.. I know my partner in crime is out there.. and that is what keeps me from going insane. In the mean time, I'm working on every aspect of myself to be the best person I can be for whomever that is. I have to be ready because it could happen at any time. Most likely when you least expect it.
 

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I have a similar problem. I'm not really attracted to that many people. So I've never actively tried to get a girlfriend at any point in my life. I've look a bit on free dating website and craigslist (yea kinda lame but whatever) but I can't hold conversation for more than a few messages. People dont seam to be too interested in what I have to say and they dont seam to have much more to say on their side. I like the idea mentioned in another thread about meeting, that INFJ should try to meet through activities. Just got to find some kind of activity I like.

Also, I tend to really give up my interest in some girl when I realize the only thing I'm attracted to is their sex appeal (I know it's a facet of beauty but still). It's a moral value thing, if I'm going to be with someone it's got to be for the right reasons.

So yeah, 24 and still single. So yes, I can definitely relate to what your say. Hopefully, I will meet someone before my thirties.
 

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rejection was very common for me.... i got a girlfriend finally a few month from becoming 24 years old. long distance and we met online but she is great in so many ways. well i am really happy when i talk to her. been over a month now. so keep on trying someday it will happen whether it will last is up to the relationship.
 

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... it makes me sad because I cant be with any of them, also there are so few who appeal to me, but when they do appeal to me I want them more than I should. there have only been 2 in my life who I have ever wanted to be with. the first was in 7th grade and the second was last year. he was on my organismal biology lab, really smart, but shy, I think most of that was lust, he obviously worked out, biceps are my weakness, long story short I couldn't say anything to him, he never said anything to me but I knew he at least was attracted to me, or I think he was I mean he would stare at me all through lecture Id catch him at it everyday, and then he'd just look away, and when we were lab partners hed look at my face while I wrote etc. the point is I'm ok looking I keep fit and Im friendly when approached, so does me being INFJ keep others at bay, or is it me? It would be nice to not always be alone, do you guys feel this way? or do you go through this too?
My advice would be to first not overthink relationships. You will be much better at coming up with reasons for why it will not work rather than why it will work, and thus end up keeping yourself away from a lot of opportunities. But this kind of theoretical modeling of potential relationship in your mind cannot be 100% correct. Sometimes you just gotta experience it, see what life brings your way rather than keep away and just model mentally from distance coming up with all kinds of reasons why it wouldn't have worked anyways. And at least strive to keep yourself open and available. From what I've read and observed of myself too, sometimes people make an appearance of being open and receptive while unconsciously they are putting up a lot of barriers for anyone to get close to them, then they wonder what's wrong with them.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with keeping single really. My INFP friend is 28 right now and she hasn't had a boyfriend yet. She has friends, a job, her artistic hobbies and interests, just not a boyfriend. She is a bit flighty when guys approach he and unknowingly makes moves to escape their advances which they interpret as a rejection. An INFJ on the other hand would just be accepting but proceed to put up the kind of metal and emotional barriers likes of which few people have patience and determination to break through.
 

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We are a very picky and peculiar breed. We know exactly what we want in a relationship, and on top of that, and more often than not, we'd prefer our mate to be attractive. We're shy. We're aloof and introspective. Quiet and observant. We're hard to read and figure out. AND GOD DAMNIT, WE WANT LOVE TOO. That's a pretty tall order.

I've been single for a long time too, but I know for a fact that I've had women interested in me. In many of these cases, the feeling was just not mutual. I'm idealistic and picky. I'll bet that some of you have secret admirers that you just haven't noticed.

If you think it's a big problem, try adjusting your style a bit. Don't completely change yourself, but wear something cuter, more stylish, something that draws more attention to yourself. If you wear your hear up, let it down, and vise-versa. Most of all, BE CONFIDENT. The more approachable you make yourself, the more likely you are to be approached.
 

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Ladies and Gentlemen......

First of all, I wish to let you guys know something and I hope you have some faith in what I say by my own personal experience. And if it doesn't make sense then pay no attention.

Ladies and Gentlemen.... there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or us. You feel that there is no attraction or people just simply do not approach you. Very simple answer, you guys are INFJ's. Most INFJ's that I have notice, are reserved, one on one conversations, only pick a few individuals, sometimes expressionless. Quiet and maybe shy, but I believe it has to do with what the topic is about that catches our attention. Not no ordinary chit chat. We lose train of thought because at times we lose interest.

My point is..... INFJ's pretty much do what it takes for others to lose interest from a wide audience. Because we act mysterious and people from a distance do not have a clue or what to make of us, we are unapproachable to the many. Do not get me wrong, sure we get one or two that approach us but because we are careful what we say, or think before we say anything or we try accidently not to fit in, do you blame others for not having a clue how to engage with an INFJ???

People would love to be with us and hang out with us if we gave them a chance to see us inside and out. But you only have 15 seconds before that opportunity is gone. What does that mean? When you see people, just think of a few questions or comments to say somethng to start a conversation. Approach them, smile in a nice pleasant way. Always remember their names... that is very important first of all. Say something nice.

I like your glasses.
Thats a nice hat.
Nice shoes.
Where did you buy that?

By the way my name is.... etc.

And one thing I wish for you to think over.... In the beginning do not get into deep thoughts. Not until you feel that there is a connection. With anyone. And when I say a relationship, I am talking about people in general. It does not neccessarily have to be a boyfriend girlfriend, but it can lead up to that.

Then let them continue the conversation. And remember to smile.
End the conversation if you feel uncomfortable by saying.... Well, I've got to get to.... But I hope to see you soon.. Mike, Steve, Nancy, Jill.....etc.

Leave it at that.... Then when you see eachother again, remember there names!!!! And remember the conversation or something about them. Then what happens is that these sentences becomes paragraphs and paragraphs become a meaningful relationship.

But please do not just do that with one individual.... open your mind to talk to everyone that comes our way..... So you can let people in and have the opportunity to meet some fantastic people. Remember, this has nothing to do with you as in..... is something wrong with me? No nothing is wrong with you. INFJ's need to have the encouragement to interact more on a audience social environment. Many people are attracted to INFJ's. You just can't see that because we need to open our mind and take some chances. These are really not chanses but an opportunity for best in you to come out!!!!

Give it a try.... And within a week, tell me I was full of it!!!

Sincerely.
Johnny
 

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well sort of depressing. I am happy being wrapped up in my own pursuits and I am very busy with school, but it seems like everyone else is dating or in a relationship and I never am. Im 20 and Ive been single for ages.
THIS. I thought it was quarter life crisis that was making me suddenly not want to be alone, but now I'm thinking that it's just an infj female thing that makes us that last to be in a relationship. Maybe we desire so much but are too preoccupied with people in general and our duties to actively pursue are own happiness. At least that's how it is for me.
 

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I never had a boyfriend until I transferred to a university when I turned 20. He was an ISFP.... I could see why the SP thing was appealing to me at first, but I knew within the first month it wouldn't last. Turned out to a be a total disaster that ended after 4 months and then an on-and-off deal of his confusion for a few after. I would never recommend an ISFP for an INFJ.
When I was 22 I started dating an ESTJ... kind of on a rebound if you want me to be completely honest with you and myself. It was a nice relationship the first few months but his SJ need for security was a bit much for me. Only lasted 9 months.

So, to make my main point.... have patience. It can help a bit to just date someone for a while for the heck of it even if you know its not meant to be, but in that same regard its not worth the stress and heartache -- it throws you off intuitively. I know for myself personally I don't even want to deal with dating anyone in the mean time anymore... I'm tired of being the counselor to someone who is supposed to be my equal. He will come in time. :blushed:
 

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We are a very picky and peculiar breed. We know exactly what we want in a relationship, and on top of that, and more often than not, we'd prefer our mate to be attractive. We're shy. We're aloof and introspective. Quiet and observant. We're hard to read and figure out. AND GOD DAMNIT, WE WANT LOVE TOO. That's a pretty tall order.

I've been single for a long time too, but I know for a fact that I've had women interested in me. In many of these cases, the feeling was just not mutual. I'm idealistic and picky.
Exactly. I feel guilty occasionally because people are interested in me, but I'm not interested in them. So I'm not sure I can complain about being single. It kind of feels like I'm opting out of dating?

I think we all have similar outlooks on relationships... so I think you have two options:

1) Do as Vel said, and date for fun. Don't put a huge amount of unnecessary importance on casual dating. Learn from what you experience. Try people out. Attempt not to write people off too soon. See what happens.

2) Be single for long stretches of time. Have really intense long term relationships (but only every couple of years). Favor quality over quantity. Hope that maybe one day you meet your soulmate?

I think the first approach is healthier... but easier said than done. I also think the 'being single' approach can be a defense mechanism to keep people at arm's length. Protects us from heartbreak, but also protects us from experiencing life fully.

Just some thoughts.
 

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I relate to the OP.

There was a long lonely period in my life after a traumatic breakup... I wanted to find a girl... but I subconsciously pushed them all away.

It was only when a girl opened my heart that suddenly a number of girls found me attractive...

Maybe there is a shadow hanging over your shoulders as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Exactly. I feel guilty occasionally because people are interested in me, but I'm not interested in them. So I'm not sure I can complain about being single. It kind of feels like I'm opting out of dating?

I think we all have similar outlooks on relationships... so I think you have two options:

1) Do as Vel said, and date for fun. Don't put a huge amount of unnecessary importance on casual dating. Learn from what you experience. Try people out. Attempt not to write people off too soon. See what happens.

2) Be single for long stretches of time. Have really intense long term relationships (but only every couple of years). Favor quality over quantity. Hope that maybe one day you meet your soulmate?

I think the first approach is healthier... but easier said than done. I also think the 'being single' approach can be a defense mechanism to keep people at arm's length. Protects us from heartbreak, but also protects us from experiencing life fully.

Just some thoughts.

I think you are right, the first option is the healthiest approach, but then again INFJs arent exactly known for the pursuit of their own best interest. The thing is I know what I want, and the thought of an average relationship which is headed nowhere meaningful, seems like a waste. Granted it would be nice to not sleep alone everynight or to have someone to eat lunch with and text through the day, but that isnt enough. For me I would rather have nothing at all than an imitation of my true desire. Because any relationship pales next to my ideal and I know that I am asking for too much, I know that my demands are rediculous. I want extreme good looks,( but then there are lots of different types of good looking to me, I tend to go for nerdy with a body, lol or masculine taditional but my fave is the dark moody type, cus thats me) I want an emotional and intellectual depth that matches my own yet I want him to be fiercely protective and still strong and masculine, and lastly I want the obsessive infatuation we have for one another to never fade with time, I want it to burn eternal. Maybe Ill get it and maybe I wont, and thats what scares me, because for all my spirited proclaimations, I know that I do want to at least be physical with someone, but how can I give in when there is such a higher aim on my mind? Why would I kiss my lover's lips, caress his skin and hold his body, without touching the soul beneath it? To never feel the fall and swell of that ocean? That is what I want, to swim in THOSE uncharted waters, his body and soul, to intertwine with mine. There is nothing higher. Gah sorry for the rant, Im not sure if im ever clear in what Im trying to convey.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I have a similar problem. I'm not really attracted to that many people. So I've never actively tried to get a girlfriend at any point in my life. I've look a bit on free dating website and craigslist (yea kinda lame but whatever) but I can't hold conversation for more than a few messages. People dont seam to be too interested in what I have to say and they dont seam to have much more to say on their side. I like the idea mentioned in another thread about meeting, that INFJ should try to meet through activities. Just got to find some kind of activity I like.

Also, I tend to really give up my interest in some girl when I realize the only thing I'm attracted to is their sex appeal (I know it's a facet of beauty but still). It's a moral value thing, if I'm going to be with someone it's got to be for the right reasons.

So yeah, 24 and still single. So yes, I can definitely relate to what your say. Hopefully, I will meet someone before my thirties.
I feel the SAME way, I cant hold a conversation for longer than a few min and then im all out of ideas, so i sit there wracking my brain trying to think of questions to ask that require long answers, all I can say is at least INFJs have standards, its good that you dont just shag every rag that comes along
 

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I think you are right, the first option is the healthiest approach, but then again INFJs arent exactly known for the pursuit of their own best interest. The thing is I know what I want, and the thought of an average relationship which is headed nowhere meaningful, seems like a waste. Granted it would be nice to not sleep alone everynight or to have someone to eat lunch with and text through the day, but that isnt enough. For me I would rather have nothing at all than an imitation of my true desire. Because any relationship pales next to my ideal and I know that I am asking for too much, I know that my demands are rediculous. I want extreme good looks,( but then there are lots of different types of good looking to me, I tend to go for nerdy with a body, lol or masculine taditional but my fave is the dark moody type, cus thats me) I want an emotional and intellectual depth that matches my own yet I want him to be fiercely protective and still strong and masculine, and lastly I want the obsessive infatuation we have for one another to never fade with time, I want it to burn eternal. Maybe Ill get it and maybe I wont, and thats what scares me, because for all my spirited proclaimations, I know that I do want to at least be physical with someone, but how can I give in when there is such a higher aim on my mind? Why would I kiss my lover's lips, caress his skin and hold his body, without touching the soul beneath it? To never feel the fall and swell of that ocean? That is what I want, to swim in THOSE uncharted waters, his body and soul, to intertwine with mine. There is nothing higher. Gah sorry for the rant, Im not sure if im ever clear in what Im trying to convey.
That makes sense to me. I do that too. I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time when I date someone I know isn't going to be good for me in the long term. But what you mentioned is very frustrating - because everyone has physical needs too.

We're all in search of love... but I think we are one of the types that it is truly important to. In the same way that INFJs have trouble working in a job that goes against their ethics, so is it difficult to settle for lackluster matches.

I think the one nice thing to think about is that it may take awhile to find someone, but the payoff is pretty grand.
 

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We are a very picky and peculiar breed. We know exactly what we want in a relationship, and on top of that, and more often than not, we'd prefer our mate to be attractive. We're shy. We're aloof and introspective. Quiet and observant. We're hard to read and figure out. AND GOD DAMNIT, WE WANT LOVE TOO. That's a pretty tall order.

I've been single for a long time too, but I know for a fact that I've had women interested in me. In many of these cases, the feeling was just not mutual. I'm idealistic and picky. I'll bet that some of you have secret admirers that you just haven't noticed.

If you think it's a big problem, try adjusting your style a bit. Don't completely change yourself, but wear something cuter, more stylish, something that draws more attention to yourself. If you wear your hear up, let it down, and vise-versa. Most of all, BE CONFIDENT. The more approachable you make yourself, the more likely you are to be approached.
I pretty much agree with this. In addition, sometimes I find myself noticing that some girl has some interest in me, but then I forsee what could go wrong, how it might now work out well to be a good couple, or I could miss dating someone else, and so on. What I'm trying to do is just ignore what my head says and just go with it. Reality is never perfect, but I could be missing out on something special.
 

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Please don't think that it's just you, or that there's something wrong with you-- I'm an ENFP, and have the same problem. I'm also 20, and I have been single for the past 1.5 years with no hope in sight (that might sound like a short time, but it feels like ages to me). I am getting to the point where I really miss being in a relationship, but no one is usually interested in me, or the few guys I find that interest me don't ever seem to notice I exist. I always end up being the girl who hears about the girl they're crushing on... instead of being the girl they're crushing on.

I sometimes slip into the same trap as you, wondering "I'm decent looking, I'm in decent shape, I've got a decent personality-- why am I scaring them away?!" But honestly... it has nothing to do with you, or me. The right person just has not come along yet. It's so easy to get impatient and want to blame ourselves, but the perfect guy will pop out of the woodwork when you are least expecting it, and that is the hope that keeps me from feeling too lonely or upset.
 

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i don't relate to that.....exactly. i have not been single for more than a year since grade 9 and i am 32. HOWEVER......i do relate to feeling very lonely within relationships that haven't been right for me.

it is good that you are picky.......don't rush into anything. think it through and date A LOT! the more you date the better you understand how men of any type work and taking into consideration type.......you will get to know which type you like best.

as was said above.....date for fun.......but with intent to fine hone what you are looking for. i have had some great dates......been to a lot of restaurants and never paid for a thing! it was fun and there was no pressure. but i stress.......

take your time

you want to get it right........

being in the wrong relationship can be just as lonely as not being in any at all :frustrating:
 

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At your age, everyone wants to be in a relationship. I can relate to how that desire can be fueled from being surrounded by couples. However I think it's great that you pursue your activities/hobbies and maintain your independence. You'll definitely need to keep that part of your life alive whenever you do date in the future.

As for advice, I would highly recommend to be more realistic about your expectations. I know it's in our nature to be idealistic, but really, how many people out there meet all of your demands? It's basically a certain method to staying single forever. I would definitely be more open to people who meet some of the desired qualities. Also, in my experience, the only times I "find" love is when I'm not even looking for it in the first place.

Here are some articles I think you should read:
"31 things I wish I'd known about dating when I was 21"
8 Dating Mistakes Even Smart Women Make
Five Traits in a Mate That Are Not Deal Breakers
 
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