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Discussion Starter #1
For almost a year now an ENFJ girl has been, periodically, infatuated in me. I've always had feelings for her as well. The thing is I've unintentionally hurt her several times by avoiding potentionally emotionally charged moments, accidentally not acknowledging her presence and other similar stuff with can all be explained by my Ti detachment. She's supposedly cried over me more times than I can recall. I've never been in a relationship (I'm very young) so I have no reference of how to behave. She went back to her ex for a while, just after that I tried opening up and she immediately left him for me. The next day I became detached at the wrong moment and she went back for her ex. I have no idea where she stands now.

Is there some way I could justify and make her understand and forgive my behaviour in any way?
 

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Sorry to hear about your predicament Ink.

Well me being both an ENFJ and an individual it would be a little problematic to say for sure. If I were going to be generic I would declare in all honesty it COULD be a little difficult for you.

As with me personally I can drop people and cut people out of my life if they stab me in the back for instance or if I really,really feel let down by a person big time. Saying that, in some cases I will not even inform them how I feel and as I mentioned, I just distance myself from them with out an explanation whatsoever. Unless of course they ask me and then I will be up front and straightforward.Saying that,the few people I have cut out of my life never really asked. So I made the right evaluation in the first place methinks.

Also,I have been in a situation where I have cared and always have been there for a “friend” and when I needed emotional support they was not there for me.This ate away at me,as it was hardly reciprocal and empathetic from the other person. Being sensitive and perceptive doesn’t help matters as if things feel negative and depressing I really feel them tremendously so automatically need to get rid of them aforementioned feelings out of my life. So I routinely drop people who manufacture them negative feelings in me like a stone.

That’s a laconic and objective view of an ENFJ I am. Remember though,the Myers and Briggs personality types is just the foundation of who we are.There is a myriad of other experiences and circumstances in life that make us who we are as people.For instance, there was a story I heard many moons ago offline of a guy whom was very ENFJ party person and was great with people. He then was involved in a car crash that left him disfigured and consequently after this he become totally introverted and could not socialize with groups of people anymore, as he was very conscious of his face…

Good luck with everything.
 

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Doesn't sound like something worthwhile to put your effort into. If you misunderstand each other in terms of feelings, and she goes back and forth to her ex..that's two really good reasons to move on. Maybe they weren't the right circumstances, but in that case I would talk to her and tell her she needs to decide on her ex and be sure.
 

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Hmm. I have an INTP and we've grown pretty close. Really, close, actually. And I'm sometimes put off by his... INTPness. He'll seem to grow cold, or push me away when he decides that we're too close for comfort. Or, like you mentioned, just show a little Ti detachment. It doesn't bother me, though, since I understand that that's just... how he is. He doesn't mean to hurt me or annoy me or anything like that. And afterwards, when he's done something that he thinks might have offended me, he's open to talking about it if I want to. I don't usually want to, though. I'm pretty easy, he doesn't even have to apologize and has kind of stopped. But anyway! I enjoy understanding people, or at least doing the best I can to understand them, and I think many ENFJs are that way. Talking to her about it, if you're comfortable talking to her about it, could really help, IMO. She'll possibly be interested in learning a bit more about you, and you'll help her see that you're not trying to be difficult and it just makes things so much... sweeter. Figuring out my INTP takes a lot of time, but he's pretty patient with me and we grow closer every day because of it. Like all relationships, it shrinks and expands and shrinks and expands. But every change is a lesson learned.

Going back to the ex is kinda sucky. You might want to figure out what you think of that, or how you feel about it, or however you'd like me to word that. Could be that she just wants some stability, even if it's at the cost of something she wants more. Stability feels like safety, and safety feels like being yourself, and being yourself feels like happiness.

Disclaimer: This is all just my opinion, based on not very much information. So, you know, I could be way wrong. I just don't think it's a lost cause. Communication really is the key to most metaphorical doors. I could rant about that, but I've already said more than I needed to say. Good luck!
 

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Based on what little I do know, I'm wondering if it's so much a matter of her forgiving you as her wondering if she can trust you with those feelings and whatnot? Have you tried being open about what's been happening here, maybe having a conversation about it? I know even though I'm not a Ti-dom, I'm prone from time to time to be a little detached or get scared of starting to get too close to someone, so I'll pull away, so I can kind of empathise. I think it may have happened once or twice with my ENFJ friend, but I've noticed that whenever, I'm open about it like "Well, I know I've kinda withdrawn here and there here's why...." it has kinda helped.

I'm also wondering why she keeps going back to her ex. I don't think everyone who's hurt in love necessarily jumps back to their ex at the first sign of something bad. Does she still have feelings for her ex, because if she does then, maybe that's who she should stay with, but if she doesn't then, why does she keep going back to him when she's hurt? It doesn't seem like it would be fair to either party. I'm sensing that there's a lot of things that need to be discussed with your ENFJ friend, to get some things resolved.
 
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How can you accidently not be aware you are in her presence? You're aware that it's an accident and that she was there. How is that accidental, exactly? You sound like you are playing emotional games with her. You can call it detachment - you're actually not detached, this is not the definition of detachment what you've described. You sound awfully aware to me. You're playing with her emotions because you probably have no idea how you feel. Be a big boy/girl, be honest and direct and tell her what is really going on. If that is not apart of your plan, tell her to move on, and find someone else that is willing to give her the attention she wants.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
How can you accidently not be aware you are in her presence? You're aware that it's an accident and that she was there. How is that accidental, exactly? You sound like you are playing emotional games with her. You can call it detachment - you're actually not detached, this is not the definition of detachment what you've described. You sound awfully aware to me. You're playing with her emotions because you probably have no idea how you feel. Be a big boy/girl, be honest and direct and tell her what is really going on. If that is not apart of your plan, tell her to move on, and find someone else that is willing to give her the attention she wants.
I guess there is some truth to this sadly... What should I tell her is going on?
 

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I guess there is some truth to this sadly... What should I tell her is going on?
Whatever is going on, let her know. If you are confused - tell her. If you don't want to proceed - tell her. If you think she should move on - tell her. I don't know how you feel. Your feelings are your own. I cannot and have no authority to tell you what you feel. But this game you are playing serves no purpose. No one is winning.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Whatever is going on, let her know. If you are confused - tell her. If you don't want to proceed - tell her. If you think she should move on - tell her. I don't know how you feel. Your feelings are your own. I cannot and have no authority to tell you what you feel. But this game you are playing serves no purpose. No one is winning.
You are right, it's very hard to do this when I don't know where she stands though. Once I dive into my feelings there's no easy going back...
 

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You are right, it's very hard to do this when I don't know where she stands though. Once I dive into my feelings there's no easy going back...
The truth will set you free.
 
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