[Surstarky]

IxTx Communication Problem

I've been in a serious relationship with my allieged ISTP (We are still uncertain on the S/N and J/P) for over a year now. I got into the relationship directly after another relationship of 4 years (I believe my ex was a ENTP). In the beginning he seemed so deep, intellegent and maybe even emotional; after the year with him, I have came to the conclusion he definately isn't what I thought.

He is very hard to communicate with. Communication between us has gotten down to just the bare minimum. Mainly "What are we going to eat? x20 (I could care less) a day or "What are we doing today? x5 and a lot of "Whatcha doin?" x20 (Which typically he can visually see what Im doing, thus very fustrating.) In short, he usually has nothing of imporantance to say. The most I get is jokes about inappropriate things, bodily functions. I LOVE to talk to the person Im with. I love to bounce ideas/thoughts...but I actually enjoy the feedback/debates most. He rarely ever lets this happen. If I make a statement/question the typical response I get is silence or grumbles. I have avidly complained about this, but it has been decided in his mind that if he doesn't have an opinion, he isn't going to comment. I get so tired of hearing such repeative statements... I can pretty well predict what he is going to say days before he says them.

I am to the point of breaking down over this. When I bring it up it turns into a huge argument about how he can't make me happy yada yada, or as of late, completely disreguards my upset. I personally have become somewhat of a monster because of this lack in our relationship. I never feel satisfied, I constantly feel utterly alone... seeing he is the only person I would talk to... I have been mentally doorslamming him for months. I have become such a smartass to him.. to almost everything.

Any Advice? I don't want to end my relationship, I just need guidance on how to break the barrier... the silence.

 

[Night & Day]

You can try talking about things that interest him a lot, to make conversations. From there you can start talking about things that you like, to see if he actually gives you feedback. You can also try going out to fun places with him.

PS. That's the downside to some Thinkers, they can hardly feel any empathy (and sometimes don't even see it as a problem).

 

[Surstarky]

Honestly, there isn't a broad variety of things he is interested in. He has very specific interests such as only a certain genre of music. He enjoys space, yet we have already had many discussions.

When we first started talking he seemed to have so many deep thoughts. He seemed at that point to be interested in a lot that I was. When I bring this up, he states "Well, I've said all I need to say on those topics.. there's nothing left to say."

Though I will keep it in mind.

PS. He is a Thinker through and through. I wish I would have realized how much strain it would put me through.

 

[Surstarky]

Oh and going out and doing things together is quite a task as well. It usually entails silent car trips... silent ventures.. ect

 

[Killbain]

That sounds a very difficult situation. A relationship should be supportive, communicative and above all FUN.....or what is the point?

Ask yourself.......What would you do if this was a girl friend, just a male friend or a relative?..........and act accordingly.

 

[Surstarky]

The relationship isn't really terrible. He loves and supports me in a lot of other ways. We just don't seem to have the same way of communicating. My frustration only leads to deeper trauma, and a lot more strain on him because I'm always either upset or cut off... which I think leads to these backlashes. We don't know how to talk these issues out without taking things personally. Its a vicious cycle sometimes, but there are times when we do laugh and share moments, its just very rarely. He's very supportive of any ideas I have.. If I have a new hobby that I would like to try, he is always very supportive of getting the correct things I need and interested as the projects start, he just doesn't get as involved or be active in the hobby. He cuts off about a week or so in on the topic.

I realize I was slightly upset when I wrote the OP, but he isn't a terrible person. We just don't always stand on the same ground when it comes to talking. He honestly just doesn't know how share random thoughts or feelings without a great deal of strain on sorting out how he's going to present something.. and gets frustrated and just doesn't say anything.

My question is just to know a bit better how to understand him on a IxTx level... maybe there was some way I could either deal better with the huge gaps in communication or how to present my ideas on the same level.

 

[walloftext]

I don't know if this will work for you, but in my experience doing/experiencing things together will give you new shared experiences to talk about. With the introverted thinkers in my life I try to play in their field. I started to play video games with my ISTP gamer brother so we'd have something in common to talk about. If we went anywhere he'd be very short with me. We don't play the same room. It's a kind of way of being together but apart. For my INTP friend I read articles on her favorite topics to try and keep in the know. I forward them onto her and once she's read them we talk about them.

Technology, if they're into it, is a good buffer. Also if you can try to mirror their way of talking in the beginning of conversations to draw them in. I focus on the positives. My ISTP brother is extremely competitive, so I bring up where he did well. Typically in a story recounting how well he did. For my INTP friend I bring up areas I know she's already talked about and try to tack the new information. Not sure if this will be helpful, but I hope things go better for you.

 

[Surstarky]

This sounds like something I can work with

Very much appreciative. Mine guy seems a bit more INTP but its hard to tell for me since Im new to the ideas (Fe, Se, Fi, Si ect)
Thank you very much for thoughts.

 

[Surstarky]

This sounds like something I can work with

Very much appreciative. Mine guy seems a bit more INTP but its hard to tell for me since Im new to the ideas (Fe, Se, Fi, Si ect)

Thanks so much for the suggestion!