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Hi,

I love my husband, so much it can make me cry.

The other day i was using the computer for work, i have never been searching around theough his stuff, but i saw some old pictures and text when i was searching for my document.

I trust him and jealousy isn’t good.

I know I am his number one and i trust him, so its not jealous in that way. I started crying, i love him, love brings to much worries. Plus memories from an abudive relationship came, i was locked up never had fun like that in my early youth and then had a child that i then raised alone the first years. I want to live and have fun, I always feel like i don’t have time and so the jealous voice in my head tells me maybe they were having more fun together, etc etc.

How do you feel jealous and when you feel feelings are overqhelming? I am so not good in being vulnerable because everybody knows me as strong but i am so sensitive really.
 

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Oh yeah, I can sort of relate to that. I am my ISTP's second love, and he totally loved this chick right before he met me. Helps that she cheated on him and was an all-around selfish person (helps in that he doesn't keep in contact with her at all now - clean break), but I still wonder about their relationship and why he chose her before me, even though it has been like 8 years or so. I wonder if they had a better relationship than we do? I wonder what he liked about her. I think it can be hard sometimes because I know she has and had something else that I don't have - 1) the time with him and his affections and 2) he liked her for her (who is not me!). The beauty of INFP is seeing everyone as unique and special - the stink down of INFP is that well, everyone is unique and special - it's hard to admit to myself that he REALLY loved her, and she had REAL qualities that were attractive that perhaps I don't possess.

Anyway, not sure if this is helpful, but I mostly just try to shelve the feelings of jealousy and concentrate on the here and now. What I DO have. Who I am. The wonderful life that I do live.
 

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@lena01

Hm, where to start.

To me, it doesn't sound like this is about jealousy. Rather, something way deeper was triggered by the feeling of jealousy. As you have shared, I sense a lot of trauma and unresolved negative emotions. I do not doubt your love and trust for your husband--it is very obvious in your words. However, have you opened up to him in regards to your vulnerability? You stated that everyone thinks of you as strong, but you are actually very sensitive. Does your husband know the specifics of your fears and trauma? Or even before you tell him about it, are you willing to face all of the emotions yourself? I mention this as I believe this is the core of your issue.

The only way to be comfortable in the whirlpool of intense emotions is to be aware of them, rather than neglecting them. They will only build up and explode at the strangest moments if you don't take care of them appropriately. Although a lot of people perceive showing vulnerability equals weakness, this actually cannot be further from truth. You need to share those vulnerabilities in order to take care of yourself. If those feelings are not voiced, your loved ones cannot know how to take care of you accurately either.

Share you have these worries, and they come due to your love for him. You can let him know how much you love him, and how much he means to you. Also, reveal your sensitivity as well. You can have multiple sides to you, and be honest self in various ways. Just because you are strong and optimistic most of the time, it will not mean you are necessarily happy all of the time. People get tired from being happy. Naturally, we are going to have negative feelings and worries as well. It's okay to voice them as well.

However, I want you to process them and be calm when you voice them. Tell him this side of you exist, so that he is prepared when they come out abruptly. So you can go through the whole process together. Having someone you trust help you through the feelings will make the situation much less painful and lonely.

I hope this was of some help. I wish you the best.
 
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I understand this.

When you are deeply in love with someone, it can be difficult to reconcile the idea of them loving someone else deeply, especially if you imagine/consider that they might have loved someone "more" or had a better relationship than yours.

From my experience, I have never loved 2 people in the same way. I have always deeply loved my partners but variables like the person they are, stage I was in life, etc. make each relationship unique as well as the affection for the person. My last partner, I loved how he was handy and stable. The one before that, I loved his protectiveness. The one before him was creative and sensitive. I loved them all deeply but I loved them all differently. They all satisfied different aspects of me. It would really be apples and oranges to try and compare. With each relationship I learned something about my needs, my tolerances, etc. Myself. Without the prior loves, I wouldn't be the person I am today and hopefully the ideal partner for someone else.

So accept that the loves he had shaped him for you. He learned lessons and behaviors he needed to be an ideal partner for you. And even if he loved them greatly, he chose you. Commitment is a choice you make every day (I got this from a cheesy movie but it's very true) and every day he chooses you again. As he grew his needs changed but when he met you, you were the person that would grow along with his needs, not just a "stepping stone" to his development.

I agree with @sippingcappucino to discuss it with him - perhaps as a compare and contrast. "What makes me different than your other girlfriends? How did you know I was 'the one?'" It doesn't seem like jealousy - sometimes it's just nice to hear why you were chosen over others.
 
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