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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I apologize for the rant. It's useless and will probably not be interesting to anyone.

Been talking to a girl a bit. Flirting. Yesterday invited her over to my house. She was playing with my beard and I turned to kiss her and did. I've never initiated with a girl like that before, I'm always too timid but finally did. And it was beautiful. And we had sex. And it was amazing. The thing is, I'm too timid to initiate sex but once we're actually doing the deed, I'm dominant and certainly not timid. I take what I want, like it's my property...but not in a bad way, and all with consent.

Sex to me is how I show my feelings. I'm at my best when I'm having sex. It's when I can most easily show how strong my emotions actually are, as I love many people so strongly that words aren't even enough to describe them. So I use sex (with some of them). I just know that they can feel how passionate I am...how tender I touch them...how much their pleasure is important to me...how much every touch of their body brings me closer to becoming one with them...I'm getting all spiritual here but I think you understand what I mean.

I felt like my whole body was electrically charged. Everytime she touched me, I could feel exactly where it was. I love the feeling of being touched. That feeling of pure unadulterated trust and openness with someone...how they could literally do anything they want with me and I trust them to only bring me pleasure...and how she trusts me with my hands wrapped tightly around her neck, making it hard for her to breathe but her complete trust that I would never actually hurt her. How it sent shivers down my spine the way she stroked my back and my beard and my hair.. We had some foreplay for about 20 minutes. I love foreplay. I love making my partner feel good. It's the easiest time I can show them that they're important to me. Kisses everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Lots of kissing. Lots of sweet words. I love teasing them. She told me she likes it rough and I know how to be rough. I had her sit on my face and I loved the way she tensed up and moaned and grinded against my mouth. It was beautiful. I loved how she complimented my body. I loved kissing her. It was amazing. The sounds she made were delicious. I never wanted her to stop moaning. I wanted the neighbors to hear. I want to hear them all night.

And then she mounted me and rode me and told me how amazing my dick is. And I kissed her. And she came. And then I fingered her until she came again. And then we collapsed and I laid my head on her chest and went to kiss her.

And she said no. She didn't want to kiss me anymore. She just wanted to fuck me and then tell me that she doesn't want anything else with me. That we moved too fast. That she thought I was using her. I wasn't using her. I feel used. I wanted her. I wanted to go on walks with her. Take her to cafes. Spend time with her. Kiss her.

And now I'm sad.

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she was probably just prodding you to see how youd react. if she was just expressing her fears that werent true it would have been your job to tell her what she said isnt true if thats how you truly felt. if it was true then she let you off easy. she must have been hurt that way before. either that or it was her way of telling you she was using you.
 

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What a beautiful sweet and sour story! We explore other people by interacting with them; what we find out is usually not in line with our dreams, where asymmetry prevails. But sexuality does not have to lead to sociality, and vice versa, both have their own raison d'être. The descent from paradise is always the more challenging part of the journey. Carpe diem!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
she was probably just prodding you to see how youd react. if she was just expressing her fears that werent true it would have been your job to tell her what she said isnt true if thats how you truly felt. if it was true then she let you off easy. she must have been hurt that way before. either that or it was her way of telling you she was using you.
I told her it wasn't true.

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Sounds like maybe you guys moved too fast for her comfort.

So perhaps you can try to take it back a couple steps next date and do something else that she feels comfortable with.

She's also being emotionally open with you, from what it sounds like--so that is a vulnerability that you can build trust with, if you listen to her and you try to solve these problems so that both of you are happy.

As you said--you did want to go to cafes with her and such--then next time do that and perhaps even open up the topic and talk to her about it.

Just don't take it as "never kiss me again."

She could be more mad at herself because she moved too fast for her own boundaries. She could feel she betrayed herself. And she perhaps wanted to feel more secure than she really feels.

Sex is a very personal thing--you described how personal it is for you, but some people have also been hurt by sex before and the process can be different for them. If you really care for your sexual partner, then that includes the other parts--like their brains, and the limbic system that might say "uh oh! this was too fast! What do I do now?" And helping solve that is the kind of thing a friend would do, imo--or at least someone trustworthy and responsive, who wants more than just sex.

But I get you are sad. This is just what I thought of.

She also sounds like she could be a bit emotionally um...messed up. The stuff in the last paragraph are sort of contradictory--she moved too fast so she only wants to fuck and feel used? That is not a good solution. So if she's got bigger problems than you can handle, you also might just need to break it off for that reason. If she was just emotional in the moment and not quite making sense, you might revisit it and see if she can talk about it at a less emotional time--if she tends to be calm and rational outside of that experience.
 

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You might also ask her--after you've had some kind of nice time and started to develop a secure, emotionally open vibe in the conversation (like do something nice--show you're not going to be super emotionally reactive...show you still want to get to know her more) you could ask her if there was anything that you guys did, sexually, that she felt like was "too much" for that night?

So that way it could also help you in the future to know what sort of things some people might feel was "too much."

The choking thing--like I am just going to say that Idk how it went down, but that seems to require a lot of trust and some people would never be comfortable with that type of thing as to me it seems like it'd create conflicting emotions. Like even if you are saying you'd never hurt her, you still had your hands around her throat choking her. For some people, that would be defined as "hurting them." Not saying for her, but it's something you might want to talk about. Imo if people are intimate enough to become physically intimate like that then you can also discuss things like this--or they should be able to.
 

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And she said no. She didn't want to kiss me anymore. She just wanted to fuck me and then tell me that she doesn't want anything else with me. That we moved too fast. That she thought I was using her. I wasn't using her. I feel used. I wanted her. I wanted to go on walks with her. Take her to cafes. Spend time with her. Kiss her.
What I think is - 1.) The girl just wanted sex and nothing else. 2.) She thought that probably you must have also wanted sex. She assumed that you must have also wanted only sex. So that is what she is telling you in the end.

I think that's what has happened.
And now here you are describing it all, because you are feeling that probably you have done something wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I went to the bar, got drunk as fuck, cried on my friends' shoulder for a while. I'm home now. I still want to cry. I don't know why it hurts so much. I didn't even know her that long.

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I went to the bar, got drunk as fuck, cried on my friends' shoulder for a while. I'm home now. I still want to cry. I don't know why it hurts so much. I didn't even know her that long.

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She isn't worth your tears. You deserve a good woman. Don't cry. Let her be there for the men who only want to fuck. You aren't one of them. Sometimes people aren't made for each other.
My mom is also an esfp. And she is also unable to know the manipulation behind the surface. I would say- LEARN TO ACCEPT THIS FACT. The sooner you accept, the better it is for you. She might have appeared to have good intentions on the surface (my mom calls it "performance") but she didn't have the best intentions at her heart. Let it be. Accept the fact that people are like this only. You have to accept. Most girls aren't like this, but few can be. So it was just a bad experience for you to learn from. Next time you won't get so shocked. (As per my experience with my mom, every time you are going to be shocked 😂)
 

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Did you even determine whether she was looking for something more romantic prior to the act?

There's a reason she said "we moved too fast." It does sound like you were coming on much too strongly for her with all that intense passion and lovey dovey romanticism, when it seems like you hadn't yet reached that level of bonding to back that strong expression of love up.
You gotta be careful since that can come across as disingenuous affections meant to emotionally manipulate, or it can seem desperate; either of which can make someone feel like they're being used even if that wasn't your intention.
 

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Are you interested in trading the girls that we are dealing with?
Mine seem to meet your desires and yours seem to meet my desires.
A win-win situation.
Everyone is happy.

Head up, man, drink some vodka and fuck her one more time. And one more time. And one more time.
Maybe she falls in love, eventually.

Honestly, I think it just hurt your ego and it didn't hurt you emotionally at all. Because she made you feel strong and important just to show you right after you're actually not exactly what you thought you were.

This thing happens and you get used to it pretty quickly.

Now enjoy what you like to do, invite your ego to have fun and cheer it up.:)
 

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Imo, you should just talk to her directly about this--if there is any possibility you are compatible, then that is how you're going to figure it out.

Beating around the bush is for snakes and other spinless things like worms. Your avatar isn't a worm--don't be afraid of them either. Just talk to her honestly and see how she feels about it and let her know your feelings. You guys were intimate enough to take your clothes off, so I think you should also be able to metaphorically take them off and talk openly to each other about what you want or don't want.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Imo, you should just talk to her directly about this--if there is any possibility you are compatible, then that is how you're going to figure it out.

Beating around the bush is for snakes and other spinless things like worms. Your avatar isn't a worm--don't be afraid of them either. Just talk to her honestly and see how she feels about it and let her know your feelings. You guys were intimate enough to take your clothes off, so I think you should also be able to metaphorically take them off and talk openly to each other about what you want or don't want.
I'm not beating around the bush. I don't particularly plan on talking with her anymore. I'm just still in a lot of pain anymore.

And I didn't have sex with her all that quickly, we talked a lot, and I mean a lot. Like all day texting and going places, going on walks. Like we met up 3-4 times but also texted all day so it's not like I knew nothing about her.

But it doesn't matter anyway

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I went to the bar, got drunk as fuck, cried on my friends' shoulder for a while. I'm home now. I still want to cry. I don't know why it hurts so much. I didn't even know her that long.
You're too precious for her. I can feel your pain just by reading your posts. 😢 Most guys will be more than happy to be in your situation, so I think your feelings towards her are really genuine.

I've also fallen for girls who are like that. The experience was really painful. I was living together with her and she would always bring guys into her room. Quoting her, "Girls should sleep around while they're young and beautiful, because it's too late to regret it once we're old and nobody wants to do it with us anymore." And we come from a conservative background!

But for your case, don't worry! 🙂 Think of it this way: just by this attitude of hers alone, it has shown that both of you have a completely different outlook and values. She believes that it's fine to sleep with someone you don't have feelings for, while you think that it's a special moment for couples who has a deep level of trust.

So, you should be happy! She's giving you a chance to meet the right one, while saving you from the heartbreak that is much more painful when the relationship has progressed even further.

Of course, it takes time to comes to term with it. Take all your time you need to process this emotions. But once you close the door, make sure not to open it again.
 

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@Dr Whoresy she is bad at communicating either way.

Quoting her, "Girls should sleep around while they're young and beautiful, because it's too late to regret it once we're old and nobody wants to do it with us anymore." And we come from a conservative background!
Do you think she concluded that on her own, or because that is what some people have been telling her all her life
 

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Do you think she concluded that on her own, or because that is what some people have been telling her all her life
I believe that it's combination of both.

She was the nerdy type in high school, and didn't pay too much attention to her appearance. When she finally get to college, she started taking care of her appearance more, and got more attention from all the guys. I think that's why she suddenly felt the urge to be promiscuous- she felt that at any time she would return to her high school self, and she must make use of this limited time.

Her friends are also giving her bad influences, introducing her to guys who clearly just want to sleep around.

Either way, at the end of the day she made the decision herself, with an extremely clear intent.
 

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I've also fallen for girls who are like that. The experience was really painful. I was living together with her and she would always bring guys into her room. Quoting her, "Girls should sleep around while they're young and beautiful, because it's too late to regret it once we're old and nobody wants to do it with us anymore." And we come from a conservative background!
Well that sounds like a perfectly conservative thing to say--I don't know why it would be surprising that she comes from a conservative background with that idea.

But I agree with you--it's important to get to know someone's values surrounding sex (imo preferably before having sex with them) and relationships.

I do think there is a sliver of truth to the benefit of sexual exploration--many people are really ignorant about how those they are attracted to work. Especially young people. They can assume that a person has certain values or qualities just based on their appearance, and so get disappointed when they realize the person is an individual that they didn't bother getting to know before investing in.

Sexual and relationship experience can give someone more information to make informed choices about what they want. Rather than them making ignorant choices based on idealizing the other person. We need to have access to real information that can be gleaned by interacting with others sexually or romantically.

I have seen girls who had very limited sexual experience (and yes--from conservative backgrounds) go and cheat on a partner later because they never experimented and wonder what else is out there. I would rather know what else is out there and be happy with the partner I choose, because I have good information on who they are compared to other people.

So I don't disagree completely with her espousing wanting to have sexual experience. She probably just enjoyed casual sex though too--doesn't have to be rationalized like that. Not everyone who has casual sex are doing it so that they can be better at choosing a partner in the future...it sounds like she enjoyed having sex with many people and thought that might get harder later in life (which if she came from a conservative background and intends to then have the traditional marriage and many children, is probably true.)

But yeah--I agree though that you should get to know someone's values surrounding sex and relationships rather than just assuming they are all going to match some generalization. And perhaps this sexual experience, as sad as it was, is a good bit of information for future informed decisions.
 

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I apologize for the rant. It's useless and will probably not be interesting to anyone.

Been talking to a girl a bit. Flirting. Yesterday invited her over to my house. She was playing with my beard and I turned to kiss her and did. I've never initiated with a girl like that before, I'm always too timid but finally did. And it was beautiful. And we had sex. And it was amazing. The thing is, I'm too timid to initiate sex but once we're actually doing the deed, I'm dominant and certainly not timid. I take what I want, like it's my property...but not in a bad way, and all with consent.

Sex to me is how I show my feelings. I'm at my best when I'm having sex. It's when I can most easily show how strong my emotions actually are, as I love many people so strongly that words aren't even enough to describe them. So I use sex (with some of them). I just know that they can feel how passionate I am...how tender I touch them...how much their pleasure is important to me...how much every touch of their body brings me closer to becoming one with them...I'm getting all spiritual here but I think you understand what I mean.

I felt like my whole body was electrically charged. Everytime she touched me, I could feel exactly where it was. I love the feeling of being touched. That feeling of pure unadulterated trust and openness with someone...how they could literally do anything they want with me and I trust them to only bring me pleasure...and how she trusts me with my hands wrapped tightly around her neck, making it hard for her to breathe but her complete trust that I would never actually hurt her. How it sent shivers down my spine the way she stroked my back and my beard and my hair.. We had some foreplay for about 20 minutes. I love foreplay. I love making my partner feel good. It's the easiest time I can show them that they're important to me. Kisses everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Lots of kissing. Lots of sweet words. I love teasing them. She told me she likes it rough and I know how to be rough. I had her sit on my face and I loved the way she tensed up and moaned and grinded against my mouth. It was beautiful. I loved how she complimented my body. I loved kissing her. It was amazing. The sounds she made were delicious. I never wanted her to stop moaning. I wanted the neighbors to hear. I want to hear them all night.

And then she mounted me and rode me and told me how amazing my dick is. And I kissed her. And she came. And then I fingered her until she came again. And then we collapsed and I laid my head on her chest and went to kiss her.

And she said no. She didn't want to kiss me anymore. She just wanted to fuck me and then tell me that she doesn't want anything else with me. That we moved too fast. That she thought I was using her. I wasn't using her. I feel used. I wanted her. I wanted to go on walks with her. Take her to cafes. Spend time with her. Kiss her.

And now I'm sad.

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you my friend were fucking a whore with attachment issues and fell in love because sex is your love language. let her go if you want to get rid of the sadness. that...or the sex wasnt that great to her.....
 
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