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Discussion Starter #1
I'm sorry for the long post guys. I'm just having so many thoughts right now, and I really want him back. I'd love an outside perspective because so far I've only told one person.

We were best friends for a year, then dated for 9 months. We just recently broke up and I miss him like mad. The main issue were the silences- the gaps in communication. I'd want to talk about something N-ish, but I eventually felt like that never went over how I wanted.
When we broke up, we agreed that it felt like the pressure was off. We went back to his house and had a great time joking around and talking. We hung out later that night and had a lot of fun (besides the pain of seeing his face and thinking how handsome and sweet he is and wanting to get close).

The issues I'm questioning:

He has really low self-esteem, anxiety, and some depression. About twice a week, sometimes less or sometimes more, he gets depressed and completely shuts off. I remember a week before we broke up trying to talk to him for almost an hour. When he finally looked me in the eyes he suddenly felt better and got all energetic. I was extremely peeved, to be honest, because I felt like my efforts meant nothing since it was all so arbitrary. So then he was trying to talk to me while I was all reticent. He tried to be lighthearted but I didn't respond, which made him upset again and it all repeated.

He doesn't really interact with my friends. Like if I'm with people, he'll go into his own world and won't try to make conversation. I realize I do this too- I remember my ENFP friend talking to some people she knew. I was introduced, but didn't talk to them. I just felt like I didn't have an "in" in their conversation so I didn't try. So I do understand why he does that, but it's always so pervasive. He recently confided that he hates the fact that he has to really think about whether he can go to an event or not, how much it will drain him.

But I think that ties back with his self-esteem. A lot of times, people will try to talk to him when they don't realize he's in one of his depressed "shut off" states. He won't respond to them, and they think he's a total jerk. He feels horrible about this. He doesn't like being rude to people but he can't bring himself to respond properly. So, now he has this idea in his head that he just sucks at interaction in general and avoids it.

Then this issue has more to do with our interactions like I was saying: I'll want to discuss something more "N" but it never goes the way I want it to. Like, we can have a good time chatting about it, but I always feel like I'm the one going deeper, I'm the one looking for contradictions and implications and patterns. He can agree, and comment on it, but I feel like I bring up a point and we can talk about it, but to get to the next step I have to do it. I want to be the one being led sometimes, you know? I want to be dazzled by some new insight or challenged in my point of view.
He'll try, but I get annoyed that it's not going how I want it so I kind of deflect what he says.

So I think the main point of contention as far as compatibility goes is that last thing. The rest makes me really hurt for him, because I know it could all change if he just changed his attitudes. I know it's not that easy, but I really really really want him to be happy. He's such an amazing, unselfish, talented, beautiful person and he doesn't want to recognize that. It absolutely breaks my heart.

TL;DR: he has terrible self-esteem, I often just shut down his efforts no matter how hard he tries (though I do try to tell him how great he's doing other times), I'm an iNtuitive and he's a Sensor which is really hard when I want N conversation.

I don't know if I'm just blindsided or what. He was my first everything, and we love each other deeply. In your guys' experience, what sort of things point to an irreconcilable relationship?
 

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Do you see yourself having a future with this person? When you end things with someone you love it takes a long time to heal. Ten years after my first love I think I was pretty much over it. I had boyfriend I did not quite love but was attached to and that took years to get over too.
 

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Do yourselves a favor and type yourselves in MBTI. There's no such thing as 'just change who you are' - there either is mutual respect and acceptance for each other, or you're in for a lifetime of struggle, unless you mesh together just perfectly.

In case he an ISTP, which he very well may be (or ISTJ) while you're an introverted feeling type can cause trouble. Especially with you actually having a problem with him not living up to what you expect (that's how it comes over in the end anyway) off him. It may be that he takes no interest in your values and declines them, or turns them down as trivialities.
 

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In case he an ISTP, which he very well may be (or ISTJ) while you're an introverted feeling type can cause trouble. Especially with you actually having a problem with him not living up to what you expect (that's how it comes over in the end anyway) off him. It may be that he takes no interest in your values and declines them, or turns them down as trivialities.
You hit the nail on the head. My ex is an ISTP-- we were best friends for a year and then dated for two and a half years. I so wish I knew about MBTI during all the struggles we had and all the times I thought to myself "he can change, he just doesn't want to, or care enough." Him not being able to think about things on a deeper level or discuss his feelings with me wasn't because he didn't care enough-- it was because of the way his mind operates. You can't change that.

Ultimately, it does come down to compatibility. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you have communication troubles with. You deserve to be with someone who just "gets" you-- I think as an intuitive that's very important and you shouldn't shortchange yourself.
 

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I would be very cautious when introducing MBTI into a relationship, only because it might be the deciding factor when you either want to nurture/rekindle a relationship or give it up. Two types might not be perfect matches or really compatible according to Jungian theory, but the individuals might connect in many ways and be maturely developed in many ways. I'd still say type yourself and type him, so as to understand behaviors and preferences and approaches; MBTI can also strengthen a relationship of course.

Some of the things you said echo my fear, and part of what I've experienced, regarding the pressure of being in a relationship taking wind out of my romantic sails. I'm kind of smitten with an INxP who I suspect is an INFP, while I myself am an INTJ (borderline ISTJ or INTP)...so some of the things he does sound like things I might do and some of the problems that might arise in a possible relationship with my INFP. One thing that you won't be able to fix or work on is your SOs depression and anxiety. Until he is mentally healthy and is at peace with himself, he won't be able to share himself with another person. Allow and urge him to take time to do that, and try seeing eachother. Best of luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you all for responding. We talked things over and decided to get back together....I asked him why we felt so much better after breaking up. He said it probably had to do with the fact that we finally put it out there as an option. That it was this lingering fear in our heads that both of us refused to say, and when it finally came out it was cathartic. I definitely agree. We said we'd try to actually say what was on our minds more, rather than hoping it would go away.

Yes, he is an ISTJ and I'm an INFP. I've known this for a while but, as PseudoSenator said, I'm trying to avoid thinking about my relationship in MBTI terms. It's been going well for a while but it came up again today. I was craving that sort of conversation I was referring to and it went nowhere. Profound silence. I started crying a little. God, I don't know how to handle this. I don't have many close friends, and only one of them is an N (the ENFP).

When we talk about other things it's great. Similar senses of humor, both care about and love each other.

I've seen some people say on this website that they don't necessarily need a partner to talk about N things, since they can get that from friends. I don't know.
 
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