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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Not me specifically, but one of my relatives that I am currently living with just got robbed of her purse today.
-She had her purse on a counter today while shopping outside. She was distracted for a minute and her purse was stolen from the counter.
-She had $5,000 cash (it was mid-month pay day) in her purse that she planned to use the money to pay for bills tomorrow, but was stolen today. Along with the cash, she had a variety of credit cards, debit cards, medical cards, checkbook, and other important cards and IDs.
-She just finished calling all the banks to close her accounts/cards to prevent any further use from the thief.
-The place she was robbed in was in a good neighborhood, but the perpetrator immediately went to another county and spent $34 with her credit card (I'm thinking on gas?).

What is the rationale for stealing? Are people just plainly desperate? Needless to say, it sucks. She is a Feeler type, and this has left her in tears. I'm not sure what I can really do for her. Any suggestions?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
set her up with online banking, online bill pay and stop carrying so much damn cash on her...
She's technologically impaired. She lives in the past. Telling her to do those things does not help her right now since the crime has already happened and the money is already gone. It's quite insensitive, really, and unhelpful.
 

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She's technologically impaired. She lives in the past. Saying her to do those things does not help her right now since the money has already happened.
never too late to learn... with this episode, she'll need to change a few habits... it only takes one time, one experience to make people realize their habits, their system, their comfort levels, are inefficient and taken for granted. what happens worst case scenario going forward? need to plan for that. INTPs are cynical for a reason... what's the next course of action? well, get to planning it!
 

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Ouch, really sorry to hear that happened.

I know a lot of this seems totally obvious and common-sense (and I have trouble applying it myself), but you should never leave your stuff unattended even for a second, and I personally don't carry more than maybe $20-30 in cash since most places will take credit anyway. The cash thing is obviously up to the individual, but anything over $50 is excessive IMO. Sounds like she wasn't planning on carrying it around, but I wonder why such a large sum of money isn't being set up to an automatic deposit by her employer.

I keep doing this because I'm lazy, but I do carry my checkbook with me when the ideal advice is to only have a few blank checks at a time, so if something happens, you don't have to cancel every single one of them.

I know, heuristics, but you also can't really gauge neighborhoods as good or bad, at least not when it comes to stuff like this, because all it takes is one case (robbery, murder, etc.) for the "good" label to be insignificant to you. Some things you can't relax your guard around. Admittedly, I'm super watchful of these things; I wear a crossbody bag so it's impossible to physically grab from me, important things kept in inaccessible areas inside the bag, super-tight grip on wallet if I have to take it out, cards kept in a separate little holder that's also not easy to grab out of my hands, don't walk around too much distracted on my phone or if I am, again tight grip...

No, they're not always desperate, as un-liberal as that may be to say. I think it's mostly nurture... won't bring up my personal anecdotal examples of why I think so, but that is my opinion.

Just try to be supportive and probably don't say the stuff I just did (that's just more general advice), at least not right now. It's a hit, but none of these things are anything that can't be eventually made up for. She'll get other cards, she can make more money, etc. It's not a death or permanent injury. That's helpful to keep in mind as perspective.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Ouch, really sorry to hear that happened.

I know a lot of this seems totally obvious and common-sense (and I have trouble applying it myself), but you should never leave your stuff unattended even for a second, and I personally don't carry more than maybe $20-30 in cash since most places will take credit anyway. The cash thing is obviously up to the individual, but anything over $50 is excessive IMO. Sounds like she wasn't planning on carrying it around, but I wonder why such a large sum of money isn't being set up to an automatic deposit by her employer.
Of course it's common sense, and she knows that - but mistakes do happen to everyone. She was simply distracted for just a little while. She is self-employed, she owns her own store so she has cash.
 

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Of course it's common sense, and she knows that - but mistakes do happen to everyone. She was simply distracted for just a little while. She is self-employed, she owns her own store so she has cash.
So what kinds of suggestions are you looking for?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
So what kinds of suggestions are you looking for?
As I stated in the first post - What can I do for her right now at this moment? Besides the "I TOLD YOU SO" insensitivity that some people posted above ^
 
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As I stated in the first post - What can I do for her? Besides the "I TOLD YOU SO" insensitivity that some people posted above ^
And I responded to that, maybe you didn't see it.

They're not saying 'I told you so'.

'I told you so' looks like 'Well, it was her fault she was an idiot'. Some have been direct, but not a single person has been disrespectful so far.
 

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Just talk to her... one person to another. You can go the more supportive route "I'm sorry this happened," "If you need anything, let me know."

Or if that's too uncomfortable/unatural for you, you could go for more of a "being there for her" approach. Just being in her presence (physically or otherwise) and listening to her. Sometimes all people need is somebody to talk to - in that way, you don't really need to do anything, other than being present.

Keep in mind you may be hurting as well. Maybe you need somebody to talk to just as much as she does. That might give you a starting point to strike up a conversation with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
And I responded to that, maybe you didn't see it.

They're not saying 'I told you so'.

'I told you so' looks like 'Well, it was her fault she was an idiot'. Some have been direct, but not a single person has been disrespectful so far.
Ah yes, sorry about that. I did not see your last part. Thank you for the advice.

Maybe I have over-reacted a bit, but basically telling her that "your way of operating for the last 20 years have been completely wrong (and you've been proven wrong from this event) and you should do it my way via online because it's better" sounds a little harsh and too much for her right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Just talk to her... one person to another. You can go the more supportive route "I'm sorry this happened," "If you need anything, let me know."

Or if that's too uncomfortable/unatural for you, you could go for more of a "being there for her" approach. Just being in her presence (physically or otherwise) and listening to her. Sometimes all people need is somebody to talk to - in that way, you don't really need to do anything, other than being present.

Keep in mind you may be hurting as well. Maybe you need somebody to talk to just as much as she does. That might give you a starting point to strike up a conversation with her.
Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. If only my Fe wasn't terrible at times like this...
 
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Are you looking for what you should say to her for emotional support? I honestly don't think the INTP forum was the proper place for that. We're all robots 'member?

As far as supporting her: There's isn't much you can do. The wound is too fresh. That's a lot of hard work she lost and that's not something an "I'm sorry, let's go out to eat. My treat." can fix.

Try not to forget about it. (Not that you would.) It's just people easily dismiss something they can't personally relate to and the victim in this situation might feel alone when everyone forgot about the problem a week later. Ask her how she's managing and tell her if you've thought of any solutions.

Just try to be a positive force for her.
 
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Ah yes, sorry about that. I did not see your last part. Thank you for the advice.

Maybe I have over-reacted a bit, but basically telling her that "your way of operating for the last 20 years have been completely wrong (and you've been proven wrong from this event) and you should do it my way via online because it's better" sounds a little harsh and too much for her right now.
Oh no, I meant that was just good to remember broadly, and for anyone that happened to see it... No, I don't think it's helpful to give that technical kind of advice to her at this moment.

Yeah, just talk to her and be there physically for her if you can, as others said. Not much you can really do to directly address the issue though; she has to file the reports and cancel the cards and everything on her own...
 

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Who gets paid $5,000 in cash, puts it in her purse, and then leaves that purse on the counter unattended for even a millisecond?

I'm sorry, it might be harsh, but she brought this on herself. If this is routinely how she handles her money, she is lucky that this hasn't happened to her already. Unfortunately, nothing can be done to recover the cash apart from catching the thief and hoping they haven't already gone on a shopping spree. But unless the thief does something incredibly stupid it is unlikely she will ever see him or her money again. I would highly recommend she get direct deposit or at the very least get paid by check or money order and immediately deposit the money. If she still insists on carrying that much cash on her person she needs to get a locked briefcase handcuffed to her person and be packing some serious firepower state and local laws permitting.

There has always been people who have chosen to create wealth for themselves and those who choose to use their skills to take wealth from others. When it is easier to take wealth than to work for it by honest means, things like thieving and plundering become common place. All this person had to do was grab an unattended purse and walk out the door for 5k in cash along with credit cards etc. If it were always that easy and that rewarding, hell even I might be tempted haha. Everyone should do themselves and society a favor and be ready to defend and safeguard themselves and their possessions from unlawful activity.

But hey who knows maybe the thief was so shocked that there was that much money in the purse that he had a heart attack and some INTP living in a van down by the river happened upon the money . . .
 

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Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. If only my Fe wasn't terrible at times like this...
No problem. :happy:

I wouldn't undersell yourself on the Fe end of things. Functionally, Fe is supposedly all but nonexistent in my stack (I identify as INTJ) but that doesn't stop me from sitting and listening to people when I feel it's necessary.

I wouldn't worry about approaching it the "right" way with the "right" skillset. If she appreciates you, then she'll probably appreciate you reaching out by its own virtues, no matter what that entails.
 
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That sucks.. I hope your friend recovers from it financially. My sister and her bf experienced something similar just a few weeks ago. He drives a CLA250, but was in the process of moving, so he had roughly ~$9000 worth of belongings, from $300+ pairs of Jordans, genuine RayBans to expensive $500+ watches and my sister's wallet ( credit cards, cash, debit, SSN, DL). Funny thing is that he locked his car before going to play basketball. The thief somehow managed to get in without triggering the alarm, NOR damaging the car in any way. Its as if she can go through walls. As of right now, there's a warrant out for her arrest, but I highly doubt the PD is actively looking for her. What's more frustrating is that the thief sold a few pairs of those Jordans as a fire sale, selling them for $90 a pair on this cellphone app.

But yeah, even Mercedes aren't exempt to being burglarized. This'll makes you 2nd guess your dream car lol.
 

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She's technologically impaired. She lives in the past. Telling her to do those things does not help her right now since the crime has already happened and the money is already gone. It's quite insensitive, really, and unhelpful.
Well be sensitive about it, but at the end of the day you need to basically let the truth be known and then let it go.

Tell her the benefits of a change, explain the negative consequences and possibilities of not changing, and then leave it up to her.

But also tell her that it hurts you when she is hurt due to her rigidness and lack of will to change. It's not fair for family members to have to worry about her being vulnerable when she has it in her ability to learn and change.
 

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Oh, hey, look at that! Victim-blaming in a thread not about rape... what a refreshing twist!


Minimally comforting though it may be, if the thief is eventually caught and convicted, she has a right to restitution. For whatever that is worth.
 
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