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I had an epiphany a few hours ago. Not all of my epiphanies are that great, but this one ranks right up next to my best one, where I realized that everyone is an awkward human and therefore they're more concerned about what they're looking like rather than what you're looking like. This epiphany was.... wait for it...

"The reason I'm so perpetually alone is because I refuse to let anyone see the real side of me."

Wow. That was kind of a shock I had to recover from because I realized it was so true. There's very few people I've ever been around that I truly feel like I can be myself and not give a shit. In fact, I just met one a few weeks ago. I've opened myself up to this person (and I sincerely hope they don't fuck it up.) I've actually been able to show exactly who I am.

It's hard to define, even now, who I "exactly" am. I just know that I'm different around people that I feel comfortable enough with opening up to. Everything I do is just one of my many masks that I wear much too often. There's a more fragile side to me, which I guess is understandable.

I suppose I'm just perplexed by all of my masks. Around the larger group of my friends, I'm more brash and loud. Even with some of my friends one-on-one I'm kind of brash and loud. There's very few people who can catch me in a "real" moment. Those "real" moments are probably most likely when I'm staring out a window at the weather if I like it. That side of me is a lot more... toned down. Less sarcastic, less cynical, more open, and my energy is lighter.

I'm perplexed because I don't understand why it has to be so hard to be myself all the time. I'm sure other people are perplexed by the same thing. Maybe it's because our true selves have to be found by others, rather than shown.
 
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