here. So I'm not really sure who cares but I do know some people have been talking to me about this so I wanted to give an update.
It's been a hellish year, I'll say that. I took 3 high level math classes and a physics class this semester along with my research lab and being a math and physics tutor. This semester was a big one, not just credential wise but also mentally. I wanted to do well to prove to myself that I can meet my expectations, that I actually have the willpower to do it.
I'm waiting on one last class for the grade to come in, but I'll likely end up with my highest GPA yet in college. I got offered a teaching assistant position for next year for my department, and if everything goes well I'll be a NASA employee when I graduate.
In that topic I more or less covered everything about facing a crappy child abuse home life, not being able to socialize with anyone, being bullied hardcore my whole life and having this huge desire to escape it all and the negative feelings in my past, and why going after my dream of becoming an astronaut meant so much.
Every year in college, after the year I couldn't relax. I didn't meet my expectations someway, and I just grew more agitated, more determined to go after my dreams, because those were the only things keeping me alive back then.
And for the first time I feel like I can relax. This past week I've been spending time with my friends who started this journey from the beginning and even though I wasn't physically there many times this year, I could still feel our friendship It ended up being a really emotional week since many of them are graduating, but it was a good one.
I used to get teased but I didn’t care, because my older sister had been calling me an idiot my whole life. I thought: ‘Yell at me all you want, I’m going to use you for all the knowledge you have.’ Pretty soon, I was yelling right back at them.”
and this facebook comment: I love this because my brothers and father used to call me an idiot my whole life, now I have a PhD and am a professor. I used the sticks and stones to build a road outta there!
And going back to my rationale of why I'm going to my high school reunion. It isn't to brag off how accomplished I am. I'm down to reconnect and forgive. I'm going because it'll feel like I can come back to a past that I felt trauma from and say that I'm strong enough to look it in the eye and not be scared. That a lot of those negative connotations back then were wrong and I was strong enough to beat. Likewise I don't think there's anything wrong with using negativity in your life, because it's as natural as anger, and as long as both are controlled and used in a healthy manner it's a good thing, and if you're going to be critical of it, just be critical every time some one else does it, including yourself.
But I do just wanted to give thanks to the friends I made here. It truly feels like my dream of becoming an astronaut doesn't have to be a delusion anymore. That it can be a legitimate dream, and that help me felt the one thing that I wanted to feel my whole life. That I can reclaim my life and I can be happy. Well that was my update. If anyone wants to talk and chill sometime on here, let me know! I'll always be down.