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Hi,

So every now and then (hard to say, but maybe once every couple months, for a few hours at a time) I will feel what could possibly be hypomania. I become extremely excited, feel a bit agitated, nervous, like I need to get out of my head and go running, I'll feel like suddenly all the awesome shit about my life has been revealed and I marvel with excitement over it, but over all of this is a sense of fear. None of this is experienced fully, because it is all stifled by the fear that I am experience a manifestation of bipolar II or some other potentially dangerous (or just dooming, as in it will be lifelong) mood disorder. But, most of the times I experience this are after I hung out with a friend I really enjoyed (oddly enough, both times I remember this happening were with INTJs), and if I look back there was a sugary thing I ate with them. But the hyper feeling persists for an hour-a few hours afterwards, which makes me wonder if a sweet treat and a fun friend can produce an effect lasting that long. Perhaps it's just all my (positive/energetic) emotions leaking out, since most of the time I feel calm and pretty close to neutral. I would say that I also often am a bit depressed, in the sense of feeling tired, irritable, pessimistic, etc.. Could these things because just dietary, sleep related, or something similar that could be remedied? Or does this sound like a mood disorder? Even though I most often am so unmotivated (tired, etc.) that I slack off intensely, I get all my work done and am generally successful in my endeavors (even though I also am quite a loner, which could potentially signify social problems).

I have had a severe fear of mental illness since I was about 15 and anything that brings me out of what I understand freaks me out. I can define anxiety, I can define depression, I can "define" experiences that seem "schizoid" or "OCD," and all of those definitions feel safe, not dooming, etc.. But when I get like this the only definition that I can even loosely grasp onto is bipolar II and I don't like that because that diagnosis carries a high risk of suicide (for the record, I frequently have suicidal thoughts but never wish to carry them out--I am quite content with living out my days). Even though I am ultimately in control of my life, these things that are hard to define threaten to pull me out of control and I can't let that be a possibility.

So... without further babble, does anything I'm saying sound like the sign of a mood disorder? Really, stark honesty is appreciated. I want to know.

Thank you.
 
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