another interesting thing, I hardly touch anybody, and I have autism, and often don't like to be touched in a certain way or for people to be in my personal space. I guess I'm surrounded by lots of people I don't care for irl and only have very few people i actually love. like my two best friends, (although one of them i can't touch cause he lives far away and has no chance of getting here any time soon). my mother, and strangely, my sister, but i also believe i pictured myself with a romantic partner and touching and got all excited. but then again, my other best friend lives most of the time far away and i imagined hugging him, so that could work, too. quality time im not questioning, especially when paired with touching. there's nothing i would love better than to snuggle with someone on the couch watching avrupa yakasi (a turkish comedy from the good old days of turkey in the 21st century before it became authoritarian and divided), and possibly under a blanket, with her head on my chest and us laughing our butts off and my hand stroking her hair. but unfortunately i hardly have love in my life other than from my best friend who lives in this country. and that's only on the phone. and i could only accomplish the previous feat through marriage due to the permanent course religion has set for me, in other words, there's no going back or middle path. if i tried it, i fear that with my impulsivity i might go nuts. so religious beliefs beliefs means id have to wait until marriage and that's not happening any time soon. EDIT: Not to mention i live at home with my mother and brother and have no job so it would be awkward cuddling on the couch with her, and if i went to her place........i dont know whatll happen.