Personality Cafe banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
As part of a hopefully ongoing chapter on self improving myself id like to get some insight into something thats been bothering/hindering me for quite some time now.

How on Earth can you learn to love yourself?

Only reason i ask is ive heard it is a good tool to socialise with providing you dont come across as too arrogant (a little should be fine :) ). I have always had this little problem of not feeling too good about myself and i often put myself down but it does me no good, its not like anyone can help me because of it, best thing to do is snap out of it. I have tried a few methods like listing things that i think are good about myself but i often come up with 'nothing much' and it doesnt seem to help. Are there other techniques one can employ?

Its about time i started feeling awesome about myself and i dont want to troll the Earth like im looking for sympathy in every situation just because i cant feel good about myself for the rest of my life. Just from some of the posts ive read here i know there is a whole wealth of fantastic intelligent folk whose insight im keen to tap into. I feel i might get some good info here because i dont really have people i can talk to about things like this elsewhere.

Thanks in advance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,713 Posts
Love/value yourself = life is good/more enjoyable
Do not love/value yourself = life is not good/enjoyable

Pick the life you want.

I'm not trying to be douchey here, this is just my personal philosophy so take it for what you want. My bottom line is, valuing my life is a purely subjective choice. Being such, there is no reason to try and hold it to the kinds of standards you would an objective decision. Thus there is no need for proof, or reasons, or outside confirmation to value yourself. You just choose to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Love/value yourself = life is good/more enjoyable
Do not love/value yourself = life is not good/enjoyable

Pick the life you want.

I'm not trying to be douchey here, this is just my personal philosophy so take it for what you want. My bottom line is, valuing my life is a purely subjective choice. Being such, there is no reason to try and hold it to the kinds of standards you would an objective decision. Thus there is no need for proof, or reasons, or outside confirmation to value yourself. You just choose to.
I agree, this i why i would like to change. Only problem is is how i am able to value something. It usually depends on outside sources, even though i know it really shouldnt. For example (and its a daft example but all i got on the fly and are more to do with the outside than insideso bare with me) if fifty people called me fat i wouldnt believe it, i know im not and thats that. Its not subjective its fairly measurable based on height and a few other factors so im ok with that. If enough women threw themselves at your feet you could say you were handsome despite there isnt anything measurable for how good someone looks its just something some people like and some dont and you happen to be good looking if more people say or act like you are than arent. For some reason my self worth for certain factors relies on other peoples actions or lack of action, or the things they say and it shouldnt be that way. I want to say F that, this is who i am and im fine with it. I believe this confidence will be more useful in getting what i want from life and would like to hear other peoples experiences (particulalry INTJ's) of times they were not happy about either one or many aspects of themselves and learned to get over themselves and love what they are, or even change it to something they could love.

Forgive the very ambigous way of writing but i am a) a terrible writer, b) a bad metaphor user, c) hopeless at getting my point across and d) not very brief. Hopefully more details can come out as and when necessary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,713 Posts
Well, I'm not sure my process can or should be applied to others, because thus far it has consisted of getting to the point of being miserable, and then getting fed up with being miserable, and so choosing to value myself regardless of whatever limitation was making me miserable. I am not here (alive) to be miserable, I won't accept it, so when I am miserable the "F this" switch flips and I figure out whatever choice/decision needs to be made in order not to be miserable. In this case it was choosing to value myself even though no one else does in the manner I was looking for. But I do not recommend bouts of miserableness to anyone, so I do not know if what I have said here has been of any use.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
But I do not recommend bouts of miserableness to anyone, so I do not know if what I have said here has been of any use.
I have to be honest with you its what i do too, only i cant switch off what im not happy about like a switch. So when i get fed up of being miserable i dont just say "stop that" and start being awesome. I try to get a little constructive after being a little self destructive which is my primary nature, only i know of no methods for building confidence through learning to accept faults and highlighting the good stuff.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
255 Posts
Maybe, stop learning, how to love yourself, instead focus on what you like to do and put energy in developing skills needed for leveraging those passions to the fullest? If you don't know, then it's time for introspection but the list of what-I-like-about-myself seems to be a bit narcissistic activity and wasting time, sorry.

Something for a perfectionist ;)

Be The Best Whatever You Are
by Douglas Malloch

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill
Be a scrub in the valley--but be
The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass,
And some highway some happier make;
If you can't be a muskie then just be a bass--
But the liveliest bass in the lake!

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew,
There's something for all of us here.
There's big work to do and there's lesser to do,
And the task we must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway then just be a trail,
If you can't be the sun be a star;
It isn't by size that you win or you fail--
Be the best of whatever you are!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
128 Posts
Let other people's negativity roll off your back. If it's a stranger, when are you ever going to see them again?

If you want to go the extra mile, mess with their heads.
May not be the healthiest way, but it's hard to love yourself when you're worried about whether or not others accept you. Who cares? They're not the one living your life, they shouldn't be the one deciding what you do or don't do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,713 Posts
Sometimes it helps to remember that ultimately nothing matters, so if you're going to bother being alive you might as well be as happy as you can be for the duration. Your faults don't matter, your good stuff doesn't matter, not unless you decide it matters, which means you can also decide that it doesn't matter. Basically, if you choose to make things like other's opinions important to your own self valuing, you're choosing to be miserable when those opinions don't show up.

I dunno, I can see myself being in a different state of mind and reading what I just wrote and calling it bullshit. But I literally just went through this the night before last and that's how it panned out for me. And that's how it's panned out in the past too. When I've hit rock bottom "there's no point in living like this anymore" miserable, I have to choose to live or not. And the only support for choosing to live is to also choose to do whatever it takes to make that living happier. That has meant making a hard and fast decision to reject the mental frameworks that the misery was based upon. So the result is much like flipping a switch, but the statement "flipping a switch" ignores everything it took just to get to that switch.

For me, "everything it took to get to the switch" means hitting rock bottom miserable. Which, again, I don't recommend to anyone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,606 Posts
thread title misleading ;P


self confidence class??



mmm.. better edit this before I get pointed and laughed at.

some need "a Class" to go to in order to study a topic, when the topic is "your own self worth" it can be a difficult study, maybe if you are struggling on your own a class will help you focus like its just another project.

love the you you are, there is no other like it! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,149 Posts
Maybe you need to videotape yourself day to day for while, highlight the exes and oh's like they do in football after every sunday and go over the film. Maybe then you could formulate a plan on how to love yourself. Alright, INTJ team everyone hug themselves on three...
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lloydy

·
Registered
Joined
·
581 Posts
As part of a hopefully ongoing chapter on self improving myself id like to get some insight into something thats been bothering/hindering me for quite some time now.

How on Earth can you learn to love yourself?

Only reason i ask is ive heard it is a good tool to socialise with providing you dont come across as too arrogant (a little should be fine :) ). I have always had this little problem of not feeling too good about myself and i often put myself down but it does me no good, its not like anyone can help me because of it, best thing to do is snap out of it. I have tried a few methods like listing things that i think are good about myself but i often come up with 'nothing much' and it doesnt seem to help. Are there other techniques one can employ?

Its about time i started feeling awesome about myself and i dont want to troll the Earth like im looking for sympathy in every situation just because i cant feel good about myself for the rest of my life. Just from some of the posts ive read here i know there is a whole wealth of fantastic intelligent folk whose insight im keen to tap into. I feel i might get some good info here because i dont really have people i can talk to about things like this elsewhere.

Thanks in advance.
More so than any other type, INTJs operate on Ni, Introverted Intuition. It's a complex, vast mental framework which is able to take in new information and establish complex connections.

Problem is, it can completely take over to the point where all other functions exist to solely to feed and assist Ni. This makes receiving external input an arduous task, by which the INTJ must take said information and process it, and put it into proper context in the mental framework.

INTJs tend to bypass this process by rejecting a lot of external ideas. They do so in a lot of ways but mainly by drawing conclusions based on histotical patterns, which makes it very easy to reject the idea. An example of this would be like saying to an INTJ "I'm not going to do X." and the INTJ rejects that idea by saying "You have done X before. You're very likely to do X again."

Not to say that you shouldnt trust your intuition or further develop it, quite the contrary. However, INTJs sometimes have a hard time taking things case by case, considering all the variables, and properly digesting information before drawing a conclusion.

This causes them to often "miss the point" entirely, alienating and even sabotaging relationships with other people. People don't like to be judged harshly, and Ni can be extremely (and unfairly) judgmental.

Before you make a quick judgment call, stop and think "Have I thought this through and considered all the variables?" only then can you make an informed decision where you're not unnecessarily pushing people away from you.

Sometimes its hard to understand the value of external ideas from other people. As an INFP, even I struggle to understand 'the point'. But others strong in your auxillary, tertiary, and inferior functions can help you to develop them more and help you to become a happier, healthier person.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lloydy

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,891 Posts
Self-love is a vast area to tackle and these sorts of emotions can be difficult to impact out of the blue. I'd approach this issue from another direction and instead start by focusing on changing behaviours.

Here's an example... You write of putting yourself down in front of others - that your lack of self-love causes you to do this and this, in turn, doesn't help you make friends & influence people. Discipline yourself to not disparage yourself in public. It might be a hard habit to break, but it's absolutely manageable. Once you stop letting others know that you think you're a loser, some will start behaving differently towards you and that change might make you feel a bit more self-acceptance and, dare I say it?, even love.

Here's another example. Imagine a person who genuinely loves himself. He's not arrogant or egotistical - he just truly loves himself, perceived flaws and all. What behaviours does he exhibit? Well, he probably takes himself to the gym or does a sport a few times/week because he cares enough about himself to maintain a certain level of fitness. He tries to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night and hangs out with friends who treat him with kindness and respect. He avoids @ssholes and trash-talkers. He rarely over-does it with the booze/drugs. etc. Why not try to take on the behaviours of someone who loves himself? I know it sounds simplistic, but there's a lot to show that the "fake it 'til you make it" behaviours can lead to a change in feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
953 Posts
But you can't just "love yourself" until you know who you really are. Start by giving a little less of a shit about people and their bigotry and just do and say as you feel comfortable doing and saying.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lloydy

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Let other people's negativity roll off your back. If it's a stranger, when are you

ever going to see them again?

If you want to go the extra mile, mess with their heads.
May not be the healthiest way, but it's hard to love yourself when you're worried about whether or not others

accept you. Who cares? They're not the one living your life, they shouldn't be the one deciding what you do or

don't do.
Its not so much what people say or do, however i think that that is important. I really cant be arsed being on my own anymore. I have some good friends who can tolerate me in small doses and to be honest id like to have a little more human interaction and part of that may mean becoming a more interesting person, part of it may mean becoming more of an agreeable person - agreeable in the sense that im a bit more likeable. I have already improved myself dramatically over the years as i now bite my tongue and the side of my cheek a lot more often instead of saying the first sarcastic uncalled for response that comes to mind when someone is being silly, so i know i am improving. I do care what people think because other people are what makes you not feel lonely, i get enough time on my own to recharge and god help me if i dont get my alone time but after growing up with a complete mistrust of humankind (thanks mum) that borderlined on hatred i came to realise that this is not the way to be. People can be fun, people can be very nice to be around; this does not apply to everyone of course as some people are boring, dull or assholes but there are so many opportunities for sharing some happiness with people and i dont really want to miss out. If i love myself, people will accept me a little more than they already do, every single damn self help book i have ever read or every peice of advise on that subject i have ever heard has contained that phrase - there must be truth in it :)

For me, "everything it took to get to the switch" means hitting rock bottom miserable. Which, again, I don't

recommend to anyone.
I dont really know how to write this but your posts are very good to read as i feel your a few stages ahead of what i feel or have felt in the past. I too have hit rock bottom a fair few times before but when i do i dont really come out of it all that much stronger so im sure i am missing something in this quest for personal growth. I always say "you know what fuck what people think, fuck what people are, fuck em all, im me and thats good enough for people or its not." then i go back to almost everything i was before and it doesnt really help trying to convince myself that anyway.

thread title misleading ;P

self confidence class??
Ha, yes i can see how that came across. Thing is i think that self confidence is built through many different

things, one of which is learning to love and accept who you are so i was merely breaking it down a little :)

Self-love is a vast area to tackle and these sorts of emotions can be difficult to impact out of the blue. I'd approach this issue from another direction and instead start by focusing on changing behaviours.
At the moment i am currently focusing on changing certain behaviours and have been for some time; what i want to do is do this at the same time. So i not only want to change a little of what i am but also learn to love it.

This sounds a bit counter productive but for some reason i think it will help. I want to make this part of the

changing behaviours. The bottom half of your post was very nice to read as it is mostly what i already do. Working out a little, taking care of myself as best i can (except when i am in a bit of a self destructive phase but at the moment this is not the case as i feel fine, just incomplete).

This. Your life, your control. At the very least, you can choose how you feel about your life. Ball's in your court.
I have heard this many times before. Cognitive behavioural therapy (something i studied for a while to see if it was worth me going into) teaches the same value. You have more control over how you feel about what happens to you than you realise. Now the only problem i had with this and please be gentle with me here as i mean no disrespect but if someone i am close to dies i dont think i truely get a choice over how i feel about it. If i didnt feel as bad as i was expecting to feel and wanted to feel worse, or the opposite and felt really bad but didnt want to feel bad anymore i dont think i could. I think i would feel how i feel and would just have to let that pass. Now maybe thats me being silly because thats an extreme circumstance.

> Rationalize feelings
> Associate emotion and physical action and/or stance/posture with statement produced from rationalization
> Repeat until it becomes an unconscious thought / emotion (physical manifestation of thought)
> Win at life
Love this post :) If i could just break it down into some form of instruction manual with step by step guides with pictures id be set!

But you can't just "love yourself" until you know who you really are. Start by giving a little less of a shit about people and their bigotry and just do and say as you feel comfortable doing and saying.
I know and agree here but i have spent so long trying to figure out who i am and came to the conclusion that it may be a while before i figure that out. What i sort of know is what i want which is one of the prequistites of finding out who you are so i have that going for me. What i want to do is be as happy as i can be. I know i can do this by getting more of what i want. What i want is a mix of having better relationships with people i already know, and finding a significant other to share some of lifes better moments with. Now to do this i think i have to make myself more appealing. I cant change the physical all that much but a bit of self confidence will let new people i meet see me in a different light than they do (i often leave a bad first impression no matter how hard i try, people - especially members of the opposite sex - sometimes literally recoil at my approach, there is something wrong with that.) If i can fine tune a few things about myself AND learn a bit of self love i think i would be quite appealing really as im not a bad person to know as a friend or lover, im a genuinely nice guy. Just a few flaws that let me down but im working on them too.

Thanks for the input so far folks, its all good stuff and im taking notes :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
953 Posts
I know and agree here but i have spent so long trying to figure out who i am and came to the conclusion that it may be a while before i figure that out. What i sort of know is what i want which is one of the prequistites of finding out who you are so i have that going for me. What i want to do is be as happy as i can be. I know i can do this by getting more of what i want. What i want is a mix of having better relationships with people i already know, and finding a significant other to share some of lifes better moments with. Now to do this i think i have to make myself more appealing. I cant change the physical all that much but a bit of self confidence will let new people i meet see me in a different light than they do (i often leave a bad first impression no matter how hard i try, people - especially members of the opposite sex - sometimes literally recoil at my approach, there is something wrong with that.) If i can fine tune a few things about myself AND learn a bit of self love i think i would be quite appealing really as im not a bad person to know as a friend or lover, im a genuinely nice guy. Just a few flaws that let me down but im working on them too.

Thanks for the input so far folks, its all good stuff and im taking notes :)
Hey, remember MBTI and Cognitive theory doesn't teach everything. Sometimes it's just up to you.

PS Flaws are just traits that you've neglected, don't neglect them more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Hey, remember MBTI and Cognitive theory doesn't teach everything. Sometimes it's just up to you.

PS Flaws are just traits that you've neglected, don't neglect them more.
Thats true and i dont always expect to find every answer here, its just nice to vent here with people because outside these forums i dont have anyone except a brick wall and a potato to learn from. The inspiration from here helps as there are a lot of very insightful folk on here so as long as no-one minds i might keep popping the odd question out there to see what responses i get. Then hopefully i can add this to what i know and possibly do something useful with it.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top