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Discussion Starter #1
One of the issues that keeps reoccurring with the INFP I'm dating is she sees me as being too charming to ladies we meet. My attractive female friends and attractive women in the service industry, like waitresses, primarily. The thing is I'm 1.) not trying, just being me and 2.) she's an INFP so I thought she'd be more trusting being a kindred spirit.

I'm sure this has come up before on this thread, but I guess time for some fresh voices. Have you been accused of being a flirt by your significant other and how did you deal with it?
 

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I personally wouldn't change myself to fit someone's paranoia. I know that she has her reasons but unless you are actually flirting with these women then the root of the problem isn't you.

Would you cut out interacting with other women for her?

I don't know how anyone can have the consciousness and stamina to constantly question how they communicate with someone when it's so ingrained. This is something that she would have to guide you with. If she can pinpoint what it is that makes her think you are flirting then you can consciously check in on yourself and not do those things. If she can't pinpoint anything then I don't know what you are doing besides communicating with women. Everyone has their limits in relationships in regards to jealousy and that's unique to the person on how they define it but at the end of the day this is about whether or not she trusts that you aren't flirting with these women.

Personally I prefer dating a partner where flirting is a part of friendly conversation with friends but that's because I can see the difference in intent. I enjoy seeing my partners have that teasing and closeness with their friends even but I'm abnormal in my liberty there.
 

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Not been accused of being a flirt by SO or anybody else but if they know your actual feelings and that you don't have any hidden agenda behind their back what could be the problem? :) Good partner would distinct if there's a reason to suspect anything or not so I'd say it's not your personal issue. "First world" pseudo-problems :) Any kind of smothering and suppression would eventually lead ENFP to being unhappy, seen that enough in my life :)
 

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I worry about that myself but I could *never change myself to suit others like that. If I felt like I couldn't be warm and kind and jokey with everyone, then I would quickly get pretty depressed. My INTJ friend is kind of a flirt, but he's happily married and loves his wife to pieces. I asked him once how he deals with it and he says that he's just very open with her about everything - how he feels about people and if he does have a mild crush on someone. I think because of that, she trusts him completely. She's also a pretty trusting person (ISFJ), so that helps. I think that my ideal would always to be completely open with my SO and try to understand what it is that makes them insecure. If it's anything I can change, I will change it. If not, I will try to reassure them in other ways that they're special to me.
 

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I’m actually insecure about my INFP husband and he doesn’t flirt, but I am insecure. I’m insecure from whatever childhood and young adult experiences I have and I worry about things he might leave me over that at 15 years of marriage I maybe should be past and it takes a lot of work for me to see this as insecurity in me and not things he has done to make me feel insecure. Actually he has done plenty that for me in my insecurity (I guess) gives me “reasons” to feel insecure—- but I know that is on top of the other things from childhood.

Anyway, talk to her about it. See how she feels. Find out her worries. Like a big one of mine is that my husband will get sick of me not cleaning like an SFJ and leave me. But it’s funny what some people leave people for. Stuff we wouldn’t do...

I will go talk to my therapist about it... at this point I can’t tell if my insecurity is me and my past and my self esteem or if he is and has been giving me causes to worry. I do tend to get the feeling that I have to be it all and do it all or else everything will go to heck..,
 
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:laughing:

This has literally been the demise of every single time I've ever dated/got with an INFP.

I've essentially boiled it down to a particular pattern of thought on their part: they get drawn in by the way that you make them feel like the most special person in the world. The problem is that if they want that for the long term, they need to accept that I need to stay happy and be free to be myself and have them accept and trust that side of me. Otherwise, if I try to restrict myself to stay in line with keeping them feel like I'm only theirs, I will end up unhappy, and they're not going to want me if I'm restricted and depressed. That's just the way it works. In my head, I would drop everyone for them on a dime, but obviously I can't tell a girl I haven't been dating that long this.

One of the biggest mistakes I used to make when I was younger especially was that I thought because the INFP and I had such an "obviously special connection" that I thought was self-evident and spoke for itself, I would disregard the above notion and just act freely. Then, inevitably, the INFP ends up with some hurt look on her face, which confuses me, and of course she withdraws to process it, then the next time I see her things feel different. She's come to some conclusion in her mind. And so the steep decline begins. Completely unfair. But again, I think the onus is on the guy, especially as an extrovert, to find the solutions and initiate.

I think the advice I'd give to myself all those times, and the approach I will be taking next time I'm in the situation, is to communicate. Of course, it should be handled delicately, but just spell out exactly how things are in your own head, and how much she means to you. Don't hold back, just be completely honest, although obviously tread that line carefully according to where you are at with her.

If she says OK, the long term reward is pretty much the jackpot (though continuous maintenance will probably be required). If she is uncomfortable with it- well it wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway.
 

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my daughter's father was VERY charming to cashiers, waitresses and such. I adored it. It sure beat when he was negative counting the times how the table of ladies said: "like"... so I had rather him be a gentleman, over a dick. But when he was a dick, sometimes that was funny as well, when geared toward the people who warranted it.
 

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It used to be that I would talk to them about something that I didn't have to talk to them about. Or I would learn their name. I have gotten a little better since then.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Would you cut out interacting with other women for her?

I don't know how anyone can have the consciousness and stamina to constantly question how they communicate with someone when it's so ingrained. .
She has major trust issues from past relationships, many of them valid though not because her exes were 'flirts'.

No, I am not willing to give up interacting with attractive women for her. Some of my closest (platonic) female friends are very physically attractive and popular women but they also are key parts of my life because these particular women give me the straight goods and hold me to my bullshit if I ever fall into it. I couldn't give up the priceless place they hold in my life just because they happen to be 'hot'.

The issue with my INFP, who's very attractive herself, is that she asked me straight up on our second date if I'm seen as charming and get lots of attention from attractive women. At the risk of sounding very cocky, which I do not intend to be, the answer was 'Would you believe me if I said absolutely?' to her and she admitted she knew it was true. And honestly most of the women I do date would be considered very attractive.

So she intuits that and gets more scared that I'll be drawn like a moth to a flame to the next hotter girl that comes along. Part of that is I'm 33, she's 35, and she's only the third girl ever (in my 20 first dates in the past 5 months) that was 30 or over. She's brought up age a couple times, even though it isn't important to me.

I keep telling her, truthfully now that we're official, that I only have eyes for her and wouldn't cheat on her. I wouldn't, it's not my nature, but I guess the only way to show her is action.
 

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She has major trust issues from past relationships, many of them valid though not because her exes were 'flirts'.

No, I am not willing to give up interacting with attractive women for her. Some of my closest (platonic) female friends are very physically attractive and popular women but they also are key parts of my life because these particular women give me the straight goods and hold me to my bullshit if I ever fall into it. I couldn't give up the priceless place they hold in my life just because they happen to be 'hot'.

The issue with my INFP, who's very attractive herself, is that she asked me straight up on our second date if I'm seen as charming and get lots of attention from attractive women. At the risk of sounding very cocky, which I do not intend to be, the answer was 'Would you believe me if I said absolutely?' to her and she admitted she knew it was true. And honestly most of the women I do date would be considered very attractive.

So she intuits that and gets more scared that I'll be drawn like a moth to a flame to the next hotter girl that comes along. Part of that is I'm 33, she's 35, and she's only the third girl ever (in my 20 first dates in the past 5 months) that was 30 or over. She's brought up age a couple times, even though it isn't important to me.

I keep telling her, truthfully now that we're official, that I only have eyes for her and wouldn't cheat on her. I wouldn't, it's not my nature, but I guess the only way to show her is action.
I guess that question about if you are perceived as charming was part of the test to reassure her of your loyalty. Almost sounds like she wants a guy who is not desired but desirable to her which might be a paradox.

I wonder if that arrogance gave you "player" status in her eyes though — don't get me wrong, that arrogance is great but maybe tone it down for her sake, exercise humility. Saying you won't cheat on her is all very well and good but a cheater would say the same thing so it's hardly reassuring enough. Unsure what action would prove that loyalty.

Failing to see how age is an issue or do you just usually prefer girls in their 20s?

I can't relate to this woman so I keep attempting to come up with solutions with no idea what the impact would be.
 
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Discussion Starter #15
I guess that question about if you are perceived as charming was part of the test to reassure her of your loyalty. Almost sounds like she wants a guy who is not desired but desirable to her which might be a paradox.

I wonder if that arrogance gave you "player" status in her eyes though — don't get me wrong, that arrogance is great but maybe tone it down for her sake, exercise humility. Saying you won't cheat on her is all very well and good but a cheater would say the same thing so it's hardly reassuring enough. Unsure what action would prove that loyalty.

Failing to see how age is an issue or do you just usually prefer girls in their 20s?

I can't relate to this woman so I keep attempting to come up with solutions with no idea what the impact would be.
You're bang on in most respects. She wants a guy who is desirable to her but not desired.
The arrogance and words can't reassure her.

Girls 27-29 just seem to prefer me and I them though age isn't a conscious decision.

We'll see how it goes, thanks for the insight bud (it was legit good).
 
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