Revenge is an Eight's identity (ego-venge) You'll need to go deeper than Palmer to get to it. You need to understand why. I suggest Naranjo's description of 8's (now in the stickies) and then Almaas's Facets of Unity. If you wanna do it right, go all the way. None of the fluffy stuff or self-help Enneagram books will help you.
Good advice.
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I need something in addition to self-help. I've booked an appointment to see a psychologist. I'm tired of hearing romantic partners tell me that they are afraid of me. Before self-awareness it didn't phase me one bit but with self-awareness I know if I don't get to the root cause of my crazies then I will never have a successful romantic relationship.
Before self-awareness I would put the blame on them....numb myself up...find something else to invest my energy in and keep it moving and just tell myself....lived without you before and I can live without you now....I don't need anyone....came in this world alone will leave alone. Then would restructure my life mentally and physically in such a way the person was just a fleeting memory along with whatever I felt for them. I could do this so well that I wouldn't even be able to identify with any feelings of care and/or concern for the person...it's like I could completely disassociate in a way that the person really was dead to me for all intents and purposes.
I find the revenge part of my personality to be deep rooted .... often times I'm not aware I even do it. If someone had told me before coming to the Enneagram that I did this I would have denied it to the hilt as I didn't see just how vindictive I can be. I have really hurt people and caused a lot of damage in my personal relationships when I do this. I feel like a complete monster. After self awareness the ironic part is as important as trust is to me...I couldn't connect the dots that to turn on a dime like this with people I love and care for is ironically being totally untrustworthy.
Who can trust a person that can turn on a dime and treat you like you are the red flag and they are the raging bull?!? It's just too much to ask of people. I pride myself on being fair too. But have I been fair? Is it fair to turn on those that I love and care for in this manner and attack their weaknesses and vulnerabilities?!? The very thing that I fear...the very thing that I value..I've been doing it to others in the name of exacting lessons for their perceived offenses?!? Yes, with self awareness I feel like a complete monster and I don't trust myself not to do this to people I care about and love.
I remorsefully and regretfully admit I can be so heartless when I exact my lessons. See that's what I called it teaching them a lesson..didn't see it as revenge before. I justified it in my mind as I will teach you not to ____________...fill in the blank with whatever I thought was the perceived injustice (after all they deserved it at least that's what I told myself). And, because I have an uncanny knack of seeing the "real" person behind the mask complete with their weaknesses and vulnerabilities...I usually end up hurting/wounding the other person pretty deep.
I've made a lot of progress thru self-help the past 2-3 years but in June I realized I still have a very, very, very long way to go because I did it again and may have caused a permanent rift in a friendship that I truly treasured. I've been watching myself every since the incidence and sometimes I have to shake my head at myself for some of the crazy, mean shit I tend to do to people to get back at them when I feel deeply hurt by them.
I'm tired of living this way...it's crazy. I need professional help. I found a psychologist versed in the enneagram and other treatment therapies for people who suffer with PTSD. I hope I can get this subconscious bullshit sorted out and repaired once and for all.