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I definitely can't talk on behalf of INTPs in a relationship, but I can say why I haven't been in a formal relationship and maybe how that could relate to this guy. Thus, clarifying: my opinion only.
I think our main problem is that we idealise too much because (and that's why) we're not generally into intimate connections. It's more common to have a distant crush on someone we rarely speak to, because is that, an idea we can play/explore with; there are not chances of getting disappointed at the person or yourself because it's either them not getting you or you not being able to respond correctly in an emotional way. I have absurdly high expectations; if I meet someone that I find worth the effort, I feel like our relationship HAS to be genuine, as in an unrealistic (almost "magical") connection. Why? Because otherwise I can't put my mind into even trying, feelings just don't come that easy. We (over)think absolutely everything, and maybe love shouldn't be that way, so we quickly can start feeling it transforming into something forced. If he broke things up immediately instead of talking about them, is maybe because he had different expectations for the relationship, the ones that would make you think this type of conversations are not necessary.
I can't tell you what you did wrong because I have no idea in what way you were both interacting and, as you said, things looked pretty well. Although I could say he was trying quite hard, because asking to meet your parents and sending flowers to your mom? That's not commonly inside our comfort zone... at all.
INFPs, in my case, don't come as easy because I usually find them too demanding on deep, personal stuff (nothing wrong with it per sé, of course); but in his case he says you're both too reserved. Do you already know what he means by that? Do you know his interests and current obsessions? (They change very often). Does he feel intellectually stimulated by you? (Believe me, truly important). Have you met his 'goofy' side yet? Because that happens when we're comfortable around someone, we're kind of like kids (never going to admit this in person, of course), maybe ADHD kids. I think maybe that's what he means, he's not feeling comfortable, he's not himself and, something terrible for us, he's not learning something new. Keep in mind that we're quite childish when we're relaxed, when we can show people how we move through our mental systems, when we can share our daily theories and shitposts.
Ask him about his ideas, let him ramble on that stuff, we LOVE it! Theorising, analysing, sharing thoughts; that's important. I don't know if I speak for myself but usually when I feel that type of connection with someone is because that Ne is bursting. You're understanding each other so well it doesn't even need to have a romantic context in order to get to the point where you just think 'so what now?'
On the other hand, I don't find it fair for you to put up with all this. Don't be too demanding on yourself either, both partners have to try! Your needs can't be undermined by his. And yes, we're a bit complicated, and yes, these things have to be talked out, but honestly, talking about feelings is just... a no. We don't feel about things the same way, although we pretty much would like to. In any case it's not your fault, some people even joke around saying our perfect match is an AI (low-key agree), but there are some INTPs out there working in their Fe so don't lose your hope with all INTPs, lol.
 

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He blamed our introversion and said we were incompatible because we didn't open each other up or get us doing new things. I didn't know he was even thinking this. And honestly I think all we needed to do was talk about it.
I know we could have practiced better communication, and I would have had I known it was bothering him.

I think communication is a skill that can be improved upon with two people. Honestly, it just takes mindfully talking about it.
yes, these things have to be talked out, but honestly, talking about feelings is just... a no. We don't feel about things the same way, although we pretty much would like to.
Here is a side by side for effect.
 

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Here is a side by side for effect.
That's a good comparison. Opening up =/= talking about feelings. It's about the easy flow of convo, bouncing around from idea to idea. From my experiences with INTP exs, we could chat from morning to night, chit chatting about nothing and everything. People think that INTPs want to have deep convos with deep essay style thoughts but not always. More often than not, they're happy to quip for hours, lightly hopping from topic to topic to topic to topic, where ever Ne leads them. If you can trip around with them, keeping up to their pace and better yet, inspiring their Ne to bounce a little higher or off to tangents they hadn't considered, they're crazy about new experiences which might or might not be tangible.
 

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I can't imagine dumping someone on the street. I also can't imagine making a concerted effort to meet parents and bring flowers (specially so early into a relationship). Combine this with the ice-cold character you describe, and I would like to suggest this guy might be an INTJ?
 

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There are several things, not just the ones he tells you. Many of them only know them unconsciously and do not even know how to tell you.

Incompatibility. Yes, it seems mature to me what he did (he quickly realized the incompatibility and had the courage / intuition to end the relationship quickly). I know it's ugly in a way, but an INTx is able to do it not very nicely when it comes to ending a relationship (because they can kick easier the "emotional part" in favour of rational part).

I generally agree that there may be a good friendship between an INTP and an INFP, but it seems to me that they have too many common flaws. I don't see much room for evolution in a relationship (which is not friendship, that is more advanced) INTP-INFP.

Of course there are exceptions. Yes, the personality type has a great influence in terms of this incompatibility. But the most important are the desires and needs.

Communication wouldn't have changed anything, believe me. You weren't wrong here.

Head up and don't lose confidence. If you like INTPs so much, maybe you will find one that will need what you are and will consider you compatible. Or maybe you'll find someone else (any other personality) and you won't even be interested in that (personality type).

I wish you all the best!

I can't imagine dumping someone on the street. I also can't imagine making a concerted effort to meet parents and bring flowers (specially so early into a relationship). Combine this with the ice-cold character you describe, and I would like to suggest this guy might be an INTJ?
xNTPs come in many forms. I see an INTP being able to do absolutely everything she said he would do. I think xNTPs are some of the few personality types that are really capable of doing anything NATURALLY. They should not be underestimated.

One of the characteristics of xNTPs is that they are unpredictable. They can act in a way you don't expect when you least expect it.



EDIT: I am sure

that you would have realized incompatibility but after a long time. At first you do not realize because there is the curiosity of something new, you give more value to emotions (maybe you found in him the understanding that you have not found elsewhere or a closer connection). But in the end, when the "feelings" diminished, after the initial enthusiasm had subsided, you would have begun to see the "incompatibility."
 

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"Cold, blunt, and logical." To be honest he sounds like INTJ.

INTP tend to have a low-key friendly, harmless vibe. It's the influence of having Fe, even in the lowest position. With Fe, they care about human feelings, wants to communicate in a non-hurtful diplomatic way--as much as they can or remember to. If they occasionally appear cold, it's because they forgot to access Fe, would be mortified if pointed out, and when you remind them they will try to change their tone. As IXTP get older, a lot of them have a behavioral dichotomy of being almost effusively Fe, with an abrupt "switch" to being very T when they are about their own thoughts and business, then back when they are dealing with humans.

I often find INTJ to have this exact way of being absurd-sounding but also inhumanly logical when it comes to making decisions about emotions and relationships. It sounded like he had a checklist of what he looks for in a relationship (Te), and when too many checkmarks failed to materialized by a certain timeframe, his Ni has gathered enough information to project that it will not ever work out, and the decision was finalized. With Ne, it's very rare for INTP to be able to make a quick and clean decision this way.

All in all, INTJ are outwardly robotic with a warm heart underneath it all, while INTP are low-key friendly with a robotic core. I'm sorry he broke up with you in this way. It is cold and harsh, but it is an INTJ way of being kind. He probably hoped you will experience a sharp pain, but get over it quick, whereas INTP might drag you through the emotional mud a little by their unwillingness to hurt your feelings, while they have already disengage within and are trying to determine how to escape.
 
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Discussion Starter #8
just for the record, he is definitely INTP.

I mean, the way he processes his world and decisions are cold and logical. He is not cold to talk to you. In fact, he can be very warm and loving and childlike and goofy and silly.

I disagree with why he broke up with me, but on the other hand agree. I don't think it's the introvert/introvert problem. I think it's that I had a lot of internal relationship anxiety and was afraid to speak up because I didn't want to shake things or cause conflict in our dynamic. Which is a self fulfilling prophecy. I really wish he would have approached me with his concerns though, because it is something I know I could have worked on. I was clinging on too tightly, in a way, because I know most relationship end at the three month mark, and was trying to fly under the radar into four months. I know that sounds really dumb, but it's what was going through my head. Just get to four months and then I can relax! To him, analyzing long term compatibility, he just saw someone unwilling to open up and talk to him easily or relax, or get him to talk to me. But I don't think that was the inherent problem with our dynamic. Once the ice was broken about his concerns, for instance, I had no problems talking to him and I realized what I had been doing.

Do you think there is any way he would consider me again? Maybe after some time has passed and I have worked on myself? I really do think it was my fault and things could have been a lot better. Or is this one of those "it's over" situations? I didn't do him any wrong, and we didn't fight, so I can't imagine this couldn't be fixed if our dynamic changed and I got out of my head about everything and opened up to him.
 

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Do you think there is any way he would consider me again? Maybe after some time has passed and I have worked on myself? I really do think it was my fault and things could have been a lot better. Or is this one of those "it's over" situations? I didn't do him any wrong, and we didn't fight, so I can't imagine this couldn't be fixed if our dynamic changed and I got out of my head about everything and opened up to him.
Whether he is INTP or INTJ, in general it's best to take people at their word. It doesn't matter what you conjecture about how and why he made that decision; the fact is, he made it, and was firm enough in that decision to come and tell you in a way that did not leave a door open. You don't have to have done anything wrong or get into fights to be incompatible. Why wait for and try to change yourself for someone who no longer sees you in their future? Better yourself for your own sake, take some time to grieve for the death of the dreams and hopes you had envisioned with dude, and find someone who think you're ok the way you are.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Whether he is INTP or INTJ, in general it's best to take people at their word. It doesn't matter what you conjecture about how and why he made that decision; the fact is, he made it, and was firm enough in that decision to come and tell you in a way that did not leave a door open. You don't have to have done anything wrong or get into fights to be incompatible. Why wait for and try to change yourself for someone who no longer sees you in their future? Better yourself for your own sake, take some time to grieve for the death of the dreams and hopes you had envisioned with dude, and find someone who think you're ok the way you are.
Because it's very rare for me to fall for someone, and when I do, I tend to give it my all and want to be sure there is nothing more I could have done. I know there is the possibility there is more than what he told me, but if it is just what he told me I think things could have gone differently. And it's hard to accept. A fight or a real incompatibility (not to get into semantics, but the definition of which is the inability of two people to live together harmoniously or without conflict) would be easier to understand, but we didn't have any conflicts. We just got stagnate and I think that is my fault, because I was too scared to go forward. Does that make sense? So knowing this is good for ANY next relationship, and in my spotty but long dating history (I'm in my 30s) I've literally never had a man not come back in one way or another (for better or worse) after things ended, so I kind of figure this won't be different; I wonder if another go would be something that might happen with an INTP if presented with new information or insight into the issue. I'm not hanging my hopes on it, and I haven't asked him for anything, I'm just considering the possibilities. Of course, I plan to better myself (as always, break ups tend to lead to that) and understanding me and understanding whether I held any responsibility is really part of that process.
 

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I agree with the user above. However, my advice is to not open up about feelings, at least not just yet, because you'll probably scare him off. He did slap the door, so that's not a good sign, but I wouldn't take it so personal, he's probably frustrated because he sees it as a failed experiment and, with people, the least you think about it, the better.
Ne is most likely the answer, haha. He needs new perspectives, something he can feel motivated by (that, the lack of general motivation, is a HUGE problem for us), and a relationship is effort, so 2 plus 2 equals...
He needs to be convinced he's intrigued, and how do you do that? Well, you got to know his interests so you could start from there. The important thing here is to not show too much, do not invade his personal space (less his mental projects), but gently share with him and suggest new patterns. You could stay like cool friends for a while? I mean, you're both INTP and INFP, I'm guessing you don't have a bunch of people you get along with, so why not?
Again, do NOT show him that you'd do anything. That's overwhelming and, really, we (feel like we) don't deserve it.
 

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I agree with the user above. However, my advice is to not open up about feelings, at least not just yet, because you'll probably scare him off. He did slap the door, so that's not a good sign, but I wouldn't take it so personal, he's probably frustrated because he sees it as a failed experiment and, with people, the least you think about it, the better.
Ne is most likely the answer, haha. He needs new perspectives, something he can feel motivated by (that, the lack of general motivation, is a HUGE problem for us), and a relationship is effort, so 2 plus 2 equals...
He needs to be convinced he's intrigued, and how do you do that? Well, you got to know his interests so you could start from there. The important thing here is to not show too much, do not invade his personal space (less his mental projects), but gently share with him and suggest new patterns. You could stay like cool friends for a while? I mean, you're both INTP and INFP, I'm guessing you don't have a bunch of people you get along with, so why not?
Again, do NOT show him that you'd do anything. That's overwhelming and, really, we (feel like we) don't deserve it.
I'm mulling over the friend thing. I told him my plan was to stay out of contact for awhile and then assess the friendship idea when emotions aren't high. There are few people I click with or whose company I enjoy. I enjoyed his.
 

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A fight or a real incompatibility (not to get into semantics, but the definition of which is the inability of two people to live together harmoniously or without conflict) would be easier to understand, but we didn't have any conflicts. We just got stagnate
Actually, I think here lies a big problem. Sure, in social situations we like quiet places and we avoid conflict, but we don't like organised life styles, let alone relationships. We're a big mess, and that's okay because problem solving is stimulating, and we're good at it. The worst thing that could happen in a relationship (in my opinion) is exactly that, get stagnate; there's no path to take from there. Conflict, on the other hand, gives you multiple choices (of course one of them could also lead to slam the door, but must be something really serious). People are complex, and if there's one little hope we have on humans as a potential partner (romantic or not), it's exactly that, complexity. It's interesting, it's intriguing, is a formula to solve.

I'm mulling over the friend thing.
A friendship with an INTP is not bad at all. Friendship alone comes hard for us, so if you're actually close, there's a high chance they will eventually like you as something else. If there are really strong feelings involved, though, be careful. Don't get yourself hurt, that's usually painful in any relationship regardless of the personality type; I know I've disappointed a couple INFPs more than a dozen times in that area and I swear is not on purpose, it's just difficult.
 

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You probably didn't do anything wrong.
He sounds like he gave a pretty rational reason why he ended it.
When it comes to communication with other people, it can't always be improved, sometimes you have people that you just feel natural with and gel with instantly, and sometimes you don't so much. He sounds like he just wasn't feeling that chemistry with you, which is a reasonable reason to end a relationship.
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that he doesn't like you as a person. You simply just don't have that good chemistry that leads to an easy flow of conversation, most likely.
 

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For those who don’t want to torture a friendly person with a detailed and highly subjective list of their shortcomings, the identification of objective differences – or lack thereof (E/I in this case) – creates a solid basis for the plausibility of the incompatibility claim, which is the most face-saving way of communicating rejection.
 

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I just noticed my reply wasn't sent (moderator approval needed, not sure why), so I'll try again:

A fight or a real incompatibility (not to get into semantics, but the definition of which is the inability of two people to live together harmoniously or without conflict) would be easier to understand, but we didn't have any conflicts. We just got stagnate
Actually, I think here lies a big problem. Sure, in social situations we like quiet places and we avoid conflict, but we don't like organised life styles, let alone relationships. We're a big mess, and that's okay because problem solving is stimulating, and we're good at it. The worst thing that could happen in a relationship (in my opinion) is exactly that, get stagnate; there's no path to take from there. Conflict, on the other hand, gives you multiple choices (of course one of them could also lead to slam the door, but must be something really serious). People are complex, and if there's one little hope we have on humans as a potential partner (romantic or not), it's exactly that, complexity. It's interesting, it's intriguing, is a formula to solve.

I'm mulling over the friend thing
A friendship with an INTP is not bad at all. Friendship alone comes hard for us, so if you're actually close, there's a high chance they will eventually like you as something else. If there are really strong feelings involved, though, be careful. Don't get yourself hurt, that's usually painful in any relationship regardless of the personality type; I know I've disappointed a couple INFPs more than a dozen times in that area and I swear is not on purpose, it's just difficult.
 

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You probably didn't do anything wrong.
He sounds like he gave a pretty rational reason why he ended it.
When it comes to communication with other people, it can't always be improved, sometimes you have people that you just feel natural with and gel with instantly, and sometimes you don't so much. He sounds like he just wasn't feeling that chemistry with you, which is a reasonable reason to end a relationship.
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that he doesn't like you as a person. You simply just don't have that good chemistry that leads to an easy flow of conversation, most likely.
I completely agree with that!

When it comes to compatibility (chemistry) it doesn't matter what you do wrong or not.

You can do everything perfectly. You can even be exactly what he wants. And he can be exactly what you want. The idea is how you're "working" together in a companionship. For a relationship to work good it is not about just being good friends, about communicating well, about common interests, about profound intimacy (physical and mental), about feelings, about sharing interests. But it is about a package that includes them all. And a single missing link can cause "incompatibility". I don't know how experienced you are, but normally people realize this after several failed relationships.

Some individuals are willing to close eyes for some missing links, others not. Some are more tolerant, others less tolerant. It depends on the individual. For example I met in my life some INFP girls who felt attracted to me. And I didn't share my feelings with any of them. I could never see them more than just friends.

And that can't change. Compatibility (as attractiveness) has a binary response: YES or NO. There are no shades. There are people who see shades and accept them.

Don't try to do something just to be liked by someone because at some point you will get bored or you will not have the energy to do that thing anymore. And then you're going to ruin everything.

[At least as long as you don't want something temporary. If he's a deity and you want to have crazy sex with him for 1 week and you want to create a Higgs boson in bed. But that means you have to be able to connect spiritually and perform intimate deeds on a metaphysical level. yes. It is acceptable to behave exactly as he wants. ]

Regarding "I really like him and I rarely meet someone with whom I get along so well" - you say this only because you have little experience. I know you are an introvert and it is not very easy for you to meet people and open up to them, but believe me: people with whom you can achieve that deep connection really exists! And there are quite a few out there. You just have to look for them. Any introvert when he ends a relationship with someone says that "it's hard to find someone like her". Until it happen to find it.

"Should I wait for ... maybe reconsidering the decision?"

This is something that comes from naivety, something that I bet your INTP doesn't appreciate.

INTP struggle to take (important) decisions (especially when emotions involved). And when he takes them, that's it. He rarely returns to decisions. When it comes to people: he almost never comes back. Because the decision-making process is quite long. And when it's not long, it's even worse. It means there are so many flaws that it's easy to make a decision.

***

And related to the rest of the people who say that the individual is not INTP, it is INTJ. Just LOL.

Don't take everything literally. See beyond what she exposes. When people talk about others (including me; I did it before) they tend to expose exactly the most unrepresentative things for that type. But those who resonate with what they say (either based on personal experiences or those of others) realize from the start what is the situation. The shades between INTJ / P are small from certain perspectives (from theoretical pointview). Think about the fact that the person that wrote that may not find the most appropriate words to describe things. And that "mistyping" may seem because of this.

For me it happens the same way: I use words that are not exactly appropriate for what I'm really trying to mean - but that's because I don't know the ones that would be more appropriate (or there is no equivalent).
 

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To the initiator of the discussion: believe everything this user says. He/She knows what he/she's talking about.

I just noticed my reply wasn't sent (moderator approval needed, not sure why), so I'll try again:



Actually, I think here lies a big problem. Sure, in social situations we like quiet places and we avoid conflict, but we don't like organised life styles, let alone relationships. We're a big mess, and that's okay because problem solving is stimulating, and we're good at it. The worst thing that could happen in a relationship (in my opinion) is exactly that, get stagnate; there's no path to take from there. Conflict, on the other hand, gives you multiple choices (of course one of them could also lead to slam the door, but must be something really serious). People are complex, and if there's one little hope we have on humans as a potential partner (romantic or not), it's exactly that, complexity. It's interesting, it's intriguing, is a formula to solve.



A friendship with an INTP is not bad at all. Friendship alone comes hard for us, so if you're actually close, there's a high chance they will eventually like you as something else. If there are really strong feelings involved, though, be careful. Don't get yourself hurt, that's usually painful in any relationship regardless of the personality type; I know I've disappointed a couple INFPs more than a dozen times in that area and I swear is not on purpose, it's just difficult.
You're soooo good at understanding INTPs. I empathize with you on many levels.

Cheers🥂 fellow being 🥇~!
 

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To the initiator of the discussion: believe everything this user says. He/She knows what he/she's talking about.



You're soooo good at understanding INTPs. I empathize with you on many levels.

Cheers🥂 fellow being 🥇~!
Aww, thank you. At least (more like finally) I can fit somewhere once in my lifeee, haha! Cheers, fellow🥂
 

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Aww, thank you. At least (more like finally) I can fit somewhere once in my lifeee, haha! Cheers, fellow🥂
The good part is that once you realize that you can fit somewhere, you will start to see that you can do it in more places. Success attracts success :).

Welcome and enjoy this place!:cool:
 
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