Personality Cafe banner

1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,373 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
... very stream of consciousness. And I'm pretty emo today.

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?

... knowledge, passion and experience. The possibility of travel, of love affairs or finding someone truly special, being able to breathe and not feel suffocated by the mandates of society, or culture

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

... used to be, musician. But there’s a literary and dramatic undertone to music that get neglected. To live and feel intensity, to be fully alive. Awake.

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being?

... living a life of boredom, of monotony, of being someone I’m not, of becoming someone I don’t want to be, of become someone who would frighten me if I were to look in the mirror, of disappearing into the oblivious masses, of being consumed by depression and not doing anything. Of running away from myself.

What values are important to you?

... love, that includes the love of self, live and other people deserving of love. I was spoonfed the brotherhood of man garbage, but I’m more of a feast of friends to a giant family. To have someone close and not feel lonely. To learn and to understand, clarity and not obscurity: Perception, contemplation and understanding and never blind ritual and conformity. Freedom to live, love and define yourself.

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?

... to die and not live.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?

... I was extremely vain when I was younger, and the more hurt I felt the more I wanted attention. Bad attention is better than no attention. Right now, I honestly could care less. I accept there are those who hate me, and those who love me. I want others to see me for who I am and not what I do or my aptitude at what I do.

... I don’t see myself. I am myself. There are many things I like, many things I don’t and would like to change.

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?

... best: freedom to do, live as I please. Being able to connect with others. The possibility of writing, travel, romance [regardless if its a monogamous girlfriend, or a fling I would love it to be meaningful and that we genuinely care for one another in that particular moment]. Fluent in words, thought and feeling light and alive and able to speak my mind openly without feeling like I’m always judged for who I am.
... That I am nobody, confined to a life of monotony, without friends, without hope, without a future and the possibility of one and becoming a grey spec of meaningless dusts where society, corporations, media and the masses at large trample my dignitity and won’t let me feel like/be myself. I had very judgemental people in my life, can you tell?

7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.

anger, it’s very internal. Get me furious enough and I could write season after season of Dexter. Sometimes it scares me how fast my mind works and thankfully it’s mental
... shame, paralyzing. I feel that I’m not going to be accepted for who I am. I’m ashamed of things I haven’t done more than those I have. Although I do feel bad about the anger and that I sacrificed many friendships, lovers in favor of working on my music and I just don’t have as much experience dating as I would like.
... anxiety, I don’t know. Depression more like it.

8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.

... stress, either become an ass-kissing doormat or a perfectionist. Both nauseating.
... change, no problem. Good, bad. Judged accordingly.
... conflict. I’ve been asked to keep the peace and doing so makes me think super violent thoughts and those frighten me. Also my parents tell me I’m still confrontational because, well growing up in rough neighbourhoods and having ‘pick on me’ tattooed on your forehead, you learn to fight. In healthy situation indifferent. There are people I can talk to, others I want to sandpaper their face, and others who just make me feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?

... fuck both of these. If you need someone to tell you what to think, what to feel and can’t make up your mind on your own, you’re an idiot. Have your own thoughts, emotions and values. Stupid sheeple.

... I get the need for order and that people can’t take responsibility for themselves, or lack the character needed to know what it right/wrong, what makes sense and if the authority in question is ethical and it makes sense to have it, cool. Power to, not power over. I’m not into rewards and punishments, lame. I don’t even get off on accomplishment. If I don’t enjoy something I won’t do it. Maybe you’d really have to twist me leg.

10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?

... right now, pessimistic. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I used to give everyone an honest chance but I had friends betray me, take advantage of my hospitality and open door policy, become an emotional burden, that I just closed up within myself and crashed. Humanity, I’d like to think most people are okay, except they’ve been hurt like myself and everybody else by someone abusive and it might take time to open up.


test results

 
I usually get 4 or 7 with the left overs to 9. The suggestions for 4 help millions on the enneagram institute page, more so than 7. But not by much.
 
  • Like
Reactions: nburns

·
Registered
Joined
·
351 Posts
Your core type is 4w5. But it can easily be 4w3.

You enneatype: 4w5/3 7w6 9w1 sx/sp
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,373 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Your core type is 4w5. But it can easily be 4w3.

You enneatype: 4w5/3 7w6 9w1 sx/sp
... cool, the first two I agree with. I'm seeing how I'm core 4 rather than core 7. And I most certain agree with the instinct. I have absolutely no social instincts. Societal approval is the last thing on my mind.

Never been a member of a church, subculture, political party or feel any pride for my nationality. I went to church when I was younger because I believed in God at the time, I stopped when I begin to see it as a level of government I didn't need in my life and opted for personal knowledge and understanding. Only reason I fly the Polish flag is because I was born there and love Warsaw as a city and feel happy when I visit. I also have this uncanny attraction for Lisbon and I'm not Portuguese. The need for safety and security is definitely secondary. I'm definitely governed by attraction to the choices I make: I choose music because I love playing/writing knowing very well it's financially unreliable, I choose to read things because they interest me, and my friends are those who captivate me. It doesn't mean I'm cruel and unfriendly to others, and if they show me kindness which I greatly appreciate, I'm happy to share their company. Except there is no magical spark between us. The relationship doesn't always need to be romantic/sexual because I can have the same feeling towards men minus physical desire.

... maybe I’m an 8 rather than a 9. I’m not aroused by dominance and violence, but mockery and satire are my weapons of choice and I have absolutely no qualms about offending people. Secretly I enjoy it and I hate to apologize when I’m convinced I’m right. I might say “I’m sorry you lack the intelligence to see my point.” or “I’m sorry you’re a waste of my time.” I have no problem giving a sincere apology but when one is demanded me because of manners it often very caustic. I hate that lovey-dovey, hippy, kumbaya bullshit.

The sign of a true alpha male is one who know his influences, feels secure enough in his own skin and no longer feels the need to dominate another. [I find pointless dominance offensive and a sign of weakness, actually this is why I hate Canadian multiculturalism and it's acceptance of foreign dominance as encoded in their religion and value systems] At the same time, stand your ground. Stand for what you’re about and if you need break a few noses, or yell at someone or push the read button, so be it.

I'm still perplexed over the body-fix. Actually, I know people who always explain themselves, almost apologetically and I just roll my eyes and not say anything.
 
  • Like
Reactions: nburns and Aurus

·
Registered
Joined
·
351 Posts
... cool, the first two I agree with. I'm seeing how I'm core 4 rather than core 7. And I most certain agree with the instinct. I have absolutely no social instincts. Societal approval is the last thing on my mind.

Never been a member of a church, subculture, political party or feel any pride for my nationality. I went to church when I was younger because I believed in God at the time, I stopped when I begin to see it as a level of government I didn't need in my life and opted for personal knowledge and understanding. Only reason I fly the Polish flag is because I was born there and love Warsaw as a city and feel happy when I visit. I also have this uncanny attraction for Lisbon and I'm not Portuguese. The need for safety and security is definitely secondary. I'm definitely governed by attraction to the choices I make: I choose music because I love playing/writing knowing very well it's financially unreliable, I choose to read things because they interest me, and my friends are those who captivate me. It doesn't mean I'm cruel and unfriendly to others, and if they show me kindness which I greatly appreciate, I'm happy to share their company. Except there is no magical spark between us. The relationship doesn't always need to be romantic/sexual because I can have the same feeling towards men minus physical desire.

... maybe I’m an 8 rather than a 9. I’m not aroused by dominance and violence, but mockery and satire are my weapons of choice and I have absolutely no qualms about offending people. Secretly I enjoy it and I hate to apologize when I’m convinced I’m right. I might say “I’m sorry you lack the intelligence to see my point.” or “I’m sorry you’re a waste of my time.” I have no problem giving a sincere apology but when one is demanded me because of manners it often very caustic. I hate that lovey-dovey, hippy, kumbaya bullshit.

The sign of a true alpha male is one who know his influences, feels secure enough in his own skin and no longer feels the need to dominate another. [I find pointless dominance offensive and a sign of weakness, actually this is why I hate Canadian multiculturalism and it's acceptance of foreign dominance as encoded in their religion and value systems] At the same time, stand your ground. Stand for what you’re about and if you need break a few noses, or yell at someone or push the read button, so be it.

I'm still perplexed over the body-fix. Actually, I know people who always explain themselves, almost apologetically and I just roll my eyes and not say anything.
Maybe you are an 8w9 or 8w7 then. Probably 8w7. And you have a very interesting life story.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,110 Posts
I'm still perplexed over the body-fix. Actually, I know people who always explain themselves, almost apologetically and I just roll my eyes and not say anything.
Don't worry about tri-fixes. Tri-fixes are controversial at best and I think they are complete foolishness.

Maybe you are an 8w9 or 8w7 then. Probably 8w7. And you have a very interesting life story.
For body-fix? Or core? Definitely not core 8.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,373 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
... thanks your the input @Aurus .

Awesome to have someone with whom I can bounce around ideas. That's what they do, bounce all over the place in a chorus of 'what if this' and 'what if that' until they get their own sense of direction. The adjective of maverick feels closer than bear, I'm leaning to 8w7 over 8w9.

Dad is 9-5-something, mom is 2-9-something. I learned diplomacy but it always feels fake and strategic. Like chess with surgical implants. Anyway, thanks again man. Is that Samuel L Jackson? Nice! :cool:

@nburns , definitely body fix 8. I looked into 4/7 and the last couple of nights and can't imagine myself being anything else BUT a core 4. My only beef is 'envy.' I am not the jealous sort. I'm someone who is naturally happy if things go well for friends and other people and have absolutely no desire to squash another's good fortune because they have it and I don't. Maybe my understanding of 'envy' is different from the enneagram's. English being a 3rd language and all :)

But I certainly understand 'longing'
 
  • Like
Reactions: nburns

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,110 Posts
... thanks your the input @Aurus .

Awesome to have someone with whom I can bounce around ideas. That's what they do, bounce all over the place in a chorus of 'what if this' and 'what if that' until they get their own sense of direction. The adjective of maverick feels closer than bear, I'm leaning to 8w7 over 8w9.

Dad is 9-5-something, mom is 2-9-something. I learned diplomacy but it always feels fake and strategic. Like chess with surgical implants. Anyway, thanks again man. Is that Samuel L Jackson? Nice! :cool:

@nburns , definitely body fix 8. I looked into 4/7 and the last couple of nights and can't imagine myself being anything else BUT a core 4. My only beef is 'envy.' I am not the jealous sort. I'm someone who is naturally happy if things go well for friends and other people and have absolutely no desire to squash another's good fortune because they have it and I don't. Maybe my understanding of 'envy' is different from the enneagram's. English being a 3rd language and all :)

But I certainly understand 'longing'
You know, I could also see 9.

I've been responding to these questionnaires for about 3 months now, and I'm not 100% sure if I've seen an actual 4 yet. There have been lots of 9s looking sort of 4ish. I wonder if actual 4s are put off by the idea of posting a questionnaire.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,373 Posts
Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
... lets compare the two. First the 9.

Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable.

... actually, I was VERY reckless throughout my early twenties. And my thoughts, opinions and emotions are constantly changing. There are things I feel strongly about BUT as the situation changes [or my understanding of the situation] so do my feelings. Acceptance, sure if it's something I can't do anything about. Trusting, I'm willing to take a chance on people and it doesn't bother me if the relationship falters. That's just life: you take a change in friendships, dating, business. Some things work, others do not.

They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace.

... creative yes, optimistic sometimes. I wouldn't call myself a pessimist either. A realistic optimist perhaps. I have no problem calling a nasty situation nasty and do get called a fear monger sometimes but when I speak of those possibilities I feel no fear and I feel no anxiety. If I feel something is a horrible idea, and if I given it some thought and it remains a horrible idea, I have no problem telling someone it's a horrible idea. Going along with others is not my style, and I'm suspicious of others who go along with me. But if you're my people, definitely fiercely loyal and supportive. Sheeple are disposable and would rather not have them in my life. I get some are less confident than others and they may have their doubts as to who they are or what they want or they may feel lost, but sheeple ... I find it difficult to accept those who don't have independent thought or feeling.

They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting.

... man, I'm too much of a shit disturber. The one time I kept the peace is when my mother fell sick. You know, obvious reasons. She is good people and I care about her and I understood how my actions could affect her health at the time. It was taxing for me to do so and she commented about my repressed aggression many times.

They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness.

... my two personal peeves. Sometimes I fall into inertia when I'm depressed and feel hopeless. It's not so much of inertia but a feeling of being stuck in the mire, spinning the tires of my thought, action and downright frustrated that nothing is moving forward.

At Their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

... granted, I know a very healthy nine and she's awesome at this. It's not who I am. I don't think community. I understand politics, but God, it's something I passionately hate. I would never want to be elected into office or be a civil/social servant.


...

Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved.

... yes, minus being reserved. I'm not reserved about myself, about being who I am. But I am reserved in passing judgement on something or someone and feel that every decision I make is one I can change in the future. I do reserve the option to change my mind.

They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious.

... yes. Sometimes I'm not emotionally honest to others because, work and life. But I'm always honest to myself regardless of how frightening my impulses are. But, yes, yes and once again yes.

Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living.

... I would like to say no to "vulnerable and defective" but I'd be lying to myself if I did. Yes, I am the creator of my own life.

They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity.

... yes, yes, and kind of.

At Their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experience

... yes, a weird fusion of Dionysus and Hermes. What sucks is that inspiration needs to be followed by sober thought and mastery of craft to amount to anything :)

The big question I had with for is 'envy.' Actually I was sceptical of enneagram for the longest time because it borrowed a lot from religion: sin, redemption, etc. I don't feel like doing 7. Maybe it's the religious talk again, but I certain need no rescuer or a saviour. A saviour from what? Life? Myself? It's the other detail of 4 I really have issues with.

EDIT: the integration/disintegration make better sense with 4 than they do for 9. I hate to accept growth at 1 because 1s sound like they're no fun. I can accept growth to 1 as a means to realize my intention, because it's necessary to persevere and to do the work and do it well. Otherwise, I could care less about inner 1-ness. Unhealthy 1s would irritate me. I mean, get a grip on yourself and who made you authority. At 2, I could see myself being manipulative like unhealthy 2s but their healthy traits don't interest me very much. Disintegration at 6, [for E9], I feel fear, anger, contempt, boredom, disgust and apathy, hopelessness or futility but rarely worry or anxiety. And I care too little about ambition to be integrate to 3. Accomplishment is nice but not at the expense of myself. Granted exertion is necessary but I mean at the expense of your inner core. Tried that, hated it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: nburns

·
Registered
Joined
·
351 Posts
Don't worry about tri-fixes. Tri-fixes are controversial at best and I think they are complete foolishness.



For body-fix? Or core? Definitely not core 8.
Lol, body-fix. The core is definitely 4.

... thanks your the input @Aurus .

Awesome to have someone with whom I can bounce around ideas. That's what they do, bounce all over the place in a chorus of 'what if this' and 'what if that' until they get their own sense of direction. The adjective of maverick feels closer than bear, I'm leaning to 8w7 over 8w9.

Dad is 9-5-something, mom is 2-9-something. I learned diplomacy but it always feels fake and strategic. Like chess with surgical implants. Anyway, thanks again man. Is that Samuel L Jackson? Nice! :cool:
Lol, no problem mate. And btw, it is Samuel L. Jackson :cool:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Doc Dangerstein

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,373 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
@nburns

Do you as a 9, feel that anger motivates? Anger was an emotion I never felt until my thirties, that might say something. When I'm angry I'm incapable of asserting myself and I cannot function. My anger is also short lived unless I obsessively feed my rage with thought and mental images. I find the emotion exceptionally taxing, I can't listen to angry music for extended periods of time either. I can only take so much metal, Beethoven or Eminem before I get worn out. Although I get I kicks listening to Em's wordplay. But there only so much I can take before it becomes obnoxious.

... funny thing you bring up image and shame because I always want my friends to accept me for who I am, and if they knew certain details of my life [both of what I did and didn't do] would they still accept me? My sis always makes comments on how I check myself out, that I'm weirdly flamboyant in dress and mannerisms. I don't talk to her much because she uses guilt and shame to judge me and manipulate me emotionally. Actually many people in my life don't know she exists.

I'm open minded to the 9 idea. And I am coming out of a really long depression episode that I promised myself to never return to. So if I am fed up, I'm fed up of people who used guilt/shame on me, of people and customs who limit me and those I care about, and care mostly now about doing what I love and affirming my existence, what I think and believe in, against all odds.

I see this as setting of a nuclear blast to all the inhibiting thoughts and values, the judgements, the social conditioning and blowing it all to smithereens so that I could as myself, who I really am. Call it an affirmation of the self with a vengeance with a complete disregard for casualties. I know I'm going to offend people like I offended people before. But I know others will love me for that same reason.

... actually, I don't feel irritated that you challenge me. It lets me define myself more certainly. I'm not writing 9 off, but contrary, I feel it less and less. I want to yell a declaration of existence, I AM. Not the cogito, I think therefore I am. I don't need to think. I already know and it's just a question of affirming yourself and making the statement. When I listed emotions I just thought of all negative emotions other than anxiety and worry.

Thanks for being a foil, though. Now Envy:

n. a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.
... yes, discontented but not resentful. Maybe a little bit. It's weird because I can be envious as fuck and happy for them at the same time. I'm envious of my friend's dad going to Portugal but I'm glad he got a change to go and travel.

v. desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else).
... always. And sometimes it makes me feel inadequate or incomplete when I don't. Rarely material things. But I envy talent, knowledge, beauty, personality and physical traits I might have myself.

... side note, I took literature, philosophy and religious studies as electives in school. So Dante's definition of envy includes the element of destruction. Meaning that it includes SPITE, that you want to destroy what you envy. If I can't have it, no one can. And I'm not one to do that. The layman's definition is closer to Dante's understanding of lust. [never liked studying Dante, btw. Hell was an interesting at times but Purgatory/Paradise was lame. Not a recommended read.]
 
  • Like
Reactions: nburns

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,110 Posts
@nburns

Do you as a 9, feel that anger motivates? Anger was an emotion I never felt until my thirties, that might say something. When I'm angry I'm incapable of asserting myself and I cannot function. My anger is also short lived unless I obsessively feed my rage with thought and mental images. I find the emotion exceptionally taxing,
That sounds pretty 9. You could say that 9s have a dysfunctional relationship with anger. Sometimes it's motivating, like "I'll show them!" Other times, it's too intense and sometimes 9s find it scary or overwhelming. 9s try to keep their anger under control. I guess what's scary is when the anger boils over and makes you feel out of control.

I can't listen to angry music for extended periods of time either. I can only take so much metal, Beethoven or Eminem before I get worn out. Although I get I kicks listening to Em's wordplay. But there only so much I can take before it becomes obnoxious.

... funny thing you bring up image and shame because I always want my friends to accept me for who I am, and if they knew certain details of my life [both of what I did and didn't do] would they still accept me? My sis always makes comments on how I check myself out, that I'm weirdly flamboyant in dress and mannerisms. I don't talk to her much because she uses guilt and shame to judge me and manipulate me emotionally. Actually many people in my life don't know she exists.
9s do experience shame, also. In fact, it's fairly 9ish that you ignore and avoid your sister, since she makes you feel bad. 9s try to avoid bad feelings and people and situations that make them feel bad.

I'm not 100% sure what a 4 would do in that situation, but they might keep fighting with the shaming sister rather than ignore her.

I'm open minded to the 9 idea. And I am coming out of a really long depression episode that I promised myself to never return to. So if I am fed up, I'm fed up of people who used guilt/shame on me, of people and customs who limit me and those I care about, and care mostly now about doing what I love and affirming my existence, what I think and believe in, against all odds.
That's good that you are open minded. A lot of people have a problem with 9, even if they are actually 9s... so they end up (stubbornly) mistyped.

I see this as setting of a nuclear blast to all the inhibiting thoughts and values, the judgements, the social conditioning and blowing it all to smithereens so that I could as myself, who I really am. Call it an affirmation of the self with a vengeance with a complete disregard for casualties. I know I'm going to offend people like I offended people before. But I know others will love me for that same reason.
You sound somewhat angry.

... actually, I don't feel irritated that you challenge me. It lets me define myself more certainly. I'm not writing 9 off, but contrary, I feel it less and less. I want to yell a declaration of existence, I AM. Not the cogito, I think therefore I am. I don't need to think. I already know and it's just a question of affirming yourself and making the statement. When I listed emotions I just thought of all negative emotions other than anxiety and worry.

Thanks for being a foil, though. Now Envy:

n. a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.
... yes, discontented but not resentful. Maybe a little bit. It's weird because I can be envious as fuck and happy for them at the same time. I'm envious of my friend's dad going to Portugal but I'm glad he got a change to go and travel.

v. desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else).
... always. And sometimes it makes me feel inadequate or incomplete when I don't. Rarely material things. But I envy talent, knowledge, beauty, personality and physical traits I might have myself.

... side note, I took literature, philosophy and religious studies as electives in school. So Dante's definition of envy includes the element of destruction. Meaning that it includes SPITE, that you want to destroy what you envy. If I can't have it, no one can. And I'm not one to do that. The layman's definition is closer to Dante's understanding of lust. [never liked studying Dante, btw. Hell was an interesting at times but Purgatory/Paradise was lame. Not a recommended read.]
Envy in the 4ish sense is like the dictionary definition, moreso than Dante. 4s feel shamefully inadequate. They desire and long for what they believe others have. It can become resentful in a "sour grapes" sort of way. But, importantly, it centers around shame, not anger. 4 is not anger-based.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,373 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
... the ‘sour grapes’ thing is something I relate to. Seeing a girl I like date someone else, my immediate reaction is: pfft, didn’t want to date her anyway. It’s not something I do often but if I have my heart set on something, definitely ‘sour grapes’

... it’s easy ignoring people when we have different lives, grow apart from one another and become complete strangers. It’s easy to no longer care when someone you reach out to doesn’t have the respect to return calls and when you’re always taking initiative and maintaining the relationship. That’s how it is with my sister. We are a decade apart and at the time I was an impressionable teenager.

... usually I do make the effort to talk things through. Sometimes I do feel lost for words IF I feel judged by that person. I will opt for not saying anything if I know I’m talking to a brick wall or someone is condescending to me and makes me feel inferior.

... I can keep the peace and I’ll do it if I’m asked to do so. I have been asked to do so because of family issues and it very taxing to do so. The person who asked me was my father who is most certainly a 9. Listening to the video: ease, peace, harmonious situations, groundedness and flow are exactly what my father is and wishes I learn and inherit. He calls me rash and impatient, reckless, that I need to learn to mellow out and take things easy, that not everything is personal and I should consider other people first and try to understand them.

When he says this sagely advice I just want to ask him if he ever stopped to ask what I might think or feel. And yeah, he turns around and calls me selfish. I don’t know how I feel about simplicity. I like clarity but I’ve been known to fabricate problems just because things got to simple, too boring.

... help other people find peace, groundedness and a sense of unity. Sure, what does that even mean? Theologically I saw myself as Lucifer. Like Milton’s romantic portrait of Satan. There goes harmony and unity. Actually I’m often told by my parents that I pick things apart, challenge authority/tradition, that I’m a nihilist because I have no communal values

... simplicity. I’m definitely not keeping THIS simple, am I. Lol. Simplifying life means taking out the trash. Selling off old things I don’t need, passing them on to charity shops, getting rid of old thoughts and values. Usually it’s stuff that’s lost all personal meaning. This is to make space for the thoughts, people and things who do matter.

... the shutting down is somewhat true. Sometimes things just hurt to much emotionally that I need personal space and I can’t hear what you have to say or see the world for what it is/can be because the pain is just too much. I’m capable of functioning in a hurt and depressed state because I do forget myself in the moment but it’s something that’s always there and cannot be ignored. Shutting things out, no I can’t do that. Even if I carry on I cannot lie to myself. I tried and it doesn’t work.

... mom thinks I’m naturally violent and aggressive and I scare her with my total disrespect for societal conventions and how confidently I speak controversial thoughts without any regard for the other person whatsoever. I have no problem challenging beliefs. Actually I quite enjoy doing that. Almost too much.

... anger is new emotion to me. I’m 37, and never felt this emotion until recently and I’m both appalled by it and fascinated with it. I’m also someone who wants to test the waters in everything. I tested the limits of laughter, of sorrow, or my sexual orientation, of my music, driving. I was called insane and drove my competitive friends over the edge mentally. I did it because I was curious. I was actually talking to a girl I had a huge crush on. Yeah, sour grapes but we became tight friends after much fighting. And she got pissed at me for telling her that she taught me anger, that it’s not worth it and actually quite a lame emotion.

... I secretly admire Donald Trump for just being balls out and taunting everyone. Not saying who I would vote for, as Polish/French with Canadian citizenship I’m not in a position to vote. But I do envy his daring. Even if I’ve been called that myself, and had security minded people call me dangerous and reckless. I know I’m not an 8-core and he is extreme but I kinda get that man. And fuck, do I love getting on people's nerves at times.

... ANYWAY. NEVER MIND ALL THIS. THIS IS JUST A JOURNAL FOR ME TO REVISIT AND DECIDE FOR MYSELF AS AN ACTUAL POST.
 
  • Like
Reactions: nburns

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,373 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
going back this:

anger, it’s very internal. Get me furious enough and I could write season after season of Dexter. Sometimes it scares me how fast my mind works and thankfully it’s mental
... shame, paralyzing. I feel that I’m not going to be accepted for who I am. I’m ashamed of things I haven’t done more than those I have. Although I do feel bad about the anger and that I sacrificed many friendships, lovers in favor of working on my music and I just don’t have as much experience dating as I would like.
... anxiety, I don’t know. Depression more like it.

This is key.

... notice you have typed many people as 9s, @nburns . They may or they may night be core 9s, I do not know. I accept that I'm too much of a novice to begin typing other people. I understand anger is the emotion of the body core 8, 9 and 1. I love violence too much to be a peacekeeper. I'm not talking about mindless genocide a la Idi Amin or Genghis Khan but I do love benevolent violence that affirms the self against reality, that conquers life's difficulties

I have kept my mouth shut in the past because I was asked to do so. It's against my nature and found it suffocating. Freedom to act, freedom to think and speak my mind and assert myself and stand for what I am and believe is far more important than tolerance, than keeping the peace, than ... what is this human brotherhood garbage anyway, I don't believe in mindless destruction of people but should I accommodate anyone I find noxious. Number of times my father tells me to consider other people: countless, still does it after all these years and I don't consider myself selfish, just certain of the world I want but don't always have the means to execute it or the social capital because the culture often works against me.

I know I'm a heart type BECAUSE no amount of reason and no amount of rage will motivate me for action unless it comes from within as a passion, an expression of who I am and choose to become and of what I want the world to look like. My relationship with shame is that I crave acceptance from those who claim to love me and that I want to look in the mirror and like who I see.

... looking at the adjectives: individualist ... always been called that. Always been told I should think more socially. Not happening, groups will always be a congregations of individuals. And I will demand independent thought and emotions from them. Make them be human, not sheep. [Do understand the opposite of shame is pride and I want to be proud of who I am, not magnanimous but sincerely comfortable telling people what I'm about. Regardless of how difficult.]

... enthusiast, if it's something I love or passionate about. Yes. Very much so.

... challenger, I tell my piano students to LOVE the challenge. It least to mastery and once you know your craft you'll be able to express your thoughts, emotions and will be able to create. Until you train and know the instrument you will look/sound like someone wanting to write Ulysses with a grade school vocabulary. [I only ever get angry if my freedom is taken we, my freedom to be, and when my thoughts/emotions are ridiculed or ignored. Only then I will leave and not bother with you]
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top