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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Im in my late 20's, and over the years I have naturally become pretty guarded around everyone. I have been emotionally ruined by too many people, so now I take a while to trust people.

It also has affected my personality, as I hide my true self from those I'm not close to, which is just about everyone.

I've always been this way though, and I know INFP's tend to be emotionally reserved around unfamiliar people, but why?

I am pretty confident and secure in who I am, yet i always withhold my deeply passionate and goofy side for those who know me well. This creates a dilemma becuase new friends have a false assumption that I'm this calm, laid back person with little emotion when I'm the complete opposite. Who knows how many friendships I would have if I freely displayed my wild side...

So why do I continue this life long trend of being calm at first, and gradually opening up emotionally over time?
 

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@FreeSpirit777 Why do you think opening up gradually is a problem? I think that being cautious a little bit is a good thing, you first have to establish if you can trust a person with personal information. Although I like to believe most people are inherently good, there are people out there who use personal information against you + a whole lot of people gossip. You have experienced it yourself probably.

How long does it take for someone to get to know the real you? Is this too long in your opinion? Does anyone know the real you? Closest friends perhaps?
 

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OP, I can understand that feeling. I don't see it as a problem being cautious though. I think it's saved me more emotional turmoil.

I doubt I'd have more friends if I freely opened myself up to people...I am a unique flavor and not everyone likes it.

My question is why do you see it as a problem being cautious? Being too naive around people can lead to a lot of disappointment and hurt so a little caution is a good thing IMO.
 

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I've honestly worked very hard on doing this over the past year and I'm fairly satisfied with how I've done although I can always do better. It certainly hasn't been easy and has involved a lot of putting myself out there and out of my comfort zone but it's such a better alternative to acting like someone I'm not. A year ago, I would not have admitted to a group of people I just met how much I fucking love Taylor Swift and know every song. I wouldn't have opened up and talked to people about my breakup. I wouldn't have been okay with actually taking action and separating myself from a very toxic environment (my fraternity) yet working on maintaining friendships I did make, I wouldn't have been ok with moving into an apartment with two people I really don't know, I wouldn't have been ok with only applying for internships I wanted to do and resisting what everyone else told me and ultimately getting an incredible opportunity. I could go on and on but basically, I've consciously worked to let my guard down because, you know what, even if people do judge me they aren't going to just hold it against me and hate me forever. I've had to fight my filter but it's gotten easier as I'm more and more willing to just say what's on my mind instead of keeping everything inside until I'm super comfortable with someone. I was always pretty confident with who I am but it never showed because I didn't show many people who I was. It's honestly been a huge confidence boost to know that I can be myself and that people will like me for it. I still have a lot of work but it's worth it, I think.
 

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I am tired of being cautious but yes I am, I must be, last time I wasn't - I tried to open up- I was hurt tremendously. I don't understand though, I live to feel, I live to explore the deepest minds and feelings of others, to grab and pull my heart out and hand it in the boy's hand I am in love with and I want him to do the same. I want to talk about the most peculiar things and build hypothetical scenarios and laugh heartily enough to fall on the floor, do mischief with my friends and have night strolls under the light rain, climb on rooftops and play a song and cry to it. I want to explore every inch of the other's soul, I want them to know how much I feel when I feel. I don't want to apologize for being too head in the clouds or unrealistic or too dreamy or too intense or awkward or emotional or sensitive or too passionate. How is it not stupid every person preaches me about pragmatic norms, how can people be in a relationship with others when they say they don't feel enough. How can a person be with another without falling in love? Why must not we fall in love? Why do people have to play games? Why does everything need to practical? Why do we live then if we try to keep our lives and feelings in order, under control and in check. Why do we have to be with a stranger and never reveal ourselves? Why do people need to point put how -intense and too passionate- I am yet I am too naive to not see..Why am I the weird one when I find it weird when people chose mediocre over what they soul craves for?

Also I don't think I am too sensitive but I do think people are not sensitive enough.

Sigh.
 

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You wouldn't necessarily be cured of feelings of loneliness and disconnection if you were going around with your Fi-Ne inside out. There are plenty of friendless yet well-liked ENFPs. You know, the crying clown stereotype.

This could really just be a matter of you not having met compatible people yet.

I know so many people (including me) who have been in bad relationships/friendships and felt compelled to change who they fundamentally are. Then along comes someone who completely adores them and asks them not to change an iota. They wasted all that mental energy thinking they were defective when really they were just in a defective arrangement.
 
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Im in my late 20's, and over the years I have naturally become pretty guarded around everyone. I have been emotionally ruined by too many people, so now I take a while to trust people.

It also has affected my personality, as I hide my true self from those I'm not close to, which is just about everyone.

I've always been this way though, and I know INFP's tend to be emotionally reserved around unfamiliar people, but why?

I am pretty confident and secure in who I am, yet i always withhold my deeply passionate and goofy side for those who know me well. This creates a dilemma becuase new friends have a false assumption that I'm this calm, laid back person with little emotion when I'm the complete opposite. Who knows how many friendships I would have if I freely displayed my wild side...

So why do I continue this life long trend of being calm at first, and gradually opening up emotionally over time?
You'll find people to be goofy with :).

As for being calm, then opening up, I think that's just who we are. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you open up to the people who deserve it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
@yippy

It depends; maybe after 3 or 4 times of sincere hangouts with good conversation... IF the person shows they are interested. I feel a lot more comfortable if somebody shows interest, asks questions, etc...

I have no problem with sharing a bit about my personal self with new people, it's just the extremely passionate/goofy sides of my self that I hide from everyone I'm not close to... along with personal things about me and my life, values, etc..
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
@StaceofBass

I see it as a problem because I like being myself, as opposed to this severely toned down version of myself. I show little-to-no passion or goofiness around people I'm not really close to.

I find it pretty hard to freely be goofy and spontaneous and passionate around new people... Even around siblings and people I've known all my life, they don't see this passionate or goofy side of me because we aren't close.

I just don't feel comfortable sharing this extreme side with them... Only one person really saw that side to me, and she's no longer in my life anymore.

I just feel like it's such a negative trait because people don't see the real me ya know? It bugs me and always has..
 

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@yippy

It depends; maybe after 3 or 4 times of sincere hangouts with good conversation... IF the person shows they are interested. I feel a lot more comfortable if somebody shows interest, asks questions, etc...
This is very normal behavior :) No worries man.

I have no problem with sharing a bit about my personal self with new people, it's just the extremely passionate/goofy sides of my self that I hide from everyone I'm not close to... along with personal things about me and my life, values, etc..
What keeps you from sharing it? Are you embarassed about your passions/goofy behavior? Or are you worried that people might find your passions strange?

I believe that a person shares the things he is ready to share. You are not ready to share that side of you with the world, because you are not 100% comfortable with that side of your personality. Am I right or wrong?
 
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So why do I continue this life long trend of being calm at first, and gradually opening up emotionally over time?
Short answer, it is because it is the way you want to do it.

~~~

Long answer, the reason why other people behave certain way is because they want to behave certain way.

In other words, since you actually want to gradually open yourself, you simply never feel urgency to open yourself right away, but you gradually start feeling urgency to open yourself.

And that's perfectly fine, unless you think that it is not okay to "want what you want", like I used to think.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
What keeps you from sharing it? Are you embarassed about your passions/goofy behavior? Or are you worried that people might find your passions strange?

I believe that a person shares the things he is ready to share. You are not ready to share that side of you with the world, because you are not 100% comfortable with that side of your personality. Am I right or wrong?
I'm fully secure in who I am and have literally no care to restrain myself to societies plastic standards; I have embraced the fact that I am different, child-like, etc.

Even with siblings I've known my whole life; I won't even show these sides to them just because we're not close. I don't have any problem with conversing with others and even sharing my heart, it's just the extreme sides of me I hide.

As I begin to build trust with a person, I gradually begin to feel more comfortable showing these passionate/goofy sides. I'm not sure why though! I will say that I have been emotionally wrecked by selfish people in the past, people I really admired at the time... So I now take friendship very seriously and am very selective in who I have in my life.

@yippy thanks for reading and answering by the way :D
 

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I'm definitely not embarrassed of them; I guess I maybe feel that the person is not ready for these intense emotions, so I just focus on the conversation at first?? I'm really not sure, this has bugged me for months lol...
Whether someone else is ready for your emotions (or personality quirks) is not for you to decide really. And. You should't worry about whether they are ready or not. All that matters is that you feel comfortable to express your full personality and if you are I can't see any reasons why you shouldn't :) Trust me on this: if people appreciate you & accept you the way you are then they will put up with your weirdest quirks. That's what real friends do :)

I don't have any problem with conversing with others and even sharing my heart, it's just the extreme sides of me.
So what are these 'extreme sides' of you? If you don't mind me asking...

Maybe I hide this side because I'm very selective in who I call a friend? I've been hurt a lot in the past by people and I take friendship very seriously, so maybe I am so focused on the conversations with unfamiliar people, that my personality gets put on hold I think..
Are you similar to this? Anyone? @yippy thanks for reading and answering by the way :D
I am similar to this, my personality always shines through when I talk to someone. I can't disconnect my personality from whatever I am thinking nor can I disconnect it from what I am conversing about with other people.

No problem by the way. Always happy to help.
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
So what are these 'extreme sides' of you? If you don't mind me asking...
I am very child-like; I have more in common these days with 6 year olds than I do people my age mostly. Young children are not dumbed down by society, they are naturally selfless, loving, creative, playful, free-spirited, curious, hopeful, passionate, idealistic, goofy, unique... all qualities that most adults are not!

The extreme parts I mentioned are stemmed from being child-like (not child-ish, there's a difference!)

I honestly have pretty much nothing in common with society or adults at all. It's been over 5 years since abandoning all I'd been raised with by my parents, schools, media etc., I have become almost limitless. It's like I finally found myself after a lifetime of deception and lies.

I almost feel like my passion can be too much for people at times. It is also something very personal to me; for example when I'm nature sometimes I feel such overwhelming peace that I don't know what to do but to run around, climb trees, scream joyously, and sometimes swim naked in the lake in a secluded area! It's like a deep spiritually alive feeling that happens without any drugs/alcohol, which I never do.

Or certain times when I listen to music that really moves me on all levels (musically and lyrically), I don't know what to do with myself. I feel such passion that I just go all over the place; I swing my arms around violently, jump around, pound my fist onto the ground, dance around, lie down, and get back up again! :)

I always hope nobody walks by in this intense moments in the above 2 paragraphs, because I would then stop, and THAT continuing on would feel like I'm trying to impress them, or like I'm sharing a personal side to somebody I don't know which I don't like.

I usually am pretty laid back, but certain days I just feel such a rush of peace and passion.

I just really get frustrated that I can't figure out why I still take time to warm up to new people. I become such a different person with new people I meet that I'm really into.

I don't know if it's because I've been severely hurt emotionally by people in recent years, and that affects me somehow...

Or maybe I still am a bit insecure or afraid this will turn them off; Or maybe I am so focused on the conversation with a new person, that my emotional side gets put on hold until later? I don't know lol


I am similar to this, my personality always shines through when I talk to someone. I can't disconnect my personality from whatever I am thinking nor can I disconnect it from what I am conversing about with other people.

No problem by the way. Always happy to help.
I wish I was more like that; I tend to feel my emotion and passion in my heart and soul, and often times that passion doesn't translate too well physically. I can be at work quietly not saying a word with no expression on my face, and feel a deep rush of passion, love, peace, etc. but nobody will suspect a thing because I'm calm on the surface lol
 
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