[Incorporeal]

Today has been calm . . . even relaxing, perhaps. And yet a disquietude creeps over me, and I find myself reflecting on my life and fully, grudgingly appreciating how little I've done with it. I don't mean to say that I've been unproductive (although I have been), nor do I speak in relative terms with a sense of: other people have done a, b and c by point x in their lives, and I should have done so, too. Rather, I speak comparatively insofar as I wonder if the emptiness I experience at present exists simply to the extent that I've led a life to the exclusion of anything with which to fill it.

I emphatically reject comparative gauges of success (whatever that means), so it is not without the greatest reservation that I use the word. But it is indeed ultimately comparative, if not explicitly a self-imposed, value-oriented metric. It's vaguely regretful and nostalgic musing, I suppose. Perhaps the following rephrasal will illustrate the distinction: other people have done a, b and c, by point x in their lives. I'm at point x, and I haven't. Life is underwhelming, to say the least. Would anything be different if I had?

I recognize both the futility and potential ramifications of entertaining speculative inquiries of this sort. I indulge only after considerable hesitation. But when I think of all the hours, days, months (perhaps even years) spent staring at a screen (or its even less engaging counterpart: a wall) I can't help but feel alarmed . . . even moderately disgusted with myself as I observe the world around me. Other people are doing things; I feel like I'm wallowing in my own figurative excrement—stagnating.

And if you can't understand why your world is so dead
And why you've got to keep in style and feed your head
Well, you're twenty one and still you mother makes your bed
And that's too long

Minus the situational particularities, these lyrics sum up my life quite elegantly. I'm doing nothing, going nowhere, and always have been. And despite profound disenchantment with and traditional disinterest in what life has to offer, in my perception, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm missing out.

Anyway, I'm definitely not looking for sympathy with this thread, and I'm really not looking for advice, either (though I welcome any, should people choose to offer it). As I conclude, it occurs to me that this post is probably useless and/or belongs in the diary of a twelve-year-old girl (albeit a disturbed one, to be sure). Sorry. I guess I'm just wondering if any other fives relate. Maybe? even a little bit?

 

[Razare]

I'm doing nothing, going nowhere, and always have been. And despite profound disenchantment with and traditional disinterest in what life has to offer...

Yep, that's me.

Largely this world bores me. I was a bored child, and it just carried into adulthood. There are brief periods where something has aroused my acute interest, and I've poured myself deeply into the theory and knowledge of it... only to emerge looking for something else.

The funny thing is when I consider that, "I'm missing out." If I look at the activities other people do, many of which I have tried at some point, I don't enjoy those activities, even if they look fun from a distance.


It's the case, I believe, that the substance that fills other people's lives has no substance to a 5.

Substance for us is being recognized as competent at something... but in the end, we have to see ourselves in that light in order to be satisfied. Yet we can't possibly be competent at everything, and the things we've already mastered matter less to us than the possibilities that exist. This means we undervalue what we've achieved and are capable of, and overvalue what we've yet to accomplish and probably never will.

It's a sobering life of unfulfillment.

I've recognized that if this is true, then fulfillment is found in the moment. It's a sate of mind and being you achieve in the here-and-now, forgetting the past and future.

This is why I've largely given upon future plans, and past areas that I've mastered. This too leads to an aimless life, seemingly lacking in accomplishment and competency, but it doesn't matter if I feel more satisfied in the present. For other people this is the wrong answer... we're told delayed satisfaction is the best. Working for your goals is what you should do! If I do that, I'll live a miserable life because I'll always feel lacking because I've yet to achieve my goals... and even if I accomplished one, I'd immediately look to the next goal, constantly feeling inadequate.

This isn't to mention that I stop short of accomplishing most goals when I'm 90% complete, because in theory, I have sufficiently proven to myself that I'm competent in the area. I could care less if I actually accomplish something, I only do something to prove competency.

A great example of this was computer programming. I wanted to be a programmer, for whatever reason, it was a field I latched onto. I got into it at age 14, went to college for it, and was excellent at the field.

Then in college I got bored with it because rather than expanding knowledge, it evolved into actually doing the work of programming. 99% of my time would be spent writing code that I fully understood, and had written before... 1% of the time would be doing something new. Then I realized, I don't want to be a programmer who writes code for other people that I perfectly understand and that does not expand my knowledge horizons. To me, I was competent, and that's all I ever wanted... yet competency in the real world is consistent application of a technique, over and over, time after time, until eventually you're recognized for your work.

Yet as an INFJ, I don't care about external recognition as much as I care about giving myself recognition. We trust our own judgements more than others. So yeah... setting goals will never work for a person like me, because I'll achieve them to where I'm satisfied and then focus on something else... which means accomplishing nothing in the real world.

 

[sleepyhead]

Today has been calm . . . even relaxing, perhaps. And yet a disquietude creeps over me, and I find myself reflecting on my life and fully, grudgingly appreciating how little I've done with it. I don't mean to say that I've been unproductive (although I have been), nor do I speak in relative terms with a sense of: other people have done a, b and c by point x in their lives, and I should have done so, too. Rather, I speak comparatively insofar as I wonder if the emptiness I experience at present exists simply to the extent that I've led a life to the exclusion of anything with which to fill it.

I emphatically reject comparative gauges of success (whatever that means), so it is not without the greatest reservation that I use the word. But it is indeed ultimately comparative, if not explicitly a self-imposed, value-oriented metric. It's vaguely regretful and nostalgic musing, I suppose. Perhaps the following rephrasal will illustrate the distinction: other people have done a, b and c, by point x in their lives. I'm at point x, and I haven't. Life is underwhelming, to say the least. Would anything be different if I had?

I recognize both the futility and potential ramifications of entertaining speculative inquiries of this sort. I indulge only after considerable hesitation. But when I think of all the hours, days, months (perhaps even years) spent staring at a screen (or its even less engaging counterpart: a wall) I can't help but feel alarmed . . . even moderately disgusted with myself as I observe the world around me. Other people are doing things; I feel like I'm wallowing in my own figurative excrement—stagnating.

And if you can't understand why your world is so dead
And why you've got to keep in style and feed your head
Well, you're twenty one and still you mother makes your bed
And that's too long

Minus the situational particularities, these lyrics sum up my life quite elegantly. I'm doing nothing, going nowhere, and always have been. And despite profound disenchantment with and traditional disinterest in what life has to offer, in my perception, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm missing out.

Anyway, I'm definitely not looking for sympathy with this thread, and I'm really not looking for advice, either (though I welcome any, should people choose to offer it). As I conclude, it occurs to me that this post is probably useless and/or belongs in the diary of a twelve-year-old girl (albeit a disturbed one, to be sure). Sorry. I guess I'm just wondering if any other fives relate. Maybe? even a little bit?

This is an area where I don't relate to a lot of other 5's very much. What I see you saying is that you don't compare yourself to other people, but when you see what others have done and the kind of satisfaction they get out of their actions, you wonder if you're also missing out on something.

Can I ask if there's something in particular you feel you're missing?

My life has always felt very full and fulfilling and when ever I've had the urge to try something new, I usually do it. Sometimes I find something that I love, other times I'd be happy to never try an experience again. I see no point in looking back on my life and wondering "what if" - if I have an urge to try something, I usually do because I don't like regrets. If I don't feel the urge to do something, then I let it pass by. If I do feel a sense of melancholy looking back on how I've been living my life, it's a sign to me that I'm currently unsatisfied and something needs to change - whether that's find a new subject to research or stepping out of my comfort zone in a new activity.

My goal in life is to be happy and satisfied - I'm 26 and I've already reached any career aspirations I had; I don't plan to go back to school; I don't plan to change my position or employer; I've got the friends I need; and I've got my own private "castle" to make my own. So while I would say I relate to "I'm doing nothing, going nowhere, and always have been", I also feel like I'm much more of a "go with the flow" type person - even though I'm satisfied and just being, I'm happy in that and whatever little side adventures pop up in my life.

 

[Incorporeal]

Incoming wall-o-text . . . take cover! :crazy:

@Razare

Yet as an INFJ, I don't care about external recognition as much as I care about giving myself recognition. We trust our own judgements more than others. So yeah... setting goals will never work for a person like me, because I'll achieve them to where I'm satisfied and then focus on something else... which means accomplishing nothing in the real world.

I appreciate your reply. Thanks for taking the time to clarify on this point. Validation from others has never been something I've related to, and this would have been the one area from which we depart.

It's the case, I believe, that the substance that fills other people's lives has no substance to a 5.

I won't presume to speak on behalf of other fives (I don't know any), but I've intuited and—I suppose by default—implicitly accepted your view here. In my own case, however, I believe it's healthy to question this presupposition—potentially a costly preemptive judgment.

In particular, the notion that I am "different" from others or unique as to my "inherent" disinterest in what most people value represents a particularly seductive conclusion simply by virtue of my extraordinary self-absorption. I don't want to dismiss any possibilities prematurely (especially in light of my minimal experiential stratum), and based on appreciation of my natural inclinations, must take special care to avoid the dangers of misanthropy and elitism. These arise from delusions with which I desire no association. I would emphasize once more that I speak only for myself, and certainly do not mean to intimate that you strike me as misanthropic or elitist.

I do relate to your thoughts on goals, however, in my own way . . . . They've never worked well for me. Like yourself, I have very little tolerance for repetition or the otherwise unglamorous dimensions of advancing or materially executing a given function of whatever interest I happen to pursue. This, coupled with unhealthy perfectionism, sabotaged my work ethic and motivation at a very early age.

I am also drawn to the complex and unquantifiable . . . to domains where only imagination and ingenuity demarcate boundaries. Your observation that value manifests in the form of possibilities holds true with particular concernment, in my experience. Destinations represent self-imposed creative impotence—why start down a one-way street with the turnaround in sight? The trouble, of course, is that destinations also represent benchmarks in competency. Complete absence of direction is where I find myself now, and it is certainly no independently viable alternative.

I wholeheartedly believe in what I like to call "primacy of the present" philosophy, like yourself. Unfortunately, I lack ability to appreciate the present in a manner that justifies immediate investment in my interests. Nothing is fulfilling. At best, preoccupation with the present serves as a moderately stimulating distraction from nauseating self-obsession. But I'm no meditative guru. It's draining, and quite frankly unsustainable. Further, I must reach a requisite level of desperation to attain even a semblance of success here for any extended period. For it to be effective, a measure of deference to verisimilitude of my own construction is essential. I simply lack the willpower to suppress an active rational mind while maintaining the focus necessary to confine the rest of it; it is decidedly uncharacteristic for my thoughts to linger quietly within this sphere of immediacy—at least to the exclusion of others.

Because I think about this shit literally all the time, I actually have quite a bit more to say. But I'm going to spare anyone with the patience to actually read this and stop now. Hopefully I at least touched on most areas of your post. Thanks again for your contribution.

This is an area where I don't relate to a lot of other 5's very much. What I see you saying is that you don't compare yourself to other people, but when you see what others have done and the kind of satisfaction they get out of their actions, you wonder if you're also missing out on something.

Can I ask if there's something in particular you feel you're missing?

I appreciate your reply, as well. This is a very useful and important question, I think. Unfortunately, having wrested with it myself for some time, I doubt my ability to answer it with any degree of conviction.

That said, I believe the short answer is no. I don't think to myself: man, I bet I would feel complete if only I had ____. I'm curious about certain experiences, but I'm not invested in experiencing them as such. It's just that they seem so universally fundamental to the happiness of human beings that an inability to relate strikes me as almost inhuman. This is not facially troubling, but it is very unfortunate to the extent that, as a human, I am bound to humanity's inherent limitations. I am not spiritual, religious, or metaphysically-minded. I have no transmundane recourse should fulfillment in the material world elude me. I guess the bottom line is that I'm currently unhappy, and therefore unwilling to readily accept this in light of its dreary and fatalistic implications.

I'll take friendship as an example. Aside from a few relationships as a child, there's a sense in which I feel as though I've never had a friend. Now, I've always been a solitary type, and I admit that friendship has never been much of a priority. I'm not a bitter or woe-begotten loner; by and large, I am friendless by choice (at least behaviorally speaking). But this is so anomalous . . . so apparently contrary to the natural course of human development that, considering the current emptiness I feel, I really wonder if stuff like this contributes.

My life has always felt very full and fulfilling and when ever I've had the urge to try something new, I usually do it. Sometimes I find something that I love, other times I'd be happy to never try an experience again. I see no point in looking back on my life and wondering "what if" - if I have an urge to try something, I usually do because I don't like regrets. If I don't feel the urge to do something, then I let it pass by. If I do feel a sense of melancholy looking back on how I've been living my life, it's a sign to me that I'm currently unsatisfied and something needs to change - whether that's find a new subject to research or stepping out of my comfort zone in a new activity.

I agree. I'm not happy. I am plainly unsatisfied. The thing is, I'm not even sure I've ever been . . . perhaps momentarily and during certain phases of childhood. I'm beginning to doubt my capacity for either.

My goal in life is to be happy and satisfied - I'm 26 and I've already reached any career aspirations I had; I don't plan to go back to school; I don't plan to change my position or employer; I've got the friends I need; and I've got my own private "castle" to make my own. So while I would say I relate to "I'm doing nothing, going nowhere, and always have been", I also feel like I'm much more of a "go with the flow" type person - even though I'm satisfied and just being, I'm happy in that and whatever little side adventures pop up in my life.

I consider myself a "go with the flow" person as well, on the whole. But I am not satisfied with just being. I expect far too much from life.

 

[LeelaWho]

Substance for us is being recognized as competent at something... but in the end, we have to see ourselves in that light in order to be satisfied. Yet we can't possibly be competent at everything, and the things we've already mastered matter less to us than the possibilities that exist. This means we undervalue what we've achieved and are capable of, and overvalue what we've yet to accomplish and probably never will.

I can relate to the OP and especially to this.

I wonder what the point of it all is sometimes, even sometimes questioning my faith and if there's even a God.

And as soon as I master something it bores me. I don't consider this a "fault" anymore, from what I've been reading about the brain you have to constantly provide it with new material so you can stimulate it and activate more synapses. Something that you've mastered doesn't force you to use "alternate routes" and eventually (if you don't provide your brain with enough mental exercise) it comes to rely on "superhighways". If anything damages these superhighways there's no alternate route for the information to travel.

My friends think I'm weird about this. I do things I don't even like just to force my brain to grapple with the totally unexpected.

 

[Incorporeal]

I can relate to the OP and especially to this.

I wonder what the point of it all is sometimes, even sometimes questioning my faith and if there's even a God.

And as soon as I master something it bores me. I don't consider this a "fault" anymore, from what I've been reading about the brain you have to constantly provide it with new material so you can stimulate it and activate more synapses. Something that you've mastered doesn't force you to use "alternate routes" and eventually (if you don't provide your brain with enough mental exercise) it comes to rely on "superhighways". If anything damages these superhighways there's no alternate route for the information to travel.

My friends think I'm weird about this. I do things I don't even like just to force my brain to grapple with the totally unexpected.

I become bored long before achieving mastery. If I don't become discouraged almost immediately after beginning, the novelty inevitably wears off shortly thereafter, along with my initial interest.

 

[Humaning]

@Incorporeal
I can just see you right now. A candle burns in your desk flickering images into the wall that you can recognize as your own demons. They taunt and berate you, reminding you of your existential weaknesses. How you would long to be one of those that can dwell in the light and be jolly. But alas the apple lies bitten on the floor, testifying that you will never regain the ignorant joy of your youth. Outside, lightning hammers the ground, bursting into scintillas that illuminate the barren world. All is without purpose or meaning. And yet, you find a morbid comfort in this dark sentiment. You take pride on the fact that your soul has traversed through pits of terror that would derange lesser beings. You are an outcast and you will enjoy your stagnation because you already know that the world outside the mansion is just more hues of the same darkness. If you must dwell in darkness, you will fester in the shadows that emanate from your being. The demons dance in triumph and a crow lets out a terrible caw, as if it too approves of your decision...

Man, we live in the twenty first century, probably the most thrilling time to be alive in the history of the humanity! Every field of science is exploding with innovation, sharing ideas and art has never been so easy as posting a blog or picture, we are bridging all the cultural differences that divided us in the past and much more. You have a computer, the world of knowledge lies back with spread legs waiting for you... Sure most people out there are all trying to satisfy immediate needs, but this has been the case all throughout history, don't let it depress you. They don't care about progress; they simply want to be sedated and happy, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am sure the trees would not object to such a philosophy. I am sorry if I seem like a jerk, I am just poking a little fun at you, because I think you can take it. If you want some earnest advice and you are not too insulted to receive it, get out of your head and explore the world around you. There is so much to learn and experience that you will not be able to behold it in its entirety, even if you live to five-hundred years. Aside from shame, boredom is the biggest lie your brain has taught you. Break free.

 

[LeelaWho]

I become bored long before achieving mastery. If I don't become discouraged almost immediately after beginning, the novelty inevitably wears off shortly thereafter, along with my initial interest.

I guess part of it depends on your definition of "mastery"?

I certainly don't study things until I'm at PHD level. It's a "mastery enough for me" level which varies depending on the activity.

Are you bored because of disinterest or because it's too easy? For an internet post, you used a whopping huge vocabulary, leading me to think you're very educated. I find that anymore culture/books/etc. are VERY watered down or written with the vocabulary levels of a middle-schooler. I read new books once a while but can't tolerate too many at once because the fluff and shallowness get to me.

 

[Incorporeal]

@Incorporeal
I can just see you right now. A candle burns in your desk flickering images into the wall that you can recognize as your own demons. They taunt and berate you, reminding you of your existential weaknesses. How you would long to be one of those that can dwell in the light and be jolly. But alas the apple lies bitten on the floor, testifying that you will never regain the ignorant joy of your youth. Outside, lightning hammers the ground, bursting into scintillas that illuminate the barren world. All is without purpose or meaning. And yet, you find a morbid comfort in this dark sentiment. You take pride on the fact that your soul has traversed through pits of terror that would derange lesser beings. You are an outcast and you will enjoy your stagnation because you already know that the world outside the mansion is just more hues of the same darkness. If you must dwell in darkness, you will fester in the shadows that emanate from your being. The demons dance in triumph and a crow lets out a terrible caw, as if it too approves of your decision...

Man, we live in the twenty first century, probably the most thrilling time to be alive in the history of the humanity! Every field of science is exploding with innovation, sharing ideas and art has never been so easy as posting a blog or picture, we are bridging all the cultural differences that divided us in the past and much more. You have a computer, the world of knowledge lies back with spread legs waiting for you... Sure most people out there are all trying to satisfy immediate needs, but this has been the case all throughout history, don't let it depress you. They don't care about progress; they simply want to be sedated and happy, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am sure the trees would not object to such a philosophy. I am sorry if I seem like a jerk, I am just poking a little fun at you, because I think you can take it. If you want some earnest advice and you are not too insulted to receive it, get out of your head and explore the world around you. There is so much to learn and experience that you will not be able to behold it in its entirety, even if you live to five-hundred years. Aside from shame, boredom is the biggest lie your brain has taught you. Break free.

Loving the introduction! :laughing:

You know, I'd actually be cool with feeling sedated and happy.

Anyway, I do believe that all is invariably a matter of perspective; this is why, despite prevailing boredom and hopelessness, I do not yet despair. I'm far from optimistic, though, and recognize that I cannot keep bleaker visions at bay indefinitely. I fear the future.

 

[Incorporeal]

I guess part of it depends on your definition of "mastery"?

I certainly don't study things until I'm at PHD level. It's a "mastery enough for me" level which varies depending on the activity.

This is very true. As I mentioned in the OP, I'm well acquainted with perfectionism. Historically, I've held myself to impossible standards, which predictably contributes to feelings of futility and inadequacy. I don't directly compare myself to others. Because demand the impossible of myself, I don't need to.


Are you bored because of disinterest or because it's too easy? For an internet post, you used a whopping huge vocabulary, leading me to think you're very educated. I find that anymore culture/books/etc. are VERY watered down or written with the vocabulary levels of a middle-schooler. I read new books once a while but can't tolerate too many at once because the fluff and shallowness get to me.

The direct answer to your question is that I'm disinterested. The best answer, I think, is that I'm bored because I'm a boring person.

A word or two on my internet presence:

My vocabulary is artificially inflated, and undoubtedly grossly overstates my educative qualifications and intellectual vitality. My mind is fairly one-dimensional in thought and vacuous most of the time, honestly. Because I've historically struggled with communicating my thoughts, my facility with language (or more precisely, my vocabulary) is an area that I've consciously striven to develop. I was very naive and immature to believe that this would help. In the end, although I've learned a mountain of words since I began, I haven't acquired anything useful to say. And I still struggle now (perhaps more than ever, truthfully) to communicate. The more familiar I become with language, the more pronounced its limitations—as well as my own—become.

 

[Razare]

Because I think about this shit literally all the time, I actually have quite a bit more to say. But I'm going to spare anyone with the patience to actually read this and stop now. Hopefully I at least touched on most areas of your post. Thanks again for your contribution.

Great reply

As for finding enjoyment in the present, often there are things that I'm subtly drawn to. Perhaps they are leftover remnants of youthful ambition still within me. I just have to make a point to apply effort toward these areas even if I'm not feeling like I have the motivation to. Once I get into it, I connect with that little bit of motivation still in me to accomplish something in the here and now. Which grants me a modicum of contentment even if just for the time spent on the effort.

Also, I try to pick activities not for their end result, but for the enjoyment of doing them. One such activity is game design, which I love. I have this game I'm working on... poured maybe 400 to 800 hours into it? and my need for perfection sounds similar to yours, so there's perhaps 10 minutes of game-play finished. I know I'll likely never finish it, and I've learned to accept that fact. I enjoy doing it for the sake of doing it.

This way, I can drop the project anytime I'm not feeling motivated, without any regret or pang in my heart. I can also pick the activity back up a year later if I'm bored and looking for something different to do.

It's good to have a hobby like this, I think, I'd be lost without it. For me, this game is my "Mona Lisa". It's never intended to be finished, only continually perfected.

 

[Incorporeal]

Great reply

As for finding enjoyment in the present, often there are things that I'm subtly drawn to. Perhaps they are leftover remnants of youthful ambition still within me. I just have to make a point to apply effort toward these areas even if I'm not feeling like I have the motivation to. Once I get into it, I connect with that little bit of motivation still in me to accomplish something in the here and now. Which grants me a modicum of contentment even if just for the time spent on the effort.

Also, I try to pick activities not for their end result, but for the enjoyment of doing them. One such activity is game design, which I love. I have this game I'm working on... poured maybe 400 to 800 hours into it? and my need for perfection sounds similar to yours, so there's perhaps 10 minutes of game-play finished. I know I'll likely never finish it, and I've learned to accept that fact. I enjoy doing it for the sake of doing it.

This way, I can drop the project anytime I'm not feeling motivated, without any regret or pang in my heart. I can also pick the activity back up a year later if I'm bored and looking for something different to do.

It's good to have a hobby like this, I think, I'd be lost without it. For me, this game is my "Mona Lisa". It's never intended to be finished, only continually perfected.

I wish I had a hobby like that, man. I feel totally lost.

I just hope that learning to enjoy the present is either a skill I may yet acquire or that I prove receptive to some sort of neurological reprogramming. I really ought to start meditating.

In the meantime, I just try vary the routine now and then . . . get out of the house every once in a while, read something on self-development. Maybe I need a could use a spree of bacchanalian debauchery to really shake things up! :laughing:

 

[sleepyhead]

I wish I had a hobby like that, man. I feel totally lost.

I just hope that learning to enjoy the present is either a skill I may yet acquire or that I prove receptive to some sort of neurological reprogramming. I really ought to start meditating.

In the meantime, I just try vary the routine now and then . . . get out of the house every once in a while, read something on self-development. Maybe I need a could use a spree of bacchanalian debauchery to really shake things up! :laughing:

I know you were saying the meditating thing partly in jest, but honestly, meditating has been the thing that's made the biggest difference in my life in the past two years. I started getting into it seriously a year and a half ago and did an Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course a year ago and it really changed my life. I can't believe how often I was actually in my head when I thought I was present. I still wrestle with a lot of issues but it's basically helped me overcome my anxiety and take on a lot more challenges. If you do decide to get into mindfulness meditation I highly recommend starting with anything by Jon Kabat-Zinn but especially Full Catastrophe Living and his audio Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 which I know is available on torrent sites. I fall in and out of regular practice but it's been a real journey for me and a whole new way of examining myself. I also can't stop reading about neuroplasticity and how we can change our brain patterns. I can't stop watching docs about it and reading books. That's been a big reason why I'm so fascinated with mediation. I never thought I could be the kind of person who meditates but now I can't imagine not doing on a fairly regular basis.

 

[Incorporeal]

I know you were saying the meditating thing partly in jest, but honestly, meditating has been the thing that's made the biggest difference in my life in the past two years. I started getting into it seriously a year and a half ago and did an Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course a year ago and it really changed my life. I can't believe how often I was actually in my head when I thought I was present. I still wrestle with a lot of issues but it's basically helped me overcome my anxiety and take on a lot more challenges. If you do decide to get into mindfulness meditation I highly recommend starting with anything by Jon Kabat-Zinn but especially Full Catastrophe Living and his audio Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 which I know is available on torrent sites. I fall in and out of regular practice but it's been a real journey for me and a whole new way of examining myself. I also can't stop reading about neuroplasticity and how we can change our brain patterns. I can't stop watching docs about it and reading books. That's been a big reason why I'm so fascinated with mediation. I never thought I could be the kind of person who meditates but now I can't imagine not doing on a fairly regular basis.

Actually, I was totally serious about the meditation bit. I've had powerful meditative experiences in the past, and both my intuition and understanding of its benefits for many practitioners incline me toward the idea. I've been wanting to start a routine for almost six months now, but as usual, lack the discipline to commit.

If I ever motivate myself to do anything, I'll seriously consider your recommendations. Thank you! :happy:

I could really use some altered brain patterns . . . .

 

[Phantomhive]

I just read your post about thinking you might be missing out on life (the original one) It's a wonder I stumbled upon it, because I was just talking to my therapist this morning about how meaningless I think my life is. I told her I didn't want to be part of it anymore because it just gets worse and the pay off isn't great enough. She then put me on suicide watch. I continued to explain I don't have "feelings" of suicide. It's more like thoughts, a trajectory of what is to come. She understood but still made me fill out a blue sheet saying I'd mentioned suicide and all that crap. Anyway, all this is to say you aren't alone in the alphabet game of a,b, c....to point x. I feel that way a lot. Sometimes I just sit because I don't want to do mundane activities. I want to spend my energy on something big.

 

[Incorporeal]

I just read your post about thinking you might be missing out on life (the original one) It's a wonder I stumbled upon it, because I was just talking to my therapist this morning about how meaningless I think my life is. I told her I didn't want to be part of it anymore because it just gets worse and the pay off isn't great enough. She then put me on suicide watch. I continued to explain I don't have "feelings" of suicide. It's more like thoughts, a trajectory of what is to come. She understood but still made me fill out a blue sheet saying I'd mentioned suicide and all that crap. Anyway, all this is to say you aren't alone in the alphabet game of a,b, c....to point x. I feel that way a lot. Sometimes I just sit because I don't want to do mundane activities. I want to spend my energy on something big.

I relate to these sentiments very much. I don't want to turn this into a suicide thread, but you're certainly not alone in that arena.

I was a bit confused by your opening language, though . . . "the original one"?

Incidentally, I recently resurrected this thread on suicide ideation, if you're interested in taking a look: http://personalitycafe.com/enneagra...e-ideation-enneagram-types-5.html#post2523802

It occurred to me that you may have actually been referring to this post, but I'm really not sure. Hopefully you can clarify what you meant when it's convenient. :happy:

 

[Phantomhive]

No that's the whole thing. I wasnt threatening suicide either and she thought I was. The original post to opening of this thread. Re-reading it I can see that that is about the most confusing way I could reply to something. So you don't feel like the pay off is great enough either? I'm eighteen and people tell me that everyone goes through these feelings which makes things even worse because the last thing I want is to be classified as everyone else. I'm not an angsty teen (although I used to be). If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

 

[LeelaWho]

The direct answer to your question is that I'm disinterested. The best answer, I think, is that I'm bored because I'm a boring person.

A word or two on my internet presence:

My vocabulary is artificially inflated, and undoubtedly grossly overstates my educative qualifications and intellectual vitality. My mind is fairly one-dimensional in thought and vacuous most of the time, honestly. Because I've historically struggled with communicating my thoughts, my facility with language (or more precisely, my vocabulary) is an area that I've consciously striven to develop. I was very naive and immature to believe that this would help. In the end, although I've learned a mountain of words since I began, I haven't acquired anything useful to say. And I still struggle now (perhaps more than ever, truthfully) to communicate. The more familiar I become with language, the more pronounced its limitations—as well as my own—become.

I don't find your writing vacuous. And if you recognized something as a weakness and developed yourself until it got better, then that's pretty awesome and not boring at all. :wink:

I'm also very bad at under-estimating myself and saying my own abilities are practically worthless. It annoys everyone and people are constantly telling me that I'm capable and smart, though I stare at them like they're lying.
@sleepyhead , I know that post wasn't meant for me, but thanks for the suggestions. I'm also fascinated by neuroplasticity and your suggestions sound awesome.

 

[Incorporeal]

No that's the whole thing. I wasnt threatening suicide either and she thought I was. The original post to opening of this thread. Re-reading it I can see that that is about the most confusing way I could reply to something. So you don't feel like the pay off is great enough either? I'm eighteen and people tell me that everyone goes through these feelings which makes things even worse because the last thing I want is to be classified as everyone else. I'm not an angsty teen (although I used to be). If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer to discuss this via pm. Shoot me a message if you're still interested. :happy:

I don't find your writing vacuous. And if you recognized something as a weakness and developed yourself until it got better, then that's pretty awesome and not boring at all. :wink:

I'm also very bad at under-estimating myself and saying my own abilities are practically worthless. It annoys everyone and people are constantly telling me that I'm capable and smart, though I stare at them like they're lying.
@sleepyhead , I know that post wasn't meant for me, but thanks for the suggestions. I'm also fascinated by neuroplasticity and your suggestions sound awesome.

The self-deprecation in my previous post may have been excessive. I can tend toward the hyperbolic when frustrated; I don't really believe my mind is vacuous, on the whole. I only meant to convey my distaste for how single-mindedly preoccupied I often become with respect to my current "plight." Confidence and self-esteem have never been my strong suits.

It's nice to hear that others relate, though.

 

[Phantomhive]

I will as soon as my post count is great enough. apparently you have to post fifteen times in order to pm people. Don't know why, seems like a kind of strange rule to me.