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Discussion Starter #1
So here I go...
I am about to summarize my life sort of.
I want your opinions and advices on as to how to go forward.

-> I am born an Orchid child and an Intellectual HSP.
-> My parents had toxic parenting in their childhoods, but were lot caring towards us, still those toxic beliefs do travel to us too.
-> I had extremely perfectionist mom (ESFP) and she had unrealistic expectations from us, regarding how we should do things and how we should be behaving.
-> My dad, INTJ and sort of a cerbral narc, he was born under a toxic narc mother.
-> Both the parents did helicopter parenting, invalidated my feelings, and did gaslighting.
(Dad does gaslighting and this is agreed by my mom and brother as well).

^^ that's how I had percieved it all. The facts are true. But the invalidation of feelings ... How much this is true this I don't know.
My mom agrees that my dad invalidates anyone's thoughts and does gaslighting.

But, the point is that it is only Me who had been affected by all this.
I have a younger INFP brother also who is able to do things according to his wish.
But I get bound sort of to my parent's wishes.

I am 23 years old. Whole 18 years I had lived in constant fear and anxiety that I will upset my mom and dad. I had been gaslighted a lot, made to change my thoughts and feelings and my feelings were decided by my dad

That's how I had lived my life. And obviously, I lived it in defence machanisms.

I will not say that my parents are bad. I would rather say that they didn't suit me. I don't really know.

Even if they change, the toxic beliefs emitted by them such as "I can't do any work or I will remain stupid and never enough no matter how hard I try"... These beliefs are like a constant. Even if I do things better than them and I am more right always than them.

Problem is my own mind! I had tried to change it a lot but the environment makes me constantly stuck again in that negative thought pattern only!

There's no option of leaving my house here.
 

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INTJ 5w4 (Sp/Sx) 514
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Well, it looks like you need to reframe the issue here.
If you can't change the environment around you, then you need to change your inner mindset.
I know you stated that you are an Orchid Child and an HSP, but those labels really don't mean anything.
If you don't do anything, you are going to remain easily manipulated. The choice is on you.

I think the first thing to do is to start removing yourself from your father. At least, try to stop caring about what he thinks.
He's probably going to get angry (since he is using the tactics that you listed to control you).
But if you can get past that initial rage, you can do anything. He'll have no control over you if you don't let it happen.

Your INFP brother seems to be doing this pretty well, maybe you should talk to him. Get a grasp on how he thinks?
You are the only person that you can count on to always be there. Don't let yourself down.
 

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I think one of the biggest blocks to learning and becoming good at things (in life in general) is when people a) refuse to work hard, b) refuse to try, and c) quit. And if you become good at things over time (and this can be any variety - doesn't have to be academic but it can be), then that's when you form new pathways in your brain as you go through the learning process, and that's when you develop more skills and become more intelligent, more capable, more resilient, etc. etc. overall. If someone is talented and quits (at something, anything) then they've acheived a lot less than someone who has less natural talent and keeps going because this second person will almost certainly achieve far more than the person who had the initial talent but quit sooner.
 

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This was eerily similiar to my own childhood.

Accept the effects of your past. Keep taking small steps to your goals, dont compare yourself to those around you and focus on making it happen in the long run.

For controlling the stress related to change, the biggest thing that helped me was forming healthy habits with food, exercise and sleep. You should also work towards having friends to help you with the stress and easing the experience of moving to other environments to change your thought patterns.

I still do struggle with trust and feeling, but there has been a lot of progress from what it once was.

Dont give up, make your experiences more comfortable and learn to enjoy them.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I think one of the biggest blocks to learning and becoming good at things (in life in general) is when people a) refuse to work hard, b) refuse to try, and c) quit. And if you become good at things over time (and this can be any variety - doesn't have to be academic but it can be), then that's when you form new pathways in your brain as you go through the learning process, and that's when you develop more skills and become more intelligent, more capable, more resilient, etc. etc. overall. If someone is talented and quits (at something, anything) then they've acheived a lot less than someone who has less natural talent and keeps going because this second person will almost certainly achieve far more than the person who had the initial talent but quit sooner.
But I have a fight with my fear that I might be wrong always in whatever I will think (naturally).

I had developed a derivative style of thinking, a mathematical style, I form conclusions and I think based on what is considered right by other people.
There's this sort of distrust in myself regarding THINKING, LABELLING MY FEELINGS AND FORMING OPINIONS.
And I know this by experience that strong will, determination, hardwork, push me more into problems. Because I am already outside my comfort zone, at the opposite end of my real self.

Thoughts?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
This was eerily similiar to my own childhood.

Accept the effects of your past. Keep taking small steps to your goals, dont compare yourself to those around you and focus on making it happen in the long run.

For controlling the stress related to change, the biggest thing that helped me was forming healthy habits with food, exercise and sleep. You should also work towards having friends to help you with the stress and easing the experience of moving to other environments to change your thought patterns.

I still do struggle with trust and feeling, but there has been a lot of progress from what it once was.

Dont give up, make your experiences more comfortable and learn to enjoy them.
True... Thank you. Your enneagram is similar to mine.
I am 3w4 6w7 9w1
 

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But I have a fight with my fear that I might be wrong always in whatever I will think (naturally).

I had developed a derivative style of thinking, a mathematical style, I form conclusions and I think based on what is considered right by other people.
There's this sort of distrust in myself regarding THINKING, LABELLING MY FEELINGS AND FORMING OPINIONS.
And I know this by experience that strong will, determination, hardwork, push me more into problems. Because I am already outside my comfort zone, at the opposite end of my real self.

Thoughts?
There isn't a link. If we are focusing on productive things then we are less likely to waste time with unproductive thinking.
 

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I say, "you can't feel sad, because I gave you everything you have."

wtf lol that makes no sense! would be as retarded as saying you cant feel happy because you dont have a broom.
 

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I say, "you can't feel sad, because I gave you everything you have."

wtf lol that makes no sense! would be as retarded as saying you cant feel happy because you dont have a broom.
Which is why I try not to use that phrase with other people. Sad thing is, real people will invalidate other people's feelings. I'm sure you've heard someone try to invalidate yours.
 

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Invalidation of feelings = telling someone their feelings aren't valid (or don't exist).

Examples:

"I'm scared."
"How can you be scared? That's ridiculous."

"I don't want to go."
"Of course you do. Come on, get in the car."
 

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Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
Me: "I am feeling bad"

Him: "No, you are not feeling bad. Let me tell you. You are just being lazy and trying to escape the work so that you don't have to work hard. You are being biased. You don't want to accept your mistakes. I will tell you what your real feelings are. Your real feelings are that of laziness and biases."

Another situation-

Me: Crying

Him: "She is just being biased, and being in victim mode. She is so lazy. She does not want to work. She doesn't have any reason to cry. "

Another situation--

Me: wow, that is a challenge, I will take this challenge. I will reach this position.

Him: Why do you take such challenges? Be realistic! You can never reach at that place. You will never work so hard. You will never be able to do that. Its impossible. Don't take everything like a challenge. Take a short aim which is suitable for you and work on it.

Another situation--

Me: Please let me do it myself.

Him: Do you even know how to do it?

Me: I will see and figure it out, I will learn.

Him: You will end up making everything worst. Once you grow older, then you can do things on your own. Right now, let us do it. Don't fight with us.

Anyways, I have figured out, I am not an intp, I am an infj and 3w4. So the thread should not be here in the intp forum
 
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