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I'd really like to solve this chronic loneliness by going out more or talking to people more, but all it does is prove my worse fears to be true; i have nothing to offer.

How do you battle the reoccurring shame? Are we really broken?

for those who do not feel broken, are you an enneagram 4 or 5?
 

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I go out and do a lot of stuff. But its always with the same bunch of people. So I don't really expand my social circle ever. I have little to offer around "new" peeps. because then I'm usually quiet, reserved. There are some occasions I am able to break my natural self a bit. I don't really have advice. I have learned that if you just let go and have fun most peeps generally end up liking you (and if they don't, who cares, right, heh). around those I i've been around for so long they find me one who offers a lot. anything from a good talk/advice to doing something random and stupid with them.

I'm a 9w4 or 9w7 depending on when i take the test

I don't think we are broken. We just need to find the right people to be social with. There are groups I do not mesh well at all with. and I have nothing to offer them. and they offer nothing to me.
 

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I'd really like to solve this chronic loneliness by going out more or talking to people more, but all it does is prove my worse fears to be true; i have nothing to offer.

How do you battle the reoccurring shame? Are we really broken?

for those who do not feel broken, are you an enneagram 4 or 5?
I think of it this way; if you FEAR having nothing to offer, then chances are that you have more to offer than you will ever be aware of. You care and want to offer, so therefore, you always will. Get out there and just meet people and you will find someone to whom you mean more to than you will ever know. =)

You sound like such a smart guy, and kind-hearted at that; do you know how many women are with assholes right now and would kill them just to have you? You'll find out soon enough. ;)

Also, I am a 4w5. I used to be broken, but I am fixed. (for now.) xD
 

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The only way to battle the shame is to learn the truth: that you are not pathetic, unlovable or unwanted. You have to admit that you are on a whole different playing field than most guys though. You know you have to be true to yourself and yet everything you want is available to you only through acting like an idiot with no conscience. I am just as lonely as you are, and I don't have any advice as to how to stop feeling that way. But I have felt just as ashamed as you do, and this my friend is a problem that can be solved.

You have regular friends, yes? So is it failure to attract women that keeps making you feel unworthy? ANYONE who feels the way you do right now would be absolutely paralyzed making good impressions and real connections. Drop the dating worries for a few so you can stop basing your self worth on whether or not you are getting married next week. Talk to people you can trust and let it out, you cannot feel okay about yourself if you keep these very serious feelings of inferiority a secret. You must admit that you feel this way and can't help it, you should not be ashamed of being depressed, it isn't your fault.

The crap you're taking on a daily isn't fair, it doesn't match up to your efforts. You try harder than most people yet get less acceptance. Forgive yourself, you don't deserve this, you aren't stupid or weak. Only after trying to kill myself did I realize that I never had any control over what I was going through, that I couldn't help scaring people away with my fears and insecurities. Don't blame yourself for having a rough life, you are carrying an impossible burden if you think you are wrong for being YOU! You need some serious compassion, not just from friends and family, but from yourself. Imagine you just met me and I am exactly like you, are you going to hate me for being insecure and lonely? You better not jerk! I'm a good guy, so are you, give yourself some credit for all that you have been suffering through on your own.

I know you gotta have that exterior support to be able to feel alright about who you are, and I'm sorry you haven't been getting it. Protect yourself, take care of yourself, hide amongst good people who treat you right, until you can get some self-esteem back and have success with everyone else. Stop believing that arsehole inside who says you are to blame for all of this, trust me, it's just part of being an INFP dude, it sucks. When you start feeling better about yourself you will have way more to offer than the average joe. Don't buy into that crap about being less than anyone else, you are hurting bad and no one can be mister popular feeling that way, don't try to. Just do what you can to get better and learn to love yourself as you are, stop holding yourself to standards that no one could achieve.
 

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Expound on this. Are you trying to create friends or intimate relationships or both? What makes you feel you have nothing to offer? What do you feel you should be capable of offering? What do you value in relationships with people?

I can feel lonely a lot of the time -- I think its because I’m usually so misunderstood and feel like I can’t connect that I give up early in my interactions with people. When I do go out and try to meet people I feel like I can’t relate with them or I have nothing to talk about with them or I’m just so boring or awkward and overly critical of my interactions with them that I just close the conversation as soon as there is an opening and make my exit – and then I feel even more alone and yes, broken. Sometimes the feelings of shame, loneliness or worthlessness are so overwhelming that I shut people out completely to prevent any possibility of more damage. So I escape into movies or video games, drawing, sleeping, whatever. I know these aren’t always healthy things but they ease the pain. But I always dust myself off and I go back out there and try again. Life is too short, and equally at the same time too long to live without other people. Don’t’ worry about having nothing to offer the truth is we’re all broken really and that’s the beauty of it.
 

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I'm Enneagram Type 4.

Yeah the feeling of ''loneliness'' can be hard. In struggling with it, I just fight internally or concentrate on my dreams (even though some of them haven't surfaced to reality yet). I just try to find things that I'm already grateful for.

As for interacting with people, are there any particular fears? Are you Enneagram Type 4? It could be because you feel a little too different, and you don't know how to deal with it if you're type 4...

Sorry if I'm not helping.
 

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Feeling broken and useless and like you've little to offer all tend to be constant companions when you're feeling depressed or melancholy. From what I've seen on here, you're a pretty cool guy, considerate, and want to help others. Any one of those traits alone would be more than enough to make you a person of worth whom others would want to be around. I know it's hard to see or understand that when you feel like you're this sort of black hole that just can't seem to say the right thing or take the right action or just didn't do enough.

Here's the thing though - any effort what so ever is a victory. Any attempt to do more than what another soul would do, any offer of advice, any kind word is so much more than what is actually expected of you. I know it seems like that's what any decent person would do and so there's nothing special, but honestly, it is special and those kind or caring or empathetic words or actions mean so very much, whether its for a friend or a stranger whom you smile at as you're walking down the street.

Just don't forget to let yourself take your own advice and suggestions. Be kind and say something nice about yourself at least once a day. It's okay, it's not selfish, it's not narcisstic, it's not wrong. It is encouraging, it is nice, it is gentle, and it is confidence so that you can go out and act on those desires you have to be a better person, to be a worthy person in your own eyes.

As for life being lonely, yeah, it can be. If you let your fear of not being as good as you think you should be then you're going to isolate yourself more and more until there is very little left of you to go out into the world and be that friend and man you think you should be. I know that you are a pretty cool cat and that your friends think so too, but they probably don't know how to pull you out of your shell.

One thing that a friend of mine pointed out to me last weekend would apply to you as well. I had been talking with her about my recent decision to take time away from many of my friends and to try to focus on determining who I was and what I stood for and one thing I have been figuring out is that I kind of like the person I'm becoming. She told me, "faerie, it's taken you way too long to figure that out. Do you think I would be friends with a person I didn't like or appreciate or thought was a good and decent person? I'm glad you like who you're seeing, but I've been seeing her for a long time, glad you're finally catching up to the rest of us."

I think the same could probably be applied to you. Your friends like you and think you're a good person. If you respect them and their opinions, then take a look at yourself and figure out what it is that they see in you that you aren't seeing. I don't have a lot of friends I see on a regular basis, (my two roommates I see fairly frequently, one other friend I see about 1-2 times every week or so, and then another two friends I see about once a month) but they and their opinions mean the world to me, and really, I should have recognized that there was a reason they liked me and care about me as much as they do. The same would hold true for you as well.

So, basically, take some time to discover what it is that your friends that you do have appreciate you for and encourage those traits to grow. If you really think there isn't anything there, think again, because I can guarantee there are many, many things they appreciate you for. Once you've done that, I think you'll find a bit more confidence to be able to go out and explore the world more.

Good luck, and I hope you have a good journey. *hugs*

(oh, and I'm 4w5 sp/sx in case you were still wanting to know that)
 

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I struggle with feeling useless on a regular basis. I have only a few friends and when I'm with strangers I don't feel like I have much to offer. I certainly don't feel like I have much to offer to the opposite sex. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have much to offer to my friends.

The only advice I have to give is hang in there and don't give up. Sorry I don't have much more than that to offer. I hope everything gets better for you.


I'm Enneagram Type 4, by the way.
 

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I socialize plenty. The problem is though that even if I'm a part of the conversation in a group (whether it's friends or co-workers) I still feel lonely and isolated. I'm able to live up to my personal responsibilities (except cleaning my appartment, heh) and I feel very good about doing it; that way I feel I can somehow keep my shame at bay because I can repay society for being such a bad person when I was a child. Especially working in a hospital; assembly-line work is just depressing.

I've always mostly done stuff because of others. Even if it isn't specific people I know. But I don't really do much for me. When I was a cleaner, I'd exhaust myself to do the job properly, but I can't even motivate myself to clean my appartment - even when it reaches unhealthy levels of not being clean. I'm more likely to do stuff for others than for myself and the more needy the others are (eg. patients), the more I'll do for them. I always end up kicking myself for not doing a proper job, even if I did what was expected of me and more.

Got a little off the track there, but maybe I do what I mentioned above because it's literally the only thing I have to offer others; service. And maybe I'm lonely because I automatically think of others (even friends) as people I have to serve; costumers. You can't have deep connections with costumers of your service, it would diminish the quality of the service. I probably exaggerated a bit there cause I do have deep connections with my friends. But not nearly deep enough (no, I don't mean that in a sexual manner). I've never ever met a person who completely understood me, neither online or in real life.
 

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I felt like that for decades on end. Out of sheer social poverty I would bury myself in intellectual pursuits. So I know what you mean, to a good extent.
Its not that I never had any friends. Its more that I had to hide almost all of me away all the time and I was alone with my thoughts and feelings.
I only managed to break out of that mold about two years ago when I finally found the way to discover myself and in so doing discover the world as well.
Many times I have been tempted to think like you and allow my soul to descend into self inflicted darkness. But I never fell for that trap because I instinctively knew that is not the way. All of us, you too, have something great to offer this world.
 

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i have nothing wise to contribute (nothing that comes to mind, anyway) - i just wanted to say that i think it's really cute that this thread has kindasorta accidentally become the "love Acey" thread :proud:
 

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I get my socialization from two sources, one from school, where people talk to me but I mostly just sit there and listen. Second, from online, I actually take my online friendships seriously. Other than that I never go out unless my mom forces me to, I don't have a group of friends that always hang out with me, it's pretty much a lonely existence.

My family always tells me to go out and just make some friends, y'know strike up a couple random conversations and all but they don't understand how hard it is to do that. If I was in first or second grade when people are not really judgmental then yeah striking up random conversations would work but it's hard when you're older and you don't want to appear creepy talking to strangers.

It takes me a while to gain the confidence to be social around people, so most of my friends are only my friends because I see them everyday and I go to a small school. I'm worried that I'll be even more lonely when I go to college and leave all my highschool friends.
 
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