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[Limerence]



========Apology============

First off:
I apologize for rechewing knowlege of limerence that has already been stated.
Furthermore I want to add:
Most of the stuff I wrote down is in no way Science based.
Mrs. Tennov would probably be rolling in her grave if she read this.
However since I feel it neccessary, I'll post this one anyways, so bare with me.

========Introduction========
Limerence runs on 'what ifs':
Therefore the easiest way to 'break free' is to remove any kind of chance that those "imaginations" will come true EVER.
Daydreaming might be considered fine and even healthy in a usual manner, but constantly dreaming of such unattainable thing as another person WILL DAMAGE YOU in the long run.

I consider myself lucky regarding the duration of my limerence(s), as they nearly do not last as long as other people's that I have read about online.
(Longest for me was about 9 months)

Since I went through the limerence game 3 times and feel like I learned quite a bit ,
(and admittetly, wasn't *actually* interested in any of the LO's as I figured afterwards)
I guess it's time I wrote a thread.


I do not claim universal applicablity of my methods, but I write them down in hope that they might help.
They helped me obviously.

I deem those methods as applicable to both genders.
That should be a no-brainer.


=========Theory===============
Limerence is your minds way of showing you problems you have, manifested in another person.
When you conquer your limerence, you will have learned alot about yourself, in order to be a congruent person again.
Therefore it is MANDATORY to eventuelly face-off with yourself.
That is the main-purpose of limerence: Personal Character Growth


=======Steps that helped me========

1. Contact em and REMOVE ANY CHANCE OF RECIPROCATION
- Get to know them
- Talk to them in person \ Call them
- if talking is not possbile: add them on a social network or anything similar.
Even E-mail is a valid option.

You'll want to make sure that you realize: 'why was I so stupid ?'
[99% of the time your brain uses the other person as a 'template' and fills in the rest => your dream wom/an so to say !
ONLY PROBLEM: That person DOESN'T exist !]



2. PURGE YOUR MIND
Remove/Lockaway anything that reminds you of them.
- Throw away pictures.
- Throw away possesions that remind you of them (Poems, pictures drawn, everything)
- If you cannot bring yourself to throw em away, stash em somewhere safe, or gift em to other people
(You will smile some time from now when you look at them again, trust me, it's like a time-machine)



3. Collect your fragments:
Find back to the person you were BEFORE you met them !
- your passions
- your dreams
- your hobbies.
When limerence strikes, only the most hardcore goals you have will survive this severe hit.
Your LO WILL take PRIORITY in your mind.
=>
MAKE SURE to take this step seriously.




==========After it is over============
- Make sure you remember what caused you to be limerent.
(You should have found out by finding back to yourself)
Whatever it was, it was probably something you missed in your life.
- Remember this one / Write it down !
+ Make an effort to change things to accomodate this.
The lesson you learn from limerence is one that will always follow you in your life.
In a sense... it is you.



======Closing thoughts=============
Limerence teaches you alot about yourself.
Also it shows you traits (of other ppl) that attract you.
So it makes sense to draw conclusions for oneself



Most important rule:
- Don't view your LO, or limerence as an 'enemy' or a wicked being of any sort.
-The limerence stems from within yourself.
-The person you are limerent with (your LO) has "actually" very little to play part in that.
=>
Keep that in mind also the next time you *know* someone is limerent on you.
Stay polite and humble, yet set firm boundaries if you do not reciprocate.



So now that I finished putting my brain in a thread:
What are your thoughts on this, fellow coffee-enthusiast ?
 

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I lost the ability to even do this in my early twenties.

In the Bible, they describe this as "vain imaginations".
 

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Isn't "limerence" just a form of projection? Is the invention of the term 'limerence' covering new territory or granting greater explanatory power? Did we need a new word? (serious question, I don't know the answer)

It's an inability to discern between illusions woven around a fictitious image of a person and the actual person from which that fictitious image is derived.


'When we enter a new situation in life and are confronted by a new person, we bring with us the prejudices of the past and our previous experiences of people. These prejudices we project upon the new person.

Indeed, getting to know a person is largely a matter of withdrawing projections; of dispelling the smoke-screen of what we imagine he is like and replacing it with the reality of what he is actually like.' - Anthony Storr​

...

"At first one thinks one knows the other person, for when I project I have the strong feeling of intimate knowledge.

At the first meeting there is no need to talk: you know everything about each other – that is a complete projection – the wonderful feeling of being one and having known each other for many ages.

Then suddenly the other behaves in an unexpected way and there is disappointment. One falls out of the clouds and feels that “this is not it.”

If you then go on, you must do two things, for now there is a double war: you must find out why you had such an illusion and who the other person is if he or she is not what you expected.

Who is he or she in reality? That is a long job, and when you have done that – have found the root of your own illusion and how the other person seems to be when looked at without projection – then you may ask why your illusion chose that person to fall upon?

And that is very difficult, for sometimes the hook is big, and sometimes very small, because the other person may have only few characteristics that fit the projection, so it may be more – or less – of an illusion. There are all degrees." - Marie Louise von Franz​

etc...
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Last but not least, I think this quote describes limerence perfectly:

Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.
- Pema Chodron
 
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3. Collect your fragments:
Find back to the person you were BEFORE you met them !
- your passions
- your dreams
- your hobbies.
When limerence strikes, only the most hardcore goals you have will survive this severe hit.
Your LO WILL take PRIORITY in your mind.
=>
MAKE SURE to take this step seriously.




==========After it is over============
- Make sure you remember what caused you to be limerent.
(You should have found out by finding back to yourself)
Whatever it was, it was probably something you missed in your life.
- Remember this one / Write it down !
+ Make an effort to change things to accomodate this.
The lesson you learn from limerence is one that will always follow you in your life.
In a sense... it is you.


Most important rule:
- Don't view your LO, or limerence as an 'enemy' or a wicked being of any sort.
-The limerence stems from within yourself.
-The person you are limerent with (your LO) has "actually" very little to play part in that.
=>
Keep that in mind also the next time you *know* someone is limerent on you.
Stay polite and humble, yet set firm boundaries if you do not reciprocate.
This was so on-point. Especially about figuring out what caused you to be limerent in your life -- that it was usually something missing from your life. That is a difficult lesson to process.
 

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Yes! I couldn't agree more, theoretically and experientially. There is a reason for limerance, and it is rarely about the other person but a mechanism for personal individuation.

On a sidenote, I read we are programmed to be "in love" for 3.5 years maximum. Most people, not even that. So, once we fall out, that's when you really can begin to see the other person as they are, and similar rediscover those parts of your essence that were lost in someone else's projection. What happens, at a psychological level, when the projections melt away. Is there any way to prepare in advance, see people more truly as they are at the beginning, to avoid the fallout later on...or is it inevitable. Has anyone been able to truly move beyond projections, in their intimate relationships, and what advice can you give others?
 

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You'll want to make sure that you realize: 'why was I so stupid ?'
[99% of the time your brain uses the other person as a 'template' and fills in the rest => your dream wom/an so to say
I thought this was infatuation, and that limerence was one notch above it..? (haven't really looked at it in detail, so I could be wrong).

No, limerence is an asshole. Never learned a damn thing from him except the use of telephoto lenses in low light conditions.
My shots are always poor quality, and flooded with noise...
Teach me your ways! :love_heart::love_heart::love_heart: XD
 
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