my current gf is an INTJ, and we get along great in most things, but an incredibly frustrating thing for me is that although we have had sex and there are a few times when she is legitimatley horny, these times come at most once a month. I am a very physical person, and this is, embarassingly, a deal breaker for me... does anybody have advice?
little help?
- Status
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
As an INTJ with an INTJ bf....hmm, I guess we're overachievers, we have a very active sex life. I think part of ours is that we 'get' each other and are often on the same wavelength in regards to our moods. We also pick up on each others physical cues. I would suggest watching out for those. If that doesn't work, maybe you should try to broach the subject with her to find out why she is the way she is regarding sex. It will NOT be a comfy conversation, but if you care for her and want to see it work, it might be what you have to do. I only bring that up as sex may be physically painful for her or she may have a deeper issue that inhibits her desire for sexual interactions. She maybe more into sex than you realize, but is prone to just keep things to herself especially if she views sex as an emotional connection.
Do you still act flirty with her? Does she respond well to physical touching and teasing? Do you make her feel like you want and desire her aside from when you would like to be intimate? The little things make a big difference sometimes. We're thinkers but we do have feelings.
Do you still act flirty with her? Does she respond well to physical touching and teasing? Do you make her feel like you want and desire her aside from when you would like to be intimate? The little things make a big difference sometimes. We're thinkers but we do have feelings.
We have talked about it... we're both in college right now and shes an art/chem double major, very much an overachiever, and smart enough to get all A's, she says she's always just too tired/stressed to feel in the mood... i try to not pressure her but it's difficult for me because I can tell when she's stressed, and for me, sex is one of the best ways to deal with stress, but I end up just making her feel pressured and yeah...
Do you still act flirty with her?
yep, that's just in my nature, it's how i interact with people
Does she respond well to physical touching and teasing?
sometimes, but she's just as likely to get annoyed with me, I try to tease but...
Do you make her feel like you want and desire her aside from when you would like to be intimate?
I certainly feel like i do... although she may misconstrue my actions
Do you still act flirty with her?
yep, that's just in my nature, it's how i interact with people
Does she respond well to physical touching and teasing?
sometimes, but she's just as likely to get annoyed with me, I try to tease but...
Do you make her feel like you want and desire her aside from when you would like to be intimate?
I certainly feel like i do... although she may misconstrue my actions
Also since you say she's an INTJ, you may have to just tell her. Sometimes we don't pick up on things very well no matter how intelligent we may be or seem. Try to find something for the two of you to do together to get her out of her head if possible and focused on you and your relationship instead of school/work.
I don't relate to your situation. I have a very high sex drive... But like Red Leaf said, you may just have to make it clearer to her that this could be a "deal breaker" for you. We may be smart but we're definitely not mind readers when it comes to emotions.
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
Wow, aevi23 can't say I relate to your INTJ significant other in the slightest. I think you may need to talk to her about this and maybe find out if there is anything in particular that turns her on? Maybe she's after a more mental sexual fantasy? If so, you can play with that. Raunchy letters or texts may help her get in the mood if she's more on a mental plain.
Joined
·
675 Posts
You can't make someone want more sex, either their drive is higher or not, unless it's medical condition which can be treated with hormones or emotional damage which therapy would help. My sister married a man with a lower drive then hers it’s a battle every night, my sister is beautiful, buxom and has a great body, so that’s not the issue, it’s his drive is lower then hers. She wants it everyday and he’s fine with once a week….
Joined
·
8,184 Posts
Wow! If I was in that predicament I'd be servicing myself about 10 times a day. Sorry that you aren't getting your quota. Hmmm, I guess some people just have a low sex drive and there probably isn't too much you can do about it ...except maybe shop at an adult shop and try some new toys/ dress ups. I can't say more than that because having a low sex drive isn't something I have experienced.
Joined
·
8,184 Posts
wow, you should be a sex therapist/ counsellor.
I can understand why this would be a deal breaker, but maybe she really is that tired and stressed. If that is all it is then pressuring her and telling her its a deal-breaker could become a downward spiral for the relationship. I don't recommend that. She might try to oblige for awhile, but eventually she'll become resentful and loathe having sex with you and then the relationship is over. My suggestion: try being intimate with her without having intercourse as the goal. Set up a sensual environment to just enjoy each other's nakedness and kisses. Massage each other. Look into Tantric sex. I've heard it is mind-blowing though I have not had opportunity to try it myself . :sad:
Joined
·
2,207 Posts
It's true she may be stressed, but she probably just has a low sex drive. (Those of us with a high sex drive generally use sex as a stress-reliever.) So, if that's the case, there's nothing you can do about it. You're both going to end up resenting one another.
I have first-hand experience and it was one of the worst feelings.
I have first-hand experience and it was one of the worst feelings.
I'm very physically driven and so for me, if I wasn't able to have those physical encounters at least once a week... ideally 2 or 3 times a week... then it's a deal breaker for me. I have needs. I know what I want. There are a bazillion people in the world. Statistically, there is going to be at least a few who match my criteria
besides, man shopping is fun. But I digress...What kind of sexual openness do you have in your dialogue? Do you both sit together in close proximity and talk about the things that turn you on? About what excites you? About the fantasies you've had? About fantasies you've had and have fulfilled... do you share those stories? To me, the first step to sexual fulfillment with your mate is honest and open communication. But then, I'm not shy, I'm mentally stimulated... and I go toward men who are also not shy and who don't get jealous when I talk of past experiences. It can be very exciting to talk about sex. It is also important to know exactly what is the sexual trigger for your partner. For some, it's physical contact, like a back rub or foot massage... others it's kissing and fondling... for others is visual and/or verbal. For some it's all or any of the above... you get my drift. Know what turns her on. Let her know what turns you on.
Next, do you have time that you can have a romantic and passionate encounter, no errands to run, a nice dinner, a nice movie, some snuggling on the couch, maybe a few drinks to relax...
Oh, have you both gone to a sex shop together before? That's always fun
Browse through the wares, talk about what is entertaining, talk about what is interesting, maybe even pick out a toy together *winks* then come home and try it out! Has to be fun, has to be equal, has to be open and honest... that's my rule of thumb... and it works out very, very well for me :laughing:
Help her with whatever she needs help with. If she's stressed out, try to calm her down. Do whatever it takes. Because it sounds like her mind is focused on other things and she's too stress and worried about school, grades, her future, etc. She doesn't have the ability to switch it off and have sex. When you want to have sex, she will obviously feel pressured into doing it and will feel bad that she's not interested.
So, that's my advice. First, you need to show her that she means more to you than just sex by helping her with things that are more important to her. If you're able to accomplish this and reduce her stress levels, then I think she'll be more willing to have sex.
So, that's my advice. First, you need to show her that she means more to you than just sex by helping her with things that are more important to her. If you're able to accomplish this and reduce her stress levels, then I think she'll be more willing to have sex.
Me??? I read this and nearly choked on my Shiner Bock. If you were sincere, umm..thanks...I think.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
- Status
Join the discussion
