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There I was, 23 and fat - actually obese and wondering what am I going to do with my life. I justified my position by saying "I'm working on my career" and that I would get back to being who I use to be when I got my big break....well, that break came sooner than I expected when I got laid off! :shocked:

I resented giving so much up of my life with the expectation that I would be appreciated in my job, so that layoff began the changing of how I thought about my life. "You only live a decade in your 20's and you'll never be able to do the things young people do when your old, so why wait in life?" I kept drilling this in my head and finally realized that the whole work paradigm was stupid - I'm suppose to work for decades and finally get to take vacations when I'm older? More like all my retirement money will go towards hospital trips and medicine just so I can escape the pain of getting old. It was then that I took the oath, I don't want to get old and would rather kill myself doing something I love before old age seeps in. So the quest began -

I started with losing 80 pounds over the next 2.5 years and got into running. Changing my life was one of the most difficult things I did and I hated it. One trick I would use when I saw a donut, I immediately associated those 300 calories with the 3 miles I would have to run in order to burn it off...saying "no" became easier. I built up a positive stock pile of burned calories so I could "earn" my guilty pleasure once a week and it worked out well for the next 10 years! I started to see success in many things and felt that at age 34 that I had mastered the art of transferring success to all facets.

Well, the rise was well before the fall...I soon discovered that I had let some bad seeds into my life that would set me up for my demise. After I had accomplished everything on my wishlist and the things I hadn't, naturally fell off because my views had changed, I started to realize I was losing purpose. This was exasperated by the negative seeds that had turned into giant trees that were leaning over from the girth of their weight and about to fall on me. These bad seeds were things like jumping into a relationships that I knew was going to be difficult and starting up a business based on technology nobody has seen yet. With the neagativity of feeling like I was no longer wanted amidst of feeling like I had finished life early, I soon found myself feeling like I had approached the end of my life sooner than expected. The scary part is not knowing where you are going with your life and this is all stupid really, I mean I should be able to find happiness and purpose. I found myself asking if it was possible to change my views back to when I was naive. But how can I believe something when I know it's not true anymore? The hardest thing I had to realize was when I needed to take a step back, I found the footing was gone...I had no way to return from this hell I created. Why should someone so accomplished in many facets in life feel this way? Is it truly a blessing or a curse to have so much happiness at one time knowing the downfall will be much bigger? Could I have regulated it and would I do it again...give up the peaks and valleys for the steady? And now if I live longer, what should I do when I get older? I'm waiting for the deus ex machina and I hope it's God because I always envied (in a good way) those who had him in their lives, he gives people purpose.
 
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