[NotJustFeelings]

(btw, there are a gazillion stickies!)

So, I'm not exactly sure what type my sister is, but she's 3 years younger than me (19) and we both live at home with the 'rents.

Sometimes she'll get mildly confident/excited about something, and she'll be relating it to the family, but I tend to not understand why she's excited because of some logical error. Then I'll express/vent some confusion and she considers that an attack on herself. Usually, I do get a little annoyed with her, because she seems inconsistent (she gets excited, but if I find holes in her logic, she'll retaliate with annoyance).

I'm really not *trying* to correct her, but certain things seem obvious to me. I wish I could encourage discussion, rather than drain energy from the room.

 

[Enormous Hatred]

Are they corrections about things that matter? If it's an error of fact, like some kind of mathematical truth ("Actually, you're mistaken. We only have three hamsters."), you can just point out that you're trying to bring a certain validity to the conversation. Still, I understand that people sometimes become defensive about these types of factual distinctions when the discrepancy literally has nothing to do with their own integrity or identity. In that case, there's really nothing you can do.

If it's some sort of fallacious assertion, you could try letting it slide and then poke around later. Sometimes people take it better if you can demonstrate the problem to them from a passive sort of standpoint rather than directly attack their argument. It might feel kind of weaselly, but people will often just shut you down if you confront the issue right away, so it's not like you really have a choice in those situations.

 

[NotJustFeelings]

Well, here's the scenario, let's hope it doesn't get lost in translation:

She visited her boyfriend's church and returned, saying, "So they're doing a study on tithing and every Sunday they do something different. Next Sunday, each person is going to bring 10% of their food at home to donate to a charity." <-- (cheerful tone, like, "aren't they doing a neat study!")

Me: Wait, how does that teach about tithing?

Her: ?

Me: Tithing means taking a percentage of your income, not your stock goods.

Her: Well, that's just what they're doing.

Me: (Annoyed) Yeah, but that has nothing to do with tithing. That's just giving to a charity. God doesn't randomly ask for 10% of everything, just 10% of what you bring in.

Her: (Annoyed) I didn't want to have a discussion. Why can't I just be excited?

 

[Aizar]

Well, here's the scenario, let's hope it doesn't get lost in translation:

She visited her boyfriend's church and returned, saying, "So they're doing a study on tithing and every Sunday they do something different. Next Sunday, each person is going to bring 10% of their food at home to donate to a charity." <-- (cheerful tone, like, "aren't they doing a neat study!")

Me: Wait, how does that teach about tithing?

Her: ?

Me: Tithing means taking a percentage of your income, not your stock goods.

Her: Well, that's just what they're doing.

Me: (Annoyed) Yeah, but that has nothing to do with tithing. That's just giving to a charity. God doesn't randomly ask for 10% of everything, just 10% of what you bring in.

Her: (Annoyed) I didn't want to have a discussion. Why can't I just be excited?

That sounds a little nit-picky, as my own opinion on it. To her, she's talking about what the church is doing, and doesn't necessarily care what the correct term is for it.

I think the "I didn't want to have a discussion. Why can't I just be excited?" sums it up well. People aren't necessarily looking for corrections when they're sharing something, they're just sharing. In the words of Pinkie Pie: "I'm excited. Are you excited? I'm just so totally excited."

Your response: "No, I'm not excited. And here's why you're wrong about being excited."
Her: "Hey, I didn't ask for that! Don't tell me what to be excited about!"

Don't know if that all makes sense.

 

[NotJustFeelings]

Well, I guess I felt left out because I can't get excited about things that don't make sense. I was actually hoping that she'd be able to explain a little more, but I guess my timing was off.

Let's put it this way, it's kind of like sharing: "Dinosaurs are great because they're yellow!"

Huh... dinosaurs aren't all yellow... other things are yellow.... aren't dinosaurs more of a green? whhaaaaaa?
(ok, don't know if that's the best analogy)

 

[LiteratureNerd]

I kind of agree with Aizar here...it does sound a little nit-picky. Even if it doesn't make logical sense to you, it's HER thing - not yours. Why split hairs over something that ultimately isn't a big deal?

I can definitely see where you're coming from, but I can also see where she's coming from. To you, you're trying to get more information as to why she's so excited about something that doesn't make any sense to you. To her, you're being a know-it-all who's, well...kind of raining on her parade by starting an argument about it, and possibly making her feel stupid. You can probably approach these things a lot more differently in order for her not to feel like she's constantly being attacked or undermined.

 

[Aizar]

Well, I guess I felt left out because I can't get excited about things that don't make sense. I was actually hoping that she'd be able to explain a little more, but I guess my timing was off.

Let's put it this way, it's kind of like sharing: "Dinosaurs are great because they're yellow!"

Huh... dinosaurs aren't all yellow... other things are yellow.... aren't dinosaurs more of a green? whhaaaaaa?
(ok, don't know if that's the best analogy)

Without knowing better what she really meant, I think it's either a communication difference (to her, the tithing definition is an insignificant detail compared to the rest of it, and she's annoyed it got poked at), or she didn't like being corrected about something she thought was cool. Similar to: you show someone this awesome drawing of a horse you made, then they point out that the anatomy is wrong.

 

[NotJustFeelings]

Yeah. I think the bad thing is I'm not actually caring as much as she is. My comments are usually really casual, versus "I need to know x".

I think I underestimate the amount of stuff that seems obvious to me but not to others.

 

[Enormous Hatred]

Chances are she wasn't excited because she thought the study would prove insightful. It's possible she just liked the idea of charity in and of itself; logically then because her view of it is centered on this facet, she would then assume this was what you were attacking. The only mistake you made was moving beyond the "question" phase and into "judgement".

 

[NotJustFeelings]

Ahhhhh that makes sense. Yeah, that sounds like her.

 

[Kyrielle]

Sooo....solution: Just say "Wow that's great!" and sound really excited about it even if you're not. Just humor her. Who cares if it makes sense. Just let her be excited and share that excitement for a few minutes. Then correct her.