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I had this life changing summer and tried to explain it a billion times, but I either got hung up on details or forgot so much. This time I'm doing it right. I'll start with the previous semester.

I spend February 'till April doing nothing. Obviously, I go out occasionally, I work for school when needed, but the majority of the time I did nothing. Eat chips, play videogames, watch tv series, movies, smoke green.

In May I decided to focus on the exams, quit smoking weed, didn't start working hardcore immediatly, but I was getting into it. The occasional thought of: I'll never manage this occured, but I kinda pushed through

In June I moved heaven and earth and ended up getting a passing grade for every class. Sleepless nights, but I managed to do it. I worked so hardcore, especially the last week(where I slept like 10 hours in 5 days). But I passed them all. Like YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH BITCH!

July was all about going back home. Haven't seen my hometown friends in forever and it was good. Lots of parties, started drinking again, started liking alcohol again, there was always someone to do something with, somewhere.
The last two weeks I had summercamp with the scouts(aka heavy drinking in the countryside, sleeping in tents, campfires,...). We prepared stuff for it in the first two weeks which usually ended up being a party or crashing one.

In August I worked. Lots of tourists come to my hometown during summer, and it's quite common for students to work a month(or two) in a restaurant or bar or whatever.
The people at work were amazing, we had a fun team, you're always busy, and after work there's some drinking. It was a great month and I even started hooking up with a girl from work.

September
I was free. Three weeks of vacation. Doing nothing again. Ever since I started being busy in May I was looking forward to doing nothing again. The first day was great. The second I started getting bored. And the third day I ended up making travel plans with another girl from work: Suzy
The girl from work I hooked up with- Polly - lives near the place where I study. So I went to "school" a few days, hook up a few times, feel perfect. Life is good. When she leaves to go home(she's still in highschool) I feel great. A bit sad, but a good kind of sadness I guess.

I go to Marrakech with Suzy and it was fucking amazing. An entirely different way of life, but shit it attracted me so much. Normally on trips I create some adventure, to spicen things up. But that wasn't necessary here. Suzy is okay I guess. After four days there wasn't lots left to talk about, and to me it got a little awkward, but shit, the city was so awesome I didn't even care.

Then, last week of September school started.
I'm in my small studentroom, sitting. Passing time. It seems like I haven't done this in ages; smoke weed, play some games, choose a series to watch - why not catch up on breaking bad?
But it gives me no satisfaction. I had this summer full of people. And even though I didn't talk with most of them, most of the time. They were there. If I wanted to ask something I could, and did. If they asked me something, I always tried to help them as much as possible.

But when I try to be social now it just feels so fake or weird. I have lots of friends and even more people who'd be happy just to see me, ask me how I'm doing, and whatnot.
But somewhere it's weird. Not as spontaneous.
Even with Polly the fuzzy lovey warm fire of love is slowly extinguishing. And it has only been a month. I suck at texting and facebook. I just don't like that everything you say is so defining. I don't text: I love you. I don't know why not, but it's just something I don't do. I'll shout it of a rooftop if she could hear it. I'll whisper it in her ear if we're laying in bed, being all cozy and cuddly.
But, I guess I hate non direct communication.

What is all of this leading to?
I can't seem to find a good balance between being social and being a loner.
Yes, I need to be around people sometimes.
Yes, I'll go crazy if I'm around people too long.
Yes, I love to be on my own sometimes.
Yes, I'll go crazy if I'm on my own too long.

It seems like I'm never at ease enough to fully enjoy people's company, so I leave and I'm on my own. But then I realise, that even when I was with them, I still was alone.
Ever since the regular life started again, I feel so detached from the world. Is this an INTP thing? Are we doomed to be loners? Am I ever going to find real friends? Not real friends like; they got my back no matter what. Real friends who understand me. Who I can be myself with. Who want to philosophise. Discuss. Get drunk. Fight. Make up. Discuss again. Agree to disagree.

I don't know. I hope so. But we'll see..

Addendum:
Polly was joking about us running away, going to Peru together. We could open a bar together, she could play piano and sing occasionaly, I could design and build furniture.
I love to go up in these plans. Hell, I've been making them forever.
But then she got to my place and she was so sad. She even cried. She feels so locked in. So alone from everyone else. We have eachother, but that doesn't make another shitty day better.
She talked about running away.
Not Hey lets run off to south america and start a new life together!
But I hate it here so much, maybe I should just run away for a few days. They'll find me, I wont die

It made me think. How happy are we? We might pretend we're superhappy. And he have moments that we're happy. But as soon as we have nothing to do we seem to fall back on television and eating.
There's probably loads of people with this problem, but how do we solve it?
 
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