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I was going to make a topic, it turned out to be more of a blogpost, so I posted it as one.

But my sad, selfish blogposts don't get too much reaction so:

How often are you lonely?

I have it a lot. I'll go out with friends, and suddenly have enough of the social games. I would just sit there and listen to what they're saying, but then I feel awkward. So I'll leave. Go home. Sit home. Nearly cry. But I can't cry. Because I'm not that sad about being alone. I'm happy. Yet not happy at all.

What is this all about. Fuck you brain.

Also: we try to remove our loneliness by watching television series. We live ourselves in so much that the characters almost become friends. When we meet actual friends we talk about this episode and what that character did. Sometimes our lives are so empty we need to fill them with someone elses.
People gain so much joy from likes on facebook, because everytime someone clicks that button they have seen what you have done. And what you did was awesome! MOAR LIKES PLEASE! The race for likes is so big, people even spend money on it.
I wont lie to you. Every response this thread gets will give me a little satisfaction, but it shouldn't.
 

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黐線 ~Chiseen~
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I'm pretty sure along comes a girl who will make an account called Ms.

How long you have to wait and be patient? Well, that's another story.
 

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Stop talking about me!

You seriously nailed me pretty well.
 

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See, I haven't properly diagnosed whether I'm actually lonely or I just have no real friends or significant people in my life. I still hang out with an old group of friends from a few years ago, and every time we hang out they smoke me up for free. Other than that I have no real interest in them whatsoever and usually leave after a couple hours. They are by no means actual friends of mine however I'm pretty sure they regard me as a friend, or maybe just that guy who has Super Smash Bros Melee so let's call his ass up.

But yeah, it can be a little depressing at times. But every time I actually do go out and socialize I reflect on how much better my time could have been spent. I think it's because my only contact with the outer world is at high school and work. I literally have no external stimuli that I look forward to and I think this is part of the problem. I don't really look forward to seeing anyone or doing anything with others. However, I can entertain myself for hours or even days on end most of the time.
 

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I'm pretty sure along comes a girl who will make an account called Ms.

How long you have to wait and be patient? Well, that's another story.
You want to know what's weird?

I scrolled past your account - after not having been here in awhile - and thought "someone has made a smiley face flying on bacon their avatar".

Not 15 seconds later, I thought, I'll bet that's qingdom,

Also, Ti has it's social strengths - you just need to realize them. As someone who it pathetically lonely, that's all I can say for now.
 
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Empty loneliness was something I could relate to in my youth, now years later married and a father I look forward to my alone time. I have little advice other than qingdom is right.
 

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I think loneliness is an INxx tendency.
I am INFJ and I also go through bouts of loneliness.
I realised that I feel lonely because I lacked inner peace and I am using things and people to fill up that emptiness, which results in me feeling even more empty than before. I realised that nothing lasts forever. People come into my lives but they eventually leave me. Friendships and relationships doesn't always last forever, and the same goes for wealth and materialistic things. Friends and lovers can just leave you any time, sometimes through misunderstandings, sometimes through betrayals, and sometimes through death. A person can be wealthy one day but become bankrupt the next day. A person can work in a well-paid job with a high position but they end up losing their job the next day. I realised that nothing on earth lasts forever, maybe this is why I feel lonely, because I have been relying on the wrong things to fill up my loneliness. I am not sure if you believe in God, but I realised that so far, only God is able to fill up my loneliness.
 
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I relate very much to your post OP, I think I'm leaning towards depression because I'm lonely, have too much time to realize how much life is shitty, especially when you don't have someone to help you forget that it is.
Being both an INTP and an asexual person, I have difficulties to make relationships and I lack the basic motivation to get close to someone from the opposite gender. I mean, I know I would benefit a lot from a relationship aside from sex, but feeling no urge for sex, which is usually supposed to make guys from my age shift their asses at some point, I'll probably stay alone for a while. I try to see the positive side of this, I convince myself than being alone but free to try stuff is better than being with the wrong persons with obligations about how I'm supposed to live my life.

Actually, I can't wait to be independant, then I can have more insight.
 

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If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company.
- Jean-Paul Sartre


I guess you desire external validation in your life. I do, too. And so, I am stuck between the Introvert - Extrovert dichotomies. Try looking at the Enneagram to understand why. Have you figured out what your Type is?
 

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I'm pretty sure along comes a girl who will make an account called Ms.

How long you have to wait and be patient? Well, that's another story.
This filled me with so many feels I don't even...

As an xNTP I'm kind of a sucker for love stories. Not the icky twilight or harlequin romance types (note: that says "harlequin" romance, not "Harley Quinn" romance) but actual love stories about loyalty, or helping each other out of bad scenarios. Or simply making each other a little bit happier in this miserable world.

Excuse me while I go beat my Fe back into submission.
 

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I was very lonely when I was younger (12-18ish) because I was so overwhelmed by my own issues/family stuff I never really managed to get close to my friends at the time - I'd meet up with them under very specific circumstances and guidelines, like for a few years it had to be during the day in a cafe in town or else a sleepover and any other way made me very uncomfortable (I never voiced these guidelines, but if they changed, I just didn't go). I was trying to find control, I guess.

As soon as everything began to even out in my life, I got less lonely, managed to get a bit better with being a friend. I get lonely on and off now, in the way I miss people I know rather than I feel completely isolated - which is easier to remedy, but harder to talk about, it's too personal for me to say to said friends without feeling embarrassed or like I'm being clingy.
 

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I'm often lonely, but I don't really hate it. It's unpleasant, yes, but it gives me a kick in the ass sometimes to go out and do something more important than moping and distracting myself. Most of the time, I'm not doing anything worthwhile, but I'm okay with that. When I'm lonely, I feel, rather than just see, the gaping hole where my heart should be, and that motivates me to go do something important- something that I'll be glad I did, rather than just assuaging my loneliness in the warm, anesthetizing embrace of the internet.

I wont lie to you. Every response this thread gets will give me a little satisfaction, but it shouldn't.
That's just being human. Whatever. It's when you get addicted to this halfway-form of easy communication that you have a problem.
 

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You go out with multiple people? Is that really wise?



I am not that bad. I work out and impress women with my sometime charm.
 

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This was really bad for me my first couple years of college (I'm a senior now). I don't know whether it's because I changed, got closer to my friends, or got really busy, but I've started to enjoy being by myself almost as much as I did when I was a kid. There are times when I really don't want to be around other people, to the point where I'll leave a group just to listen to music while wandering pointlessly; and it's easily twice as fun as it would have been if I'd stayed.

I think my biggest realization is that there's no shame at all in being either awkward or quiet. I've accepted it as an inevitable and potentially unchangeable aspect of my personality, so there's no reason to be embarrassed of it. Those situations can be uncomfortable, but they pass and there's no reason to let them bother you on an emotional level.
 

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I feel your pain. Most the time I'm fine being alone but it does turn to lonely. And it's not just romantic relationships, friendships as well. I suck at small talk and I find it really annoying, so I tend not to participate. But I also don't talk about the more meaningful aspects of myself easily, especially with people I don't know, so the combination pretty much ensures I won't make any meaningful connections with anyone.

Sometimes when I do go out and socialise I actually feel MORE alone, it becomes obvious to me how much I don't fit in, how hard it is for me to participate/enjoy the typical conversations and I start to feel that others have already judged me without knowing anything about me.

Anecdote: Just the other day we had an all staff social event and I felt like a middle schooler in the cafeteria not knowing what table to sit at.
 

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I was going to make a topic, it turned out to be more of a blogpost, so I posted it as one.

But my sad, selfish blogposts don't get too much reaction so:

How often are you lonely?

I have it a lot. I'll go out with friends, and suddenly have enough of the social games. I would just sit there and listen to what they're saying, but then I feel awkward. So I'll leave. Go home. Sit home. Nearly cry. But I can't cry. Because I'm not that sad about being alone. I'm happy. Yet not happy at all.

What is this all about. Fuck you brain.

Also: we try to remove our loneliness by watching television series. We live ourselves in so much that the characters almost become friends. When we meet actual friends we talk about this episode and what that character did. Sometimes our lives are so empty we need to fill them with someone elses.
People gain so much joy from likes on facebook, because everytime someone clicks that button they have seen what you have done. And what you did was awesome! MOAR LIKES PLEASE! The race for likes is so big, people even spend money on it.
I wont lie to you. Every response this thread gets will give me a little satisfaction, but it shouldn't.
Here comes your inner-yay! Another response!

Mine comes from OddlyDevelopedTypes.com... If you're interested in their sources, check it out.

e The INTP Architect Reference Guide

Most type guides only present the nice, vague, boring facts...

But they won't tell you that INTPs are one of the introverted types most likely to get married. (And more than once, too.)
Or that INTPs are the type predicted to do best on I.Q. tests.
Or that INTPs are the type most likely to smoke.


--- Skipping ahead to marriage relationship section--- (Currently editing post to add in pretty spaces.)


But is that the same thing as the best match? Ah, there's the kicker. Back to theoryville...
Keirsey (an INTP himself) speculated that the best match for the INTP is the ENFJ Teacher.

Originally, he and Bates (1984) believed that ESFJ Providers would also be a good match, but in Please Understand Me II he modified this view to indicate that sharing the same Intutition/Sensing orientation is important in a relationship.

In Portraits of Temperament, Keirsey further suggested that STJs and STPs would not be able to "appreciate or encourage the unique traits of the Engineer [NTP]" as a mate. The Idealists, by contrast, would be able to appreciate and admire the NTP Engineer's ingenuity.

ENFJs are known for their ability to bring out the hidden gifts and talents in those around them; another naming system calls them the "Givers" because they invest so much time in others.

Keirsey believed that the ENFJs would be intrigued by the chance to bring out the gifts and talents of their INTP mate, and that Idealists in general would form a "cheering section" for them.

ENFJs tend to view their Rational mates as their rock or a pillar of strength, a calm refuge from their sometimes stressful world of emotions. They also admire the strong principles of NTs.

Keirsey suggested that INTPs would be intrigued by the endless mystery presented by the (totally alien, yet extremely attractive) soul of their NF mate--an unsolvable problem to beguil them all their life. INTPs appreciate the warmth and caring that NFs bring to a relationship.

The author, an INTP herself, was stunned to realize that the only two people she had ever considered as potential matrimonial material (one being a fictional character) were both probable ENFJs. Perhaps this is merely a coincidence, but it seems worth further investigation.

Keirsey (1998) notes that the NTPs do not expend much effort to seek out a partner; it would just require too much time and effort for too little a chance of return.

For this reason some NTPs may simply settle down with the first person who appreciates them, without trying for anything better. I suspect that there may also be a certain element of fear operating here, i.e. “What if no one ever wants me again?” This fits in with the Keirsey's description of the NTP as despairing of finding someone who fits their unique personality.

Actually, INTPs don't have any problems getting married. In fact, one study found that they are more likely to get married than almost every single other introverted type (Otis & Louks, 1997). If you have ever worried about being alone and unloved forever because you are an INTP, you can probably stop now.

Being "different" won't prevent you from getting married. Unfortunately, it may result in you getting married more times than every other introverted type (Otis & Louks, 1997).
As you might guess from that particular fact, INTPs can have problems after the honeymoon.

Marioles et al. found that partners of INTP males had the lowest marital satisfaction of all types. Nor do INTPs themselves seem satisfied; another study found that INTPs have the fourth lowest satisfaction with their marriage/intimate relationship. (Myers, McCaulley, Quenk & Hammer, 1998). (This isn't as bad as it sounds though; Intuitives were generally less satisfied than Sensors, and INTPs were quite close to the midrange values for Intuitive satisfaction.

However, INTPs were the least satisfied of the Rationals. Note also that some NFs were far less satisfied.) According to Marioles et al.'s study, in only about 1/3 of INTP marriages were both partners satisfied.

Also, INTP males were the type/gender combination most likely to be satisfied with their marriage while having a partner who is dissatisfied (this phenomenon did not hold true for INTP females). Female INTPs tended to be married the fewest number of years of all types (add source).

Clearly some extra care should be taken to monitor the quality of one's relationship. Many people obviously find the INTP personality intriguing and attractive--if not, INTPs wouldn't be getting married in droves, would they?--but after the marriage expectations seem to shift.

Kroeger and Thuesen (1996) noted that INTPs have significant difficulty ending relationships, but if they do decide to end a relationship, "hell would freeze over" before the INTP will take back their ex.

Those breaking up with an INTP should be aware that it may be hard, if not impossible, to get them back. Kroeger and Thuesen also noted that INTPs may be somewhat inconsistent in their preparations for events like anniversaries or birthday parties. I.e., they may put things off until the last minute and end up snatching a gift from the Walmart jewelry department on the way home.

It doesn't mean that the INTP doesn't care, but rather that there were too many great ideas floating around in their head, and the time drifted by until they were shocked to discover that there was no time left. At this point the purchase of a gift becomes an emergency rather than the thoughtful expression the somewhat embarrassed INTP had originally intended.

Tieger and Barron-Tieger (2000) suggest that because INTPs are so private, they may not express their feelings or thoughts enough to satisfy their more expressive mates. (This is true of all Rationals, but particularly the INTs.)

Though the INTP views a relationship as a "forever" commitment (Kroeger & Thuesen, 1996) and therefore tends to assume that their feelings must be implicitly obvious since they choose to remain with their beloved, the INTP's spouse may mistakenly interpret silence as lack of affection (Tieger & Barron-Tieger, 2000).

Adding to this is the fact that the NTs as a group tend to be highly focused on the problems they are currently working on, and are simultaneously disinterested in daily domestic matters (Keirsey, 1998).

Keirsey suggests that although the NTs may need reminders to pay attention to their relationships and family life, the NT's spouse may not be willing to give such reminders, reasoning to themselves, "It isn't real love if it is given under duress."

The Rationals then continue obliviously on with their projects, and cannot understand when their spouses finally tell them they are cold or uncaring. "How can they think I don't love them?" the Rational wonders incredulously. "Isn't it obvious?"

Relationship Values


Tieger and Barron-Tieger (2000) ranked the relationship values of each type, both what the type saw as important and what they did not see as important.

For the INTPs, the self-reported characteristics that were seen as most important included "Mutual commitment," "Fidelity," "Mutual support," "Being listened to," "Humor," "Intellectual stimulation" and "Companionship." The less important characteristics were "Financial security," "Shared religious beliefs," "Spiritual connection," "Security," and "Similar parenting styles."

So what can we say here? Although INTPs probably have lower relational needs than most, they may run into trouble if they assume that other types share the same low needs for communication, emotional expression, etc.

(This assumes that you haven't married another INTP, which seems to be a popular route for males.) The question then is, what does your partner expect from a relationship, and how can you make the necessary adjustments to keep your marriage healthy and happy?

If you want to approach this problem from a type perspective, I recommend the following books:

16 Ways to Love Your Lover
by Kroeger and Thuesen - This honest book uses type to explain in great detail why your spouse is so annoying, and why you yourself are so annoying to your spouse. If you're having marital issues, this is the book I recommend. $1 used.


Knowledge of how to satisfy your spouse is cheap enough. You don't have to change who you are, but a few compromises to meet your partner midway could be a valuable investment. What have you got to lose?

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Annnd so... INTPs will not be lonely, but they may end up jumping from partner to partner.

My best advice? When you're sad, just stop being sad, and be awesome instead.

Or, you know. Focus on the things you love, focus on the people in your life, realize that you're really not alone.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
My best advice? When you're sad, just stop being sad, and be awesome instead.
This seems to work just as well, and is a lot easier than reading the entire book, even though that might be very useful.

Oh well, last night I got drunk with a friend I haven't seen that often lately
He's smart, he's on my level. We both recently fell in love and we were having this drunk discussion about love and physics at 6 in the morning.
Maybe I just need to find the right people to go out with.
 
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