[yellowbritt]

I live in the deep south, U.S.A. I've lived here all my life, but I've never felt that I fit in with most people I meet. I love asking questions, learning, reading, encountering new ideas. But most people I encounter are afraid of anything new or different. Also, there's a general sense of apathy and despair here that I can't stand. I'd like to move, but right now that's not an option for at least a year.

I'm tired of struggling to make and keep friends, and I want to find someone I can be romantically attracted to. Lately this has become a big issue for me. Although in the past I couldn't get enough time to myself, now I spend most of my time alone and I have this excruciating sense of loneliness.

Any tips on how to survive what I'm going through? Anyone out there relate to what I'm saying? I've tried dating sites, church, clubs, etc.

 

[Gaminegirlie]

Why cant you leave?

I felt the same,I needed to just get out, so I had to leave my country.
I had tried quite a lot of things, getting involved in church (eeek)
trying to go out more, but most days i just ended up being home, thinking my brains out.

So, I grabbed the opportunity to leave, and I did.
I can't say right now its so much of a different situation,
But I'd say I've learnt to enjoy the current space (whatever space) I'm in.
I've learnt that i should stop allowing external influences of what 'fun' may be
to get to me.

I have stopped trying to look for externals to 'fill' me, when I do get lonely
i call a friend, or send texts.e.t.c which is usually enough for the time being
I've only met a couple of guys and I'm OK with that
I want to be romantically involved, but because I understand myself better,
I know I must thread with caution (still) or risk even worse situations.

I would just say that in moving somewhere else, the answer hardly lies in the new place
it may give you more opportunties, but if you don't stand up, and get out of your room
the situation stays the same.
Just genuinely look inside, think of the little things that make you happy and draw strength from that
or use that as a springboard to go out there and DO something

 

[yellowbritt]

Why cant you leave?

I felt the same,I needed to just get out, so I had to leave my country.
I had tried quite a lot of things, getting involved in church (eeek)
trying to go out more, but most days i just ended up being home, thinking my brains out.

So, I grabbed the opportunity to leave, and I did.
I can't say right now its so much of a different situation,
But I'd say I've learnt to enjoy the current space (whatever space) I'm in.
I've learnt that i should stop allowing external influences of what 'fun' may be
to get to me.

I have stopped tying to look for externals to 'fill' me, when I do get lonely
i call a friend, or send texts.e.t.c which is usually enough for the time being
I've only met a couple of guys and I'm OK with that
I want to be romantically involved, but because I understand myself better,
I know I must thread with caution (still) or risk even worse situations.

I would just say that in moving somewhere else, the answer hardly lies in the new place
it may give you more opportunties, but if you don't stand up, and get out of your room
the situation stays the same.
Just genuinely look inside, think of the little things that make you happy and draw strength from that
or use that as a springboard to go out there and DO something

I appreciate your honesty and your encouragement. Right now I can't leave because I'm trying to finish my degree (half-way through).

 

[Pacifique]

i've been in the same situation for the most part of my life (if not entire) i guess
i am south korean and the only valid mold that this country's dark negative oppressive force is constantly trying to either trap or fit me into is insensitive, military, macho, mediocre, negative, resentful, soul-less, un-specific, complicated, confused, hazed, washed out, thinned out, cultureless, unemotive, thin, unexpressive, math-book bashing, unsexual, sour, meaningless, impotent, shallow, superficial, ugly, tasteless, snobbish, infertile, unfocsued, dirty, aesthetically ignorant, crappish game playing, oppressed, dishonest, haphazardly extrovert, servile spirited, third class citizen, inferior (and so on) model basically.
and i've deliberately ended existing friendships or human relationships or influences here that meant nothing to me or negative to the development of my individuality and took the difficult road to stay truthful to myself, to cut out impure influences.

my military issue still has effects on my passport and i've been feeling like i'm in the prison since i was born. i don't know why. and i've been to the opposite side of the earth trying to get out of this mold and find myself it definately worked but my only gripe is that i once again had to come back because this country had effects on my passports and i limited my beliefs to that i was tied down to military duty. which i don't agree with anymore. to my absolute core, i hate this place. patriotism is not something that can be forced, it has to naturally raise, and i am afraid my heart's truth has not a single fragment of it this country's gravity is still sucking the life and soul out of me and i literally feel sick both mentally and physically when i think about the destructive gap between the emotional model that i truly empathise, resonate with, am trying to manifest, secure and maintain and the so called group consciousness, so called reality of this place- downright mediocre but i still ain't giving up. one day i will live this sordid place. how always this country actually got in the way of my own version of flourishment but i am not going to have my mind, visions or individuality limited by some thin far-eastern group consciousness. before all of those craps, before all of such 'words' i am just an animal with a spirit that's walking on this earth, and nothing can really take away the freshness of my states. if i want to access certain emotion some country cannot take it away from me with its pretentious words. only actual experience matters.

just stay true to yourself and defend your world and be aggressive in creating opportunities to manifest it using either tactics of passive aggression and rock hard resistance. or sometimes it helps to emotionally mask out the whole thing into oblivion and create something new too. cut the crappish details out, and prepare yourself both financially, emotionally, tactically so that it is smooth for you to relocate.. but when you feel too stuck, and if it feels like there's no room for change, sometimes it requires courage just to walk out of any stuck situations, just go to a new place and see how it works out for you. after all, life's short.

 

[Knives]

My advice to you would be to work on yourself as best you can so that when you do meet someone who doesn't stifle your personality, you'll be confident in your abilities. Think renaissance woman. Keep reading, keep learning, find new hobbies and go crazy with them. Ultimately, all hobbies and creative outlets have communities, and you will be able to fill the void created by boredom in the meantime. You get to improve yourself, cure your boredom and ultimately open yourself up to new circles of people all at once.

Moreover, artistic hobbies will allow you an outlet for your more negative emotions. Maybe get some penpals, either via snail mail or on the internet. People love penpals, and it'll be a great way to fill you social appetite for the time being. It will also keep your social skills from getting too rusty. Plus, you never know who you'll meet, but don't make that the initial goal.

I hope that this was helpful, and good luck! :happy:

 

[Gaminegirlie]

I appreciate your honesty and your encouragement. Right now I can't leave because I'm trying to finish my degree (half-way through).

You are welcome and I totally understand, I had to finish mine too.
But yeah, do take on some of what people have suggested..
And I hope being on PerC isn't boring you to death.lol

Cheers x

 

[Daveman]

I live in the deep south, U.S.A. I've lived here all my life, but I've never felt that I fit in with most people I meet. I love asking questions, learning, reading, encountering new ideas. But most people I encounter are afraid of anything new or different. Also, there's a general sense of apathy and despair here that I can't stand. I'd like to move, but right now that's not an option for at least a year.

I'm tired of struggling to make and keep friends, and I want to find someone I can be romantically attracted to. Lately this has become a big issue for me. Although in the past I couldn't get enough time to myself, now I spend most of my time alone and I have this excruciating sense of loneliness.

Any tips on how to survive what I'm going through? Anyone out there relate to what I'm saying? I've tried dating sites, church, clubs, etc.

Are you in your late 20s and live in Tennessee by any chance? I do, and I've had the same problem. :laughing:

Just kidding. Although, I am telling the truth.

My advice: Make peace with those that do not understand you. See the good in them, and have "superfical" fun with them. Find a different outlet for depth of expression.

 

[overand]

My advice: Make peace with those that do not understand you. See the good in them, and have "superfical" fun with them. Find a different outlet for depth of expression.

very mythodical and straightforward. that is truly the best advice i have heard in a while dsv2e.

yellowbritt have you tried going to a cafe? go hang out and do your thing. read, write, draw, smoke, play chess, whatever. someone is bound to come join you at some point. or if you have the courage join people in whatever activity they may be doing. i notice many introverts spending time at cafe's. being out in public doing your own thing helps out tremendously with social interaction skills.

p.s. if you show your face often enough at an establishment you're eventually going to get free coffee. but always tip the workers!

 

[Daveman]

very mythodical and straightforward. that is truly the best advice i have heard in a while dsv2e.

yellowbritt have you tried going to a cafe? go hang out and do your thing. read, write, draw, smoke, play chess, whatever. someone is bound to come join you at some point. or if you have the courage join people in whatever activity they may be doing. i notice many introverts spending time at cafe's. being out in public doing your own thing helps out tremendously with social interaction skills.

p.s. if you show your face often enough at an establishment you're eventually going to get free coffee. but always tip the workers!

Thanks.

Just because something is simple and straightforward doesn't mean it is wrong. I COULD write loads of stuff like the other posters did. (I have enjoyed writting all my life.)

But it's just not that complicated. I think most of us know the truth but our feelings get in the way.

 

[HorribleAesthete]

I had much the same problem growing up in a small town in the south. I never felt that I quite fit in. I was obsessed with the notion of traveling the world and escaping the small town mindset. I saved up a little money, sold my possessions at a loss, and left at the age of 19 for a month long backpacking trip through Europe. It was a meager trip due to my low funds. I slept out, hitchhiked, and existed on cheap eats such as Ritz crackers. Most of my money went to museums entrance fees and the occasional glass of wine or beer. It was fantastic. Upon finishing I returned to my hometown and began working another simple job to earn money to leave again. My next trip was a six month long backpacking trip through Asia in 1996 (China, Tibet, Nepal, India). I had considerable more money for this trip, and was able to stay in simple hotels, and live a fairly decent lifestyle (at the budget level). Again I returned to my hometown, and again I left for six months in Asia. At last I decided that I needed some stability, so I joined the military (though I am not longer in) as a linguist at the age of 28. I was sent to Monterey, Ca for language school. This turned out to be an excellent decision as I finally found my clique in the form of my fellow linguists-to-be.

I definitely think you should leave. While it is true that wherever you go you will encounter the same types of people and points of view, and will need to cope with the same internal issues, a new start in unfamiliar surroundings will give you new perspective. My advice: make a plan to leave, start working toward the actualization of that plan, and execute it. Pick a place that you want to be, that you have always dreamt of seeing; a place that is viable according to your career choice and your financial situation. Somewhere beautiful and cosmopolitan. Spend this year finishing school, saving, researching, preparing. Make it your mantra. There is no reason not to. I do not think that staying in your hometown has anything to offer you in the way of happiness or potential for growth. If, for whatever reason, you do not enjoy this new place, you can always return to your hometown. There is no risk.

I am not sure what to suggest in the interim. As an confirmed atheist, I cannot really personally recommend church (temple, mosque, etc), plus I am not much for large social gatherings of likeminded individuals (or large groups in general for that matter). Too much potential for groupthink. Plus you stated that you have already tried this. Certainly, as many have said, making yourself more visible will afford a greater opportunity to meet like-minded individuals. You have stated that you are attending college, so I am guessing that this school is located in or near your town. One thing I will recommend is yoga, if you have not tried it already. Calming effects aside, it could be a way to meet like-minded individuals, if only the instructor. There must be some sort of scene there in which to become involved. And, of course, planning and researching your escape plan could occupy your mind.

 

[vel]

I live in the deep south, U.S.A. I've lived here all my life, but I've never felt that I fit in with most people I meet. I love asking questions, learning, reading, encountering new ideas. But most people I encounter are afraid of anything new or different. Also, there's a general sense of apathy and despair here that I can't stand. I'd like to move, but right now that's not an option for at least a year.

I'm tired of struggling to make and keep friends, and I want to find someone I can be romantically attracted to. Lately this has become a big issue for me. Although in the past I couldn't get enough time to myself, now I spend most of my time alone and I have this excruciating sense of loneliness.

Any tips on how to survive what I'm going through? Anyone out there relate to what I'm saying? I've tried dating sites, church, clubs, etc.

move here to California :laughing:
population of 30+ million, lots of different people to meet, nice weather, we've declared ban to gay marriage to be unconstitutional and probably will legalize weed in November .... the area I live in is a bit of a liberal nuthouse hehe ... don't know why but I have always felt in place in this state, west and southwest in general ... i've been to US midwest and south on short trips and for some reason just felt really down from it, the places that I visited really did not feel like I'd want to live there ... another place I really liked was new york and long island area

 

[HorribleAesthete]

move here to California :laughing:
population of 30+ million, lots of different people to meet, nice weather, we've declared gay marriage to be unconstitutional and probably will legalize weed in November .... the area I live in is a bit of a liberal nuthouse hehe ... don't know why but I have always felt in place in this state, west and southwest in general ... i've been to US midwest and south on short trips and for some reason just felt really down from it, the places that I visited really did not feel like I'd want to live there ... another place I really liked was new york and long island area

I second that. California is amazing, especially the north.

 

[yellowbritt]

And I hope being on PerC isn't boring you to death.lol

Cheers x

Of course not! You guys are great. :laughing:

 

[Hwa Yong Yeon Hwa]

Hi! I am in the just about the same position, except that I have a couple friends but I feel that we are drifting apart slowly, and I have been romantically attracted to someone for three years and still haven't done anything about it...

I also really love learning and asking questions, I am really passionate and that seems to intimidate people??? Or maybe I'm just intimidated by them... a little bit of both I think.

I'm stuck in a place where people claim that they accept and are open to new or different, but most of them aren't, or are only open to specific things and stay within that bubble and don't accept anything else. Because of this I find it difficult to relate much to - or make strong friendships, I mostly get as far as friendly acquaintances.

I don't really know what to do either I'm kinda stuck here, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone feeling like this

 

[Marvin the Dendroid]

Hi! I am in the just about the same position, except that I have a couple friends but I feel that we are drifting apart slowly, and I have been romantically attracted to someone for three years and still haven't done anything about it...

I also really love learning and asking questions, I am really passionate and that seems to intimidate people??? Or maybe I'm just intimidated by them... a little bit of both I think.

I'm stuck in a place where people claim that they accept and are open to new or different, but most of them aren't, or are only open to specific things and stay within that bubble and don't accept anything else. Because of this I find it difficult to relate much to - or make strong friendships, I mostly get as far as friendly acquaintances.

I don't really know what to do either I'm kinda stuck here, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone feeling like this

Welcome to Personality Cafe, @Hwa Yong Yeon Hwa :happy:

@yellowbritt , the original poster, wrote this 9 years ago, in 2010, and has not visited PerC in over 6 years.

Our INFJ Random thoughts thread is active and alive with new posts every day, if you feel like posting there. And there's an INFP one as well :happy:

Have a great time on PerC :happy: