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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My Dad often says that I am my own best friend. I agree that I need to keep to myself sometimes and I like quiet, but lately Ive been feeling rather lonely. I've come to the realization that Ive never had a "best Friend". Sure there are people I grew up with and spend time with at school, but after that....I'm almost never asked to come to movies, to just hang out or what-have-you. People seem to have this one person they do everything with--but I never did.

Just the other day at the football game, i got this wave of pessimism/sadness because everyone around me was with a group of people talking and having fun, while I'm just there in the middle, forcibly quiet because I have no one to talk to. It really sucks feeling this sense of incredible loneliness in the middle of a raucous crowd.... :frustrating:

Has anybody else gone through this dilemma?


OWL
 

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The question is if you are unhappy being lonely because you realize others aren't, or that you truly want a friend regardless of others having one or not. I do not have a best friend myself, and I have no real desire for it, although sometimes in situations as you described I would want one. You could just avoid those situations and do things on your own ?

You should not let a desire for something you currently do not have, put you down.
Instead look from the positive side, you still have to meet/make that best friend, where others have had that experience already, you have something to look forward to. And do not stop looking until you really feel like you find someone who is worthy of being best friends with you. Don't settle for any less !

Be patient and enjoy both your freedom and the foresight on having one a best friend. Often people desire something a lot just because they can't / don't have it, but once they do, they like it a lot less then they thought they would.
 

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My Dad often says that I am my own best friend. I agree that I need to keep to myself sometimes and I like quiet, but lately Ive been feeling rather lonely. I've come to the realization that Ive never had a "best Friend". Sure there are people I grew up with and spend time with at school, but after that....I'm almost never asked to come to movies, to just hang out or what-have-you. People seem to have this one person they do everything with--but I never did.

Just the other day at the football game, i got this wave of pessimism/sadness because everyone around me was with a group of people talking and having fun, while I'm just there in the middle, forcibly quiet because I have no one to talk to. It really sucks feeling this sense of incredible loneliness in the middle of a raucous crowd.... :frustrating:

Has anybody else gone through this dilemma?


OWL
Yes OWL, we all have. You have become too introverted and are a bit out of balance--that's why this need has surfaced. We all need to feel connected to others. You will need to get out of your comfort zone This is what I wrote concerning this problem a while back:

http://personalitycafe.com/istj-forum-duty-fulfillers/9641-istj-so-alone-2.html

I think it is post #45.

I feel your pain. The loneliness is awful. However, the idea of mixing it up in social situations is frightening. The reality is that in order to become the well rounded person that we all desire to be, you will need to make some friends.

I sincerely HTH.
 

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My Dad often says that I am my own best friend. I agree that I need to keep to myself sometimes and I like quiet, but lately Ive been feeling rather lonely. I've come to the realization that Ive never had a "best Friend". Sure there are people I grew up with and spend time with at school, but after that....I'm almost never asked to come to movies, to just hang out or what-have-you. People seem to have this one person they do everything with--but I never did.

Just the other day at the football game, i got this wave of pessimism/sadness because everyone around me was with a group of people talking and having fun, while I'm just there in the middle, forcibly quiet because I have no one to talk to. It really sucks feeling this sense of incredible loneliness in the middle of a raucous crowd.... :frustrating:

Has anybody else gone through this dilemma?


OWL
ill be your friend ^_^. "best friend" im not sure yet, but ill be your friend:laughing:
see! not all people suck >=|
also, most of my friends are ISTJ if that says anything XD and my BFF is ESTJ.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Ziwosa: I am not to concerned that others have friends so much as that I don't have one. I want someone i can talk to for hours, who can understand me and I understand them, who I can do stuff with.I can do things on my own (and I do) but I always have this thought saying "this would totally be awesome if I could share this with someone!"

niss63 : WOW, that is some excellent advice!!! I am involved in two "clubs": Air Force ROTC and TaeKwonDo, and I have people I talk to in there, but the other day, I noticed people circled up into smaller groups and I was left in the center of a ring of backs. I look forward, left, right...everybody was turned away from me. That wasn't done on purpose, but I still hurt. I have a desire to explore another group on campus (but first I have to find out where their meeting place is...) I've also been trying to talk to people more on elevators, in lines, at stores, and I have people in each of my classes who I can sit by and start up a conversation (see, I'm not totally inept! :wink: ) But I feel like I am more fond of people than those people are of me.....

Staryu: That was cute! thanks! :happy: One person in ROTC I talk to a lot is also an INTJ.


OWL
 

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[

Staryu: That was cute! thanks! :happy: One person in ROTC I talk to a lot is also an INTJ.


OWL
what is ROTC? i could google this but there are probably 100 different meanings.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
what is ROTC? i could google this but there are probably 100 different meanings.
oh, I'm sorry! I forget people don't understand what all the letters I keep saying actually mean! ROTC= Reserve Officer Training Corps. I am enrolled in officer training for the United States Air Force.


OWL
 

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Yes OWL, we all have. You have become too introverted and are a bit out of balance--that's why this need has surfaced. We all need to feel connected to others. You will need to get out of your comfort zone
This makes so much sense. It's like you turned on a light switch in my brain. I like my comfort zone, though. I'm sure OWL does too. I don't even really know how to leave mine. I've been in it for so long it's now my comfort home.

OWL, I've experienced something similar to what you've described. Although, I believe I've had 2 or so "best friends" in my life, I currently don't have anyone. I see my "best friend" maybe once a month. He seems to have lost interest. I just realized that I haven't hung out/talked to anyone outside of my immediate family/co-workers (at work) since early August. Niss' advice is probably correct but I know that I have a hard time leaving my comfort zone as I said above. If you can get yourself to leave it maybe it would help. I feel stupid even typing this. I don't know that I'm actually contributing or just wasting space here lol.
 

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Yes OWL, we all have. You have become too introverted and are a bit out of balance--that's why this need has surfaced. We all need to feel connected to others. You will need to get out of your comfort zone This is what I wrote concerning this problem a while back:

http://personalitycafe.com/istj-forum-duty-fulfillers/9641-istj-so-alone-2.html

I think it is post #45.

I feel your pain. The loneliness is awful. However, the idea of mixing it up in social situations is frightening. The reality is that in order to become the well rounded person that we all desire to be, you will need to make some friends.

I sincerely HTH.

Reading it right now.


EDIT: Whoa. Mere coincidence? I'd say I've been lately training myself to do many of the things you mentioned on the side. Forcefully smiling, changing my tone of voice when someone calls, etc. And you are correct. Growing up, both my parents worked and I didn't have anyone to show me how to socialize. I eventually ran into a circle of 3 other nerd friends whom I befriended for life. But at grad school, I am completely lonely.


My main problem is that I have trouble following the important "rules" in your post. It's unnatural to me, but I realize deep down inside through my desire to feel connected that I really don't have a choice. Do or die.
 

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Don't know what kind of music you may be into but the lyrics to this describe that state pretty well 'Nine Inch Nails-All the love in the world'. And I can relate-not being extremely close to anyone.

I'v e come across some texts about us ISTJ's that may be of interest:
" Our Fe function:Manifested bahaviours expected of this function should include a tendency towards sudden outburst that seem negitive and depreciatory to others, prone to thinking negitivly about the way others feel about him or her, concluding that others do not favor him or her without any reason to do so, tendency towards 'poor me' attitudes that just come out of the blue, disliking people without objectivity to do so or atleast giving that impression to others, friendly and tactful one day only to be tactless and unfriendly the next. "

Also..

" Family affairs and holidays are usually important, as is being a provider or homemaker. ISTJs are happiest at home among family rather than meeting new people and approaching new situations. ISTJs need to let loose a little, to take time for people so they don’t become isolated, and to recognize and deal with their own personal feelings. Even free time must have a purpose for the ISTJ and be task oriented. "

In the past OWL..I have isolated myself and was socially lazy as I was perfectly fine in my own world, with family and keeping light acquaintances, plus was hardly interested in being invited anywhere.

Later I felt that it could be useful and be some fun if I got warmer with people. The way to get this done?
Make yourself appealing. See most people don't exactly like you trying to make small talk, trying and trying to be there and get in...there must be attraction and if there is then they will see you as an asset to their group.

Have something interesting to say. To avoid what has happened next time single out particular people you want to be with, it may well be that other people did that because they all formed groups. About a week into a new friendship at school text or call or have some communication outside of the school grounds to progress the relationship-so it doesn't stay at the same 'acquaintance level'.

If it's way too into the year and people are closed off to others and content with the friendships they have, then show these people that you have friends outside of where they are (school, or whatever)? That way they'll eventually believe that you're interesting, have a life for them to get into and are not needy.

Friends are not the ISTJs priority but we've all got to come out of ourselves a little, it might take some time but it's all about gently progressing relationships. I'm sure you've got loads to offer and there'll be someone eventually!
 

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^Just a note, Fe is not a function we normally use, being one of the ISTJs shadow functions.

Thanks for a good post.:happy:
 
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Progress update:


I've been miserably lonely and bored lately. But I've found that as another poster mentioned earlier, the simple act of texting and asking what someone is doing later tonight or asking them if they're coming out to run with your group can go a long way. Had that same friend invite me to shoot pool with another dude.


Strange observation I've made is that in almost all the places I've ever traveled to and lived, I've always had that one best friend with whom I do a lot of crap and trust with my worries and my secrets. That friend's the main reason I was able to keep my sanity and keep pushing forward with my work and school life. I'm hoping I can break the chain of having few friends and some day become part of a larger circle of great, awesome friends in grad school. The only problem is I don't have too many hobbies. Maybe I should take up watching football? Everyone seems into it! :tongue:


Whaddya all think? Tune to the 49ers on Sunday even though they'll probably lose again?
 

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Maybe I should take up watching football? Everyone seems into it! :tongue:
Whaddya all think? Tune to the 49ers on Sunday even though they'll probably lose again?
You could always become a NASCAR fan, like me :crazy:
 

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You could always become a NASCAR fan, like me :crazy:
O_O

Friend on facebook earlier mentioned liking Nascar. She's in the midwest, so that's understandable. But where I'm living, I'd be ostracized if I were to take up reviewing Nascar. I think that would undermine one of the purposes of getting hobbies--to make new companions!
 

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O_O

Friend on facebook earlier mentioned liking Nascar. She's in the midwest, so that's understandable. But where I'm living, I'd be ostracized if I were to take up reviewing Nascar. I think that would undermine one of the purposes of getting hobbies--to make new companions!
Plenty of people rib me because of my love of the sport. I don't care (and have found that there are closet NASCAR fans everywhere, so don't let that stop you). If I can get a diehard F1 fan to embrace NASCAR, then I'm fairly certain that there are others where you live that secretly like NASCAR also :tongue:
 

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Whaddya all think? Tune to the 49ers on Sunday even though they'll probably lose again?
Only if you like doing that.

I live in Cowboys country--all of those close friends I mentioned do not watch sports of any kind.:shocked: When someone asks, "How 'bout them Cowboys?" I muster a blank look and ask innocently, "Cowboys? Who are the Cowboys?" The looks I get are priceless.:crazy::tongue::laughing:

Try different things, finding an activity you enjoy. When you do that, you will find friends, as friends share similar values and activities.
 

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You could always become a NASCAR fan, like me :crazy:
Meh, I only watch for the wrecks.:blushed: I even went to the big race track north of Ft. Worth once to see the race. I can only watch them go round and round so many times before I start getting sleepy.:bored:

Now, being in the pits would be cool. But driving, that would be the best.

Thinking about it, I don't want to be a spectator at anything--I'd rather be doing the activity.:happy:
 
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Well, so would I, but since I'm not likely to become a NASCAR driver in this lifetime, watching it will have to do. Once I graduate, I WILL make the time/money to go to Talladega. I want to see The Big One.
 

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Oh yeah, I've had that happen many times Callsign. To answer Niss, it's easier said than done about the comfort zone stuff. While my J side is weak, I find it hard to meet new people and can be quite stubborn about it. I guess you could say that I just don't know what to do when I want to be near people.
 
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