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Discussion Starter #1
So I've decided he's not ISTP. He has a lot of characteristics that fit, but there are a lot of things about him that make him decidedly NOT. He's holding on to the relationship, for one - irrationally, he's getting NOTHING out of it, but he's scared to let it go. He's completely overwhelmed by all the things going on in his life, and emotionally distraught by them - he's got this shitty self image, feels inadequate, like a failure, beating himself up, etc. I mean, everyone can have a bad day - but this has been going on for WEEKS, and keeps getting worse. He's not the least bit mechanically minded, and I'm way better with tools than he is. He just about destroyed a bookshelf last month trying to repair it, and got frustrated and almost panicked with the repair job - and I was just calm and levelheaded, grabbed the tools, and finished the job (which totally pissed him off). In fact, that's happened a lot - him getting really frustrated over physical, mechanical, repair type stuff - and me calmly taking over. For an alpha male, that's gotta suck.

He IS smart and aloof, but he's empathetic, and he puts everyone ahead of his own needs. He's selfless (it pisses me off to no end - he works his ass off for everyone else, but neglects himself and his situation just gets worse).

He's sentimental and rather poetic, and I'm finding out that he has a lot of fear that I would never have associated with him.

In other words - I think he's either ISFP or INFP.

And he's scared of the relationship, so he's running and withdrawing, but he won't let me go. Blah. I'm going up to see him Sunday so I can be the strong one and tell him that maybe one day we can make this work, but it won't be right now... and that's okay. I'll still be here for him as his friend, and blah blah blah.

Unfortunately, my life got all fucked up over the last two months too, and I was under tremendous stress - so my way of dealing with him and the relationship was out of my normal behavior, the way his is for him. Basically, we started dating each other as our normal, perfectly functioning selves - and because of outside stress and our personality clashes, we're now the opposites of ourselves, and annoying the everliving piss out of one another. I got emotional and needy and REALLY talkative, sharing ALL of my thoughts with him, even when my thoughts were clearly irrational. He got mean and shitty and dismissive, took everything at face value (basically started acting like me on a normal day).

It's probably not going to work out. I'm okay with that. I haven't quite gotten to the point of walking away, but I can feel it happening. As I sort of emerge from the bad place I was in, my emotions are dying out and I'm feeling much more rational and in control (god it feels so good).

So, anyway - thanks to everyone who helped me out in that original incomprehensibly long post...
 

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He IS smart and aloof, but he's empathetic, and he puts everyone ahead of his own needs. He's selfless (it pisses me off to no end - he works his ass off for everyone else, but neglects himself and his situation just gets worse).

ISFJ?






fuckfuckfuck
 

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Discussion Starter #4
You know what, DJArendee? I think you may be right:

-he drives WITH other drivers - never faster, NEVER PASSING ANYONE. And he drives in the left lane. It makes me INSANE; he doesn't understand why it makes a difference.

-he has I don't know how many bulletin boards in his storage unit, filled with memorabilia from his entire life - game ticket stubs, pictures, etc.

-he apologizes constantly. if he says something funny, it's often followed by an apology. never made sense to me.

-he's FUNNY, but he doesn't think so - because, you know, he's inadequate and not good enough for anyone.

:confused:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Sounds like an INFP to me.
Really, all the descriptions for INFP, ISFP, and ISFJ fit in some way or other, you know? It's hard to nail it down. He's fairly sensory, but that doesn't mean much really - and it's just my interpretation of him anyway.

He's a Feeler, no doubt. Which is why in some ways he's baffling to me. I mistook him for a Ti because he's really intelligent, witty, and seemed to withdraw to *think* - but actually, I think he's withdrawing to brood and fret and feel and, you know, beat the shit out of himself. Basically.

<shrug> By the time I have him completely typed, he'll be a distant memory :sad:

Sucks that things got so bad in our relationship. It really came down to personality clashes under stressful situations. Maybe when he gets his shit together we can give it another go, but I'm not hopeful. He's a bit wreckish, much more so than I ever would have guessed.
 

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with understanding comes acceptance. I was getting very bothered with a supposed "ISTJ" friend because he seemed kinda like a woman. Once I looked up ISFJ it all made complete sense and I like him a lot more. Just an experience of mine in which expectations based off of myers briggs caused issues, and my judgements were wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
with understanding comes acceptance. I was getting very bothered with a supposed "ISTJ" friend because he seemed kinda like a woman. Once I looked up ISFJ it all made complete sense and I like him a lot more. Just an experience of mine in which expectations based off of myers briggs caused issues, and my judgements were wrong.
my judgments have been wrong for a while with this poor guy. Not that he's been a total angel either, but I've definitely missed the mark a lot. And yeah, I can see how myers briggs expectations could cause problems. I'm not worried about typing him - just trying to understand that his reactions aren't going to make sense to me all the time, and that's okay. Like, if he's not logical and won't accept logic it doesn't make him a bad person or mean that he thinks I'm terrible; it's just different.

It's a challenge for me; ordinarily I'd just drop the whole damn thing and move on with my life. Something about this guy and the way we relate (or at least the way we related before all the shit started) makes me want to find out where it COULD go. May be too little, too late. I'm not gonna cry in my beer over it. Whatever happens, happens. Right now, I'm just looking forward to seeing him on Sunday. Maybe all the resentment will wash away and we'll find each other again. And that's irrespective of MBTI type :wink:

Relationships are HARD. I remember, so vividly, why I avoided them for so many years.
 

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chiagirl27, what is your mbti type? how far is the disctance between you two? i dont know if this thread is a continuation from a previous thred...but the long distance (in mileage) doesnt seem to be the problem, rather the distance in personalities is making it hard for you to relate...which seems to be driving you crazy...remember, it's important to realize that because we filter reality through individual values and perceptions, misunderstandings are inevitable; at times it is impossible to comprehend another persons thoughts or emotions, so always express how you feel....and always ask questions.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
You INFP's are so sweet :happy:

90% of the time I test as an ISTP, the other 10% I test as INTP - but I definitely feel like ISTP fits me best; I'm just not totally comfortable claiming it until I have a better handle on the cognitive functions and all that stuff.

We're not that far distance-wise. Four hours up the highway - it's enough to make it a chore, but not so much that it's cost prohibitive.

And I agree with you about the personality distance versus actual distance - though the long distance factor did exacerbate the stress problems (without the advantage of seeing his body language and facial expressions, I couldn't interpret his tone or the meaning behind his words - I'm pretty simple, and I don't extrapolate easily), and I think I got touchier than I needed to be because I was missing so much information. If that makes sense.

One of two things will happen with this. Either we'll decide to slog through the tough times and work with the differences and distance, or we won't.

Actually, the above sentence is a great example of what drives him so insane about me. I'm very black and white, yes or no, on or off. He's all shades of grey. He says "there isn't an answer for everything" and that confounds me. How could there not be an answer for everything?
 

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haha...yes, you're definitely a sensor *black and white*
there really isnt an answer for everything...and if you're not at peace with that, you may very well stick an answer where it doesnt belong..which will in turn determine your fate.
Im in a long distance relationship...we're both NF so understanding each other is easier...but anyways, we send each other videos through our phone...maybe you two should do that, or use a webcam when having conversations, so that you can note each others facial expressions.
Remember when a person is under stress...they act out their shadow functions...which may explain the negative role reversal between you two.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks for talking to me about this!!

there really isnt an answer for everything...and if you're not at peace with that, you may very well stick an answer where it doesnt belong..which will in turn determine your fate.
Those are very wise words. I'm going to write that quote down and stick it next to my computer to remind me.

I'm glad I'm going through this right now, honestly. It's a good life lesson for me. I've been self employed for the better part of ten years, and I've been single for five (separated from my husband in 2005), so my exposure to other people has been pretty limited of late. Even the first few years of self employment, the only people I really dealt with were my (ex)husband (who is a lot like me, personality-wise), and my clients - and clients are on a very limited basis, you don't have to "deal" with them the way you do with a boyfriend or someone who lives with you.

Over the last five years, I've reduced my circle of friends to just a couple who live far away or are hermits themselves... and then a couple of local friends who understand that I very rarely come out and play/socialize. And I've known these people long enough to understand their quirks, or at least how the quirks relate to me. So the new experience with a boyfriend, after almost ten years of being practically socially isolated, has been challenging to say the least.

Remember when a person is under stress...they act out their shadow functions...which may explain the negative role reversal between you two.
I *definitely* agree with this. I've noticed that I become practically unrecognizable when things get really heavy for me. I *HATE* the person I become when I'm stressed out. I'm sure he hates what's happened to him as well. He's normally very decisive and sure of himself; lately he couldn't tell you if the sun hangs in the sky or sits on the ocean. If you asked him whether he'd rather get a blowjob every day for the rest of his life, or live on the streets begging for money... he'd have to think about it. I mean, he's in a STATE.

(those are extreme examples)

Anyway... this has been very helpful. I'd really LIKE to make it work with him; he's a fascinating person and I admire him to pieces. I don't think it's unsalvageable, and he's an almost impossibly forgiving and loving individual, so my gut says that we'll be dancing this weird "getting to know the deeper side of you" dance for quite some time to come. But, then again - you never know what people will do. He's under a great deal of stress, and he could just shut me out completely, preserving his emotions and protecting himself from any future hurt. :unsure:

I'll have a better idea Sunday when I see him. I need to SEE him - his face, his body language, the way he relates to me - to understand where he's at. Until then, I'm just throwing words in the air.

By the way - thanks for the suggestion on video chat. He's so technologically snobbish, it would take a whole lot of convincing for him to set up a webcam... but I'll mention it down the road as something that would help ME, since I rely on my five senses for information.
 

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Really, all the descriptions for INFP, ISFP, and ISFJ fit in some way or other, you know? It's hard to nail it down. He's fairly sensory, but that doesn't mean much really - and it's just my interpretation of him anyway.

He's a Feeler, no doubt. Which is why in some ways he's baffling to me. I mistook him for a Ti because he's really intelligent, witty, and seemed to withdraw to *think* - but actually, I think he's withdrawing to brood and fret and feel and, you know, beat the shit out of himself. Basically.
If he is ISFJ, he would use Ti too. It would be his Tertiary function, which means it could be as strong as auxiliary Fe... *ponder ponder*

I'm going to read up on ISFJ and see if what you said about him fits the bill.
 
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Discussion Starter #14
If he is ISFJ, he would use Ti too. It would be his Tertiary function, which means it could be as strong as auxiliary Fe... *ponder ponder*

I'm going to read up on ISFJ and see if what you said about him fits the bill.
fun fun fun :)

He's a bit of an enigma. No panic button, like us - but he's sentimental and selfless, endlessly giving his time and efforts for others. Won't ask for ANYTHING, even if he's in pain. He will not impose on anyone, period. It's a bit frustrating, because I don't read between the lines and infer peoples' needs. If you need something, you gotta tell me. I'm happy as a clam, assuming everything's fine otherwise.

I adore him - he's impossible and makes no sense to me, and he makes me insane.

Maybe that's where "passion" comes from.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I saw him tonight. He's a shell of the man I knew. He has shut down emotionally. There's just... nothing there.

He tried to be sweet and comforting and whatever, and we talked - he took all the blame, but then got angry when I pointed out how he had contributed to the demise of the relationship, and tried to turn it around on me.

The things I did wrong in the relationship were, apparently:

1. Taking his lead in communication frequency and not instinctively/intuitively changing it at the drop of a hat when he wanted me to (but didn't tell me so)
2. Being complimentary
3. Wanting to see him when he couldn't effectively make plans to see me

Obviously, he was grasping at straws.

Point is, he's gone. Gone. I hardly recognize him. He's let himself go in ways that maybe a casual observer wouldn't notice, but I saw. He's not funny anymore and can barely put a thought together. He's lost and feels worthless.

I don't pretend to read minds, but I do believe - from his expression and body language as I was leaving - that he watched me leave and thought that this was exactly what SHOULD happen - he should lose someone who cares deeply for him, because he's not worth my time and trouble, and he can't give me what he thinks I need. He has convinced himself that he has no love to give, he's empty, and so therefore there is no reason for us to continue.

I didn't argue.

Frankly, I don't want a relationship with THAT GUY. He's not at all the guy I fell for.

What's sad is, even if the guy I fell for comes back... it'll be too late. We've walked away from eachother, and that's it. I know he'll never have the balls to reach back for me, and I'm pretty sure I'll never trust him again. He brought out the worst in me.

ISFP, I think. It doesn't matter. Fuck it. It's over.
 

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Chiagirl,
I am very sorry. Are you doing all right today? Sounds like this guy is going through some major inner turmoil, to the point to where it is even affecting his appearance---my bet is that he will realize what he lost, but like you said, not have the balls to reach back out to you.
Good for you, walking away when YOU needed to. So many people lose themselves when they are in a relationship, and forget to treat themselves as they would want to be treated.
 

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Thank you, Starfish.

I'm not doing great, but I'll get there - I bounce back pretty quickly, this one will probably take me a few days before I'm feeling more myself though.

I'm just... sad. I really liked knowing who I was going to be with. You know? That comfort of knowing that this is the man I'm sleeping with, this is the man I take my problems to, this is the man I watch Rescue Me with. Even long distance and barely seeing each other, I got a lot of pleasure out of that confidence. I mean, people go through breakups every day, and it's always the same... you don't go into a relationship planning for your exit.

I think the hardest part, and the reason why I know it'll take me a bit longer than I want to bounce back, is that neither of us did anything wrong. No one cheated, no one emotionally abused the other. All that happened, really, was we reacted to stressful situations, and our reactions were incomprehensible to one another. By the time I figured out what was going on with him, he was so far gone that there was no way to reach inside and find him again. And he never tried to figure out what was going on; he just retreated further into himself until he lost all the emotions he had for me, for life, for everything.

Watching someone leave like THAT is more heartbreaking than watching them go off with another mate. It feels like a big fucking trick - I got this amazing guy for a short period of time, long enough for me to fall completely in love with him and us - and then that guy was stolen away and replaced with someone who just doesn't give a fuck anymore.

I'd be angry, but I have no idea who to be pissed at.
 

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It almost sounds like he's sliding into clinical depression---the symptoms are all there---in which case trust me he won't give a fuck about himself or you or anyone/anything. It's a dangerous state of mind to be in; keep an eye on him (even from a distance), because suicide becomes a "good idea" after you've been an empty shell for too long, you know?
 

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It almost sounds like he's sliding into clinical depression---the symptoms are all there---in which case trust me he won't give a fuck about himself or you or anyone/anything. It's a dangerous state of mind to be in; keep an eye on him (even from a distance), because suicide becomes a "good idea" after you've been an empty shell for too long, you know?
I thought the same about the depression. He's been sliding backwards for a good month and a half, maybe two months now. Even the last time I saw him, in August, things were different - he was agitated easily, his brain wasn't quite working right, etc. I thought it was about ME, of course, so I tried working on my interaction skills rather than understanding that he was slipping irrespective of me and my abilities to be a better communicator and friend. You know?

He can't lock himself up in his house indefinitely - he is on five different teams and plays five days a week; his teams depend on him showing up. So I feel like he at least has that... for as long as he can stand it anyway. He is still going out of his way for other people - almost by rote, you know? But he hasn't done a thing for himself in a very long while. Simple things that require very little effort with huge payoff necessary for his life to get better (like following up with a phone call on large sums of money he's owed, for instance) - and he hasn't done it. He's become comfortable with the depression, and he's gonna keep himself there.

I can be a really great friend, but I can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Leaving him was HARD. It was a mutual decision, but he was being gallant - relieving me of his morass. If his head was in the right place, no way would we have broken up. Anyway... I would be happy to be his friend through this period, but I've never been any good at helping people who can't/won't help themselves. He'd resent me for butting in, anyway. I just have to accept that this is, in some fucked up way, what he wants. He's wrong - but it's his call. Saving grace: he's childless, so truly the only people he can hurt are the friends and family that has gotten close to him over the years. He doesn't have a lot of those, really. I'm probably the biggest fallout.
 

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so i've decided he's not istp. He has a lot of characteristics that fit, but there are a lot of things about him that make him decidedly not. He's holding on to the relationship, for one - irrationally, he's getting nothing out of it, but he's scared to let it go. He's completely overwhelmed by all the things going on in his life, and emotionally distraught by them - he's got this shitty self image, feels inadequate, like a failure, beating himself up, etc. I mean, everyone can have a bad day - but this has been going on for weeks, and keeps getting worse. He's not the least bit mechanically minded, and i'm way better with tools than he is. He just about destroyed a bookshelf last month trying to repair it, and got frustrated and almost panicked with the repair job - and i was just calm and levelheaded, grabbed the tools, and finished the job (which totally pissed him off). In fact, that's happened a lot - him getting really frustrated over physical, mechanical, repair type stuff - and me calmly taking over. For an alpha male, that's gotta suck.

He is smart and aloof, but he's empathetic, and he puts everyone ahead of his own needs. He's selfless (it pisses me off to no end - he works his ass off for everyone else, but neglects himself and his situation just gets worse).

He's sentimental and rather poetic, and i'm finding out that he has a lot of fear that i would never have associated with him.

In other words - i think he's either isfp or infp.

And he's scared of the relationship, so he's running and withdrawing, but he won't let me go. Blah. I'm going up to see him sunday so i can be the strong one and tell him that maybe one day we can make this work, but it won't be right now... And that's okay. I'll still be here for him as his friend, and blah blah blah.

Unfortunately, my life got all fucked up over the last two months too, and i was under tremendous stress - so my way of dealing with him and the relationship was out of my normal behavior, the way his is for him. Basically, we started dating each other as our normal, perfectly functioning selves - and because of outside stress and our personality clashes, we're now the opposites of ourselves, and annoying the everliving piss out of one another. I got emotional and needy and really talkative, sharing all of my thoughts with him, even when my thoughts were clearly irrational. He got mean and shitty and dismissive, took everything at face value (basically started acting like me on a normal day).

It's probably not going to work out. I'm okay with that. I haven't quite gotten to the point of walking away, but i can feel it happening. As i sort of emerge from the bad place i was in, my emotions are dying out and i'm feeling much more rational and in control (god it feels so good).

So, anyway - thanks to everyone who helped me out in that original incomprehensibly long post...
infp


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